wrong-hole

Another humans are weird/space orcs idea that came to me while trying to drink water upside down:

Humans are apex predators. We’re unbreakable and relentless and legion and lethal. Nothing gets to us- except us.

It’s the stupidest little things that can stop up a human.

Many aliens have theorized about this. Perhaps with no natural enemies, the species tried to threaten them with themselves in a desperate search for some kind of challenge. Maybe it’s cosmic karma for being nigh unstoppable. Maybe they had transcended so much that the nuances of life were tiny and incomprehensible to them. Maybe it’s natural selection trying to thin the herd.

Whichever the cause, it’s a strange combination of disturbing and amusing to see a human be defeated by itself. It’s a little alarming to see the most resilient and powerful species in the universe be completely shut down with things that pale in comparison to their normal challenges.

Seeing a human function almost completely fully with several broken bones… but absolutely crippled and reduced to using one arm when faced with a large hangnail.

My dad broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in such a way that the bone was sticking out of his leg. He crawled a half mile in the snow to the nearest house to ask for help. But when he stubs his toe on the coffee table every few weeks, it’ll bring him to his knees.

I recently got a double conch piercing done- two massive needles shoved through the thickest cartilage in my ear, one right after the other. I’ve got 5 other piercings. None, not even the conch, hurt as much as getting a single hair yanked out of my head.

I see people eat some of the world’s hottest foods all laced with capsaicin which can kill things, and drink alcohol that’s literally poisonous, and break pen cases with their teeth. But a too cold slush drink? Unable to talk or move, head between the knees, for about two minutes, because brain freeze. Or, better yet, sometimes we literally choke on spit. Nearly asphyxiate. Because we regularly ‘swallow down the wrong hole’. 

Alien: Why did you say, last month, that your broken ribs and arm and massive blood loss was ‘fine’, but when you got a paper cut today, you cried for ten minutes and now still refuse to unwrap your wound? It is tiny in comparison to some things that you’ve faced without hesitation.

Human: Honestly it’s really stupid and I don’t really know, but I will swear up and down and until the day I die, a broken bone hurts way less than a paper cut.

Alien: But… no. It’s not worse. It… that doesn’t make sense.

Human: I know, right? But it’s true. 

anonymous asked:

do you recall any bloody accidents happening on stage :0? who makes the most mistakes?

Yoongi makes the most mistakes, on purpose. He once ripped open something and was immediately sent to the hospital, Seokjin suggested that he should do it more often because after the incident, the audience grew.

Dan and Phil Play: Golf with Friends #2 - ALL INNUENDOS ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Phil is in italics. Dan is regular. Actions are *bolded*

  • “TWO SANDY BALLS”
  • Look at how erect my flagpole is today. It’s like completely, directly up… Look at it tho. Look at it!
  • Before we start we need to CUSTOMIZE OUR BALLS!!!!
  • My pole is so long you can’t even see the flag
  • Oh, You’re inside my ball again
  • We are already freaking out inside each other
  • Hit it, Phil, over that lump. SMACK!
  • I thought that was the hole for a minute. I thought I got in the hole
  • That was a bit too much power for Danny there
  • I’m deceived by the curves…
  • *Does bodyrolls*
  • I have no idea how I’m gonna get into the hole
  • It’s already hard
  • Oooooh, that felt good to me
  • He lacked the necessary power to conquer the lump
  • My lumps, my lovely Philly lumps. Check ‘em out
  • It’s so close… Timmyyyyy
  • That’s obviously just saying go for it, but how much power? Smack it
  • Oh my god, that was close… right on the cusp
  • Get out of my zone. Stop touching me. I’ll touch you when I please
  • That’s what you get for being cocky
  • “hot and delicious” fun.
  • Watch out Anubis. Phil’s in your pyramid
  • Just solid wacking
  • I’m just gonna wack it. Boom, slide, crack
  • Shit fucking wank fuck
  • Ahhhhhh… Oh my god, that was sexual. Ahh, that was the most erotic math based experience I’ve ever had. Yeah, I liked that
  • Yes, yes!!!! Look at this. That was beautiful. I want to have children with this course
  • Just aim for the hole…
  • I’m gonna need a bit more— SHITTING FUCK!
  • You owe me two strokes…
  • He’s going down. I’m heading down, I’m close to it. Ready? Smack!
  • Oh, that’s a– that’s a hole
  • That was so satisfying…
  • I love that we both cocked that up so much
  • …or would we be really sweaty and sandy right now? We would be very sandy and sweaty
  • You would have your caddy lad, atleast…
  • Your non-gender specific caddy gimp would need to be fanning you… Caddy gimp? Yeah
  • I’m gonna line up. Bang!
  • He’s thinking about how tasty your ball is right now
  • Yes, sphinx daddy. Let’s go
  • Ahhh, straight down the gullet
  • It didn’t even touch his esophagus, here we go. Straight down the hatch…
  • Into the opening of the pyramids uterus…
  • You literally just said that that’s a giant sand vagina. No I didn’t. I said it’s like your being birthed into the pyramid. No no no, that’s what you said. We’re climbing inside the pyramid vagina
  • I’m just gonna wack it right in
  • I don’t know what’s happening but I’m excited by it
  • Ooh, that’s it. Tease it in
  • Oooooh, toasty ball
  • That’s the wrong hole!!!
  • This is not how God wanted it but it’s happening
  • Ohh, Ohh— Yes, that was tasty. That was a delicious go
  • …The bridge to Cleopatra’s bedroom
  • Is he wearing any underwear?
  • I’m close, I’m close, I’m close!!!
  • Come on let me have it
  • The best parts were when you went in the mouth and when you went through the uterus
  • Use the power of your thumbs. Tickle that like button
  • Go one, Phil. Groom me like a monkey

Total Innuendos: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII

Smol Beans Corrupted: ~2,773

ive halfassed more stuff you’re welcome dont hurt me thanks

@nesquidly reblogged this from vaard and added:                                                                                                                                                                            I can’t lie, Nessa would’ve laughed at him then had an elemental lift him out…she’s not the nicest draenei…