a header / sidebar theme that i used for a while on this blog!! there are 3 main ways you can customize the theme layout - 1) a header + sidebar appearing upon scroll, 2) a sidebar only, and 3) a header only. the theme also has optional pop-up navigation boxes, 4-6 custom links, and show captions/tags options.
- options to display the header + sidebar / just the header / just the sidebar
- optional: show captions, show tags, like/reblog buttons + post type icons, header description box
- custom colours, selection, tooltips and scrollbar
notes: i would keep the title relatively short. the header image is 1920x1080px in size, the about icon with the pop-up navigation is 60x60px in size, and the sidebar icon is 100x100px in size. the about and sidebar icons will resize your uploaded images accordingly but they must be square in shape. the header must be the correct size otherwise it will not display correctly.
if using the pop-up navigation - you will need to enter the html to customise the about and updates boxes, i left instructions in the code so it should be easy to do so. please make sure to have asks enabled and enter your tumblr username (i.e. the49thname) into the “tumblr username” type field on the customize menu so that the ask box will work.
credits: header + sidebar icons were made by me, star background for preview 2 was made by @100daysofpattern, please do not save for your own use. this theme uses font awesome icons.
if you have any problems let me know, read the rules, and please like/reblog if using, thank you!!
Who is your favorite model? Also have you heard of Choi Byul I? Love your blog, keep up the good work!
I can’t pick one so I will name three. They are Yoon Chae Won, Han Ji Yeon, and Minah. And yes I heard of Choi Byul I and I post her studio photos when I get access to them, which are posted under the name “Choi Byeol Yee”. Thanks.:)
Summary: – Why can’t I forget him? Why can’t I forget our memories? – was all he could think about.
The sky that evening remembered the two of them, the older boy was the blue night background: so dark to abduct your eyes if you stopped to look at it, while the younger one looked like the stars: always bright and energetic whose only purpose was to embellish the simple night sky, ending however to attract the gaze of any person that lived in the suburbs. The city was the least recommended place for someone who wanted to look at the myriads of stars, especially if that person loved the silence disturbed only by the droning buzz of cicadas.
Especially if that someone hated the annoying confusion produced by the cars, that was a very common sound in the big cities like Seoul. Luckily Taehyung lived in one of those suburbs, where the roads were narrow and the streets lamps were always turned off. Taehyung’s house was flanked by a small bakery that always had a delicious perfume, it always attempted the boy to enter the shop and buy something, but every time he ended walking through his front door empty-handed. He left his bag somewhere next to the door, already on the way to the fridge so he could take a bottle of soju. Later, he went in his green garden to sit on the bench, carefully positioned to the left side, and to look at the countless stars shine only for him. Simply observing that starry sky, he remembered that cold evening of October: the clouds covered the stars, as if the they wanted to protect them from the cold that reigned that night.
They had just finished celebrating Jimin’s birthday, they drank like crazy, until Jimin threw up somewhere on the road. Taehyung’s cheeks were so pink – it is alcohol fault he told to himself – when he gazed at the person next to him, a fascinating distraction that made him stumble in a presumed hole. Actually the road was smooth as the oil, and his unsteadiness was the result of a few bottle of soju and no one to stop him. What he absolutely hadn’t anticipated was that: instead of falling on the hard road, he fell in the long pleasant arms of the boy close to him. Taehyung always had a kind of attraction for the friend, in the beginning he was only fascinated by him, but then he chose to ignore that new feeling – that was growing like a parasite in his heart – pretending that it didn’t exist.
When however the fate cruelly decided to left them alone, Taehyung couldn’t lie to himself. His glances were clearly lost in the boy’s frail body, that Taehyung was afraid to touch scared of break it. His lips suddenly lost their moisture, bringing an infernal desert of dryness and desire. That evening, as any other time when he was in contact with the culprit of that feelings, Taehyung blushed, feeling all the heat of his body flow into his cheek . Maybe it was the alcohol that helped him to create some hopeful hallucinations, but Taehyung swore he saw the boy’s black pupils notice his cheeks, now on fire, and Taehyung swore he saw a light crimson color on the boy’s cheeks.
“Christ, look how you walk, idiot ” He sounded like one of the scorbutic old men, that Taehyung sometimes found while he was walking among the little streets of the city, he was always reprimanded even if he was only walking. Some forced him to do light duties receiving some sweet, or in summer a beautiful icicle that always brought peace to his throat, in exchange.
Taehyung was very loquacious when he was sober, becoming also chatty and annoying sometimes, but when he was drunk he totally changed: from the lovely and noisy boy, he became calm and slightly hostile. He didn’t answer to the things that he had been told from the oldest, he simply observed the sky noticing the immense grey clouds, he hated that vision and so he kept on looking craving for something more interesting. Soon he saw what he was looking for: a star, it had the strength to shine despite the numerous impediments. Taehyung tried to share it with the oldest boy, but for some motive he couldn’t saw it. How could he not see that clear light that had abducted the eyes of Taehyung making him miraculously forget about the presence of the oldest boy, that now was in front of him looking for that “beauty?”. –Well,he doesn’t even see my feelings for him, they are so evident and clear just like that star – he thought to himself.
Taehyung naturally leaned his head, as if it owned that place, on the left shoulder of the oldest boy. Taehyung took his arm and he led it at the source of light that never stopped to shine for a single second. Taehyung looked away until he saw the boy’s neck, and – God, I’d love to mark his pale skin with reddish hickey – he thought another time to himself, he barely contained himself from doing it.
