wtf is he doing with that card..

harry potter books rated by hinny
  • SORCERER'S/PHILOSOPHER'S STONE: ginny became the ultimate harry fangirl in .2 seconds. 8/10.
  • CHAMBER OF SECRETS: harry literally saved her life and also described her face as glowing like the setting sun what kind of poetic shit. 12/10.
  • PRISONER OF AZKABAN: the ridiculous "making eye contact and trying not to laugh when people do weird things" that they do started what kind of soul mate bullshit. ginny made him a goddamn singing get well card when will your otp. 9/10.
  • GOBLET OF FIRE: ginny started relaxing around harry and we all cried. had the opportunity to ditch neville and go with harry instead but like the Perfect Bean she is, kept her promise wtf harry marry her. 9/10.
  • ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: told off harry effin' potter like it was her JOB lbr he was attracted to it. ginny came up with the name dumbledore's army and also was never weird about harry and cho what a respectful. harry was totes in love with her but didn't know it yet. 8/10.
  • HALF BLOOD PRINCE: harry spends most of the book being an idiot and pining and we all cry. SEVERAL SUNLIT DAYS!!!!! WHAT KIND OF!!!!! GINNY JOKING ABOUT HARRY HAVING A TATTOO ON HER CHEST HAS SHE SEEN HIM SHIRTLESS TO CONFIRM?? TATTOO THIS CHAPTER ON MY CHEST!!!! they break up because they're both noble and stupid i'm gonna cry 50/10.
  • DEATHLY HALLOWS: making out in ginny's bedroom aka me sobbing. harry checking the marauder's map to make sure she's okay, hoping she can sense his gaze jesus CHRIST HARRY LITERALLY ALMOST DITCHING HIS ATTEMPTS TO KILL VOLDEMORT BECAUSE BELLATRIX TRIED TO KILL GINNY CHILL PLS!! they get married and ginny loves harry so much she allows him to make questionable name choices we all cry!!!!! 5745938467983476/10.

So I have this sixty two year old coworker named Lucille, who’s a total sweetheart and super edgy (she even uses emojis correctly guys!). Well today the topic of Seb came up during our break and she wanted to see a pic of him. So I’m like “lol k.” I show her a random pic of him and she turns to me and says:

“He’s into some kinky shit.”

And I’m like How-Do-You-Know-That.mp3 like wtf Lucille you legit have no idea who he is.

“Look at his eyes! His body language. The way he carries himself. He plays the sweetheart card but he’s an animal in bed. I’ve seen that before many times.”

So there ya have it y'all. According to Lucille, Seb is riding the kink train to Daddyville™.

anonymous asked:

Reasons to love Ishida

Eff Know-It-Alls

Ok friends hello. I work at a sorta small town rec center (slowly being taken over by the 42 hrs being built like on every street corner but whatevs). I am basically a receptionist, and I take payment/answer the phones/ sell passes, etc. This guy comes up to my desk, and I know he’s a regular. He demands to have his pass refunded. He bought a six month pass. I ask how long he’d been using it. “Like 4 months.” Wtf why didn’t you come to us before if you had a problem. Well I explain to him that only the big boss facility manager can refund passes. And of course, they don’t work weekends which is always when I’m scheduled. So I just refer him to their card. It’s not good enough for him and he goes on a rant about how he’s a regular and I should be able to do something. I CAN’T. I just sell passes, my job is to take the money, I can’t refund it. Eventually I ask him what the issue is. He says that he’d been looking on our website and he thinks he’s being cheated. He said its better for him to pay the like $7 daily fee rather than the $~250 for the six month pass. Well the passes are designed to be cost efficient for people coming most of the week. He’d been coming 5 days a week. It isn’t hard to do the math! He’d save over/almost $500 with the pass! And he wanted to pay the $7 a day which is over $800 if he’s coming 5 days a week! I swear, my job is to make this a painless process. I /want/ to help you save money! I calmly tried to explain this to him but he was hell bent on mansplaining it to me. Ugh. Stupid people. He insisted on mapping it out for me (in the wrong way) that it was cheaper if he just laid the daily fee. No, dude. You know nothing of the force.

TL;DR: idiot regular comes to the gym, decides to *explain* to me how our passes work despite my 2 years working there.

Me, playing Widowmaker as I do: Gold damage, elims, and objective kills until the end. 

Dude on my team: I fucking carried, do I have to get all the kills myself? 

Me: Actually, I had all golds until the last second! (I ended up with two silvers and a gold).

