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YOU GOT ME

This crazy feeling of denying that I like you. It’s too much, too much to bare. It was all just a cute way of saying I like the way you act even though we just met but I’m not really quite sure if I like you. Am I too late or you didn’t wait for me? Talking to you face to face asking how it was when you’re with her and deep inside me wishing that I hope I met you earlier; before the day you decided to love her. I know this is weird and creepy but this is how I feel. I can’t help but to look for you, talk to you or even just look into your eyes and smile while you’re talking none sense about your new girlfriend. Don’t worry, this won’t last any longer so please just let me. Let me do this so when the real time comes, I’ll be thanking you that you loved her and we didn’t meet before. :)

Then again someone has proved me right. Right about people won’t last long in your life. They just always leave you. Some will take it slowly then out of your life, some will just unexpectedly disappear.

The truth is, everyone will leave you, you just have to accept the fact that when you let people in, they will destroy you. They will make you feel that out of this world feeling then will finally vanish, without you even noticing it.

Sometimes, I wonder. Am I really that hard to handle? That no one may ever think that I’m worth it?

Nothing really is permanent in this world. It is just only up to you how you will take and let go of things. Either you will let it satisfy you and just hurt you in the end.

This is the first time I spent 500+ pesos for just a book and so I’m planning to read this longer that I should HAHA jk!

I was just looking for something to read, like the other books I usually read because I finally just finished a very good book. When I was searching for books online, I saw the reviews and comments to this book and I think it’s something for me to read and so I decided I should buy one. I thought it already has a soft bound and I think the hard bound kind is a little bit expensive but I still bought it, you know :))

And I think it’s worth it. I know it’s worth it.

John Green’s a great author of novels and this book will change my perspective in life hehe I know it will ;)

Bur, 19, Size 12

180 lbs. - 5'3

I have been very insecure with my weight because I am surrounded with model-like closest friends. I’ve been struggling about every way I could lose weight when I really choose to puke at the mirror when I look at my naked body.

I learned how to love my curves when I gained the confidence to myself. I now eat healthy food and exercise daily with my dog. I’ve been telling my family and friends that I don’t do the healthy living because I hate my size or I hate my weight. I just choose to be healthy because I love my body, I don’t want to abuse it and I want to live longer and healthier.

I love who I am and who I’ve become now. Neither my body nor my weight won’t stop me from believing that I am beautiful. I’m embracing my curves and so I am embraced by the world.

:)

I never thought I’d be this scared to fall in love again, is it maybe because I took every risk that came my way? Now, there’s nothing left for may be the right one. Now, I don’t know how or what to feel anymore; it’s just so sad though that I ran out of confidence in finding the right one (this early)

Well now I know, I’ve learned enough, I guess? and I hope. Now that I’m not looking for anyone anymore, just settling for the one-sided love I got used to, here comes someone coming my way..

He was someone very unexpected, a complete stranger and being very spontaneous, he found me. 

From the day he started talking to me, played mind games just to keep me talking to him, getting my attention; it has almost been 2 months since. From that short while, I have met him once but still talks to him everyday. 

This is very unusual for me. I’m not used to entertaining a complete stranger, I tried to push him away many times but he says he’s planning to stay. I’m not so used to someone wanting my attention, getting to know me everyday and actually from a guy, someone unimaginable. This very different feeling he’s showing me, giving me unsure feelings as well.

Saying that I am now afraid to take more risks ‘cause I’m also afraid that there will be nothing left anymore. This feelings are crazy, far crazy enough for me to actually have for him. I over think, a lot. Thinking about how things should go or should not go. My mind can’t relax. This is weird because I haven’t really known him well and he actually have no definite idea who I am.

I think this is may be the best part. The part where you get to know the person well enough if you’d want him, being friends with him, getting comfortable with him. Until the part where you’d want to date him already, letting that person know that through those times, you’re accepting him and wanting for him to share his life with you. (and this I guess what I learned from his perspectives)

All of these has questions running almost everyday through my mind.

What if he’s not planning on anything, only just wanna be friends with me? or he liked me but realized that I will only be good as a friend for him? Am I just wasting my time or may be should  I flirt with other guys because he’s just a complete friend? And there’s a long list where those came from.