“ Oh, I see it ” he surely didn’t said it with a sweet voice, but he sounded like an angel for Taehyung, his eyes clearly saw those lips soaked with alcohol and from which that prickly odor came. They had a peachy color – I’d love so much to bite them, just a little, only to see if they are so soft as they seem –. That lips were created to tempt his pure mind, they were slightly open for the amazement but sensual; his teeth were perfectly aligned and Taehyung wanted them to left small signs on his neck. Taehyung thanked himself for drinking too much because, with the alcohol in his brain, he found the courage to speak and to ask to the boy a thing, that without a push he knew, he would have never asked.
“ Hyung your lips.. ” the other one instinctively brought the index and the middle finger on the mouth, in case there was something strange on them, then he puffed emanating a breath of air from that mouth that Taehyung wanted so much.
“ What? ”
“ Can I… kiss you? ” In that instant that whole lust that Taehyung had, made room to the fear, that he felt strong and clear in his pulse, it was getting faster and faster, if his heart kept beating with that speed it would have gone out out of his breast, in which was stored. Taehyung, wasn’t sure if the boy in front of him had seriously nodded, maybe he was too drunk to realize what he did, or maybe Taehyung was only dreaming; especially when the opaque yellow lights around them and the silence of the middle of the night, were imitating a typical landscape of the dreams.
He moved, until he was in front of the older boy, slowly approaching his lips – seriously there is something to stop my hea – He felt the boy’s lips land on his own, as if they belonged to that place since the beginning. He finally felt that softness and Taehyung would have stayed like that for hours, with his mouth leaned chastely on the other, too shy to move. However the other boy didn’t let everything to end there, and despite to Taehyung that peck on the lips was enough, the oldest boy gently bit Taehyung’s inferior lip. Because of the pain, he slightly opened his mouth, the other boy seized the opportunity to slide his tongue and to lick the little cuts that his teeth had previously left.
The flavor of the alcohol, was strong in their mouth, also mixed with the aroma almost disappeared of the beefsteak that they had eaten that evening. The breath of the older boy was caressing the nose of Taehyung, while his tongue found the other and they danced together, stopped only by the oxygen who sometimes dared to interfere in their party ruining it. Taehyung moved slightly forward, maybe to deepen even more that kiss – if it was possible –, and considering that casually the boy that Taehyung was kissing made the same thing, their teeth bumped each other’s creating pain to the both of them.
The youngest noticed that he was slightly bleeding, the other boy set him a handkerchief, noticing the blood on Taehyung’s fingers, so he could clean himself. That was the memory that Taehyung had of their first kiss, both of them wasted in a ordinary road and whenever he went there, he ended up on his knees right where that once so happy memory had happened, but now it caused only an agonizing pain in Taehyung’s chest.
Sometimes Taehyung liked to lay down on the grass of his garden, especially after the rain, when it was still wet from the dew and its sour perfume was propagated in Taehyung’s nostrils, spreading a beautiful feeling of calmness and harmony. The stars reminded him of the twinkly lights that,the last year, he hung with devotion on the Christmas tree with his ex boyfriend.
Taehyung allowed his mind to make him relive that moment, he still remembered the perfume of the cinnamon-scented candle, bought by the oldest boy despite Taehyung had almost forced him to do it, and the sweet appetizing scent of the Christmas biscuits leaned on the table. Taehyung still remembered the prickle under his fingers when coincidentally, while he was still looking for the correct combination of accessories for that bare tree, he met the hand of his ex boyfriend, that was doing the same thing.
He still felt the cold breeze of the winter that lingered in their apartment although the windows were closed. Now it was even colder, because of the lack of the other boy. Taehyung felt lost when he looked for that person that had embraced, up until a year ago, and that now wasn’t together with him. The words of the older boy were clearly engraved in his head ’ I don’t feel anything for you.’ He still remembered the tone too much sincere to be true and naïvely Taehyung had believed, hoped in their bond; praying that one day that boy would have crossed again the threshold of their apartment, heading back to him. How couldn’t that person that had violated, bitten, licked, tasted so so many times his lips, until they became a beautiful red watermelon, feel something ?
’ I have realized that I can also live without you ’ was his answer. Instead Taehyung had established that he didn’t succeed to do the same thing, he was too used to lie on their bed, under the cold white blanket, with his arms and legs wrapped around the boy, like a small koala. In that position he managed to defeat the cold, enjoying the heat of his ex boyfriend that tried, in every way, to kick him out pushing him with the legs, so he could be able to sleep peacefully.
When however he really kicked Taehyung by accident, the oldest boy would fill his forehead with chaste kisses, like a mother that give the kiss of the good night to her own children before falling asleep. Taehyung still felt the softness of those dry lips on his forehead. In that moment he liked to inhale the perfume of the lavender-scented shampoo, that the oldest boy used when he washed his hair. It was a light perfume, neither too sweet nor too bothersome, Taehyung had to approach the boy’s hair to fully feel it in his nostrils. That aroma that probably now his ex boyfriend, was sharing with a new boyfriend, but that Taehyung had decided to continue using it in order to keep the memories he had of the boy.
He felt that perfume on the pillow, still close to his, and when he closed hid eyes he managed to see the boy, curled up in his part of bed that fell asleep only when the sun started to appear, while Taehyung’s fingers brushed his hair.
That hair that Taehyung loved to brush, feeling the smooth and at times curly locks, that were ruined by the numerous dye that the oldest boy was usual to make, slip between his long fingers. The last time that his hands had been through that hair, they were of a beautiful pale yellow. It reminded Taehyung of that delicious stuffing with whom he had carefully filled the cream puff, that he gave to him on Saint Valentine, receiving a song written for him in exchange. He adored the melodies produced by the boy, they were full of true words that often insulted himself, but that they expressed his complete creativeness and his love for the music. Taehyung was surprised when, among his hands, he saw a sheets of paper with the small and ordinate calligraphy, but his tears fell only when he read the verses dedicated to him.