And this man… He fucking loses it. He says I’m a lying bitch, that he has screenshots (wtf?) that I did jack dot shit, and then the cards roll around.

Guess who’s listed for crits and scoped accuracy? (The other team, who’s been watching this conversation in the chat, fucking loses it.) 

But the story doesn’t end there, oh no. The next round, he goes Widowmaker. (To show me up I guess?) I go Hanzo. I cap the first point (getting three kills to clear the remainder of the enemy team out). Golds. 

“You’re a terrible Hanzo!” 

I switch to tracer. Still in spawn. “Your tracer sucks ass!” 

We lose the last point, where I had switched to Mei to stall. “GREAT LOSING THE GAME FOR US MEI.” 

And… none of this bothered me at all, but I am fucking fascinated by this gamer boy culture. Apparently I offended him by… doing well? This isn’t even the first time this has happened. 

ALSO, can we talk about all the fucking sexism that goes on in the community? Fuck that, honestly. It’s so gross. 

Y’know what. I’m. I’m gunna make a blog for girls (trans inclusive ofc) who play Overwatch so we can get together and fucking destroy together. Anyone interested? 

there was a family party for my cousin’s seventh birthday right

- Due to a mix up, he ended up with two birthday cakes (and ice cream cake and monkey brains), and he was not happy about that.

- “Mom, I said I didn’t want any cake!”

- “Zack, seriously, what kind of kid doesn’t like cake?”

- *dramatic, long-suffering sigh worthy of an old man* “I don’t like cake and I don’t like pizza, can you please just let me live my life?!”

- My grandmom was way too offended that he can’t read cursive yet

- There was apparently some group consensus we weren’t let in on to give him at least 20 bucks per card???? This kid ended up with like $90????

- Like wtf on my birthday I got a hug from my mom and my grandmother had to be guilt tripped into going out to dinner with me. What is a 7 year old gonna do with that money

- The decorations told me it was Avenger’s themed but the presents told me it was Pokémon themed. I have never seen so many Pikachus in my life

- Jenna deadass almost puked all over the party but lied thru her teeth so she could go to a sleepover lmao

- My aunt Kathy was introduced to snapchat…Honestly I’m terrified for what the future holds now

- Someone was saying something about driving past their old favorite park from when they were a kid and my grandmom said “Oh is that the place where you killed that puppy???” AND I RECIEVED NO FOLLOW UP CONTEXT

- My cousin’s husband who had intensive emergency back surgery like last week was there drinking beer??? As if he wasn’t still on a shitload of strong pain meds???? Vince pull it together

- Kathy tried so hard to cut the ice cream cake well…Her hand and a bright white table cloth were lost in her efforts.

- I remembered the name of a book I was obsessed with when I was six and almost started hyperventilating bc I’ve been trying to remember for years

- Omfg so apparently a couple years ago when my aunt/cousins went to Disney they lost my cousins favorite stuffed elephant right. Like they just couldn’t find it in the hotel room and they literally searched the building and called every worker they could, this elephant was gone. The kid was beside himself with heartbreak for at least a year right

- So finally his parents had the idea to see if they could find a similar one on E-Bay, and they did…being sold from Orlando, Florida. And they bought it…And it was DEADASS the same elephant. My cousin’s name was still written on the tag omfg. Like. I’m sorry I’m still laughing at this

- There was a debate about different beers and my cousin said one of them tasted like “wet hot monkey ass”. Everyone grew very concerned as to why she was familiar with that taste.

- THE ASSHOLE WHO LIVES IN THE CEMETERY ACROSS THE STREET SET HIS GIANT ASS DRONE ON THE HOUSE A G A I N

- Pikachu almost accidentally got set aflame when the kid tried to blow the candles out

- I made a joke and discovered my 15 year old cousin lost his virginity. Am traumatized.

- “I could totally fucking punch Harry Potter in his bitch ass face”

- There was literally snow on the ground and yet all the children thought it was a good idea to take their shoes and socks off and run outside to play on the trampoline

- My mom started crying because she remembered the book series Lyle Lyle Crocodile

- A silence fell over the room when I mentioned they released stills from the new Mary Poppins movie before everyone rushed to their phones to see for themselves

- A very aggressive debate about Kevin Spacey movies broke out; Two couples almost divorced over it

- 12 year old Nolan, who is the shiest, sweetest boy I’ve ever encountered, almost got arrested because his friend tried to fight him bc they apparently like the same girl omfg

- His mother was cracking up omg

- The monkey brains were dropped on the floor at one point and people wept

- ‘Hey, the birthday boy blew out his candles a few minutes ago. This must be the perfect time to gossip about our cousin with brain cancer’

- Had to drag my mom out of there because I didn’t want to miss the last episode of When We Rise. The drone followed us in the car for a few minutes. I’m gonna kill that guy.

