I think this anon arrived at my account last year. Naalala ko pa noong una ko tong binasa sabi ko “tangina neto, ginagawa akong tanga porket tama grammar ng pinagsasabi niyang kshitan” tapos nasa isip ko wala akong pake kung mali grammar ko, basta nailalabas ko ang nadarama kong hinanakit sa damdamin. Until bigla akong nadepressed, to the thought na baka sa una pa lang pinagtatawanan na nila ako, na yung ibang mga blogs na nagpopost about wrong grammar poet ay ako, feeling ko lahat ng bagay na kapintas pintas sa blog ko ay totoo. Suddenly my blogging confidence just went from 100 to 0. Nawala na parang bula ang confidence ko para magsulat, pakiramdam ko bawat sulat ko ay ijujudge ng iba, baka may makita silang maling grammar at kung ano-ano pa kaya tumigil muna ako ng ilang buwan, though nagpopost ako minsan pero binubura ko kapag hindi ako satisfied sa mga words na nakasulat dito. Eto din ang dahilan kung bakit nainsecure ako sa utak ko, the way I think, the times where I forget some basic words at dumating din sa point sa kung saan nagtatanong ako ng kung anong english neto which I dont usually or ive never done before. Halos mabaliw din ata ako, pero slight lang dahil akala ko imbis na tumalino ako every year, mas bumobobo yata ako, kasabay na rin sa pressure ng mga kaklase ko sa school, mga taong nagsasabi na akala nila nung una nila akong nakikilala ay matalino daw ako pero weird lang dawa pala. Hanggang sa sunod-sunod ko ng nareralize na ang baba na yata ng tingin saakin ng mga taong nasa paligid ko, they’ve treated me as someone na walang kwenta, hindi nila kailangan when it comes to academic matters, or basta related sa mga smart stuffs kuno. Doon ako bumaba ng bumaba hanggang sa wala na akong tiwala sa sarili ko.
Pero hindi ako sumuko, oo corny ang linya na yan pero putangina dahil sa iba kong kaibigan dito sa tumblr, kilala niyo na kung sino kayo, sila yung tumulong sakin para maencounter ko ang insecurities ko. Sinabi nila sakin na natural lang sa isang baguhang manunulat ang makakuha ng ganyang criticism, though I took it way too serious on my side dahil first time ko lang ang mapansin ang grammar ko sa pagsusulat, Tangina natatawa ako sa drama ko dahil diyan sa anon na yan, pakyu kang anon ka kahit na good criticism mo yan nainsecure ako ng pagkatagal tagal at hanggang ngayon meron pa rin epekto sakin.
Eto lang ang conclusion ko sa long post na ito:
Sa dinami rami ng sinabi ko, ang gusto ko lang iparating ay dadating tayong lahat sa point na kung saan akala natin wala tayong insecurities, pero meron pala at sobra ang magiging epekto nito sa pagka tao natin. The best way to conquer it is try to embrace it, sa paraan ko dahil nga sa nainsecure ako sa pagiisip ko or the way I write, umino ako ng memo plus gold at hindi po ito sponsored pero kung balak po ako isponsor ng memo plus gold hihi contact me po, charot lang. Ayun nga, I tried to exercise my brain, nagbasa ako lalo para maexpand ko pa ang vocabulary ko at I tried my best to write a poem na galing talaga sa puso ko at hindi para sa sake ng blog na ito.
