You were my chaos, but you were also my peace.

– p.n.

“There will be a time where I will finally forget about you, and your eyes will water when you recall my name.”

- excerpt from a book I’ll never write #119 // @loveactivist

I wish someone would’ve just sat me down, five years ago, ten years ago even, and told me how much growing up would feel like digging my soul out of my body by teaspoons and burying it.
—  from an unfinished story #810

i. If you never come back, maybe there will still be songs that play on the radio about what was before when the sun seemed to shine just so I could see you smiling.

ii. If you never come back, I hope my voice still echoes through your mind on the days when everything else is fuzzy.

iii. If you never come back, part of me will wish you’ll still reach to remember the details of a story we never told aloud.

iv. If you never come back, please don’t push away anyone else’s love like an unwanted coat on a cold day.

v. If you never come back, don’t be sorry that all the months of daydreaming went to waste for a broken nightmare.

vi. If you never come back, will your hands shake at the thought of wanting something that’s been gone since the last time my name lit up your phone?

vii. If you never come back, I’ll still be waiting to see you again as if you’ll come in with the morning wearing the same clothes you left in.

viii. If you never come back, the phone will beckon to you on those nights when you only have a half-empty glass and a quiet apartment.

ix. If you never come back, don’t pretend for even a moment that I never begged for you to let me back in.

x. If you never come back, I pray your eyes won’t still haunt me from the faces of strangers when all I want to see in them is you.

xi. If you never come back, I’ll miss you every day you don’t show up at my door.

I’ve discovered the hardest relationships to mourn are the ones that never happened. Because instead of lying awake at 3:00 a.m. wearing out every memory that features your smile, I’m sitting on the bathroom with my eyes screwed shut trying to picture what being in your arms might’ve felt like, because I never even got to know that much. And we all know imagination surpasses reality.

- It’s Like My Head Wants To Hurt Me.

My sister has a theory, that when you get a song stuck in your head, it’s because you don’t know it all the way through. It keeps replaying because it cannot end. Maybe we keep coming back to each other because we don’t know how we end, so we can’t let go. What if we decided to find our ending. What if we played us out all the way?
—  Mt // or maybe we’re just bad, looping mall muzak
Don’t Doubt Your Writing

Anonymous asked: “Any advice for the crippling self-doubt with writing? I do short stories and I never think they’re good enough.”

Get ready for probably one of the worst pep-talks ever written. The first time I heard someone say (and not to me actually), “No one asked you to be a writer,” was probably the first time I realized I didn’t actually have to write. 

Keep reading

New Relationship

I know you are afraid. I’m fucking terrified too. I don’t want to get hurt again. I know you don’t either. I’m terrified to be broken into a million pieces, but I don’t want to run away. I want to run towards you at a hundred miles per hour. There’s something about you that makes me want to risk the unbearable. I want to trust you with the billions of neurons keeping my body together. I want you to delve into the inner thoughts of my conscious and peer into my secret desires. I want to scream your name in anger, ecstasy, lust. I want 1 + 1 = 1. I want to love you unconditionally. I want to make the whole completely wholesome.

Trust me. Trust us. Let’s jump into the deep end together.

- C. May 14th, 2018 

He does this thing with people he loves. The way he lets you in, just a little bit at a time, and you don’t even really notice it until suddenly you know everything about him, every scar on his body and mind. It stops being a question of whether or not you’d follow him off a cliff and it becomes just a fact of life, that you’d hold his hand on the way down. All of a sudden, you’re a part of him, like another limb, and you don’t think to question it until you realize that you treat him the same way, like he’s your heart and your lungs and your blood would freeze in your veins without him. You stop being two distinct beings with two separate minds. You’re still different people, but it stops being a ‘you-and-him’ and it becomes a 'we’. And then he’s gone, and you’ve heard of phantom limbs, when amputees feel agonizing pain in limbs that aren’t there anymore, and maybe that’s what this is, but you’re walking around like a zombie and you can’t think and you can’t even fucking breathe, because he isn’t here and you’ve forgotten how to live without him.
—  from an unfinished story #818

“I believe that I have a kind heart, but there is a pit in it that is so black that only the people, who’ve hurt me when I loved them, live near it.”

- excerpt from a book I’ll never write #117 // @loveactivist

I’ve been told many times over that when you really, truly love somebody, you would do anything to see them happy; even willingly suffer in silence while they love another.
—  Watching you with her hurts beyond belief, but I find solace in knowing my love for you is real
There are certain moments in life that make you feel more alive than anything else in the world. Sunsets. Sunrises after you’ve been up all night. First kisses. When you hear a new song for the first time and know that it will be one of your favorites. Waking up on a weekend with nothing to do but be happy. Dancing for the fun of it, alone in your room, knowing that no one can see you and no one can judge you.
—  thinking too much #58