Crookedly in Love - Chapter Thirty Four (A Shawn Mendes Fan Fiction)

Chapter Thirty Four

My eyes were groggy, head pounding. It felt like a mallet was beating its way into my brain. The memories from last night blurred in my mind, a blurry film over the night’s events.

I slowly came to, buried underneath the hotel’s comforter. It was starting to come back to me.

The champagne. The tequila. The dancing. His arms around me, his lips on mine. Grappling at his shirt, fumbling with my zipper. Feeling him pressed against me. The passion, desperation, confusion.

It was all shooting back into my mind. I rolled over, pulling the sheets up around me. I could feel him breathing beside me. His back was turned to me, his hair dishevelled. I shook my head. I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have gotten that drunk.

I started to slip out of the bed, grasping at the clothes on the floor. I felt his cotton t-shirt on the floor and put it on.

“Jules?” His voice was quiet, but it made me freeze in my tracks.

“Yeah?” I turned around.

“Where are you going?”

“Back to my room,” I whispered.

“Wait, come here.”

I was tired of arguing with him. I was tired of fighting against him, pushing him away. I was exhausted from resisting this all-consuming power that wants him. Needs him. Craves him.

I made my way over to his side of the bed. He tugged at my shirt.

“This is mine,” he said, smiling.

“Sorry,” I murmured.

“Looks better on you anyways,” he said.

I melted into putty on the floor. I’m not proud of it. I loved him, and I wanted everything back to normal again. I didn’t want to cry. I just wanted to be happy. Was that so hard to ask?

So I repressed everything bad in my mind, even if I was blocking out a part of my that was screaming this was wrong.

He pulled me into him, and I could feel the warmth of his body radiate onto mine.

“Hi,” he whispered.

I kissed him, lightly. He pulled me close, and our mouths touched again. This time, he had a sense of urgency. I let myself give into the moment. Just this once. Why did my happiness have to end because last night did?

“You smell like alcohol,” he said.

I laughed.

“You do too,” I responded.

We became tangled up in one another, forgetting about the time rapidly passing. My anger had melted into a small corner of my mind, and I just wanted him close to me.

“Last night,” he said, in between feverish kisses, “was the best night of my life.”

“Me too,” I said, breathlessly.

He stopped to stare.

“What?” I wondered.

“I – I don’t know,” he said, softly. “I just…I thought things would be different this morning.”

I didn’t want to answer that. Even Shawn couldn’t tell me why I was acting the same as the blurry last night. I was drunk, my actions pulled into question. But, now…I had no excuse to hide behind.

“Well, they’re not,” I said, silencing him with a kiss.

“You mean, we’re okay?” he asked, hopefully.

I pulled away and stared. This was the time where I was supposed to tell him I hated him again. Where I knew I didn’t forgive him. Where he still broke my heart every time I looked at him.

But it was so much easier to forget and ignore.

“I just want it to be like it was,” I whispered.

“I do too,” he said in return.

“What’s wrong with just wanting to be happy again?”

“Does this make you happy?”

I nodded, but I felt something twist in my stomach.

“For months, I’ve felt something just sitting on my chest, weighing me down in every step I took,” I started.

“I know,” he whispered.

“And, then, last night happened…” My voice trailed off. He hinted at a smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be serious,” he said, trying to turn down the corners of his mouth.

“And all my road blocks were down. But, I’ve never felt that light in so long. It was like the weight lifted, and I could finally be…me again.”

He nodded, waiting for me to go on.

“I’m happy with you, Shawn,” I said, softly. “I’ve always been my best with you.”

“So we’re okay again?”

He needed to know, and I didn’t know what to tell him. Apart of me was screaming that we weren’t. We couldn’t be okay because I still looked at him and felt anger rising up in my lungs. But, at the same time, it was just so much easier to say we were fine again.

I would be able to stop shutting him out when all I wanted was to tell him everything, share every part of me with him.

I didn’t know what to do. My mind and heart were pulling me in two different directions.

“I just…” I trailed off. “I just want to be happy again.”

That seemed good enough for him because he kissed me and pulled me in close.

“Come on, let’s get ready for recording,” he said, climbing out of bed.

I reluctantly followed suit. I didn’t want to face Brad after a night with Shawn. I was just anticipating how he would lecture me this time.


I was right. I could see the judgment seer through Brad’s eyes when we walked in. Shawn and I were holding hands, and everyone could tell just how much more comfortable we were with one another.

He gave me a kiss on the forehead, and I leaned into him.

“Shall we record some more?” Shawn asked, happily. Brad couldn’t even hide his disdain for Shawn or me.

He just shook his head and walked out of the room.

Connor interjected. “Yeah, Shawn, let’s get you in and started.”

“I’ll be back,” I whispered to Shawn.

Reluctantly, he let me go after Brad. He knew I had to talk to him, even if he didn’t want me near him.

I owed Brad that much.

I bumped into him in the corridor, where he was taking a swig from his water bottle. I went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

“Brad,” I said, softly.

“What?” he asked. “What’s your excuse this time?”

“Hey, that’s not fair—”

“You’re just playing the part? You have to be more convincing for his manager to set you up with cool new gigs? You’re just magically over everything he did to you in the past and are in love with him again?”

“Well, maybe I am.”

His jaw dropped in disgusted shock.

“What the hell, Julia?” he shouted. “After all he’s done to you, you’re just going to go skipping back to him?”

“Maybe I forgave him. Ever thought of that?” I fired back.

“No,” he said, firmly. “No, I never thought of that! Because you’re smarter than that, Julia. You know better than to just fall right back into this sinkhole because you’re never going to find your way out again.”

“I have a handle on things, okay? I’m in control of the situation.”

He snorted. “No, you’re not. I know that you don’t forgive him. I can see it in your face. You’re still angry at him. And getting back into a relationship with him isn’t going to help your cause.”

“Why the hell are you making such a big deal out of this?”

“Are you that oblivious?” he yelled.

“What are you talking about?”

“Can’t you see that I could be so much better for you? Can’t you see that I care so much about you? I want to be with you, Julia. I want to be that person you turn to and fall in love with. I want to be the one to appreciate all the little things about you.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Brad was pouring his heart out to me, and I didn’t even know how to react. I couldn’t tell if I was ecstatic or sick to my stomach.

“Brad, I don’t know what to say,” I stumbled over my words.

“Say you want to be with me,” he pleaded. “I will never want to change you because I will love you for exactly who you are.”

He stared intently at me, waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Those were the two words that absolutely crushed him. I could see it in his eyes—I just whisked the light right out from under him. He simply shook his head and turned away.

I wanted to shout for him to stay, but the words wouldn’t leave my mouth.


Alexander Skarsgård as Sgt. Brad Colbert in GENERATION KILL (Part 6 - Stay Frosty) #60 of GK Tuesday

Also pictured: Lee Tergesen as Evan Wright/Rolling Stone/Scribe; ??, Marc Menchaca as  Gunnery Sgt. Mike ‘Gunny’ Wynn, Rudy Reyes as  Sgt. Rodolfo 'Rudy’ Reyes, Jon Huertas as  Sgt. Antonio “Poke” Espera, Langley Kirkwood as Sgt. Steven Lovell, and James Ransone as  Cpl. Josh Ray Person

sources: HBO’s Generation Kill Blu-ray, my screen caps