Taehyung could read the love in those lines that were often been erased, leaving therefore the grey sign of the pencil, then they would have been rewritten with greater effort. He leaned the sheets on the wood desk for fear of wet them, next to that table there was his pianola where the oldest boy passed the whole nights looking for the right melody. Taehyung impulsively embraced him with strength in fear of let him go, even if at the end he had been forced to do it. For Taehyung it wasn’t the end, he still could hear those notes perfectly performed, now they were cuddling his memoirs with harmony. It was easy for him to fall asleep with those slow melodies, or to fall asleep while he watched the pencil swing among the lines looking for the right words to write.
Instead now he was sitting on the edge of their bed, on that uncomfortable mattress that seemed so soft when the hands of his ex boy wandered on his body. That hands that often left small scratches on Taehyung’s thighs and, when unintentionally the fingernails pressed too much in the muscle, small scars of their love remained there. Sometimes Taehyung’s fingers casually ended on that memories, recalling those electrifying touches on his body, while their moans melted into each other’s creating a muddle of perverse noises. He remembered the boy’s body moving clumsily, back and forth, inside of him repeatedly, while Taehyung’s face tiredly leaned on his left shoulder. He inspired succeeding in feeling the boy’s sweat enter his nostrils and to fill his mind, now empty. Taehyung’s lips insisted in kissing the boy’s pale, as the rest of his body, clavicle and leaving there dark and bloody signs that would have finally given some color to that waxen skin.
Taehyung observed that spot where, there was the boy’s keyboard while now there was the dirty white wall, and he remembered those times when the oldest made room for him on the leather stool to make him sit. He taught him, slightly taking the smaller hands of Taehyung and putting them under his, how to play the piano.
He remembered the lovely, sincere, laughters of his ex boyfriend when, after Taehyung tried every morning while the other one deeply slept, he had shown him that he finally knew how to perform, without any mistake, Jingle bells. Those laughters that were imprisoned in the mouth of the other, it seemed like if Taehyung had to get them out from his throat with a rope, so he could finally hear them in the whole room. He loved him so much, that his lips instinctively moved toward those of the oldest boy, winding him in a simple kiss, in which everything he needed was to feel the boy’s genuine smile arise on his face.
Taehyung always felt a strange burning that spread for his whole abdomen, making him feel strange and stupid, but well. That burning, was now replaced by the alcohol contained in the bottle of soju, that slowly flowed in his throat burning his esophagus and stomach. He looked at the closet that flanked the bed, now bare, while before it was usually filled him with their clothes. On one side there were the eccentric shirts that belonged to Taehyung, the other side there were the older boy’s shirts with dark colors that remembered the bottom of the sea. He decided to open the wood tiles, still captured by his painful memories, crouching down on the base of the closet. He felt the softness of the clothes caressing his face, but he didn’t pay a lot of attention to that feeling, considering that he felt a soft presence under him.
He touched the fabric with the hands, and he immediately recognized the delicate wool that now was slipping among his fingers. He took that object and he brought it in front of his eyes and he immediately recognized it. It was the scarf that the boy gave to him on their second anniversary, together with a mixture of joy, amazement, and shock now replaced by the simple sadness and nostalgia. His amazement, was caused by that simple gesture that seemed too much strange, since he didn’t like to do this kind of things. Probably it was an idea of Hoseok and Jimin that helped him or forced him to do it, knowing his friends.
This didn’t mean that Taehyung hadn’t appreciated the gesture, it was exactly the opposite, he wore that scarf every day since when he received it. The boy couldn’t stand it, he always said that he would have trow up if Taehyung worn that scarf one more day. Taehyung left that scarf in the closet only when they , rather he , decided that break up would have been the best thing for both of them – the best thing only for him actually – he thought. The scarf had the same color of adonis, a red and poisonous flower, whose simple contact would have caused the death but that, in the symbolic language of the flowers – that Taehyung knew thanks to the course of botany – it was associated to a painful memory.
Tears were falling down from his eyes, a stupid spontaneous reaction towards a stupid scarf, wetting the soft wool among his hands. It’s been a long time since his pain made him cry, simply because he was tired to cry, on practically any memory, that was stored in the apartment where they used to live together. Taehyung was cuddling up inside a closet, while he remember of that time when, he and his ex boyfriend thrown a housewarming party. They, actually only Taehyung, hung up several decorations along the bare walls of that room, and they decorated the tables with different shots of alcohol, after all it was only a simple party for seven people.
That simple party however degenerated, and because of their drunkenness, they decided to play to hide and seek; Taehyung was a master of hide and seek, but he simply opted for the stupid closet. That stupid closet that was already hosting his boyfriend, but it was so big to host two people. Those two people were Taehyung and the oldest boy that was literally above him, his face stuck on the smaller one. He remained like that for a short time, simply staring at Taehyung, his gaze too drunk to be able to know where were the lips to kiss. Yet, somehow, he finally found them bringing on his lips, and kissing them wildly as if he hadn’t kissed Taehyung in years, when actually they were days, or better hours.
Most of their kisses happened under those conditions, Taehyung was surprised that they only kissed maybe three times sober. In that moments however he didn’t pay attention to that, since he was too busy to lick and suck that spot between the boy’s neck and his shoulder. It was already embellished by the precedents signs of his love, but every time he kissed that spot, it caused to the boy a shiver of cold on his skin. His memories would have continued to flow, together with his tears, except that he heard someone knocking on the door, he missed that sound, he missed going out, he missed doing a lot of things but he missed most that person that he didn’t saw for a long time.
