I started writing this at school because I was bored and here we are. Y/N is somewhat representative of me because I’ve been feeling exactly the same as she has. This is my first fic so let me know what you think!!x
You were getting bad again, Harry could tell. He could always tell. You had been doing so well for so long and he was so proud of you. But you were slipping away again, you were becoming more distant. You didn’t mean to, you didn’t want to, but that’s just how it was with you.
When you and Harry met, you were at a low point. It took you a while to open up and give yourself to him completely, there were still some things you hadn’t told him, even after almost two years together. Over time, Harry finally got the old you back - that happy, enthusiastic you. Harry loved you before that, but seeing how happy you could be made him want to help you stay that way. And you did… for a while. A lot of shit came with dating Harry, you knew that, you experienced that. That’s when you got bad again, but that was ages ago. You had learnt to deal with that pretty well.
Harry didn’t know what made you so distant this time. Hell, you didn’t even know. You didn’t realise you were becoming more and more withdrawn. One day, after months of being so happy and with only a few down days, you just couldn’t deal with anything anymore.
You found yourself struggling to get out of bed, and you were more tired than usual. Any chance to sleep, you would take. You had always loved your sleep, so you didn’t think anything of it. Then, you found yourself not wanted to leave the house - the thought of talking to people and being outside gave you severe anxiety. You made excuses to stay home and not go out with friends, and when you were out, all you wanted to do was go home. You couldn’t even leave your bed now. You didn’t want to and you weren’t going to force yourself anymore - you couldn’t. You barely even ate anymore, you used to love food. Now, the thought it made you sick even if you were starving and you were losing weight. You couldn’t tell, you thought that because you were naturally slim it would be hard to lose weight and it wouldn’t be as noticeable. It was noticeable, though. Very.
“Come on, my love. You know that mum’s gonna be here soon.” Harry sighed, sitting on the bed as you buried your face in the pillow.
“Can’t you just tell her I’m sick? H, I’m really tired and I would love to just go back to sleep right now.” You didn’t notice, but your voice was more vulnerable than usual, quieter, weaker.
“No, you’ve been in bed for ages and you need to eat something. Get up and get ready, I’ll make you breakfast… well, lunch.” Harry said, he placed his hand on the side of your face as if he was brushing away imaginary tears and kissed your forehead.
While Harry was making breakfast, he found himself wondering what was on your mind. He didn’t know if you were just having a rough couple of days and to give you space or if you were getting really bad again. He never judged you when things got really bad, he never got angry with you. But he hated seeing you so down. He hated not knowing what to do or how to help you. Harry always caught on when you were getting bad again, he could feel when things weren’t right. He knew that it took all of your willpower to just get out of bed and you had to force yourself to eat at times. However, he decided to wait until after his mum left you ask you what was going on. He didn’t want to push you.
“So, before she comes down. What are you getting Y/N for your anniversary.” Anne asked Harry as they stood in the kitchen with a cuppa.
“Not sure yet, mum. I wanna do something really special, though. Two years isn’t really that long but god, mum, I really want to make her happy this year. Last year we didn’t so much.”
“She’d be happy with anything, H, you know that.” Anne reassured him. “After what she told me when I last saw her I th-”
“What did she tell you? She didn’t tell me she spoke to you about anything.” Harry cut his mum off, eager to know what his girlfriend told her.
“I don’t think she’d want me to tell you.”
“Mum, you know that I’ll just ask her myself so, please, just tell me. I’m worried about her if I’m honest. I think she’s getting bad again.”
“I’m worried too, H. I can see it in her eyes - she’s here but she’s not. She told me that she was feeling a bit out of it recently.” Anne looked at her son with worried eyes, and as Harry was just about to say something, you walked into the kitchen. You didn’t even give them time to collect their thoughts.
“Hey, Anne. How are you?” You beamed, you were actually really excited to see Anne. Ever since you first met her, she’d been nothing but lovely to you. You’d gotten really close with Anne over the past two years, she was like your second mother.
“Still not used to being alone in the house, if I’m honest. But I’m alright. And you?”
“I guess I’m alright. And you know that if you ever get lonely, Harry and I can come and stay. I can even come while Harry’s away so the both of us don’t lose our minds. And you can stay here.” You smiled at her, you didn’t really pay much attention to Harry because you were focusing on what Anne was saying but when you did look at him, he seemed to be in deep thought. “H, are you alright?”
“Are you?” He asked, you knew the question had a much deeper meaning but with his mum here, you really weren’t up for having that conversation right now.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Were you?
Anne had left for the day and it was around 8:30 in the evening. Having spent so much time talking to Anne and catching up, yourself and Harry didn’t really speak much. You knew exactly what Harry was thinking and you knew why. You knew that you’d been spending more time in the house and you’d been sleeping more than usual. You were aware of the fact that you’d only eating a couple slices of toast and half your dinner yesterday, actually, for the whole week. And you were well aware of the fact that you could snap at Harry or yourself or anyone and anything at any given moment. You could feel yourself getting bad again.
You hadn’t eaten breakfast and you were cranky. Even though Harry had made you something earlier, you just didn’t really feel hungry, all you had was a cup of tea and bit of fruit when Anne was here. Now… now you were hungry. You found yourself looking in the cupboards and the fridge for something to eat. You found nothing. There was more than enough food there but everything made you feel sick. It frustrated you so much.
“For fuck’s sake.” You muttered angrily to yourself as you slammed the fridge shut.
“Everything alright, love?” Harry called from the living room.
“There’s no fucking food in this house!” You snapped. You didn’t mean to, but you did.
“Yes, there is.” He told you calmly, but wearily at the same time. “There’s a lot of food, actually.”