I have this headcanon that in order to help her focus on staying in the present, as well as relax, Mercy teaches Tracer how to do embroidery. She had no idea of course that Tracer would take to it so well, or that they’d all end up with hand embroidered Christmas cards at the Overwatch holiday party that year. (And the next year. And every year and special occasion until Overwatch is disbanded.)

Winston loves his. He frames them every year and hangs them up in his lab and occasionally in random hallways throughout the Watchpoint. Torbjorn and Reinhardt go full-grandpa and start showing theirs off to everyone else, proudly raving about young miss Oxton’s talent while Angela just beams with pride and declares that the student has surpassed the master.

Reyes and McCree exchange ‘wtf are we supposed to do with these?’ looks, until Captain Amari, perpetual Team Mom, clears her throat and gives them both VERY pointed looks, and they both grumble the most convincing 'thank you’s they can manage.

Genji is for once thankful for the bandages and cybernetics obscuring most of his face. He runs the fingers that are still made of flesh gently over the threads of cherry blossoms and distant mountains. “Did I get the kanji right?” Lena asks, smiling hopefully at him. “I’m still not great at lettering and with kanji if you get some bits a little crooked you can end up with a totally different letter, so I’m scared I accidentally embroidered the wrong word and it translates to something naughty!”

Everyone else laughs but Genji just smiles softly at thread Hanamura and manages a choked, “It’s perfect, Lena. Thank you.”

Finally there’s Jack, who hasn’t said anything. “Do you like it, sir?” Lena asks him, pride and optimism masking the hope of approval.

Jack clears his throat. “You didn’t have to, Cadet Oxton.” Lena takes that as a thank you, and Jack goes home that night and magnets his embroidered card to the damn refrigerator like a parent with their kid’s macaroni drawing until he can get it professionally framed. And no one need ever know that Jack Morrison frames and hangs every damn scrap of embroidered anything that Lena Oxton ever gives him.

#submission

So both my step-sister and I worked at the same smoothie place (we’re the same age, same grade, etc.) Our jobs consisted of taking orders, making drinks, washing dishes, etc. Luckily for us, our owners were super cool, always checking up on our safety, installing cameras, etc. So one day, one of our female coworkers was at the register taking a man’s order. As she was writing his order on the cup, she happened to notice that his zipper was down and his private parts were completely exposed. She had noted that he just came from the restroom prior to taking his order, so she thought maybe there was a serious mistake. She texted our group chat and we all laughed it off. Literally a night later, he comes in again. This time, it’s my step-sister and one of the owners working. Now let’s just set the scene. it’s almost closing time, completely dark outside, and there’s two, mainly defenseless women working in a big establishment by themselves with little to no protection (one of whom is pregnant, by the way.) So my step-sister takes his order, and notices the same thing. He is completely exposed. Obviously this is super uncomfortable for her, so she tries to rush the process. Well, of course, for “some reason,” his credit card declines. So she has to try multiple times to get it to go through, meaning that forces her to make contact with him even longer. It finally goes through, and my sister, now super creeped out, quietly lets our manager know. She quickly makes his drink and he leaves. Obviously this guy is doing this on purpose, so my manager immediately calls the police. She then goes back to watch the camera feed, and notices that the man takes out his phone, and records my sister’s reaction. WTF. Literally the creepiest thing ever. The police did respond right away, and they filed a report and ended up arresting him. However, he definitely did not receive enough time for for what he did. The craziest thing is a customer overheard a conversation about what happened afterward, and claim that the SAME guy did the SAME thing where she works. Apparently the police had been trying to catch him forever. Dumbass used his personal credit card though, so his name and information was in our system. He has been dubbed at the workplace as “flasher guy,” and we are all able to laugh it off now, cause luckily no one was hurt. But seriously, wtf is wrong with people. 

rosecityriveters  asked:

You should gif Neymar attacking Barragan last season. Or pushing Ruben vezo down the stairs. Because they culés are bound to love that

there’s also him head-butting murillo after kicking a ball into armero’s back after the final whistle of brazil vs colombia, copa américa 2015………. 

he actually did get a red card for that one tho.  