Taehyung checked the screen of his smartphone, the light blinded his eyes that were used to the dark – 5 am –, he had spent another whole night to think about them, to think about him. He opened the door regardless of the cold tears, that were still on his pale cheeks, he was too much tired to wipe them with his fingers. After he opened the door Taehyung clearly saw that familiar person – probably very drunk – in front of him. Perhaps familiar, wasn’t the proper adjective, since that Taehyung hadn’t seen him for one year. However his body was still the same in Taehyung’s memory; except for a small detail: his hair. That hair that were a shining yellow cream up to last year; they were excessively bright considered the boy’s personality and, along with the pale skin, they gave him a look similar to that of a ghost.
Those smooth locks that now were mint dyed, with the blond near to the root. A color that made him look even more improbably beautiful, and that reminded him the colors of that crystalline sea; where they – after Taehyung insisted for one month in a row – spent a day together just the two of them and no one else. He wore his usual black leather jacket, that covered the too much white shirt with the v-necks, probably it wasn’t even his since it was a size up, the cloth was rubbed and hidden in his jeans.
“Yoongi”. It was a really long time since his voice said that name, accompanied by a dejected whimpering that he didn’t tried to hide. He felt the desperation invading his hands, they rushed toward Yoongi’s scalp, to caress it and feel those soft locks slip among his long fingers. Taehyung only wanted to try to himself that, he didn’t went crazy and that unluckily that was the fucked and painful reality . Okay maybe he went crazy when his gaze lingered on those sinful lips, that surely kissed a lot of other people in that year, but that tempted Taehyung to get close and make them only his. A stupid thought that hadn’t been stopped, since his reasonable part of mind was gone with the alcohol.
With which strength would have he said no? He felt again, after a long time,Yoongi’s body stuck to his. His calm breath cuddled the sensitive skin Taehyung’s neck, and he immediately felt that strong lust flow in his veins with his ,now irregular, pulsation. His heart started beating again in his body making alive his muscles and his feelings, that had been abandoned and oppressed by a cloud of dust, simply removed by Yoongi’s warm sigh. Taehyung felt that softness of Yoongi’s insecure lips, chastely touching his skin devoid of bloody signs, that gradually were reappearing. Taehyung loved to caress the hickeys when Yoongi wasn’t with him. Taehyung had lost every possible resistance giving space to the masochism, for that night, so with two fingers he grabbed Yoongi’s chin and he brutally moved it untill he could see his black pupils stare at him. That black eyes, in which he was lost so so many times, that black that trapped his soul wetting it with that same color. Those black eyes made him lose his mind, convincing him to kiss Yoongi. He bit with strength his lips, hearing the lament grow in his throat, Taehyung slowly licked with his tongue the pain that he created, tasting every second of that moment.
Their tongues met each other’s, they fell in love, an insane love, strange, probably an illusory one. However they were in harmony between them, while they explored each other’s mouth, touching the same old spot. Taehyung’s hands were still among Yoongi’s hair, he pushed him toward himself impossibly deepening that kiss. Taehyung felt a violent grip on his wrist, bringing his hand directly on Yoongi’s boner, calmly rubbing on his jeans, and in a short while his erection grew. With impetus Yoongi, separated himself from that kiss, unbuttoning his pants. He decided to caress, strangely with gentleness, Taehyung’s face.
Taehyung knew what he shouldn’t have done, he knew very well the thing Yoongi desired, he knew what was going to happen, but in that moment he didn’t care. He knelt, feeling the cold of the floor hit his legs; he approached Yoongi’s pale thighs, that were in front of him, kissing his hips, with delicacy. Taehyung was driving him crazy since, that pleasantness was accompanied by an unbelievable slowness. His slowness made Yoongi very irritated and Taehyung knew it very well.
He loved tease him with chaste kisses before letting the boxers, that didn’t hide his boner, slip. His member was calling his lips that begun to slowly lick the tip. Taehyung always had the fear to injure his skin that, to him, it was as a piece of glass among his hands. Soon the calm disappeared; Yoongi’s hands grabbed Taehyung’s light brown hair, increasing the rapidity and risking to make Taehyung choke, not used to that type of contact in his mouth anymore. Yoongi felt very well that he coughed on his member, still in his mouth, and despite he wanted to ignore it and to keep on thrusting, he stepped backwards sighing an annoyed “ fuck .”
He left Taehyung the command, because if he kept thrusting him like that, Yoongi would have really choked him. He missed too much Taehyung’s, little but deep mouth, that was also able to swallow everything of him. He didn’t tried to replace that mouth, because how he could replace that – miserable – tongue, that now was enjoying the bottom of his member? Taehyung took it again between his lips a few moments later, also taking back the calm rhythm. Yoongi usually didn’t look at who was sucking him, too busy with his perverse moans that naturally came out from his mouth, but how couldn’t he look at the gorgeous Taehyung? His hair messed up by his hands, his eyes focused on Yoongi’s member, his cheek flushed, his lips destroyed but a beautiful crimson red .
Yoongi came, – stupidly –, while he looked at Taehyung, warning only a second before he came, when his liquid was already decorating his mouth. He saw it slowly run down along the esophagus while the boy carefully swallowed. Yoongi knelt, and when he was in front of him, he kissed his jaw cleaning up the cum, moving then on his mouth to do the same thing, feeling its taste – mixed with alcohol – that was so strange.
“ I have to go now ” he simply said, leaving Taehyung on his knees while he observed the door slowly close. His hand stopped on his stomach, where he would stabbed himself if he had had the strength to do it, because he felt them again. He felt a tingling on all of his abdomen, he felt the wings of those stupid butterflies, punch and hit his poor stomach. Taehyung touched the clouds, a few seconds ago, with their white and immaculate color imprinted in his head, and a paradisiacal feelings that danced in his veins.
