Like, I don’t think you guys understand. I got diagnosed a month and some change after I graduated high school. I was set to go to my dream school and follow with my dream career. I had spent my whole life working towards that. Singing lessons, plays, clubs, music lessons on every instrument imaginable. Music and theatre was my life.
When I got diagnosed, the doctors told us that the survival rate was pretty low. With that, I made my mom call on my behalf and decline my enrollment. I was devastated. When we got home I went to my room and just started wrecking everything. Ripped Broadway posters and playbills off my wall and slammed my viola against my dresser. All my hopes and dreams, gone. It felt like my very being left. Empty.
Later I had my mom remove all my instruments and all my posters, basically anything that had to do with theatre and music. I couldn’t stand to look at them. It hurt too much. I went through a very dark time. I was so depressed. I was mean to everyone. Anytime someone would turn music on, I would yell at them to turn it off. I didn’t sing anymore. I didn’t dance anymore. I was on autopilot, slowly coasting through it all. At my lowest point, when the treatments got harder, I seriously considered ending it all. I mean, why not? I’m dying anyway.
One night-Nov 9th 2010 (I was basically living at the hospital at this point) my cousin decided that she was going to be the one to stay with me and my mom. Ya know, to keep me company. I didn’t want them there. I was miserable and it hurt to watch my mom cry. At one point my cousin got fed up with my attitude and told me to quit sulking and watch her show with her. She turned on the new ep of Glee (Never been kissed) and I told her to “Turn that shit off!!” She said no. Said it would be good for my soul.
So we watched it. Me more so just staring. It was so strange to hear music again. It was odd to see people who had the same dreams and aspirations as me. Not going to lie, I started to get a bit upset. Then everything changed…
Now, let me remind you. I hadn’t sang in months. Almost a year. I don’t know what exactly triggered it, but when Darren’s character, Blaine started to sing Teenage Dream with the Warblers, I started to sing. I was actually singing along loudly. My mom and cousin froze and just stared at me. Mom asked me if I was ok. I smiled and said “I’m happy.” And she started to cry. We all started to cry.
From that moment on, every week I would sing and smile. Tuesday’s became my favorite day of the week. Everyone knew not to mess with me on Tuesdays because that was Glee-day. For those brief 45 minutes I wasn’t stuck in that hospital room. I wasn’t confined to that uncomfortable bed. I didn’t have a million wires and cords stuck to me. I was me again. I was up on that stage smiling and singing. It felt wonderful. It felt like home.
I have so much to thank Darren and Glee for. Without them both I don’t think I would have made it through. They gave me a distraction and a hope that things can and will get better. You just have to fight for it.
Since then I haven’t stopped singing. I’m back in school working towards a MFA degree, I’m writing music again, and I just got casted the second lead role in my universities up coming theatre production. Life is pretty great right now. Yeah, I did have a minor set back and have to start chemo again, but this time I’m ready for it. I’m not afraid anymore. I know I can do it. Bring it.
Is this the real life? Is this just game central station? Caught in a landslide With escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the screen and see I’m just a poor glitch, I need no sympathy Because I’m “easy come, easy go” Little high, little low Any way the game runs, doesn’t really matter to me, to me
Calhoun, just killed a cy-bug Put a gun against its head Pulled my trigger, now its dead Calhoun, life had just begun But now It’s gone and thrown it all away Calhoun, ooo Didn’t mean to see you cry But I’m sure that I can fix it before tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body’s glitching all the time Goodbye everybody - I’ve got to go Gotta leave you all behind and jump the game
Mama, ooo - (any way the wind blows) I don’t want to die I sometimes wish I’d never respawned at all
I see a little pixelet-o of a man Wreck it Ralph, Wreck it Ralph, will you do the Fandango
Candy Canes and icing– very, very frightening me Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo, Figaro – Vanellope!
I’m just a bad guy, nobody loves me He’s just a bad guy from a game family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Easy come easy go – will you let me go? Go-ing Turbo?! No! We will not let you go! – Let him go! Go-ing Turbo! We will not let you go! – Let him go! Go-ing Turbo! We will not let you go! – Let me go! Will not let you go! – Let me go! Never! Never let you go! – Let me go! Never let me go! – ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh Sgt. Calhoun, Sgt. Calhoun, Sgt. Calhoun! Let me go! King Candy has a cy-bug put aside for me! for me! for me!!
So you think you can stop me and fix what I wreck So you think you can love me and treat me like dreck Oh baby – can’t do this to me, baby Just gotta get out – just gotta turbo right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me