Writer/Author : Ito yung mga blog talaga nang isang manunulat na tipong feel na feel mo yung post niya, makakarelate ka tapos karamihan sa post niya long posts, readable, and etc na talagang mag-eenjoy ka kababasa at talagang may matututunan ka. Sila yung open to advice anyone na mag-a-anon sa kanila kahit ano pa man yang problema mo. ✍🏻☺️
Personal Blog: Ito yung mga bloggers na more on kwentong buhay ang laman nang blog, sila yung tumatawag sa tumblr nila as diary nila kasi dito nila pinopost lahat lahat as in LAHAT nang mga hindi nila kayang ishare/ikwento to someone na kakilala nila kaya dito sila naglalakas loob na ipost yung mga hinaing nila sa pang-araw araw nila.🗣🙍🏻
Photographer : Syempre as a photographer syempre puro scenery laman nang blog nila na sila yung mismong nagcapture at sila yung nagpakahirap makuha yung best view and angle para sa pictures na pinopost nila. 📸💁🏻
Magaganda/Poging Blogger : Sila yung mga blogger na pag nagpost nang selfie or kahit anong picture nila ay talagang ang dinadagsa nang anon/s and admirer/s. Hakot din sila sa mga friendships dahil karamihan naman sa kanila friendly. 👸🏻
Unknown Blogger : Sila yung mga bloggers na mystery at malihim sa buhay. They don’t post selfie picture kaya hindi mo talaga sila kilala at hindi mo alam yung itsura nila. Sila yung mga blogger na parang personal post din pero mas maingat sa words and names na gagamitin. Sila yung blogger na hindi nagpapakilala kasi they want to secure their privacy. 😶🙈🙊
Friendly Blogger: Sila yung mga blogger dito na hakot friends at sabog talaga ang inbox sa dami nang kausap. Sila yung makikita mong may ‘good morning’ , ‘happy birthday’ ‘hello/hi’ ‘miss you’ greetings palagi sa dashboard , minsan may kamurahan pa pero 'Bes’ naman ang tawagan. At mostly laman nang blog niya puro pag-uusap nila nang someone na kaibigan niya na dito.👯
Reblogger : Sila yung mga blogs na puro reblog lang yung laman nang blog kasi nakakarelate sila sa post. They don’t usually post kasi mas trip nila na magscroll lang nang dashboard then reblog. 🙃🙂🔁
Painter/Illustrator/Artist: Isa sila sa mga blogger na nakakainspire yung blog kasi puro artworks , drawings na nakakamangha at nakakainggit kasi nabiyayaan nang magandang writings at mahiwagang kamay. 🎨
Singer : Sila naman yung talagang nakakabighani yung boses, karamihan sa laman nang blog nila or kilala sila dahil sa mga cover na kinakanta nila. 🎶🙇🏻
Reader/Bookworm : Sila yung mga blogger na puro feedback and ratings about sa isang libro yung blog nila mostly nagsa-suggest sila nang mga book na nabasa nila na maganda at talagang nakakahook basahin. 🤓📖
Joker : Sila naman yung mga blogger na talagang nakakagoodvibes yung blog nila tipong karamihan sa laman nang blog nila puro may sense of humor, may corny man minsan pero havey naman ang karamihan, sila yung mga blog na magandang dalawin before matulog kasi makakatulog ka talaga na masaya. 😂😝😜
TTH King/Queen: Sila yung mga blogger na dapat lamang dalawin nang mga edad 18+ kasi puro adult content yung laman nang blog nila, sila yung nga blogger na proud sa mga body nila na talaga namang nakakaproud din talaga. Lol. Sila yung nagpapakilala nang nudity in art 😅. At dahil rin sa kanila no awkward moments ang makakita nang porn sa dashboard. 😁
And Others, karamihan naman sa mga bloggers na yan tumatanggap ng anon or someone na need ng advice, open naman sila for your stories that you would like to share or someone to talk to about something or anything , so don’t hesitate to TA or message them. 😊😅
It was already evening when we reached the camp. The men greeted us and the colonels approached me to give updates and reports. When they gathered around me, I could see Rusca walking away, going in his hut.
I call one of the men, “Paki tanong si Rusca kung saan niya balak matulog.”
“Opo.” He quickly ran to Rusca’s hut and I went to mine.
I unpacked my things and suddenly, the door opened. It was Rusca.
“Dito kamatutulog?” I asked with hope in my tone.
“No. I just came to get my things.”
“Baka masyadong nasisikipan ka na sa kama.”
“Rusca…can we please talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, general.”
