yearsafter

Damn, you know
after all these years
after all this time, 
this mass of happenings
clinging to my chest, 
my shoulders, my God, 
you know, I still think of you.

It kills me inside. I never even
got a chance with you. I never 
got the opportunity to be finished
with your stupid laughter or your 
horrible jokes, your irritating smile
and your interest in everybody else,
dammit you weren`t even interested 
in them that way, you just weren`t ready,
you know? And now, so many years later,
I still think of you. You got ready only 
years after me. Then you grew, you woke
up, understood that you wanted to live your
life with someone. And then you found her.

Not that I have anything to say. I am actually 
really happy. I wouldn`t change my life now
for anything - I can`t. But if I would, I still couldn`t 
do it. I praise the skies for my happiness. I am happy. 
Every day he reminds me of why I am happy, 
and I am really, really lucky.

But you were the first I put my eyes on. The first my 
arrogance fighted against. The first one I really wanted,
for real. To be a part of. To be called his. I wanted to do 
everything for you. I looked at you every day in class. 
I listened to your music. I loved you. I really loved you.

And now, I cannot love you anymore. 
Now you`re married, too. 

For the first time, I sincerely listened inside,
and wished you and her a great life together.

I hope you make each other happy.
I really hope you don`t do the same stupid mistakes as I`ve done,
I hope you help each other to be happy, to stay positive, to live your
lifes together, and I really hope, even though this is a hard one,
that you love each other so much that you`ll stay together.


My sorrow to carry

mcb

5

What Frida wore: the artist’s wardrobe locked up for 50 years

After Frida Kahlo died in 1954, her husband Diego Rivera shut her belongings in a bathroom at their Mexico City home, the Blue House – then demanded it be locked until 15 years after his death. It was not opened until 2004. 

Her possessions are now on display at the Frida Kahlo museum in Mexico City in an exhibition curated by Circe Henestrosa. 

Photos: Ishiuchi Miyako

5

12x01 “Keep Calm & Carry On”
The First Real Hug after 33 Years

After finally being able to watch the episode in decent quality, I have to say this was probably the strongest and best moment of the episode for me. Both Samatha Smith and Jensen knocked it out of the park here. The way both of them conveyed so much with just their eyes deserves so much more recognition and praise than they get in the industry. Because just look at them here. Both Mary and Dean shellshocked, both incapbale of believing this is truly happening, both afraid to touch in fear that the other one may vanish into thin air. And what gets me is the minimal dialogue here, because these three words spoken convey so much and are so thick and heavy with meaning and emotion. The way Dean seems to morph back into a little 4 year old boy and how he stands there when he is experiencing being hugged by his mother - and truly his mother, not by a memory of her or a dream of her, but truly her - for the first time in 33 years, it’s just heartbreaking. Because if you compare this to 2x20 “What Is And What Should Never Be” and how Dean rushed into her arms and held on so tight and how fragile and tender their hug is here. Of course they are practically “strangers”, but I personally can’t shake the feeling that they touch so lightly, because maybe they are afraid that if they’d truly held on tight the other one would slip through their fingers and disappear - you know the more you hold on to something, the more it slips away. I’m not going to lie, but this scene and this hug may be one of the most expressive ones of the entire show with Dean and his eyes wide open - afraid to shut them and open them again to find himself alone and waking from a dream - unable to process this any more than his mother. And I know it’s ridiculous, but what really kind of gets me most is the last motion we see before the title cards: Mary lifting her hand from Dean’s shoulder and holding his head, because this protective gesture is just beautiful to me - especially as we know Dean does the same thing too (just one more aspect to capture how alike Dean and Mary are). And now finally, it’s not Dean showing this protective gesture, but experiencing it himself and not just from anyone, but his mom. For the first time in 33 years.

Just for kicks - A list of my favorite XFiles fanfic, Old School Style

In no particular order, here’s a list of my favorite XF fic from back in the day, pre-IWTB and revival, all circa 2002 and before. Welllllllll before. 

12 Degrees 

12 Rites

Abandoned 

Acquitted 

Across the Rubicon 

Acts (OMFG)

Affirmation 

After All These Years

After Hours - Dance 

After Midnight 1-3

Against the Wall

Air 

Alarming Behavior 

All Mulder’s Women 

All of Me

All or Nothing 

All the Children Are Insane 

All We Know of Heaven (awwwww Jenna Tooms, *sniff* miss her!)

Alternatives 1-5

An Alluring Indiscretion 

Anethetic and Old Lace (Plausible Deniability! loved her!)

Aphrodisia 1-7 (OMFG Kristel St. Johns!)