He was slowly falling now, he wasn’t landed yet, but pain was quickly reaching him; he felt the reality cruelly approaching him, and Taehyung knew what would have arrived immediately after. If the hell was dreadful, his emotions were even more awful. Imagine the pain that you would feel on your skin touching a burn; imagine the agonizing screams of a children that look for his own mother; imagine the smell of death that flutters on a dead body in front of you; imagine to see the blood trickle from the head of an innocent person in front of you. If these feelings were mixed together, the result would be the pain that Taehyung would have tried after he fell on the cruel reality.
His heart was tired to hit Taehyung’s chest reaching a stable pulsation; he checked the screen of his phone – 6 am –. He was sure that he wouldn’t have gotten any sleep that day because, as soon as his eyelids tried to rest tired, like the rest of him, his memories invaded his mind and body.
He stayed at home all day long without sleeping, he preferred spend his time between: stare at the ceiling above of him, or read a book that he had read before, or observe the day slowly become night. Even a fucking day remind him of his relationship, maybe he was really going crazy. However Taehyung noticed that the day mirrored his personality when he was happy: shining almost blinding, radiant, pure as the colors of the sunrise, naive as the sun when it rise, unaware that soon his light was going to be hidden by the enormous gray clouds – that Taehyung loved to compare to his sadness –. Instead Yoongi was the night, dark, a shades from which you don’t know what to expect, scary, gloomy. Sometimes, however, he was nice like when the moon shines in the blue sky giving you tranquility, calming your tension, fascinating whoever deigned to look at the moon for a long time. Days passed, maybe months, in that condition of total agony, his only bond with Yoongi was his phone in his hands. He was seeing every title of Yoongi’s song, that he composed since Taehyung met him three years ago.
Back then, Yoongi was only a boy that came from the same city of Taehyung, but he was the first person he saw in that big class. He was afraid that his accent could seem strange compared with the accent of the big city but that boy, spoke in his same way making a thin bond between the two. It seemed like they had to be friends because, that same boy with a pale skin and black hair – thing that attracted Taehyung quite a lot – sat down next to his desk. To Taehyung, Yoongi seemed a simply timid boy that loved to sleep during the lessons, reason why the class tended to isolate him. However Taehyung didn’t want to isolate him – since he was quite attracted by the boy –, so he asked him his name, later discovering that he came from his same town, that was the only talk they had for the whole week.
Since that their desks were close to each other’s, Taehyung noticed that the boy was better than him to compose music, receiving every sort of compliments from the teacher. While he, despite the immense effort, didn’t succeed even in writing two lyrics that sounded well in his mind. From what his new school friends told him, Yoongi had a scorbutic personality, Taehyung thought back to the first time that he talked to him – and okay maybe his friends were right – but he would tried anyway. If there was a thing for which Taehyung was known it was the stubbornness.
“Yoongi-shi, could you teach me to compose music like you do ?” Taehyung asked trying to look as cute as possible, hoping that the ice that protected his heart would melt. He answered with a threatening gaze, while Taehyung was scared to death.
Yoongi calmly went out of that classroom, like nothing ever happened, like if he didn’t saw Taehyung’s hands slightly tremble because of the gaze he gave him before, like if he didn’t – sadistically – smiled at that scene. Taehyung wouldn’t be home that afternoon because, if he hadn’t finished his homework by the deadline he would have been flunked out, and he didn’t want to redo a whole school year again. Taehyung went in the school library, in which the only noise was his breath, or his agonizing laments that escaped from his lips when he was this close to write something, but then he realized that it wasn’t what he looked for. He took his Kumamon, that was in his small backpack, then he made it sit in front of his notebook, full of doodles and maybe also some tears of desperation. He began to speak with him as if Kumamon could hear him.
“ ah Kumamon, what I have to do to compose good music? without the help of Yoongi-shi I believe that I will be flunk out ”
“ Idiot you have to throw your heart at it.” Taehyung recognized the voice but he couldn’t avoid to jump out from his chair, scared. Yoongi smiled after that scene, he couldn’t believe that he liked the little boy so much to the point of smiling at him a second time in that day.
“ Ah, Yoongi-shi you scared me” Taehyung laughed, to blow off some steam accumulated in his throat. He certainly saw Yoongi’s gaze moving from his lips to look somewhere else, more specifically toward the bookshelves. Quickly his cheeks flushed, as if a painter decided to brush a white canvas with a crimson red – ah damn it, his smile is too bright for my eyes, it will end up melting me – Yoongi thought.
Taehyung’s gaze was pretty much glued on Yoongi’s dark pupils, following every single movement of them with no particular reason. He was only extremely attracted by them, then he saw his eyes laying on his Kumamon, that was sitting in front of his rubbed sheet.
“Is that Kumamon? Oh, it is exactly what I need for my collection, the one that I never found” he said with his eyes that now were sparkling, he seemed like he really loved Kumamon. – If his eyes shine so much when they are happy, they will very probably end up blinding me – Taehyung thought.
“ If you want it, I can give it to you, but Yoongi-shi you have to help me with this ” he said pointing at the sheets. Obviously, he cared about his Kumamon, but he also wanted to see again Yoongi the next year, and who knows, they could have been friends one day.
“ Call me hyung moron, and okay I will do it, give me that sheet ” he clearly said bored by the extra work that he had to do. Yoongi took the sheet, brushing again Taehyung’s fingers; his hands now were bothered by a strange prickle, Yoongi ignored it and began to write. Taehyung observed the boy’s pencil moving from the sheet to his mouth, then he did the same thing an infinity number of time, an habit of him that would remain also in the future.
This time, Taehyung noticed, his gaze was clearly focused on the sheet while he was thinking at the words to carefully rewrite on the white paper. After a few minutes it was already decorated by one, then two, then one hundred, words that melodiously sounded in Taehyung’s mind. Suddenly he saw the pencil stop, as if it had lost its favorite rhythm. It was like if something stopped Yoongi’s mind so Taehyung decided to approach him, just to get a glimpse. He was surprised when in his head appeared some words, as if they had been printed by his mind for that sheet, they weren’t too terrible like the other ideas, so he thought to share them with Yoongi.
