writing my mind

Listen I’m bi as Heck and as much as I love girls, I also love boys? Boys are amazing and pure and liking boys is a wonderful feeling? I never see a lot of posts talking about cute boys so

Some Boy Aesthetics™ I’m in love with include:

Their tired grins? Have you seen a cute boy grin when he’s tired? Life Changing

Sleeves rolled up to forearms is all good and Well but also when they have Sweater Paws in their hoodies or jumpers? Makes the tallest of them seem so smol? I’m lov?

When they run their hand through their hair and it sticks up in places and it looks So Good

Collar Bones

Soft pudgy stomachs they absolutely make me melt

When ya boy gets flustered A++ Bonus points if he giggles Boys giggling is Everything

I missed my chance, didn’t I?“ He looked down and waited for an answer he didn’t want to hear.

“If you were to go to her right now, she would choose you in a heartbeat and there’s no doubt about it. You shouldn’t though. This other guy has been in love with her since the day he met her. I’ve never seen her smile as much as I do when she’s with him. She loves you with everything in her but it’s her turn to know what it’s like to be with someone who’s trust is never questionable. ”

—  She deserves the world and you’re just not quite ready to give that to her.

i acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart.

Day 17

Dear, first love.
I do not know how it happened. I couldn’t even tell you when it happened. All I know is that I was completely in love with you but suddenly, it was over and my love started dissipating for you. Please understand, it didn’t just leave. I went through hell and back, not knowing how to deal with the love that you left behind. I thought it was something I’d never be able to get over. I was so overwhelmingly in love with you that I just couldn’t believe that we had no future together anymore and that was hard to swallow because there was a time where I once saw you as my entire future. My mind went astray with the thought of you during cold nights, wishing we were sharing body heat for one last time. It felt as though I’d never be able to erase your name from my memory. But something happened. Like I said, I don’t know when or how, or possibly even why, I just know that it stopped hurting. Your name didn’t feel like a sharp knife embedded into my heart, it faded away like a dull blur that I had trouble remembering. I could drink dark coffee without thinking how your lips tainted that very same mug once before. I was able to pass by the places that hold memories of past us laughing away into the night, with mexican food in our mouth and love in our eyes, with a smile. There was no longer any sadness that used to drain my entire body with heaviness when my thoughts ran through these memories like wildfire. Just an acknowledgement that we were in each other’s lives at one point of time in this universe. I’m no longer sad about us anymore. Truth is, if we were meant to be, we would have been. It’s just a shame that we were lessons rather than the real thing because had we learnt our lessons before meeting each other, we could have been the real thing, you know? The big love that everyone talks about. All of the movies, songs and poems about love; we would have been the epitome of love itself. I truly believe that. But I am happy that we happened. Because I now know how it truly feels to love someone and to have it taken away from you. It’s given me the biggest lessons of my life. I now know when to admit when I’m wrong, how to support someone when they need you to, how to not hold back in love just because you’re scared of the outcome and most importantly, how to love someone without wanting anything in return. Just for the complete sake of loving them.
God, I’m scared. I’ve met someone new and I’m terrified of messing it up. But this time around, I’m not holding back. I have a heart full of love and this time, I’m going to do it right. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for the lessons and thank you for teaching me how to love somebody properly. Goodbye, first love. Hello, my last love (hopefully).

“it doesn’t matter if it was a relationship or a friendship. when it ends, your heart breaks.”


- Day 26

i’m lonely and
i don’t know how to make
it sound like poetry
anymore.


it’s just that i used to fall into friendships.
it’s just that most days i want to fall into
my bed or
my grave
and these bones are too
fragile for show and tell
and i’m like muesli with worse mental health and i don’t want anyone to
look at me except that i want everyone
to look at me and i don’t know what to say i don’t know what to
say i don’t know what to say to
anyone anyway and last year
my best friend
moved 413.4 miles away.
—  L.H
10

“You people, incapable of accepting the world as it is,” says the man to whom the world handed everything.

  • Yuuri, on a trip, who has encountered a string of bad luck- missing a flight, losing his luggage in the process, and then getting robbed of everything else and stranded in a Very Small Town, standing at the door of a Quaint Bed and Breakfast in a pair of scandalously short cut-offs and a a faded and threadbare Britney Spears concert tour t-shirt cut in to a crop top that the owner of the local thrift shop gave to him to wear: okay listen I have had a REALLY bad 24 hours and I have like, three bucks to my name right now but I just really need somewhere to stay until I can get this sorted out with the police and find a way to get home and then I SWEAR I'll be able to pay and I was told you might be able to help me out-
  • Viktor, owner of said Quaint Bed and Breakfast, and also Very Sad, Very Lonely, & Very Very Gay: *looks off in to The Distance* thank you, God.

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery.