Erika Moen, buried neck deep in the ground:
Hey, guys. Today we have a special guest comic from the guy who lives in the sewage pipe behind my house. Hopefully this one doesn't get too FILTHY for you.
Gee, it sure is boring around here.
*poofs out of nowhere*
Who are you!!!????
I'm the dirt monger and I love eating dirt for sexual pleasure.
You mean shoveling tons of dirt into your mouth!!!!!?????????????????
Yes, it's a completely valid normal way of exploring your kinky identity.
But, isn't eating dirt SUPER UNHEALTHY.
Not at all if you follow SAFE DIRT PROTOCOLS. Always make sure to wear dental dam while consuming dirt sexually and to never actually swallow dirt because you don't want that shit in your stomach. Set up code phrases with your partner like "More Dirt" and "Not Enough Dirt" if you don't think you're getting your fair share of dirt shoveled directly into your stupid fucking face.
Wow, I'm so turned on right now.
That's the spirit. Consuming dirt like a human backhoe is a great way to bond with your partner and discover more about yourself as well.
I can't wait to eat dirt like the disgusting troglodyte that I am. Actually, can we mud too?
No, you dumbass! Dirt and mud are completely unrelated things! I'm the dirt monger, not the mud monger! Do you think I'm stupid?
Jeez, sorry I asked.
Hahaha! One more thing, eating dirt has a direct connection to several radical far-right subcultures. Googling dirt eating may take you down a dark path. I just want everyone to know that they do not represent the whole of the dirt eating community. You can practice the sexual consumption of dirt without turning into a nazi. We completely and entirely disavow fascist dirt eaters. THANKS FOR READING.
one cannot have enough of cute and random aus so here have some more
the cute and quiet customer that frequents the coffee shop where I’m a barista
and also where my rival barista works and we’re both fighting for your
attention in increasingly creative and inconspicuous ways (making foam art,
writing cheesy pick-up lines on your napkin etc. etc.)” AU.
my roommate who’s super cute and it’s the middle of the night and you’re
cramming for your exams in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and it’s
becoming increasingly hard for me not to kiss you” AU.
an Art student and I’m an English major and you keep stealing the papers for my
assignment to doodle and I would kill you but you’re really cute and hey that’s
actually a really nice sketch” AU.
the perpetual frowner in class and one day as I’m answering the teacher I
intentionally make a very cheesy pun and I can hear crickets but you’re laughing
out loud and that makes me feel very much accomplished” AU.
manager says the only reason the restaurant where we work at is popular is because
people enjoy eating while watching our relentless flirting with each other but
I swear to God we’re not flirting???” AU.
ditch prom to attend a local poetry slam and you’re also there and I never
really noticed what a cute smile you have and hey do you maybe want to bond
over our mutual love for ‘Howl’???” AU.
new in town and you seem very intimidating but as it turns out you have an
awful sense of direction even with a map and you’re actually adorkable so here
let me help you” AU.
Valentine’s Day and I’m single and you want to cheer me up but you can’t cook
nor bake to save your life so you make me hot chocolate instead and it is delicious
and I think I love you???” AU.
gym class and we’re playing volleyball and you spike really well and you manage
to hit the ball square in my face and I think I’m bleeding and you’re
apologizing profusely and it’s okay but you’re really cute so I guess I’ll take
you up on that offer for coffee” AU.
the jerk-face customer that keeps on thumbing through their phone while ordering
their drink so I exact revenge by spelling your name wrong on your cup and
drawing phallic pictures on your coffee” AU.
mutual friend invites us to go shopping with them and it’s kind of awkward and
now you’re pushing them around the mall in a shopping cart and you’re both
screaming like excited children and I’m paying the cashier and pretending I don’t
know either of you” AU.
mutual friend invites us for Thanksgiving dinner with their other friends and
now there’s a full-fledged food fight going on with potatoes and turkey flying
everywhere and we’re both seeking refuge under the table whilst sharing a bag
of chips that you brought (just in case)” AU.
and I are both baristas at a coffee shop and one day I step out of the café to
take a break and walk in on you gleefully drawing phallic pictures on the
chalkboard outside that no one pays attention to so what are you doing?” AU.
and I go out to a sushi bar and the sushi chef yells at you for being allergic
to a particular kind of fish and now you’re crying and I’m trying to comfort
and I are at a sushi restaurant and you’re continuously snagging sushi off the
belt that I have to pay for and you don’t seem to be going to stop anytime soon
but you look so cute when you’re eating with that smile on your face what the
hell man” AU.
mailman constantly mixes up your home address and mine together and keeps on
sending me your letters and packages and I’m sorry I look through them but your
life seems very interesting as well as those books on black magic in one of your
packages so wanna talk about it over a cup of coffee?” AU.
both strangers sitting in the same booth at an eatery because all the other
booths are full and you’re drawing smiley faces on your plate with ketchup and
wow your concentrated frown is cute” AU.
