writing prose

Hey you. I know you feel alone as the world is constantly writing the saddest letter to you. You pick apart every sentence because there is truth trying to hold your hand and there are lies trying to bend you backwards. You slim down your waist because they slip their hands through your thoughts with such simple words. I’m sorry that you’re alone, I’m sorry that you feel all alone. I can’t be there and I’m sorry for the way wind feels on your skin, you always tell me to keep trying, but you were never any good at taking your own advice and yes, we’ve been trying to heal our scars, but each dark alley forgets to light us a torch, so we must walk through it with cautious eyes– I’ve been meaning to give you mine because you never see you like the way I do. I know you feel broken as the people you’re surrounded by keeps asking you what’s wrong. What’s wrong? I’m just another person you won’t be attentive to. I’m just another person you won’t remember. I’m just another person you won’t miss. If it makes you feel something, if it makes you feel anything at all.

I’d miss you.

It keeps writing. It writes everyday. We have so many chapters spilled to destroy us that we do it before reading through the book. We burn the pages before it gets a solid chance to harm us and sweety, that’s the mountains speaking. It’s breaking into your bones and you’re trying to reach but no one is there.

I’d miss you.

Being this lonely with trillions of souls we haven’t touched, being this depressed with so many different versions of us that we’ll never get to love because we gave up too soon, I’m sorry that you’re hurting and I’m sorry that you’re going through this inside of your head and yes, there’s nothing lonelier than facing the world with an empty smile when you’ve been trying so fucking hard to find a reason to go on…

The sad part is you know it might get better. It frightens you. You’ve been dealing with this for so long that the idea of something being placed in front you that can help… you’d reject it. You’d laugh at it. You’d bury it with you.

You, your broken heart and the many ways you’ve seen red drip down those drains.

You’ve been trying. No one sees it.

But you have.

And no, it won’t get better tomorrow.
Maybe not even next week.
Maybe not even next year.

But as long as you keep trying.

Something has got to give.

You’ve been writing this last page all by yourself. You’ve been wearing your skin inside out, you’re exposing yourself and crying for help. No one pays attention. No one notices.
No one gives a real fuck. No one can understand your pain. No one can write it.

There will be nothing in this life if you give up.
There will be nothing left to fight for.

You’ll be alone most nights,
but as long as you’re willing
to put up a fight.

As long as you’re willing to try.

I’m here to tell you that it will.

You will blossom into many different things, but dying will not be one of them.

It must be your glowing days that will make it all worth the struggle. You’ll cry most nights, you’ll say that this isn’t much of a life.

But as long as you’re here.
But as long as you’re breathing.

I wouldn’t have to miss you.

I’d be right here and it’s such a small thing to be there for someone, but I hope in this situation that it’s big for you.

We all need support eventually.
Don’t be afraid to accept it.

—  I’d miss you.

but wait. wait hang on. i know i’m not happy right now because i’m hurt. i mean physically. i mean the burn is obvious, a big red angry kiss on my hand. and you don’t have to be happy if you’re hurt.

but wait. come on wait. somewhere in here, one day, do i figure out that it doesn’t have to be my skin that’s hurting. that it’s okay. that sometimes i can’t even really tell that the hurt is bad, or where the hurt is, or even if it exists. but that i am hurting in a permanent, forever kind of way. some part of me will always be burning, some transmitters will always forget to turn on the lights. it’s okay. why aren’t you happy?

you asshole, i say to myself. you’re in pain. 

why aren’t you happy? because you can’t be right now. maybe you never get big happy; and maybe that’s okay because you still get the small moments. but that starlight fantasy of weeks and weeks of happy is elusive. something is stopping you from it. after a while the ache will fade into the background or you’ll learn to live with it, but we both know tonight when there’s nothing to distract you, you’ll remember to notice it. it’s okay. if you grit your teeth you live through it.

now the hard part. to grit your teeth and live through it.

I get a thrill from you catching me staring. You’ll glance over at me, and I know I should look away, but I won’t and you’ll know that I’ve been looking too long. And I want so badly for you to ask why. I want to come up with an excuse so I can see if you believe it, so I can see if that’s what you want to hear.

9/27/2016

I finally get around to going home. The strange thing is I have no idea where home is anymore. They say hike is where safety gets to drink tea without worry that fear would bring the coffee. That shit was never strong enough anyway. So you come home a whole year later. You’re not crying anymore. Ok. Well maybe sometimes. I’m not a robot, but if in some magical way I was a robot, I’d be the only robot with a heart. My poor, poor mechanical heart. It’s a good thing I don’t cry as much. I get to spend more time thinking. Some days I still dwell on the past, but mostly I dream about the future. For example: I used to think my bed would still smell like her. The thing is… you slowly start to forget. Faces become blurry. You forget their eye colors. Everything that used to matter it’s likely that it no longer does. You can sleep without fear. You can wake up without needing someone. I think that’s the messed up part. I went from melting your image into my skull to not needing you at all. So you come home one day and look into your restroom mirror– everything is the same except for you.

– welcome home

Not all people are good, but likewise,
not all people are bad.
Do not let the wrongdoings of a few
taint your judgement of the whole.

You will meet people who will tear you down,
and break you every chance they get.
But you will also meet people who do nothing
but bring you up, and mend your pieces.

Do not lose hope.