Being this new me (I guess) is very hard because I don’t get to control what I really should do, what the right thing that I should do about 'him’ situation. I always keep asking, doesn’t he want to see me or he’s just busy at work? (Well of course with this thought out of over thinking, and there I go again) and wanting to ask him out because talking to him everyday just ain’t enough for me.

Honestly saying, I’m investing already here. I don’t want another loads of waste anymore. It’s just that he’s taking it much slower than I could ever imagine. I have not ever been in a real relationship before and I’m afraid that he might be just another load of bullshit. That, I hope wouldn’t happen, 'cause i really am tired of that

I’m not saying that I like him but I really am investing here already or to say that I’m starting to. I have not much talked about him here since I don’t wanna think about him that much after thinking about him almost everyday.

And I really think this is long enough, I have said too much but may be not enough to really tell what’s in my mind. But to you boy, I hope this won’t be the last blog that I am positive about you. Please hold on to your words, I hope you’re just happy the way I am happy with you.

I just completely enjoy you. 

Di niyo ba naisip na kaya ako ganito dahil din sainyo? Na dahil tingin niyo sakin isang malaking pagkakamali, edi yun na pinapakita ko. May dapat pa ba akong patunayan? KASI SA LAHAT NG BAGAY NA GAWIN KO, PURO PAGKAKAMALI NA LANG. WALA NA KAYONG NAKITANG TAMA. Kaya wag niyong aasahan na maiintindihan ko kayo kasi di ko na din inaasahang maiintindihan niyo ako.

I will never understand you and you will never understand me, let’s leave it that way.

I am who I am because of you guys and since you’re already reading my blog without my permission, how do you expect me to react? Do you want me to jump and act like I just won the lottery? Bullshit

I don’t care about what you guys are going to tell me all I know is that YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Period.

Do you really think you understand me? Well THINK AGAIN.

I just got used to being judged EVERYTIME. You always think that everything I do is wrong. What can you not understand about I’m happy with my friends, with who I’m always with and who they are. You make me feel like I was just a big mistake to your lives, well I’m sorry I’M NOT THE DAUGHTER YOU WANT ME TO BE AND WHAT YOU THINK I AM.

You are pretty sure about what you think you know about me right? You may be my parents but you don’t know me, you don’t know who I really am.

This makes me think twice about opening up myself to you because I know and I’m now very sure that YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME. I don’t want you to know who I really am anymore, and that’s starting today.

How can you judge me that way if you yourselves are my parents? I never want to blog about you but this must have been the last straw. THE LAST FVCKING STRAW.

I lost respect.

I don’t care anymore, okay? You don’t know how much I sacrifice just to make you guys proud but all you see are the things that disappoint you because all you ever see is my mistakes.

This is me. Can’t you see? You don’t understand me, you’re just trying to but the truth is, you really don’t.

I don’t want to reason out anymore because you NEVER listen. You always think that everything you say is right, I always thought the same way too but not tonight, definitely not tonight.

You judged me, every single thing about me. After reading my blog? You totally crossed the line.

I know you know what’s right and wrong but let me be me, I know you just want to guide me to the right path but please give me the chance. You don’t know how much I’m trying, I really am.

I have not much more to say because I still respect you as my parents. I’m trying to understand every word you tell me, really I’m TRYING. Really really really. One thing is, this is my job as your daughter and that is your job as my parents, let’s do our jobs right.

 I love you. I always have, always do. I may be mad right now but please always remember that.

Please don’t ever give up on me.

Regrets

I don’t know why I’m used to get bothered lately every time I sober up and remember everything I did when I was really drunk. I used to question why regrets are place at the end. Isn’t it possible to feel the regret in the middle of something you thought would be wrong? Then well I guess it wouldn’t be called regret anymore. They were right, we have to think twice before doing something. Thinking twice about what the consequences will be, the things that will happen next. Will you still call it a regret when you know you wanted the thing you did, that it made you happy for one moment? Well regrets usually happen when you’re affected by the consequences. Bothered about what you did wrong or you think was right. Lately, I get this a lot, I mean A LOT. I’m so bothered about the things I should’ve controlled and the things that happened impulsively. I don’t want any regrets anymore ‘coz it wastes my time, tears up mind and it lessens my pride.