“ We are too young to give up, never mind. If you think you’re gonna crash, step on the pedal harder.” Taehyung wrote the lyrics with his enormous calligraphy that would have eaten Yoongi’s little calligraphy if it was possible.
“ Umh, I think it can work” he simply said nodding.
After one hour they already completed the sheet, Taehyung would surely spent the whole day to write something that would have sucked compared to Yoongi’s cruel but genial words. The day after Taehyung was supposed to deliver his sheet to the teacher, it was a simple thing in his mind. However, when he saw the genuine smile on the woman’s face in front of him, when he heard all those words that were complimenting him for a thing that wasn’t his, he couldn’t resist, his heart felt guilty. Taehyung didn’t loved to lie and he wouldn’t have done it.
“Actually, I didn’t write it but Yoongi did it.” he said spitting it out while he saw the shocked look from his teacher and from the boy next to him – how dumb is he? –. Yoongi thought to himself .
“ I appreciate your honesty Taehyung, but in this case I have to flunk you ”
Taehyung sadly looked at his sheet and started to cry. It could seem a stupid thing to other’s eyes, crying for a stupid sheet; however he couldn’t stop the burning in his eyes, he couldn’t stop his stupid heart to beat stronger each time, he couldn’t hide the agonizing hiccups that his mouth emitted with repetitiveness. Yoongi felt in his heart – after he discovered that he had one – a lukewarm grip, that felt like an heater that was suppose to warm up an icy room. He didn’t know what it was but it made him feel like a shit.
“We have wrote it together, Taehyung helped me” Yoongi simply sighed, he always did that, but Taehyung admired the way Yoongi’s lips spread out.
“ It that true Taehyung? ” the teacher asked turning her gaze toward the boy, that just nodded. The teacher knew that the boy would never have lied to her. She decided to promote their composition, but before putting it together with the other’s sheets, she turned to them one last time.
“ Ah, guys the title is missing, decide it together”
“ What do you say of it of umh, ” 신경 쓰지마 “ it is the key word, after all.” Yoongi proposed.
“Mh, hyung maybe in English sounds better don’t you think? I’m searching it online wait a minute. He says it’s ‘Never mind’ ”
“I like that” he simply said, but Taehyung heard the happiness hidden in his voice.
That sheet that one year later became an authentic song: with a real arrangement that simply consisted in the sound of the keyboard that was perfectly played by Yoongi’s fingers, with Yoongi’s voice that sang it, with a breathtaking harmony, and a result that was unique. Yoongi could say the he wasn’t sure of it, he could say it wasn’t a masterpiece, but all of their friends ended up loving it.
Taehyung composed only one sentence of the whole song, however he felt that that song was only their and no one else, also that song had some precious memories, so Taehyung would never have deleted it from his heart.
He was listening “Never mind”, that sunny morning of September, while he was laying on a field of flowers, hidden from the busy streets of the city. They were mainly narrow roads, in which were only darkness and desolation, but Taehyung gotten used to it. The roads were tiresome but it was worthwhile, because once he got out of the city, Taehyung begun to smell the perfume of those specific flowers.
That perfume willingly entered the nostrils of the boy, making him desire to stay in that magic place forever. Everything was violet in front of him, except the sky that was colored with the pastel colors of the sunset : pale blu, orange, pink , lilac, every color blended with each other’s, giving to Taehyung a little bit of calm. He regretted studying the book of botany, because now he knew very well those flowers in which he was lying on, ‘Ageratum’ was their name. Flowers that were as beautiful as meaningful, what they symbolized was the true love. That true love that Taehyung never had, but that heard in his earphones, while their song repeated without stopping. He felt his love for that song while he was humming, with all of his voice, that lyrics that were so meaningful to him.
Thanks to that song Taehyung had been able to build a relationship with Yoongi, to build their future. Taehyung discovered that Yoongi simply wasn’t born to compose but his pain, his dedication and his desire to be himself and no one else, poured into his texts like a river that flows into a lake.
“ We are too young to give up, never mind – ” Taehyung was focused on keep on singing the song, comed – for the thousandth time in that day – to its end, but someone stopped him.
“ If you think you’re gonna crash, step on the pedal harder ” Taehyung recognized the husky voice of Yoongi, but how could a voice change so much? Taehyung was sure that Yoongi’s voice in his head and ears seemed confident, sincere, harmonious. If you listened to the voice in that song, you could easily imagine the care that he put while writing the lyrics, you could imagine the boy in front of a microphone in a simple room that sang not convinced, but he keep on singing, every single word through to the end.
Yet now that voice, that Taehyung heard despite the high volume in his earphones, seemed a totally different melody: devoid of that warmth and passion. It seemed the voice of a person with the intention of emulate an art that, if it was compared with the voice in ‘never mind’, it seemed like a repugnant fake. Maybe that song was only a lie, and however painful it was, Taehyung couldn’t stop that thought in time so he decided to be quiet, since his voice was stuck in his mind.
Yoongi, decided to lie down next to Taehyung, his hands tucked under his head, while the rest of his body was relaxed on the flowers, that were moved by the soft fresh breeze of September. They were caressing the face of the two boys, with their soft petals. Spontaneously Yoongi turned to face Taehyung noticing that there was some pollen on his cheeks, with two fingers he slowly brushed it away. Yoongi listened to the genuine laughter that followed his gesture, since Taehyung was ticklish anywhere. That laughter was so beautiful compared to the silence of the nature and in his heart something was changing, maybe it was because his heart was fluttering that Yoongi felt a little strange.