Armani 

Atonement

Birthday Blues

Beds are Burning 

Between Then and Now 

B is for Bondage

Bittersweet Release

Blind Faith 

Bound 

Brass Bed 

Breadcrumbs

Butterfly in China (SO FUCKING GOOD)

By Touch 

Captive Fox 

Cat Fight 

Covenants, Contracts and Restrictions

Change of Venue 

Cheapened Things

Cinammon, #2 Mandrake, and #3 Spooky Says 

C is for Courage 

Click Here (ADRIENNE I LOVE YOU FOR THIS @icedteainthebag)

Clinical 

Closet Doors

Consequences

Crossing 

Curiosity 

Current 

Damaged Goods

Frozen 

Demonstrative 

Doing What Comes Naturally 

Doors

Dust Mites

Eat It Too

Eclipse 

Eggs in One Basket

Enough of Me

Entitlements 1-4 (GOD I FUCKING WISH THERE WAS A V!) 

Erlona’s Heart 1- 4

Eternal Flame 

False Assumption

Burn by Alanna

Scenes by Beduini

Blinded by White Light

Desirderatum 

The Eleventh Hour

Out of Our Minds

Figment 

Fire

Foils 

Fridays Fantasies Revealed

Frustration

Games

Germ Warfare

Gift 1 & 2 

Girl 77 

Going Once 

Good Vibrations

Gradual Preciptation

Greek Silk 

Happy B-day Love

Healing Ophelia (HO)

Heat 

Hers 

Hey You 

His 

HO2: Fetish 

Hollywood Nights

Hopeless

Impulse 

Increments

Indebted (gasp! loveeeeeeee)

Informed Choice 

In the Ruins

Jitters 1-3

Just Friends

Just Pretending

Just Words

Keyhole 1&2

Leftovers

Like a Red Red Rose 1-5

Live Action

Loving You

Making Waves

Manic Tuesday

Maters of the Heart 1 & 2

Maybe I’m Amazed

Metamorphosis 

Mirror Image 1-3

Misled and Misled: Suggestion

Movie Classics

Mulder Please

Mutual 

My Pleasure 

Never

New Year

New Years Buzz 

Nightclub Girls 

Nightclub Jitters

Nolies 

Nonresolved

No Regrets

Not Everything 

Nova

Obfuscating

Online 1&2

One Hour

One Night of Passion

Opacity

Ordinary Life

Osculation

Outfoxed

Pandora’s Box

Partners 

Password 

Patch

Perpetual Bliss

Pick Any Number

Platonic 1 & 2

Playing Goddess

Primal’s Sympathy

Punishment 

Pushed

Quissi

Ready

Rebellion

Red Letter

Regrets

Remember Me

Repressed

Resolution 

Revealing 

Revelation

Right in Front

Risky Business

Roulette

Ruby 

Rush in Roulette

Sal in 4C

Sated But Not Abated

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Saturday’s Sex Fest

Scenes 

Second Skin Satin

Secret

Secret Fantasies 1-3

Seduce 

Seduction

Senses 1-2

She Wears It Well 

Slippery Slope

Smoking 

Snooping

Spring Cleaning 

A Stiff One 

Suzugos 

Sweet Torture

Switched

Tangible

Teetering

The Other Side of Eden 

There for You

The Wager 

The Wish

Things Can Only Get Better

This is Heaven

This Never Happened

Three Months 1-2

Thursdays Peeping Tom 

Time 

Tootsie Pop (YAS!)

Torn Short 

Touched But Never Held 

Toys 101 

Train Up a Man

Truelies (sequel to Ordinary Life)

Truth or Dare by Compeau and Soleil 

Truth or Dare 1-2 by Adrienne 

Truth or Dare McClure

Tuesday’s Torn Shirt

Two of a Kind

Unnatural 

Underwear

Unexpected

Unquiet Grave

VCR

VHS

Visitor

Voices in the Mind 

Volition Unbound

Waiting Period

Wednesday’s Wild Theory

Where’s There’s a Will

Why Can’t I Resist You

Wicked

Wild

With a Vengeance

Wonderland

Words

Worth Breaking 

You Can’t Go Home Again 1-2 

Yule Vibrations


I lied. They’re alphabetical. And the common theme happens to be smut. MSR smut. Slooooooooowly going through Gossamer before (PERISH THE THOUGHT) it disappears. This is what I’ve accumulated over the years, so far. Feel free to add others! 

8

The RNC was the most flagrant display of GOP racism America has seen in years

After the most openly racist candidate in a generation has risen from laughing stock to GOP presidential nominee, it’s no surprise that at least one party insider would openly dispute the cultural worth of non-white people. The RNC’s line-up of speakers has been peppered with a shocking degree of racist sentiment — a strain of anti-blackness, in particular.