Gravity Falls Newspaper
I paused Gravity Falls at the right time and I wanted to share~
It says this:
Let it here be recorded… Nathaniel Northwest, famous in his native Gravity Falls for standing in the park and hitting himself with a large boating car until he blacked out, was chosen to become the patsy mayor of Gravity Falls. Northwest spoke in a series of grunts and screams and often yelled his trademark phrase: “I am going to eat this entire oak tree because I am a powerful wizard!”
The fabled founder of Gravity falls was, in fact, a fraud. His last moments on Earth were spent choking on a giant piece of bark, attempting to live out his beautiful dream. He was hated by everyone that knew him. He will not be missed.
Other hidden historical truths include:
Thomas Jefferson was actually just two kids in an overcoat standing on each other’s shoulders. The current and forever President of the United States is actually Santa Claus. Under the reign of Mr. Claus, America is not a democracy, but a jollyocracy. The statues in Mount Rushmore are actually gigantic presidential-faced robots that will be called into action when America needs them the most. An enormous, evil, time-devouring baby from another dimension is frozen in an Antarctic glacier. Fortunately glaciers never melt, so we should be fine. Writing jokes for cartoons is more important than sleep. If you recite the pledge of allegiance backwards, you’ll gain secret wizard powers! (This one (? works?) kids! Try it at home!)
I think everyone deserves to see this…