Edit: Addition of the
Posters, slightly different from the original with the full drawing.
I tried to instill a bit more life with movement and natural elements such as the wind and snow. Something I use to do and maybe also because some of my The X-Files’s favorites episodes are with the snow. I unconsciously want to find this again in season 11. ^^
Ready more than ever for #TheXFiles S11 from Août to the airing.
I’ve spent my entire life as an atheist who nonetheless dedicates quite a lot of time and effort towards finding the God I don’t believe exists (unless we are allowed to abstract God to the point that anything could be God, the universe is god, the ability of our cells to divide is god, the love I feel for a grandmother I never met is god, and while that level of abstraction is truly the only God I think I could believe in, it also seems like a cop out to be like God is a vague hand gesture and a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , especially if there’s no action, no practice to go with it)
But I clearly very much want faith, want belief, want a connection to something impossibly bigger than me, in a way that secularity alone has not yet offered me. But I also, once again, do not believe in god, have never believed in god, cannot frankly imagine how people do believe in god (or gods! or any belief system! There’s literally so many belief systems, sometimes I worry that Judaism and Catholicism resonate with me so much not because of what they are but because I was like “okay this multiple choice test has too many answers, I Gotta eliminate some") (but that doesn’t really seem true) (but it does seem kinda true)
In the midst of trying to find God in books, I tried finding him in nature, and I did find awe, I did find sublimity and smallness and grandness, but I didn’t find what I thought God would feel like. I realize I thought it would feel like love at first sight. And I think a lot lately about how I don’t like anyone right away. I meet them, I spend time with them, and then one day we are friends trying to remember how we became friends. So maybe it’s a lot to expect a relationship with God to function differently from my relationship with everyone else. But on the other hand, with my other relationships I know the other person exists. Which tends to help a conversation along.
That’s why orthopraxy, right actions, appeals to me far more than orthodoxy, right thought. I might never think the right thing, but making ritual out of routine, having the places in your day where God must go and you are reminded of that, that’s something I could practice, both in the sense of doing and the sense of improving through deliberate repetition. And I like the idea of making everyday labor holy. You keep kosher and lunch becomes sacred. You cover your head and your wardrobe becomes an altar.
When I think about religion lately, two quotes come to mind. First, the apocryphal St. Francis quote: “Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary use words.” And Mark Watney from The Martian, writing to tell his parents, “I’m dying for something big and beautiful and greater than me. Tell them I said I can live with that.” So maybe what I’m thinking about isn’t God at all but purpose, the thing I do each day that I would be okay dying for and that makes me want to live so I can do the work of it longer. Let’s cop out and abstract God: purpose is God. Can I build myself a God? Is that what religion is? Do you build a public God together and a private God alone, and are they the same? If I believe in a God I know I constructed, is that really faith? Or is that what faith has always been? Believing anyway? Untangling what’s the difference between creation and discovery? I don’t know. I’ve been asking questions a lot lately and always. Call it prayer.