Please fire me. I had a customer tell me that his deceased wife’s bill should have been paid off by God when she died. My response? “I apologize sir but we do not receive payments from God.” He did not believe me.

PLL 7X16

-SPENCER GURL WHY DID YOU USE THE CARD

- HERE WE GO AGAIN, FUCKING LEAVE 6B IN 6B DO NOT BRING IT INTO MY BABIES HAPPINESS, THERE SO CUTE, MY HEART OWWWWWWW 

- blah blah blah book, book, nicole i dont care

- my babies investigating together 

- as much as i dont like marco he is the only cop who has done something in this town

- LUCAS MOTHERFUCKER 

-LOL EMILY SNAPPING 

-hannas always with caleb , god bless, love how they finish each others sentences 

- LEAVE 6B IN 6B FFS

- “hanna and i” 

- MONA MONA MONA, OMFG PROTECT HER, WHY CANT THEY JUST LOVE HER

- wtf aria you pyscho

- hanna and caleb searching together, goals HAHAHHAHAHAHAH HANNA AND HER ONE LINERS 

- lolbyeihatemarco

-awies emison, your so cute “i love you” wow omg and kiss DEAD 

-jesus christ aria what are you doing 

Coworkers can suck too.

So I work at a retail store and we get phone calls regularly from costumers with questions. One time I was at the register checking out a line of people, and I only had one other worker in the store with me. The phone rang and he never answered it so I had to. The guy was interested in one of our mini motor bikes. He had a bunch of questions that I couldn’t answer without looking it up and I had so many people in line that I asked to put him on hold. I then paged my coworker 3 times to answer line 1. About 10 minutes later I look at the phone and it still shows that he is on hold. I ask him if he had been helped yet and he angrily says no. So I apologize about that and try to help him out now that the store was empty. He wants to pay for the bike over the phone with his credit card. Our store policy doesn’t allow us to do that so I tried to explain that to him. He then asked if I could put the bike on hold for him. Again our store policy is a 24 hour holding. After I told him that he got angry and said he was in another state. (Like wtf) he wanted the bike to be held for 3 months. I told him again that I wasn’t allowed to do that and he got super pissy and angry. He then started yelling at me and said how shitty of a policy that was. I got sick of it and just told him I’d put my coworker on the phone and see what they could figure out. Long story short my coworker broke store policy put the bike on hold for 3 months, hid the bike in the back and made me look like a total asshole for sticking to store policy.

so you guys remember in ‘the crackpots and these women’ when josh gets that card that tells him where to go and what to do if the world blows up

and he’s understandably uncomfortable with that idea

but then he finds out that no one else got them bc if the world blows up the president might need his cos and his dcos but he probably won’t need speechwriters or a press secretary or assistants

and josh’s uncomfortableness level goes from ‘somewhat’ to ‘hella’ and he gives the card back


well didja ever think about when that happens during the santos administration?

bc like josh is the cos now and sam is the dcos so sam gets the card this time and he’s like ‘………UH???’

and he goes to josh like ‘is this for real wtf am i supposed to do with this’

so josh tells him that yeah he got one of those and he tells him what he did with it back in the day so sam is like ‘ok sounds good to me’ and he tries to give his back

but josh won’t let him

and sam’s like ‘??????’

so josh tells him that if the world blows up the president will probably really need his cos so josh giving his card back isn’t really an option this time

and that means sam can’t give his back either

bc if the world blows up

sam had damned well better be there with him

BTS reaction to breaking their GF’s expensive makeup

hoolllyyy shit man if someone broke my Too Faced pallet their ass would be grass i dont care if it was my sweet bean Kim Yugyeom himself he would get an ass WHOOPIN THAT SHIT IS $50 DUDE and dont get me started on my Jeffree Starr Gemini lipstick i would d i e if i broke it I’m tearing up just thinking about it~Admin Hedgehog 


Jin/Seokjin: momma would know how expensive ur makeup is and immediately PANIC when he accidentally knocked over your highlighter pallet over while cleaning, and would run to the nearest makeup store to ‘spoil you’ buying you a brand new kit so that you wouldn’t notice. you did, but you got a new pallet out of it, so who cares lol