A drug-like addicting show is what kept me busy all sembreak long.

Now I’m just so stoked about the upcoming new episodes. I got so addicted to it,  even dreamed about it and me as one of its’ casts :))

External image

(Steven Yeun - The Asian guy in The Walking Dead series)

And this guy right here caught my heart like falling in a well kind :“> He’s my bet, you know. I love him, not that because I’m Asian too but his character and his gorgeous face, oh I’m in love <3

I haven’t started the Season 3 yet because it still has 3 episodes and a lot more to come so I’m planning to have a marathon again and again even if I’m just always by myself, watching, addicting.

I know I’m not the only one addicted to this series, everybody is. I know that’s for sure. Honestly saying, this was just introduced by my older brother, he also made my Dad watch too and now my Dad’s way more addicted than me :))

If you ain’t still watching this gift from the Gods of the awesome writers and directors, well then you’re missing the half meaning of life :>

Happy Mother's Day!

And yes it’s a late post, pardon.

The day before Mother’s day my Mom actually got confined at the hospital and i was with her at that time. We didn’t know something like that will happen so our surprise plan changed. On my way home, I bought this. We planned to surprise Mom at the hospital…

I told Dad that he’ll be the one to give it to Mommy. We’ll go at the room first then he’ll go next. When Dad came in the room, there were visitors. What made me happy is when my Mom really cried when she saw Dad with the bouquet of flowers (my Dad is not really the sweat pea lover type at all) and he also kissed and hugged my Mom. It was cute and funny for my Mom when she doesn’t want to remove the flowers from her bed, she just wants it beside her. That’s how much she loves us, that’s how she showed the appreciation. :>

Well the plan happened smoothly and I just want my Mom to be happy since she was over thinking and feeling worse at the hospital.

Even though my Mom’s at the hospital, it didn’t stop us to celebrate Mother’s day. I love you Mom oh so very much! One quite big happy family >:D< Happy Mother’s Day!!

Yes, Skins.

Since I said, I’m back to blogging and since I love writing whatever stuff is in my mind. This is what I’ve been into right now. There’s a particular reason why, a particular person, maybe.

You know, when a person likes something and you really like this person, you want to have something to talk about and so you would go out of your way and try new things to what that person really likes. To cut it short, I watched Skins because this person I really like loves to watch this season and so I did too. Even it’s so hard for me to really understand a British accent.

So far so good; I’m still at the second season and some of my friends who watch it too told me that the next seasons are much better. I can’t wait, I’m starting to like it, I guess. Since it’s all about the real messed up life, where I know I belong, I guess.

So much for drama, I would recommend this series for everybody. It’s something I know a teenager or even a young adult or even a couple would love to watch.

Tonight I finished watching My Sassy Girl because you mentioned it to me, because of you.

When you told me if I’ll be like the girl on that movie, yes and when i asked you if do you feel like the guy on that movie, you told me you don’t know.

But while I can’t stop my tears from crying because of it, I realized what you want. I realized what we were. You’re someone who understands me, you’re someone from the future.

I don’t want you pretend like I don’t like you, that I don’t want you now but I guess I’ll let fate decide. Fate brought you to me and I guess coincidence will.

I’ve been building, destroying and building my bridge of chance for you but you keep on crossing it back and forth. I guess I won’t go against what I feel now, If it’s possible this feelings won’t fade after fate decides that we should be together, I hope you made up your mind either.

That movie reminds me a lot of you. How good you were to me, how I think you know me even for a short time and how you treat me despite who I am or how I am to you.

I know real life couldn’t be something like a movie. I know something that I’m not sure what’s between us could someday be defined. But all I know now is that someday we’ll meet again and I hope we’re both going to be in the future together.

Tonight I just tortured myself raping the repeat button of your voice saying my name.

I miss you. So bad

It’s just weird to miss someone you never been with, not that much. But I long for you. I can still recall the first time we met and ir tears me up every time.

Every song that plays sounded so depressing. Every word, every tune, every beat.

I wonder when are you gonna pop up, make me extremely happy and then disappear again?

Now, I just wish the world could make a way for us to be closer together. The closest we could get to finally be together.