He would have stopped that unknown feeling that was spreading in his body like a virus, if he could do it. Neither the best medicine would have helped him now. Yoongi kept staring at Taehyung, that was still looking at the sky, while humming their song like ten times. He didn’t want to stop him, but while he was observing him, a small butterfly was landed, leaning on the space between their bodies. Its wings were marvelous, like a masterpiece created by the nature: they were navy on the front , cerulean in middle, with a blu sky at the end of them.
Taehyung casually turned his head in that precise instant observing, with the same expression of a child that has just received the toy that he desired so much, that magnificent creature stay between them. Carefully he approached his index to the butterfly, and magically it rested on his finger rather than fly free in the sky.
That moment in which, he felt the tame movement of those wings flutter on his fingers, lasted only a while; but Taehyung would have stored it in his memory. In front of him now there wasn’t an harmless animal, but a wild beast with a misleading nature, that brought him in its cobweb each time. Yet Yoongi’s black eyes remained expert provocateur, so Taehyung avoided to stare at them for a long time, with the fear to turn into a stone if he did it. Instead Yoongi was tired, tired of the distance between them, he wanted just a taste of those beautiful, soft, lips.
He sincerely needed them, he wanted to feel once again the unbelievable softness of Taehyung’s mouth, to then slightly bite it with fear to let them go. He wanted to taste them, and for once they wouldn’t have tasted like alcohol. Yoongi knew, however, that Taehyung wouldn’t have allowed it, and he didn’t blame him, he knew that he had behaved like such a fool, and then he left him alone. He wanted to change his personality, even if in his lyrics he often highlighted the fact that he was simply himself, so his fans often considered him a honest boy. – Would it be worth it to change for Taehyung ? I knew that he has deep feelings for me, but do I feel something for Taehyung? What is the love for Min Yoongi? – He often asked to himself.
He gently pulled out his vintage notebook , that he kept since their first meeting, where he also wrote the lyrics of the song that now filled his ears, with Taehyung’s intense deep voice. He looked at the leaves that were fluttering in the sky carried by the wind before slowly falling on the sidewalk decorated with red, orange and yellow. Yoongi noticed that if he moved his hand a little it would have met Taehyung’s hand. He once tried to hold hands but Yoongi avoided it, afraid of his feelings. However now he was curious, he wanted to try the touch of those long fingers on his palms; desirous of new emotions that would have helped him to write the words that were supposed to fill the empty pages of that notebook.
He avoided to care about the cold expressions on Taehyung’s face, luckily the wood that surrounded him distracted him, even if he couldn’t avoid to feel guilty seeing a boy, that always smiled, get sad because of his presence in that place. He would be gone if Taehyung had asked him to do it, he would be gone if thr boy had ever bothered to speak, instead they stayed like that. Taehyung with his song and Yoongi that looked at their relationship – if they ever had one – to fade as the leaves in that precise season.
A leaf, particularly different from the others, attracted Yoongi’s attention. Its color was still green, like a lawn, when it was supposed to be orange or red. Besides it was fighting against the wind to not fall, attached on a branch, but its breakup was slowly coming. Yoongi clearly saw the end of it and he naturally thought about how much that situation resembled to theirs. The fall of that so green leaf was obvious, as the end of their relationship, but Yoongi unconsciously found himself to hope for that leaf that was still attached on its branch. He wanted to show himself, that he was wrong,he hoped that he was wrong on their relationship, that was symbolized by the small leaf.
That relationship, that remained the same during the years, even if Taehyung thought differently, stood out if compared with others relationships. It was very different – you could notice it from a mile off – since it wasn’t changed and now their destiny was to break up like others. Yoongi knew that their hearts had never beaten in unison, differently from others couples – Was really worth it to still stay together? – he asked himself, while he was forcing his heart to speed up and reach the agitated heart of Taehyung, that kept on beating independent from the other. His gaze oscillated from the leaf to Taehyung, he desired – secretly and deep down inside of him – that the eyes of the boy met his.
He wanted Taehyung’s body, that released heat every day of the year, cling on his waist only for a brief moment. Yoongi surely would spontaneously combust himself, becoming like the ash and then he would be disappeared forever. He let himself get carried away by the peace of the nature, that remind himself of their happy memories, as if they were an old film played on his mind. Although their minds were close to each other, they both were in two completely different places. Yoongi would have loved to create new memories but he was caged in the past, where he was sure that he would have found only good memories shine for him, instilling an endless nostalgia in his heart.
– Why can’t I forget him? Why can’t I forget our memories? – was all he could think about, and it was so strange to feel like that, to think at their memories that had faded – I look like a moron –, but he couldn’t blame himself, they were all wonderful, flaming, memories. They shone, like a butterfly that flap its wings for the last time. The wind started to blow unstoppable, bringing some drops of what appeared to be a downpour, but actually it simply was a drizzle. It seemed like if both of them were crying, transported by the common feeling of nostalgia or maybe it was only the cold rain that rested under the eyes, now tired, of the two boys. Yoongi took the pencil, that was between pages of his notebook, and he started to write.
’ Kim Taehyung I miss you,
I miss you like acloudy night miss its stars,
those stars that led us toward our first kiss.
I know I don’t look like myself,
maybe it’s the feeling that is moving inside me,
I don’t know what it is,
but there is something.
I am not asking you to wait for me,
I made you suffer enough,
I know it, I’m sorry.
If a day you will miss me,
like I miss you right now,
come in this place,
I will be here to wait you’
He ripped up the paper, uncertain whether to throw it away or to give it to Taehyung, – I look like a fucking fifteen years old girl that is in love – Yoongi thought. He took that sheet and without a word he left, leaving Taehyung the way he found him. He walked among the path, careful not to step on any flower, and while he was walking to the main road, he saw a bin and he thought to throw there, the sheet with his words and his notebook. He was weak, he chose not to fight for their relationship, and now he had to throw away every possible, tangible memories so he could try to live without regrets.