Suga/Yoongi: dis boi would not care until he realized u were hella mad at him and were giving him the silent treatment, that he realized he fucked up and he called Seokjin to ask wtf should he do?? Jin would smack that ass into shape and Yoongi would go to Sephora and just toss his card on the counter like “Im in trouble with my gf please give her the nicest stuff you have” and just bring u a bag of expensive makeup and ur like…boi u just had to apologize and buy me a sandwich but okay this works and he’s like bitch how was i supposed to know

J-Hope/Hoseok: He broke it when u left it at the dorm by accident and he was trying to use it bc you always looked really good when u did it but somehow it turned out very much not like how you do your makeup and Jungkook tattled on him by texting u a photo and u were mad but like the picture of hobi wearing ur makeup made up for it 100%

Rap Monster/ Namjoon: You should be used to this by now??? bitch do u really think u can go thru this relationship w/o him breaking any of ur makeup?? hell no dude he broke it and he didn’t realize how expensive it was until u told him, then a l l the blood drained out out of his face, and collectively his wallet.

V/Taehyung: Tae just accidentally dropped it when u were moving stuff around and he hardcore panicked bc u never went anywhere without that pressed powder and not its broken to hell so he actually does the smartest thing and looks online how to fix it and successfully fixes it with a youtube tutorial and you were never any the wiser to the tragedy that had occurred to your baby and taehyung lived to see another day

Jimin: smol bun is almost in tears when he broke your favorite eyeshadow pallet and he came to you with it in pieces and tried to sweep it all up and put it back in the little bins, but it all got muddled together and he low key flipped out bc he knew how much you loved it but when u came back he was like sobbing into ur hug like I’m soOO0 SORRY I BROKE IT JAGI PLEASE DONT BE MAD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT and ur like ????? and it turns out that the packaging for an old pallet you had that ur aunt gave u and u hated and the packaging for ur fav pallet were practically identical so Jimin cried for nothing and he’s never felt so relieved you had to hold him for like an hour bc all the feeling had left his legs poor baby

Jungkook: baby has 0 idea how expensive makeup is like he wears the bare minimum amount for shows and stages but like its all over his head if he had to do his own makeup for shows he’d be dead so please take pity on this poor boy he’s so confused as to why ur mad at him he didn’t mean to drop ur makeup bag but he gives u a replacement pallet for ur birthday and ur not really mad at him anymore but it was a sweet gesture and u give him kisses for that and he makes the decision to buy u makeup more often if this is how u thank him

heres a story from NC Comicon that i forgot to share

so i got to talk to Sanford Greene who did a variant cover for Doom Patrol #1, i stopped by his table to have him sign my copy…and somehow he ended up telling me the story about the time he met Gerard for the first time, 2 years ago at a dinner hosted by DC Comics. he had no idea who Gerard was lol Gerard came up to him and introduced himself but Sanford thought he was just ‘this kid who was trying to break into comics’ lol so when Gerard was like ‘id love to work with you one day’ Sanford was like ‘oh yeah sure’ more or less thinking *who tf is this guy?* but also *ah hes trying so hard to network bless him im gonna be nice to him* lol so they exchanged business cards and then Gerard followed him on twitter so Sanford was like *im gonna follow him back to be polite* and then Sanford went on Gerard’s twitter and was like WTF!!!!???? realizing Gerard was kind of a big deal. and then they met again at Emerald City Comic Con, where the Young Animal imprint was announced and Sanford was like HOLY SHIT THIS GUY HAS HIS OWN IMPRINT AT DC?! THIS GUY IS WRITING DOOM PATROL?! and Gerard asked him if he was interested in doing a variant cover for Doom Patrol and Sanford was kind of embarrassed by the fact that he had no idea who Gerard was when he mentioned working together the first time…

and Sanford proceeded to tell me (basically what i already knew but its always nice to hear it from someone who is actually working with Gerard) that Gerard is the most humble person hes ever met, especially considering the fact that he IS a big deal, both in the music industry and in comics (proud mom mode *on*) but he just came up to him, not expecting that Sanford knew of him, not dropping names or mentioning MCR, or mentioning The Umbrella Academy, his Eisner…nothing! 

i wish i could tell you this the way Sanford told me bc i honestly just stood there with the biggest smile on my face while Sanford was telling this story all with impersonating Gerard, and calling him ‘this kid’ who ‘lets be honest, always looks kinda like he just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever he could find on the floor’ lmao and then i told him that the first time i met Gerard i was a super hardcore MCR fan and i had this ‘idea’ about Gerard being this rockstar but then when i met him he was just this normal dude and he made it so easy to talk to him and yeah…just, no attitude, no pretentiousness, nothing. just genuine kindness and appreciation for the person he is talking to, whether its a fan, a fellow professional, etc. i just told Sanford ‘dude, thank you for sharing this, i mean, i already knew he was a sweet dude but hearing these kind of stories always make me even prouder to be a fan’ and Sanford said ‘yeah you absolutely should be, hes one of the nicest people ive ever met’ and i walked away clutching my heart bc THE FEELS

just wanted to share this since today is one of those ‘Gerard stories’ days :)

anonymous asked:

HC the pratt pack on a road trip pls

  • Quill has never driven a car, Faraday has never been in a car, and Andy is just the absolute worst driver, leaving Owen to take the wheel 
  • Andy and Quill are in a constant battle over who has control over the music aka either they’re listening to Mouse Rat or Awesome Mix 
  • Also Quill can’t figure out where his cassette tape is supposed to go???
  • Faraday is drinking heavily and flipping a shit because wtf is going on, how did he get here, where is his horse, is this all a dream 
  • He also keeps getting motion sickness because he has never been in a car before so drinking probably isn’t the smartest idea but lol yolo
  • Owen is the power-hungry dad friend who keeps threatening to kick them all out of the car and mutters under his breath about how this was a big mistake 
  • Faraday gets drunk and starts doing card tricks. Andy is captivated. Quill is unimpressed. Owen wants him to stop shoving cards in his face while he’s trying to drive
  • Going around sharing stories about various sexual encounters with different women 
  • Owen and Andy taking it upon themselves to help Faraday and Quill get caught up with the modern world, except Andy is shit at explaining things, and Owen likes to give them information that isn’t 100% true 
  • Quill and Faraday compare each other’s guns (as in weapons not fab af arms) and Andy throws a fit because nobody will let him hold one 
  • Faraday ends up accidentally setting off Quill’s blaster and they nearly veer off the road and Owen has to pull over and just take a lap so he doesn’t murder anyone 
  • Everyone is so smashed in because they’re all big guys who refuse to adjust their seats to accommodate the others 
  • By the way, the blast hit the radio so no more music for them, but that’s okay because Andy takes it upon himself to start singing, Quill joins in, Faraday wants to join but doesn’t know a single song, and Owen acts as the DJ and requests songs 
  • They’re all too cheap/lazy to rent a hotel room, so when they need to sleep, they just park the car in a ditch and pass out and the next morning one of them wakes up to see a deer looking in the car and it scares the shit out of him which, in turn, scares the shit out of the others, and now there’s a car full of screaming men because of a deer 
  • They all make a vow to never speak of that again 
TFLN Sentence Starters (Part 5)
  • [TEXT] YOU CAN’T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
  • [TEXT] I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky.
  • [TEXT] I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
  • [TEXT] So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
  • [TEXT] of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
  • [TEXT] She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
  • [TEXT] so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
  • [TEXT] he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
  • [TEXT] Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
  • [TEXT] Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
  • [TEXT] Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
  • [TEXT] made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
  • [TEXT] you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
  • [TEXT] I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
  • [TEXT] if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
  • [TEXT] No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
  • [TEXT] this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
  • [TEXT] Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
  • [TEXT] she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
  • [TEXT] I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
  • [TEXT] Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
  • [TEXT] I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
  • [TEXT] If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
  • [TEXT] The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
  • [TEXT] You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
  • [TEXT] The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
  • [TEXT] Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
  • [TEXT] I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
  • [TEXT] I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
  • [TEXT] they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
  • [TEXT] Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
  • [TEXT] you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. One after the other. Spelled differently,
  • [TEXT] So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
  • [TEXT] we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
  • [TEXT] Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
  • [TEXT] I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
  • [TEXT] Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
  • [TEXT] Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult
  • [TEXT] Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
  • [TEXT] I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.

caninesmingyu  asked:

how would the members ( + v) dance when they're at a club ? (zen dances like a white dad even though he probabbly knows how to dance)

(a/n i know this says dance but i expanded it to just them being drunk at the club and i included dancing because its funny lolol pps i got invited to a party as i was writing this so)