“Punyeta naman, Rusca.”
“Punyeta talaga.” He walked out and I just stood there. I want him beside me, I can’t sleep without him.
Lord, please, please end the nightmares. I want to sleep and rest.
I lie down and close my eyes, begging that nothing will happen. Yes, I’ve been sleeping soundly for the past few days when I was with Goyong, but I have to get through this by myself. I don’t need him.
But I just couldn’t. Suddenly, I heard gunshots again, I saw blood and I heard screaming. For some reason, it wasn’t Luna, Paco or Manuel and Jose…it was Goyong. They were beating him up, they were raping him.
Please! Don’t do this to my general! Let him go! You’re hurting him!
His screams pierced through my ears and I couldn’t do anything to save him, I couldn’t stop them.
“RUSCA! RUSCA! GISING!”
I opened my eyes and the men were looking at me.
“Rusca, binabangungot ka nanaman! Sinisigaw mo naman pangalan ng heneral ngayon!”
“Pasensya na, mga kapatid. Sa labas na lang ako matutulog para hindi mo maistorbo ang pahinga niyo.”
“Oo.” I get my pillow and blanket and go outside. I stay by the tables where we eat and I noticed that Goyong’s candle was still on.
I lay my head on the table and try to sleep, again.
The next morning, I scratched my eyes and I realized that I was lying down. I was on a bed; I was on Goyong’s bed. He must’ve carried me in when he saw me outside last night.
“Goyong?” He wasn’t there.
I went out and everyone was gathered.
“Ano meron?” I asked one of the men.
“Ewan ko nga eh. Pinatawag lang kami lahat ng heneral.”
“Here he comes now.”
“Everyone! I need your full attention. On Friday, two days from now, we will be helping the presidente hide in the mountains of Ilocos. He’ll need our full protection.”
“Heneral! Tatakas siya?” Someone asked from the crowd.
“No. He just needs to stay safe and alive for the Philippine army to still function. The Americans are trying their best to capture him.”
Everyone starts whispering and looking at one another.
“Okay, that is all. Please prepare and proceed with your works.”
I run up to him.
“Damn it Rusca! Stop calling me general!” He stops walking and looks at me.
“Why was I with you last night?”
“I brought you in. Magkakasakit ka pa sa ginagawa mo.”
“I didn’t need your help. You shouldn’t have done that.”
“You think you’ll be able to sleep without me beside you?”
“Yes!” He laughs at my reply and starts walking off.
I help train the men that I noticed were weak to fight. I could see Goyong watching from afar. I haven’t kissed and touched him in days…I miss it, I miss him. But then I’m reminded of why I shouldn’t.
Seeing him sweat and take his shirt off when he trains teases me because I know I won’t be able to cleanse him afterwards. I miss him so much. Why can’t he just forgive me? It’s not like I denied it.
I sat in my chair and planned on how everything will go: The presidente will arrive by Friday at dawn and we’ll head off with the army and we’ll make sure that no one will notice that he is the presidente on our way to the mountains just in case we get attacked.
I don’t want Rusca to go. It’s too risky, too dangerous. I’ll make him and a few more men stay to watch the camp…but he’ll probably refuse. I check my calendar; it’s Wednesday. I take a deep sigh.
I grab my bottle of serbesa and start drinking.
After dinner, a captain approached me.
“Edurardo! Please go to the general and report everything that has happened today. We just have an errand to do.”
I nod and slowly walk to his hut. I knock.
“Heneral?” I see him topless while drowning himself in serbesa.
“Heneral, you shouldn’t be doing this in the midst of war. You should be preparing with your men.”
“Wow! May pake ka pa pala.” He laughs and starts gulping.
“Akin na nga yan!” I go to him and try to grab the bottle.
“Halikan mo muna ako.” This bastardo’s drunk.
“Goyong, please.” I say in a calm tone.
He looks at me and his smile fades. He put the bottle down.
“The colonels just told me to report to you that training today was successful and we’ll be continuing it tomorrow…they just wanted you to know since you haven’t gone out since the afternoon.”
