Joel: We of the Satellite of Love take this time to salute some of the unsung heroes of today’s film: Crow & Servo: The reporters of Rocketship X-M! Joel: They are the unsung heroes that huddle in back rooms, nameless like so many cattle. Um, They are… slightly out of focus and, uh, we hold forth that they should not be forgot. Servo: They are the journalists. The plucky personnel of the press corps, whose mighty pens and pencils dutifully record whatever drivel they are fed. Proud and passionate, nonplussed by the elegant beauty of the Unites States Space Program. Crow: And so, we present to you the Journalists of Rocketship X-M. Uhh, roll them slides, Cambot!
Joel: Meet correspondent Donald Bunsen, science editor for the Ellenmeyer Flash. His scathing seven-part series on stopcocks almost won him the 1953 Pulitzer Prize!
Servo: The famous twin reporting team of Dirk and Kirk Burger, who cover both sides of a story; Dirk up front and Kirk always from behind. Their style is like an Oreo cookie: hard-biting reporters on the outside, a creamy story in between.
Crow: On the left, Hugh Beaumont’s brother, Spike, hairstyle editor for Today’s Rugged Man. The boys in the city room say Spike can sniff out an ounce of Pomade from inside a locked closet. Notice Spike has donned his flying-wing lapel suit in preparation for today’s plum assignment: the trend-setting hair-helmet of Lloyd Bridges!
Joel: Appearing over Spike’s left should is foreign affairs correspondent for Digest Digest, Peter K. Wimple. Mild-mannered and meek to a fault, Wimple’s motto is, ‘When will it be my turn now?”
Servo: Ladies’ Home Foundation Garments is well-represented by cub reporter Robert Bland. Here we see him gathering information for his upcoming piece on zero-gravity girdles. Don’t let that flint-hard exterior fool you! He’s wearing a Warner bra, trimmed with delicate peek-a-boo lace!
Crow: Leering in from the back is chief editor of White Male Perspective, Wilhelm Studman, visibly upset with the intrusion of a mere girl into a man’s world. Studman keeps his distance because Chanel No. 5 gives him hives. The boys in the press corps have nicknamed him ‘The Gollum.’
Joel: Add there’s so many more! There’s Billy and Frank, and Judy! Servo: Fast-talking Fanny and Automatic Slim! Crow: There’s Roy and Scoop and Coaltythe… Joel: Allman, Mr. Peepers, and the Leech!
Servo: And this guy! He’s a woozle. His name is Peanut.
Joel: These are the men and women of the Press Corps, who will do anything for a story. Crow: Unless they’re told to withhold information! Joel & Servo: We salute the press corps of Rocketship X-M! Servo: Excelsior!
We are dumbstruck by one of the great host segments of all time. What value could we possibly add to this with our commentary? Instead please enjoy this accurate transcript.
We note the peculiar early-season quality of this host segment’s content. In later seasons, these jokes might well be used in the theater, and this segment would be completely different. This “we couldn’t quite make this joke work in the theater” quality appears again in other host segments throughout Season 2.
Lost in transcription: Joel’s amazing awkwardness and apparent discomfort, noticeably greater than usual, lends an excellent “My First Oral Report, Fourth Grade” quality to the whole segment. Crow makes himself laugh with the ‘Chanel No. 5′ line, and again with his line at the end of the sketch.