Yoosung

  • initially he comes to pick you up from the club because he’s intimidated by the people at clubs because ‘they’re cool(they’re really not)
  • hes really scared walking in
  • but he’ll wants to make sure you’re home safe so he conquers his fear (ง'̀-‘́)ง
  • he sees people chanting for you to down a drink and he meets ur gaze and its just like yoosung h e l p
  • so he comes over and chugs the drink down and wow i saved her!!
  • buuuut he’s a lightweight so he starts giggling
  • a lot
  • he loves ‘sex on the beach’ 
  • its FRUITY i should take it to class it’s one of my 5 a day
  • no yoosung its really not
  • but i taste oranges and and 
  • :(
  • a hyper white man on the dance floor 
  • does the boogie and failed moonwalks and wow look at mee mc loook!!
  • he thinks he’s really good oh my poor child
  • he’s so addicted to LOLOL that he probably runs around screaming at one point because i am a drAGON WARRIOR
  • ends up being SUPER paranoid 
  • when you sober up you try find him but where tf is he where has he gone omg he’s lost call the cops
  • security finds him hiding under a truck what the hell
  • apparently he heard sirens and he thought they were after him??? 
  • THEY’RE COMING FOR ME HELP
  • …why would they be-
  • MC..I AM THE WARRIOR THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR 
  • probably passes out in the car
  • cries the next morning because what is a hangover???
  • why am i dying call 999 i’d like a red coffin please tell my mum i love her

Zen

  • he’s planned this night out for weeks but he’s paranoid ur going to die or something??
  • remember if someone offers you a dri-
  • i know say i have a muscular bf that will beat u up blah blah lets gO
  • thats my mc
  • you enter the club and he literally pulls out a flask of his pants and ur just like ????
  • listen, drinks are expensive and i’m not spending that much on strong flavoured water 
  • true & me too
  • at first he’s super cool as he hangs out with his old biker friends in the smoking area and you nope outta there
  • but when he sees that you’re drunk he literally jets back into the club and drinks with you
  • drunk zen oh god oh boy
  • he’s either bussing out boy band moves or either jumping up and down like a freak theres NO inbetween
  • either way you run away
  • he definitely acts cute/flirty to get free drinks that girls buy him and ur hella pissed off at him
  • but you hear him rambling to the girls about how much he likes you and quickly takes his drinks and shares them with you
  • winks @ u because this mf knows how to get free drinks how sly
  • u scared the undying shit out of me you drunk cunt don’t flirt again :((
  • he somehow ends up talking to his vodka glass when you leave him to dance
  • and he’s reciting his lines and acting dramatically - its a full on performance 
  • wow…i have a v attentive audience thank you guys I appreciate it
  • oh he’s also the drunk person who takes 100 snapchats and everyone hates him cos of it i know i would
  • when he wakes up the next morning you find him watching a youtube video of his drunk self last night and he just groans smacking his forehead
  • my manager is going to kill me
  • pout

Jumin

  • he’s still in his suit so he looks very out of place
  • LOWKEY EXCITED 
  • ah- this is a commoner club 
  • dissapointed when he sees sweaty teens just grinding on each other
  • oh christ thats a lot of leg
  • whines A LOT
  • i thought it would be empty mc..
  • jumin - its a club why would it be EMPTY you dumbass
  • literally jets to the vip section where there’s less people and relaxes for a bit
  • but he ends up sipping a little too much wine
  • tries vodka in his tipsy state and he looks like a baby who’s tried a lemon 
  • oh god o non nonon o non why DO PEOPLE DRINK THIS noNOo 
  • … actually give me 7
  • he’s so out of it now
  • doesn’t dance he just bobs his head really out of time to the music 
  • talks to everyone and everything (yes he talks to objectsabout cat wine
  • and *hic* you know cat wine *hic* will make a profit *hic* of 3 million *hic* kitten pounds *hic*
  • wtf is kitten pounds oh god what are u planning
  • leaves his card in the normal club area and everyone uses his card to buy drinks
  • um sir.. ur bill is £9867.37…
  • lol *hic* i want another water drink please 
  • you drag him out because he’s a mess gET OUT TRUST FUND KID
  • no no no i have more clients to talk to i’m doing business
  • you were talking to a chair before i dragged you out movE IT
  • in the morning you show a video of jumin hiccuping and rambling and he just straightens out his suit and walks away in shame
  • whispers to himself…what have i become

