@mancunienne reblogged your post and added:
Just going on the children-crying aspect of this, I would love some advice.
Since 2015 I was helping to raise a baby with my friend who’s disabled. This has caused certain things to be more difficult in the act of child rearing, it takes longer to get jobs done like making milk, I would get told don’t rock the baby on your legs to stop her crying cos I can’t do it if you’re not here etc. So now I’ve kind of had to take a seat on the bench cos my friend has a load of helpers from the council now but while I’ve been sort of out of action, the baby who is nearing 2 now has become quite naughty. She always was mischievous but mostly she throws tantrums and pinches and bites and steals toys from other children. Her mother thinks she’s picked it up from a really really naughty kid who she used to play with cos she never did any such things before then, but if she gets told off for example, don’t touch the control on mama’s wheelchair! Don’t pinch aunty! Give me back my phone! No you can’t have that balloon. She throws mega tantrums. We were advised by me mam, just ignore her and let her cry until she realises she’s not gonna get her own way but she can last a good half and hour in a tantrum mode and she WELL holds grudges, but if my friend is alone and she’s trying to ignore the baby’s tantrum then people start coming over to her bein’ all ‘oooh! Do you need help! Oh you poor thing in a wheelchair with a baby! Isn’t there something we can do?!’ and if she tries to explain no, she just wants my phone, no she just wants sweets, no she just wants to play on the ride and we can’t just ignore her, she feels embarrassed - (on that I’ve noticed no one worries about other mams who aren’t in wheelchairs who REALLY could use some help while they’re trying to hold several bags and their toddler is threatening to run in front of a tram.
When the baby is told she can’t have that, don’t do that it’s dangerous, she sometimes starts screaming and then runs to me as if she’s thinking maybe I can get whatever I want out of aunty! And I want to be supportive to my friend so usually I just stand up and go No, you can’t have it. No you should listen to mama. And stand up so she can’t pull on me
And also my friend, if she starts having a tantrum say for example cos she isn’t allowed a phone, she’ll try and distract her out of the tantrum by giving her something else, getting her a balloon or sweets, is that as bad as just giving her whatever she’s after? Is it saying, ok a tantrum will result in you getting SOMETHING?
Tantrums are a phase kids need to learn. Everything that girl is doing sounds… really dang normal for a two-year-old. I mean, yeah, it could turn into a problem later, but it’s probably not due to the ~corrupting influence~ of somebody or something; it’s because she’s two.
Kids need to learn how to deal with huge emotions and learn to calm down the same way they need to learn to walk and talk. But we’re not really told this–we’re told how to help them practice walking and how to repeat babytalk back at kids to encourage them, but not really how to encourage kids to respond during tantrums.
One system I find really good is Circle of Security; you can actually find it in the form of a parenting group where parents come in once a week for about half a year and review videotape of themselves interacting with their children so they can think about what really works and what doesn’t.
Their core idea is that children need help with difficult emotions, and those difficult emotions are ways of saying, “Caregiver, I don’t know what to do and can’t solve this problem. Please help me.” So what kids really need during this is not things–it’s gentle adult attention.
Here’s a video with the basic idea–there are more on Youtube if you search “circle of security”. Do you need an English transcript?