yay for old jams

I realize

that if the worst problem you have is that you have to get up from your tumbling to go get ready for a school fundraising party wherein a whole bunch of suburban moms start out talking about their kids’ extracurricular activities but then get turnt af on $11-a-bottle chardonnay and end up dancing like a pack of assholes to the kind of music I only hear at the gym, that you’re doing all right, but – godDAMN do I not want to go to there. I have to 1) put on makeup, 2) pretend I give an airborne fuck about soccer vs. gymnastics vs. hockey or whatever else these fuckin people do with their time, and 3) not spiral about XF s11, my Special Feelings about GA, and/or the amount of space Gillovny takes up in my brain. Send me good vibes, y’all … I need your strength to tuck into my party clutch alongside my lip-plumping gloss.

jordan looking very meow

Parenting Done Right

(takes place during the Christmas season)

Customer: Hi, do you have any of that Rose Jam body wash left?

Me: We sure do but it’s going fast!  You really like that Rose Jam scent huh?

Customer: Oh no it’s not for me, it’s for my son.  He loves the scent and tells me “the ladies love it” as well.  Do you have it in any other products?

Me: Oh ma’am, I got you covered