Summary: Giotto reincarnates as Iemitsu. Shenanigans ensue. (It’s as cracky as it sounds).
Warnings: Craziness, Highly Likely Won’t Make Any Sense, I Had A Lot Of Fun Writing This, Too Much Fun, I.W.P-chan Likes To Contribute To The Fandom’s Crack Corner, Little Snippets, Brief Fic, Features I.W.P-chan’s Headcanons About Enrico And Massimo And Federico (You Have Been Warned), The Penguins Postcard Makes An Appearance.
Disclaimer: Don’t own.
When Sawada Iemitsu was born in Namimori, Japan, a devastating hurricane struck Sicily, the island where Vongola’s HQ was situated.
No one would make the connection.
Timoteo di Vongola had come across Sawada Iemitsu, the last descendant of Vongola Primo, by sheer luck.
(Bad Luck, he would realize later).
He had offered Iemitsu a job in the Vongola; he was ambitious, and can anyone blame him? His eldest son was only ten years old (his middle child was seven and his youngest was five), and he didn’t want Primo’s descendant to threaten their future.
He had planned to use the opportunity to keep an eye on Iemitsu.
One simply can’t ‘keep an eye’ on Iemitsu.
“Where is Iemitsu?” Timoteo, exhausted, asked for what appeared to be the 5435th time that month.
He got his answer when five-year old Federico burst into his office, face flushed pink and eyes sparkling with excitement, and he babbled about wanting to learn how to dance on the ground and on the ice and in the air.
“Oh?” asked Timoteo when Federico took a breath after his uninterrupted onslaught of words, “And why is that?”
Federico beamed, “Mitsu showed me! He looked so cool! I wanna do that too! Can I? Can I?”
Timoteo should have probably had 'words’ with Iemitsu, but as he was confronted with Federico’s puppy eyes and pout, there was no way he could weasel out of Federico’s request.
“What is this?”
“Invitation to Iemitsu’s wedding, boss?”
“Iemitsu is going to get married?”
Fifteen-year old Enrico sniffled as he watched Iemitsu and Nana get married.
Had it already been a year since Iemitsu and Nana met? And in a classical coffee shop AU, too?
His OTP was getting married!
Nana leaned back on her hospital bed, sweaty and exhausted after she delivered her baby boy, lil Tsu-kun. She was handed her baby, she looked down at him and cooed at his sheer adorableness.
On the floor next to her bed lay Iemitsu, sobbing and wailing about how he 'saw a baby so beautiful he cried’.
Her husband dragged himself towards her bed, took a look at their baby boy and started another round of ugly sobs.
Her husband was so emotional and dramatic!
(One would think he was the one who carried the child and gave birth.)
Timoteo looked down at Iemitsu’s desk. It was a mess (Iemitsu was just as fond of paperwork as Timoteo, which meant not at all), and among that mess there was a postcard with a picture of Iemitsu, his wife and his two-year old son all beaming while being surrounded by penguins. Timoteo turned the postcard to read what was written on it.
’Celebrating my tuna-fishie’s first time saying PAPA!’
Timoteo’s eyebrow twitched. It was the third time this year alone (and it was still April!) that Iemitsu took an unannounced, extended, leave to 'spend time with the fam’.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How Reborn got suckered into tracking down a wayward Mafioso from the Vongola famiglia, he would never know.
And another thing, why was that goddamn Sawada Iemitsu not promoted by Nono yet when he was clearly able to evade Reborn? And not just that- he also had his very much civilian wife and two-year old son with him, while also sending postcards to Nono.
Reborn never knew misery and frustration until he was confronted with Sawada Iemitsu.
Iemitsu returned to his job a month later.
(In case anyone was wondering, Reborn had failed to track him down.)
Sometimes, people wished that Timoteo never introduced Iemitsu to the Vongola.
One of those people was Deamon Spade.
Iemitsu stared back.
The person before Deamon had a different hair style, different face, different body structure, but Deamon would recognize those eyes anywhere.
“Giotto.” Deamon took a step back, “I can explain?”
Deamon shuddered; he recognized that Smile.
(It was the same Smile his beloved Elena would aim at him before she would banish him to the couch for the foreseeable future.)
Timoteo and his guardians stared warily at the door Iemitsu disappeared into; it was quiet, too quiet. Any room that Iemitsu entered was never quiet.
When the screams and bangs and mad cackling came from behind the room’s closed door, they honest to god were relieved.
And then Iemitsu came out from the room.
He looked at them and smiled, “Don’t worry! It was just a cockroach.”
Just a cockroach.
Iemitsu turned contemplative; they shuddered a little, “Did someone order an ice sculpture of Deamon Spade? I just found one inside.”
The sculpture was unnervingly accurate in its depiction of Deamon Spade.
Why did it have what looked like yet another sculpture of Deamon Spade inside of it?
(And why was Deamon’s expression in the inner sculpture one of horror?)
Ganauche III looked around the office, “It appeared as if Deamon Spade himself was frozen inside the ice.”
Timoteo knocked back the drink in his hand, “Nonsense!”
When Iemitsu was given the position of Vongola’s Outside Adviser, the entire criminal underground sagged in relief.
Now, there was no way Iemitsu could become Don Vongola. He was bad enough as it was, there was no need to crown him the literal king of the mafia.
(No one would survive.)
Reborn personally gathered the Arcobaleno to celebrate.
(The aftermath of their party would become a thing of legend.)
Xanxus clenched his fist, an old man snatched him because of some flames he could make and declared Xanxus to be his son.
And here he was.
In front of him were his 'family’ members: his 'father’; his 'brother’ Enrico, who was engrossed in whatever he was looking at on the device in his hand (and only looked up long enough to take a look at Xanxus and then wave to him when his father introduced them to each other); his second 'brother’ Massimo who nodded calmly at Xanxus; and his third 'brother’ Federico who waved enthusiastically and beamed at Xanxus.
A door banged open and a blond burst into the room; he looked around and his eyes landed on Xanxus.
Xanxus had the sudden urge to flee and never look back.
The blond pounced on him.
“Oh my GOD! You are just so cute!” The blond mystery man giggled, “I hereby declare you as my son! Let me take you to meet your little brother!”
“Mitsu!” Federico whined, “Wait until after he gets acquainted with his big brothers before you take him to tuna!”
'Mitsu’ appeared to think about it, “Okay… Enrico!”
“What?” Enrico grumbled, eyes still glued to what he had in his hand.
“Put down that hardcore OT4 BDSM smut you’re reading and take Xanxus to the shooting range for some sibling-bonding time!”
Xanxus briefly wondered what 'hardcore OT4 BDSM smut’ was and why it made his 'father’, Massimo and Federico blanch. Mitsu didn’t seem to care, and it couldn’t have been that bad as Enrico was blank-faced as he read it throughout the entire introduction.
But, did someone mention a shooting range?
Enrico beckoned Xanxus, “Follow me.”
Xanxus first impression about his new family was that Enrico was awesome, Iemitsu was crazy, and Timoteo, Massimo and Federico were all sissies.
End (part 1?)
I was sorely tempted to add 'A/B/O’ to the 'hardcore OT4 BDSM smut’