(Talesfromthefade) "I am selfish even until death." for the DWC?
Rating: E for everyone
I am not easy to love.
It is a thing I know about myself, have always known about myself. The walls I have erected around my heart are not easily surmounted, and once they are breached, you must then contend with the man that I am.
I am vain. Not a looking glass or a clear pool gets passed by without at least a passing glance to inspect my likeness. I will compliment that reflection in my own head more than I compliment my lover.
I am proud. My happiness at my own achievements will outstrip any joy I get from seeing the person I love succeed. I attempt to justify this by insisting to myself that I have fought for and earned these achievements. And yet I know, deep down, that I have been helped every step of the way by my privilege and status, such as it is. I will never, of course, admit this aloud.
I am unkind and critical. Not a single person alive could live up to the impossibly high standards I impose on everyone except myself.
I am entitled. Even the things I have not earned, I somehow feel I am owed.
And I am selfish even until death. When I gasp my last breath, it will not be to utter a last loving sentiment to you, amatus, but to request that the world remember none of these things about me.
I will ask, instead, that the world see me as you see me. What it is you find in me that is worthy of giving yourself wholly to me, as you have done, I cannot imagine. What is it that outweighs my vanity, eclipses my pride, and outshines all the other flawed pieces of my psyche? Whatever it is, that is what I hope people remember.
It does not escape me that I have spent an entire letter to you talking about myself. But all this is to say, in my own self-absorbed way, that I am a lucky man to have found you, amatus.
I miss you. It’s terribly hot here, even after the sun has set, and I lay awake in bed wishing I could hear your damned snores. The nights are long without you beside me.
Take care of yourself until I see you again. Don’t let Krem and the rest of those ruffians get you killed. And do remind the Inquisitor that it’s been several weeks since I had a raven from her. Too busy keeping that mabari from chewing Skyhold to splinters, I expect. I told her that’s what she gets for marrying a Ferelden.
I love you.