[text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me.
[text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
[text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
[text] Are you sure there’s no monsters?
[text] It was an accident.
[text] lol fuk da police
[text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
[text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
[text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
[text] Please tell me you’re free today! I’ve got some big news today.
[text] Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
[text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
[text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
[text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
[text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out.
[text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
[text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
[text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
[text] Do you know where I am?
[text] My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
[text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
[text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
[text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
[text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
[text] ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! HE IS A TRIPLET, WE DONT NEED TO FIGHT OVER HIM WE CAN HAVE AN ORGY INSTEAD
[text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
[text] She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
[text] My dick just got serenaded.
[text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
[text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
[text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
[text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
[text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
[text] I’m in A&E but I don’t really know why
[text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
[text] I think I’m officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said it’s not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasn’t trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
[text] He’s decorated the toilet with his urine. I never want to see him ever again, tell him he has 2 minutes to get out of our house.
[text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
[text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
[text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
[text] I think I got married last night?
[text] I think I got married on impulse last night… and after looking a second time, I don’t think i’ve made any mistakes.
[text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
[text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
[text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
[text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
[text] You’re my hero
[text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
[text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
[text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
[text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
[text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
[text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
[text] She high fived me out of pity
[text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
[text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
[text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
[text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
[text] I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
[text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
[text] It may or may not have been your sister…
[text] It may or may not have been your brother…
[text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
[text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
[text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
[text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
[text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
[text] I told her my cum counts as protein shake and she sent a text to my gran saying I ate her cat.
[text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
[text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
[text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
[text] I feel like you’re pretending I didn’t bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a “comfy place to sit”
[text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
[text] I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.
Like I said, it’s all about timing. So how about we make a date. The 25th of June, the Electric Ballroom in Camden. You bring those nice shiny belts you begged and pleaded for so long to get, you put them on the line against us.