I cant even remember the last time I wrote a written entry on my blog, I honestly cant even remember the last time I took the time to sit down and just write/type. During my time in Disney, I would try and write every night and since the program ended, things have been anything but unexpected.
First off, the College Program was amazing and has made me grow up so much. Not necessarily in a sense of adulthood, just in maturity and responsibility. You can ask my friends, Im pretty much still a child at heart. Anyone, so far, life has been throwing a lot of hardballs my way. Ive striked out on a few, some may have slipped by with just a bunt, but thankfully some have been out of the freaking park when it comes to friends.
Growing up, I was ALWAYS that kid that could be persuaded to do just about anything. I believed everything someone told me, and always saw the good in people, and never really stood up for myself. I would try, but things would just get worse. i can remember the first time I actually sat down in 1st grade and was asked to write a letter to my best friend, and it took me hours to think of a name, when I just gave up and asked to go the bathroom….
Now, its safe to say that thanks to these obstacles and these events that have been happening in the past year, Im turning out to be quite the opposite of what I always pictured I would be like at the ripe age of 20. Im still in college, majoring in something I enjoy, know who my true friends are, at the moment, and just seem to be getting things in check when it comes to figuring out what to do with my life. The one thing though that has still yet to happen is having a boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND?! Im 20 years old, about 3 years out of the closet and still no boyfriend. WHAT GIVES?
The question many ask is, IS IT ME? While some may let their friends babble about how its not their fault, its just not their time, only half of that statement is true on my part. I personally believe it is my fault. My WHOLE life I have done nothing but put myself down, hide behind shadows, and just never compliment myself. I hear it from others, but just shrug it off and try and play it with a smirk or a quick confirming remark then look past it. We all are our own worse critic. Yea, i know. But when will it stop? When im finally at the ‘ideal" body image? When I finally have my first date?
Its safe to say now that going to Disney and getting the feedback and attention I was put through, im more confident in myself than the past. I now give myself a little bit of the credit I believe I deserve, but still, Im not perfect. No one is, except Chris Evans and Zac Efron, but hey thats besides the point. I let guys in, and when things seem to look bright, something small and inconspicuous jumps in to play. Why do I have these standards? Try setting them lower? Im not picky? I accept all people, so I think I do. Maybe its just not my time. Maybe you just have to accept yourself before you can let anyone else accept you. WHAT IS THIS THERAPY?
Im just tired of contradicting myself all the time and not believing in myself. From now on, I will compliment myself everyday and take more credit for what I give to my friends and family. I know what I want in life, and im not going to settle for less. I deserve more than I give myself credit before. Like Perks said, we really do accept the love we think we deserve.
So enough of this offtangentramblebabblewordclusterfuckofaentry and just try and be there for yourself as much as you are for others. They will be there for you when you need it most, but noone can make you feel more like yourself, then yea, YOURSELF…
So today was just a normal day off for me on this adventure called the Disney College Program. Today, I slept in till about 1 o'clock and then decided to get ready for a day with a few of the DCP fam. We decided to go eat at Cracker Barrel today, and as always that was a great decision because it reminded me of the times my family and I would stop on the road when we would all go for vacations, and even when I would go with my LSU peoples during our stressful finals week. I really do miss them. Anyway, after that we had to find David a Bank of America and the GPS took us to this amazing little town called Celebration. I dont really know why I was so drawn to it, but it was just so homey, and comfortable and everything seemed to just fit. It made me think about where I would like to end up in the next few years, especially with college coming to an end in a year or two. I love the experience so far, and I know that at this point in time, I dont really plan on committing to the Disney company anytime soon, but its awesome to know that I have that option in the back of my mind. I really want to try and commit to my own photography and design business. I want to have my own little studio apartment with a photography studio and graphic design lab with brick walls, and red door, and big WTChuck sign, and I just want to have a place to call my home where I can do what I love to do and be who I was meant to be and make a living for it! I just want that so bad! So my mission now and after this program is to start taking my heart seriously and commit to my goals, commit to what I know I want, and know what I deserve. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone and doing what they think was best for me, and now its time that I take things in my own hands. I’m going to meet a guy that I want to pursue, and not have anyone push anyone on me. Im going to study what I want to study, and Im going to live my life for me, and NO ONE ELSE.
"...THE MEASURE OF A MAN LIES NOT IN WHAT HE SAYS, BUT WHAT HE DOES.
Today was an okay day. It was different for me, but in a good way. Today I found myself actually walking about normal speed around campus and my mind just started to take over. In the midst of all this pre-finals week stress, I found myself calm, content, worry free and somewhat focused. On what? I looked down on my iPod and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN - Rihanna, began to play. My mind then began playing out all of my past relationships and acquaintances that I’ve had up until now.
“Ive been everywhere man looking for someone, someone who can please me, love me all night long…”
This lyric was speaking to me. How throughout my life I’ve always tried looking for someone. Whether that was in the right or wrong place, I’ve always found myself looking for someone or something. i just couldn’t help but be emotional. I was sad, angry, and just frustrated that at this point in time, I still haven’t managed to find a guy for me. Yea some had come into the picture, but it wasn’t for too long. I always find myself in the end of it all wondering, why did I even think it could work? Was there something I was missing? I’ve always been the type to always jump into things only because an opportunity sprung up, not because I was genially ready. I’ve always told myself that if I commit to something and feel for it 100 percent, it’ll work, but unfortunately it never does. When will I actually find someone who will make me feel that I was what he had always been searching for.
By this time I was arriving at my French class, then as I sat down and opened up my new ALL STAR SUPERMAN comic, it hit me. The first page read: “…THE MEASURE OF A MAN LIES NOT IN WHAT HE SAYS, BUT WHAT HE DOES.” I then began to think. If I wouldn’t always tell myself that I’m not good enough to find the right guy, then it’ll never happen. I need to start being more confident in myself and less doubtful that something great will never come my way. The more I actually DO that and show that I can be the person that Ive always been scared of showing then that guy will come along and make everything better.
“… I’ve been everywhere man, looking for someone, someone who can please me, love me all night long, I’ve been everywhere man looking for you babe, looking for you babe, searching for you babe…”