Jaehee

  • the club has an offer where all drinks are half priced and u just drag her along but she vows not to drink
  • lol
  • a ranting angry drunk who lets every thing in her head just come out
  • it’s roast jumin night
  • listen i hat ehis damn *hic* cat wine and his cat i mean *hic* that cat isn’t even cut e *hic* that cat hair is everywhere *hic*
  • stops mid sentence
  • hey you’re *hic* cute
  • she realises what she’s said in her drunk state and covers her mouth and u just laugh because same ur still getting embarrased 
  • she just word vomits everything but her thoughts are so jumbled up that she can’t finish her train of thought so its just random phrases and you can’t get a word in at all
  • i would quit my job but the pay is go-
  • YOU KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY
  • I DESERVE A RISE
  • YEAH
  • i caught trust fund kiddo with a pocky stick in his mouth on the floor trying to get elly to ea-
  • omg
  • isnt that animal abuse???
  • I CAN GET HER TAKEN AWAY
  • what the number i’ll call the-
  • you have to grab her phone out of her hand or else jumin would kill her but damn she was close
  • doesn’t dance but she just stares at people from her seat judging people verbally nd really loudly - enough for them to hear
  • she’s awful
  • shut up jaehee where are your manne-
  • but she has 2 left feet an-
  • you just drag her out because the girls are so close to clawing her face 
  • tuts the whole way home mumbling about kids these days but jaehee ur like 5
  • int he future she doesn’t even let u bring up that night because she lost 5 clients and jumin managed to hear what she said and he was v.v.v pissed 
  • throws a shoe at your head when you mention going to a club together

Saeyoung

  • takes you to some weird underground club for officals n shit with a secret password to get in and everything??
  • where are we saey- holy shit whY IS THE GUARD BREATHING FIRE
  • you learn that they’re robots that he created - well ofc that makes sense now
  • all the drinks in the club are just rainbow coloured and weird and theres blaring techno music where am I
  • recommends you every drink and he’s also one of the lightweights so soon enough ur both somehow singing to screamo (just screaming random syllables)
  • he’s that IDIOT who screams “DRINKS ON ME”
  • oh my god saeYOUNG NO
  • gets into a dance battles (does white boy dance moves) and he loses and breaks his glasses may I add
  • but its normal because he says he has 137 more?? wdym..?
  • when people hit on you he ends up joining in and hitting on you as well because u know.. drunk logic
  • are you a calendar because dATE ME
  • we’re already dating idiot wh-
  • oh well it did it hurt; when.
  • …when..?
  • when you fell for me
  • dies on the floor laughing at his own joke 
  • then after a while he’s literally really weird like
  • weirder than usual
  • if sunflower oil is made from sunflower seeds.. and sesame oil is made from sesame seeds.. whats virgin oil made from??
  • oh god th e government is giving us viRGIN DRIINKS
  • GUYS I HAVE AN ANN-
  • you cover his mouth quickly because theres probably government officials in here u IDIOT shut it
  • compliments random strangers while doing the finger gun action as u drag him out
  • points at stranger “u have.. nice shape d teeth *hic* me likey
  • probably laughs the next day because those drinks don’t give you hangovers (he created them) and he compliments his own shitty dancing on camera before pulling another pair of glasses out of thin air
  • bitch tf where did that come from?????

V

  • he tells you off for drinking at the club 
  • but ends up drinking himself
  • okay wow seriously the RFA have no logic - rika u hired idiots
  • he becomes really artsy and he acts knowledgeable 
  • but he don’t know shit
  • you know where rum comes from?
  • uh yeah isn’t it like a by product of some sugar process thing and its fer-
  • no. i’m going to tell you the unspoken truth.
  • you get a glass of water from the mountains, put it on the table, clap 3 times, spin around 4 times, say rummyrumrum and then it becomes rum.
  • (please bare in mind he says this super seriously with the straightest face and the calmest tone)
  • he’s wandering around the club and people think he’s sober but he’s really not he just looks normal
  • ends up taking thousands of photos on his phone until theres no more memory left
  • the photos are worse.. than jumins (collective gasps)
  • but at the time he’s genuinely freaking out because 
  • omg these pictures are golden i’m literally going to make millions
  • …they’re all blurry feet.
  • probably lets to bartender ramble about his job to him because thats v and he’s nodding his head slowly at him 
  • he’s not listening btw
  • suddenly gets up (srry mr bartender) and realises he has to take pictures of you because wow ur beautiful (he’s STILL cheesy when drunk)
  • those ‘pictures’ are just confused selfies because how do cameras flip again??? technology is hard :((
  • his form of dancing is nodding his head like jumin with some jazz hands from time to time 
  • zones out a lot at the club - everyone is convinced he’s high and avoids him
  • the next morning he erases all the pictures and literally pretends the night didn’t happen 
  • acts super clueless 
  • lol whats alcohol? i only know of green tea!!