Unfortunately he couldn’t throw his head into the bin, so he went to that Ageratum’s field every day like promised in that paper, that had never reached Taehyung. That place relived his mind from the pressure of his every day life, he didn’t have people that forced him to compose new songs, he didn’t have to think about how much his songs sucked, or to his dream that was crushed together with his happy memories. Yet one day, when his mind was finally free, he came face to face with the gaze of that person that immediately crowded his thoughts breaking the peace.
Taehyung had the same look, but Yoongi was changed: he learned in that place that if someone loved someone else, they weren’t necessarily a fifteen years old girl, and that if he loved another boy that wasn’t a bad thing. It was impossible to avoid his heart that beaten like a hummingbird every time he saw Taehyung in front of himself; it was impossible to stop his worries that instinctively grew inside him, it was impossible not to blush, it was impossible not to desire those lips or Taehyung’s spontaneously hugs. Instead it was possible to say that absolutely, without a doubt, Min Yoongi was love. Taehyung approached him, with an intolerable slowness, – maybe Yoongi was simply impatient – . When however, he sat next to him with, what seemed to be, his paper in his hands, Yoongi felt weak again
“ I found this letter in the binwith your notebook a month ago, Have you written those words for me?” It was useless to lie at this point
“Yes” he simply answered, hoping that his voice didn’t seem weak to Taehyung’s ears like it seemed in his.
“You still miss me?”
“Yes every single day.” It was sudden, but it was exactly what Yoongi wanted, that was exactly what he missed: Taehyung’s hug. He threw his arms around his shoulder with the body close to his. It was unbelievable, how generous and altruist was the boy, he had forgiven Yoongi. He enjoyed their heat that was precious as gold, especially during a cold day. He could smell again the sweet perfume of Taehyung in his nostrils. Taehyung’s heart was calmly beating but easily audible since, Yoongi’s hand was exactly ended in his chest. It was nice to hear that beating one last time .
“If you want maybe we could be friends aga–” Yoongi interrupted him.
“ We can’t ” his heart literally was about to blow, he could feel it.
“What? Why?” He looked very shocked, but the problem was just beginning.
“ Today I took five or six pain killers ”
“ Are you stupid? You can die! Why you fuckingdid it?” Taehyung shouted with all his voice.
“ I waited for you every day, I’d like to think that my mind was finally free but it wasn’t true, I felt like shit. I felt pain in my heart, so I thought that if I took pain killers they were supposed to kill my pain, but my love, my love couldn’t be killed, it was to late. Still I took those pills every day and today I decided to put an end to my pain. ” Yoongi simply said while his rested on Taehyung’s shoulder, like nothing happened
“Your what? ”
“ My love Taehyung, I realized that I loved you but it was to late ” Yoongi smiled, and it was the best thing Taehyung had ever seen, it was sincere and genuine, and Taehyung simply loved it, he loved him.
“ You’re a fool, only a fool. I loved you since we met in that school, since you helped me composing Never Mind, your song, our song. I’m not lying, I felt used but I still missed you so I went here, I thought that here you couldn’t find me but you did and you even wrote that words. I found that paper the day after you went here, I saw you but you didn’t saw me, I think you were sleeping. I wanted to see if you kept your promise and you did. You came here every day, and each day I saw you but you never saw me, and it hurt me, and I realized how much I needed you, how much I missed you. You don’t care, you never did even nowyou’re selfish, you didn’t give a damn about me and only now when you’re dying, you say that you love me. You are a fool Min Yoongi”
“ You’re right I’m a fool, but I’m a fool because I love you, and now I will burden you no more, so you can be happy, and start again. I know it sound like a romantic book but you have to do it. Don’t do something stupid. Please.”
“ Why are you talking like that! Be yourself until the end ”
“ I hurt you and I’m sorry that I abused you that day, I was so drunk. I didn’t mean to hurt you but I was so drunk that I couldn’t understand what was I doing. I wanted to apologize with you, I’m really sorry Taehyung, but you don’t have to forgive me.”
“ First, you were drunk, second I already forgot you ” Taehyung’s eyes were so tired they didn’t even had the strength to cry, but somehow he still wiped away a tear.
“ Don’t cry please, the last thing I want to see is your beautiful smile please”
“ I can’t smile hyung, I can’t live without you, I’m crying because you’re…dying. I will not see you anymore, you understand this?”
“ It…It isn’t true maybe one day, we could meet again, and maybe start again”
“ You’re ridiculous you know ?” Taehyung laughed
“ Thank you.. for laughing.. for be here with me. That day when you talked for the first time with me, I thought you were strange but I was happy that someone was talking with me. I was happy that someone loved me so much, and you still love me and I’m still happy. I’m so happy”
“ Don’t thank me, I did what I felt was the right thing to do. Loving you was a right thing ” and suddenly Taehyung felt Yoongi’s head fall on his lap, he wasn’t with him anymore, and he cryied, he shouted, but no one heard him, because now there was nobody that would have listened him.
Well I’m back this time with my second favorite ship that is * drums roll*…. taegi. Sincerely I was uncertain whether to make it a Taegi or Jihope fanfic but, after I thought at the plot of the history, I chose taegi. I hope that you liked the sad ending, I think I’m a sadistic girl but as Yoongi says “never mind” (?) . I also want to thank thesaurus that helped me a lot because I still have to improve my English , never mind and dead leaves of the bts.
See you soon, because I have a lot of ideas, I only have to find the time to write ehehe~♡
Hello! Take as much time as you need replying to this, but I think the song Let's See How Far We've Come by Matchbox 20 is great for Vox Machina. Particularly for the upcoming fight with the dragons. :) Also, you're a lovely person.