—  “We need a little more of that these days”
remnant-thoughts
I don’t always say it,
but sometimes I wish
he can say what’s
on my mind,
because there are times
when I find it hard
to form the words
to explain each
and everything
that runs through
my head.
—  ma.c.a // Jumbled
When you tell me you love me too do you mean it? Because it feels like you don’t. Because I never have the chance to tell you I love you too because you never tell me you love me right up front. I’m always the cause, and you’re always the effect. And I want to be the effect so bad that I’m begging you right now to be the cause. Because I am tired of always being the first one to say I love you. I am sick of being prime. I am sick of being genesis. I am sick of being the first one to worship your majesty. And now I think I’m losing faith. I’m losing hope. So let me be the first one to say I hate you. Now I’m the cause.
—  Cause and Effect by Juansen Dizon
He stopped the car all of a sudden, banging his fists against the wheel. It had taken him longer than I’d anticipated to explode. I stilled in my seat and closed my eyes, pretending he couldn’t see me as long as I couldn’t see the vein on his temple throbbing angrily, as long as I couldn’t see his flushed cheeks. But I heard his hasty intakes of breath, felt the tension spread in the air, thick enough to suffocate me. I threw the door open then and got out of the car. I couldn’t stand being caged in such a small and confined place with him.
The sudden burst of cold cleared my head but did nothing to prepare me for his insults. For his cursing. For him rushing after me and slamming the door shut. He grabbed my wrist and shoved me back towards the car and there were tears in his eyes and tears in mine but I would hold it in this time. I’d always hold it in from now on. I was in control. I was fine.
“You knew,” he shouted, and I wondered what he would do if I was the one to push him away, if I got into the car and just drove, drove until I felt safe again, “you knew all this time.” It wasn’t a question so I didn’t answer. I had something to hold over his head, something so dark, so twisted, that he didn’t know how to cope with it. Something that he didn’t want anyone else to figure out. I was in control, I reminded myself sternly. My silence was what fueled his burning rage and he set himself on fire right there, in the middle of the street.
“Yes,” I breathed, my hands shaking, my pulse quickening, “I did. And I wouldn’t have told you. I wanted us to work out, but I wouldn’t have told you how much I knew and damned myself. Never in a million years.” I watched him go up in flames and remembered what he’d done to me, how he’d treated me, how he’d made me feel. And I smiled. As he burned and screamed and kicked the side of the car, I watched, a smile on my face.
—  Excerpt from a story
n.j.
I always thought my world would end with a clap of thunder or the bang of a gun,
But it ended in a whisper,
And please don’t show up at my door,
Because you know I’m too weak - I’ll gush “I love you too” and welcome you like a soldier home from war,
I want to pretend I’m strong and that I’ve prepared for the apocalypse of my heart,
But I know I’m weak and I’ll always come when you call,
Because my heart still beats to the sound of your name in the silence around me; and part of me still hopes yours beats for me too
1) Just because you get into a relationship, doesn’t mean that your life is finally fulfilled. Just because a boy came into your life and made you happy, doesn’t mean that it’s the final piece to the puzzle. There’s so much else to work on with yourself, other happiness to find, such many other things to do than fall in love. Love may be everything, but it’s not everything.
2) If you repeatedly cry in a relationship, something is seriously wrong.
3) Confidence, self-worth and self-love comes from within, not from him telling you that you’re beautiful, pretty and wonderful.
4) He can love you in a certain way and you can love yourself in another way.
5) If you start to get that small feeling in your gut, that the person you’re with is probably not the right for you, then you’re most likely right. Trust your instincts with that.
6) You might look perfect today. Your hair falls daintly over your shoulders and your makeup is absolutely flawless. It doesn’t necessarily mean that today will be a good day.
7) Buying new clothes will not make you happy in long-term.
8) You can have many sides to yourself. You can be sporty, girly, tomboy-ish, artsy, casual, smart and silly at the same time.
9) Labels are overated.
10) Your partner’s personality doesn’t define who you are.
11) There will never come a time in your life where everything is perfect and you’re feeling nothing but happiness. Struggles, pain, problems and mistakes will always be here and there in your entire life.
12) You will never fully stop caring about something that once meant a lot you, that you perhaps lost. There will always be that little part of you that still cares. That’s perfectly normal.
—  t.j. // Some of the many things I learned this year
I’ve been in relationships that gave me goosebumps, chills, pain, indescribable and fluttery feelings and sleepless nights. Most of them, rejuvenated my soul. And I’m thankful for it because they fed my soul with affection and care that boosted my morale and made me better as a person. But some, gave butterflies in my stomach and then, they leave without incomprehensible explanation. It’s normal to feel and get hurt because it’s part of love and growing up. Love is a double-edged sword; it can bring you happiness and also, pain. Without pain, you can’t realize and learn things in life because you’re in a shroud of illusion and became blinded by the side of love. But despite of all things, I’m not afraid to love again, even though I experienced bad relationships that dragged me down to my worst form. It doesn’t mean that my previous relationship didn’t work out, it never will. I’m not afraid of getting hurt and open up my heart once more. I’m excited with the idea of falling in love again because love gives us an opportunity to grow, learn, love and be loved. It gives us the room to discover ourselves, explore the world and reach our dreams with someone. I stay positive. I always have this feeling that every time someone leaves me, there’s a better one coming. And it’s true, we just need to wait and eventually, things will fall perfectly in places. I must say, I’m ready to fall in love.