“I was busy.”
“Sure you were” I turn my back and was on my way out.
“I miss you, Rusca.” He says to stop me.
“It’s only been a few days.” I turn around to face him.
“Hindi mo ba talaga ko mapapatawad?”
“Give me a reason to.”
“You love me.”
“You hurt me, you lied to me. Paano kita mamahalin ulit? How will I forgive you? What you did made me forget why I love you in the first place. You took away my reasons of loving you the moment I found out. Everything I thought about you was a lie.”
He stands up and walks towards me. “Do you want to remember?”
I just stare at him. I don’t understand. “Do you want to remember how it feels like to be with me? How my love for you feels like?”
He closes the door behind me and from my back, he trails his lips on my neck and massages my shoulders.
“Ganun ba talaga kabilis makalimutan ang pagmamahalan natin?”
I close my eyes and enjoy the pleasure of his lips on my body.
He takes off my top and caresses me. I couldn’t resist it anymore. I want him, I miss him, I love him. I can’t live without this man, I just can’t. Even what he did was unacceptable, I need to forgive him.
I turn around and cup his cheeks to pull it to my face. Without any hesitation, I kissed him as hard as I could. I felt the long and need for it. It was like we haven’t kissed each other for years.
My moans must’ve turned him on cause he brought me to the bed and went to top of me and started kissing every inch of my body. I couldn’t help my scream to the pleasure that I was given. I missed this so much, I miss him.
“Please, scream my name, Rusca.”
I can feel his body throb and thirst for mine. He pinned my hand to the bed as his lips searched my body.
I couldn’t speak, I was too weak. He kept saying my name which was so good to hear while doing this.
We got tired and I lay on his chest.
“Goyong, I’m sorry,”
“For what, my love? I Don’t think you have any reason to be sorry.”
“I told you that I didn’t love you, but I do.”
“Have you forgiven me?” He asks.
“Then so have I.”
I kiss his chest. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Rusca…which is why I can’t let you go with us.”
“What?!” What is he saying? I have to go with him.
“It’s too dangerous for you. I don’t want you getting traumatized again.”
“Again? As if I’ve already healed, Goyong.”
“I’m going whether you like it or not!” I lay at my side.
“Wag na matigas ang ulo. Plus, no one will watch over the camp.” He starts playing with my hand.
“Ang daya mo.” He laughs.
“Kailangan mo pang mabuhay, no. We have so much more to add to our journeys.”
“Tapos magkaka anak pa tayo.” I say as a joke.
“Oo nga pala.”
“I was kidding Goyong!”
“Well I’m not. I want a daughter. We’ll name her Theresa.”
“Basta ba bumalik ka from all this, Goyong.”
“Rusca, I promise you that I’ll return.”
“Make damn well sure of that. I’ll agree to stay, if you keep that promise.”
He kisses my forehead and puts his nose on mine.
“I’ll always come back for you, Rusca.”
He blows off the candle and we fall asleep. Again, no nightmares…just peace, quiet and my Goyong.
Hi. How are you doing? Are you fine? Have you eaten your breakfast? Did you brush you teeth already? Did you take a bath? Are you finished doing your household chores? Your nails, have you trimmed them? Did you help at the kitchen today? Have you eaten your lunch? Your merienda? Did you take some siesta? What are you doing right now? I hope you’re doing fine. I hope you’re okay. I miss you. Talk to me please. I’m still here… I won’t go away… You have me.
This questions might seem annoying to you and to some but is it wrong to ask these? I’m just worried. You told me there’s nothing I can do to stop you from worrying and caring for me. Well… so do I. Heeey, heeeey, it might just be a few days since we last talked and our last day together wasn’t really that good because of me but hey I miss you.
You don’t have to text me every single minute or second. I just want to be assured that you’re doing fine. I don’t care if you don’t have any load to text me. I’m not mad. I won’t get mad. Just one single message that’s telling me what happened and how are you doing. That would be fine…