“Jesus, H. Not all of us want to live off of kale and fucking almond milk!” You didn’t know why you were so angry all of a sudden. Harry didn’t know either, he knew something was up. But that didn’t mean the way you yelled at him didn’t hurt his feelings. “Look, I’m gonna just shower then head to bed.” You said in a much calmer voice.
“Y/N, are you okay, my love?” He asked you again, this time with a much gentler voice. The voice he uses to calm you down.
“No, I’m not okay! I haven’t been okay since I was twelve, maybe thirteen. But unfortunately, I’m still here.” You don’t know why you were so angry, all Harry did was care for you. It didn’t feel like it though, you always felt like no one ever cared. And when you would get like this, nothing would change the fact that you thought that.
“Love, please just talk to me.” Harry was practically begging you to say something other than ‘I’m fine’, and that’s what happened.
“I’m getting bad again and I don’t know what to do or where to go or who to tell because no one really cares, do they?” You were yelling at this point. You didn’t want to yell, but you couldn’t stop yourself. You hated yourself because you were ruining his night after a great day with his mum and you couldn’t stop.
“I care!” Harry raised his voice, he’s never done that before - not when you’re like this. No, he wasn’t supposed to be angry with you, he wasn’t supposed to hate you. “I fucking care, and seeing you like this has been killing me. It’s been killing me for days because I know! I know that you’re getting bad again and I’m so fucking angry because I don’t know how to help you this time.”
“I don’t need your help! I’ve gotten through this on my own before, I can sure as hell do it again.” Your own voice was beginning to irritate you. You wanted to shut the fuck up, but it was almost like your demons were forcing the words out of your mouth.
You couldn’t be in the same room as him anymore, you didn’t want to say anything else that you didn’t mean. You’d ruined his night already, what was the point in making it worse. When you stormed up the stairs, Harry was ready to follow you. Then he remember that you needed space in times like his. Harry felt like shit for yelling, he was just so frustrated because this time, he didn’t know what caused it.
Usually, something drastic or traumatic would happen and you’d distance yourself then let the vicious cycle begin. But nothing happened this time.
Harry didn’t only need to check on you, he needed to apologise. He didn’t want to make you feel even worse. Harry was walking up the stairs when he heard you. He heard your sobs. He was outside the bedroom door but it was locked. Harry stayed out there for a while just listening to you, he’s only ever heard you cry like that a handful of times. It broke is heart, completely shattered it.
You knew he was there, but you didn’t want to bother him anymore. You didn’t even know why you were crying. Why were you so sad? Why did it feel like the walls were closing in on you? Why did you feel like nothing was going right in your life? You never knew the answers. You startled yourself with a sob. A loud, ugly, painful sob. You hadn’t felt this way in so long, you forgot how shitty it was. This time, it was harder - it was more gradual.
Maybe it was all subconscious, a part of your brain was telling you not to be happy. That every time things felt good, it was too good to be true. Sooner or later, you’d fall back into the black hole - and this time, you’d fallen so fucking far.
“Baby, can you open the door?” He sounded so desperate. You said nothing but walked towards the door and your hand reached for the doorknob. “Love, please. I know you’re crying and I just… please open the door.” Again, he was met with silence. “Y/N, I’m really sorry for yelling at you. You know I didn’t mean it.”
You twisted the doorknob slowly and pulled the door open. Harry immediately pulled into his chest and you sobbed into him until you were all out of tears. He kept kissing your head and telling you that you were alright, he was telling you to let it all out. You don’t know how long you were standing there, it must’ve been ages. You pulled back to look at Harry and he looked so heartbroken and disappointed in himself.
“I ruined your shirt.” I told him, chuckling pathetically to yourself as you wiped your tears.
“My shirt will be fine. But I’m not too sure that you will…” Harry said, his voice was so gentle and caring. “How about you put on one of my shirts and then we can have a cuddle?”
You and Harry had been wrapped in each other arms for a good twenty minutes before either of you decided to speak. He was running his fingers through your hair as you drew random patterns on his bare chest. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but it did get deafening.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Harry asked. It’s a question you’d been asked several times in the last twenty-three years but when Harry asksd, everything spilled out even if you didn’t want it to.
“I don’t even know where it came from this time, H.” You said, barely above a whisper. “I’m not sure why this is happening. Everything was perfect and now I just want to… I want to -”
“Want to what, my love?”
“Leave.” You choked out. “I’m already half gone. My body’s here but my mind isn’t, I don’t know how to bring myself back. I don’t know if I want to come back at all. I hate this world.”
“You’ve been really distant lately - not like before. This time, you don’t even look at me, you don’t try to talk.” Harry wasn’t angry, he wasn’t even hurt because he knew you couldn’t control what was going on. He was, however, more worried than he’d ever been.
“I don’t mean to be like this,” you let out a shaky breath as you feel the tears coming back. “Don’t want to be like this…” You were crying again, he felt your warm tears on his chest. “I’m really sorry, H. I’m sorry for yelling.”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare apologise. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, my love. I know none of this is your fault, and I’m sorry for getting mad. But we’ll get through this. You’ll get through this, you always do.” Harry told you quietly and kissed your forehead, then he gave your body a small squeeze, it was his way of saying ’you’ve got this’.
“I know,” you whispered. “I’m just tired of taking steps backwards, you know? I’m twenty-three, H, I just wanna feel content. No fake happy, no lying. Why can’t I have that?”
“I promise you, one day, whenever that may be, that you will be the happiest woman in the world. I’ll make sure of that.” When you didn’t reply for a few moments, Harry realised that you had fallen asleep. He smiled to himself, knowing that you didn’t cry yourself to sleep this time. He’s happy that you fell asleep peacefully.
“I promise, we’ll be alright.”
What do you think? I hope you enjoyed, let me know if you want a part two or request anything else you want.