“Why couldn’t you ever just choose me? Are you really that scared of me?” I said defensively.
He took a long breath.
I hadn’t thought he was going to respond because he never has when I got like this.
He usually runs.
But the words spilled from his mouth.
“Yes, and I can’t have you because I fuck everything up.
I would love nothing more than to let myself be with you.” He said running his hands through his hair.
“You know I love you.” He said, eyes meeting mine as my breath stilled.
“But I will not hurt you like that.
Because I know I will,
It’s what I do.
You know it and I know it.
I will break your heart.” He told me as he cupped my face and kissed my forehead before turning away and leaving.
I was stunned in that moment.
I wanted to stop him.
But the words were stuck in my throat.
Of all the things I’ve always wanted to say in a moment like this.
I knew this was my one opportunity.
Because he was a runner.
But I couldn’t get past the lump forming.
We never spoke of it again.
But I wish I had told him that,
this already hurts.
but not completely.
Loving him but knowing
that we would never be together.
That this was already breaking my heart.
That I would have risked the pain and heartache,
Just to have a chance together.
People are poisonous.
I can’t remember who I used to be, because I’m being suffocated by human beings.
I can’t remember what I want, because all I can see is what everyone else wants.
I can’t remember if I’m happy or sad, because of what the world tells me to be.
I can’t even remember if it’s okay to be mad,
Because of an avalanche of what people would think.
So tell me people are good?
No, people are poisonous.
I’m sure I’d be me, if it wasn’t for society.
Why are they trying to hide the real,
And i hope that when it’s 3am and i cross your mind, you feel like you jumped off the highest building and your ribs crack from the fall. And I hope when restlessness is your only companion, you think of me. And as you think of me you realise the beauty of heartbreak, the beauty that I felt for years.
And I hope you fall into piles of regrets and break the spine you never had, and I hope you rummage through your closet looking for pieces of me when someone asks how I’m doing. And I hope you find my first hand written letter to you and you get poisoned with the sweetness and genuineness of the words. And i hope your wounds remain raw long enough for you to realise, to never break another heart, to never betray another love. And I hope that you stare into your reflection in the mirror and you see a tear streaking down your cheek. And I hope that your inflated pride shatters from the weariness of your soul and I hope that the next person that comes to your life, keeps you in your place, unlike me. I hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes that I did.
I keep thinking of everything we’ve had, the countless memories we’ve made, and it just dawns on me how we’re here now. There’s so much staleness in place of the ripeness we used to have. I think of the times where we couldn’t get our hands off each other. How every second we spent together was an adventure. It feels so foreign, almost like a dream from another lifetime. We were so happy, so excited, so joyful. Where did it all go? How are we just two people occupying the same space now?
People fear someone falling out of love with them, but no one usually questions what it’s like to be the one falling out. They can’t picture feeling that something must be horribly wrong with you because there’s no other plausible explanation for why your heart doesn’t flutter when you look at him like it used to. It was the position I never thought I would find myself in, yet here I was, looking at the man I supposedly loved and not feeling a thing. If there was anything there, it was negative. Annoyance, anger, sadness, the complete opposite of everything he used to make me feel. It wasn’t right to let him believe things were okay, so I told him. Watching his facial expression drift from a quiet seriousness into a brokenness I never thought I would cause, I wished I didn’t mean the words I said but I knew I did. I couldn’t keep running away, after all, where could I go when the person that used to feel like home no longer did?
Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: Telling the guy you love that you’re falling out of love for the same reason you fell in love with him.
you are the girl next door,
the love it took me too long
We spent a millennia chasing
Here’s to nights I
came to you covered in blood,
Here’s to nights you
came to me covered in bruises.
Your arms held me
and you told me
everything you wanted to tell him but
And when we realised that comets
were merely sweat rolling down the back of the universe,
we fell out of love with them.
We stopped looking skywards
when we found out
we are also made of stardust.
And when I discovered you loved me it
was like oxygen flooding my lungs,
like quenching a thirst I didn’t know was
Earth, I don’t want fire.
I don’t want ice.
I want you.
the nine people i have loved as planets: earth // L.H.