our mutual friend’s wedding and they keep shoving us into each other because we’re
the only ones at the ceremony who are single” AU.
my roommate and it’s way past midnight and you’re talking about how Charles
Dickens inspired prison reform and how the moon must feel insignificant because
it borrows light from the sun and this is all very interesting but will you
please shut up and go to sleep” AU.
actually a really friendly and chill vampire and at night you float around
outside of my bedroom window to talk with me about the universe and stuff” AU.
going through my sketchbook and giving questioning looks and I swear to God I’m
just a deranged artist and not a serial killer” AU.
live next door to each other and I can see you through the window while you’re
dancing to your iPod in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and God you’re
a dork” AU.
been standing in line at the coffee shop for hours and you casually cut through
for your drink but also buy me my favorite blend and now I’m not so sure what
to make of you” AU.
sick so you make me chicken soup and I’m really grateful but I’ve also seen you
read books on magical spells and potion-making so I’m not sure if I should
drink your soup in case it turns me into a toad” AU.
a scrawny black cat in our neighborhood that hates everyone and everything but
follows you around for some reason and I see you pet it and feed it fish fries
are you a witch” AU
a perpetual frowner and most certainly not a morning person and I work
part-time at a breakfast bar and your disheveled hair and content smile as you
eat my waffles and scrambled eggs is the only thing that can get me to smile”
the one in class who has tattoos all over their arms and piercings and
everybody’s scared of you and one day I catch you watching cat videos and doodling
in the middle of a lecture and wow you’re a dork” AU.
work part-time as a cashier at the local corner store and you come here
regularly to shop and bond with me over the microwavable chicken bites so how
about I take you out on a proper date instead?” AU.
the owner of a magic shop and you discover my magics one day when you walk in
on my cat flying around inside the shop on a broom and now I have to take you
in as my apprentice or turn you into a toad” AU.
the health-conscious med student and I’m the chain-smoking art student who’s
also your barista and you leave me notes on smoking and lung health on your
napkins and also a 20-page essay on lung cancer tucked under your saucer” AU.
a tea-lover yet you come to the coffee shop where I work at just to see my foam
art and you give me hefty tips regularly so I’ve taken it upon myself to master
the art of tea-making just for you” AU.
a fashion major and I’m working on my illustrations and maybe I’ve had too much
coffee but I swear I just saw one of the mannequins move so here I am calling
you in the middle of the night please help I’m scared” AU.
work at a fast food restaurant and as you hand me my food you lecture me for
ruining my health what is this hypocrisy” AU.
egging a random person’s house to relieve stress and you join me and as it
turns out the house belongs to your ex and now they are chasing us as well as
the police and now we’re both in jail waiting to be bailed so um you wanna talk
about it?” AU.
PAIRING: Harry/Y/N RATING: R lol WORD COUNT: 10k y’all!!! REQUESTED: nope !
this is my longest one shot, it took up like 20 pages on microsoft word lmfao !! anyways it took me a bit longer than usual bc i went through a slight block (rip) but it is finished and i’m quite proud of it!!
feedback is much appreciated, it rly motivates me!! ok that’s it i hope u enjoy :-)
“Lately, I find the truth has become so elusive, often imaginary. But, in the end, it’s all that we’re left with, isn’t it? What is real, what you can taste and touch and feel. The words that pass between us as we look each other in the eye are all we have to hold onto. The truth.I hold it dear.”
jooheon (monstax) + you (reader) word count: 7,233 warnings: i have no excuse for this flithy, graphic smut (that includes but is not limited to thigh riding, breath play, mild degradation, spanking, etc) and strong language (some slut shaming) and brief mentions of infidelity a/n: i was inspired by the new mv and channeled that inspiration into a gang!au, bad boy jooheon sexy time fest and before you say anything yes i know he is a total squish in real life that’s why it’s called fiction :)
some simple (but effective) tips when your skin is not cooperating
hi friends, here are some tips i’ve learned over the years that help me keep my skin in check. feel free to add any tips that have benefitted you :)
wash your pillow case! this one can really be overlooked. i change/wash my pillow case once or twice a week, even when i don’t wash my sheets. this really helps makeup and bacteria from building up
probiotics. i know some of these supplements can be pricey, but if you can get your hands on some they are magic! i take one everyday. they support healthy gut flora which helps nourish skin, hair, and nails. you can also get probiotics from fermented foods like miso, kimchi, and sauerkraut.
vitamin c. so i started taking vitamin c supplements two weeks ago when i was trying to fight off a cold. the next week, i couldn’t believe how much my skin texture had improved. vitamin c is essential for the production of collagen and elastin that keeps skin toned and firm. it also helps regenerate vitamin e in the body (also super good for our skin)!!!
eat more foods with vitamin e. foods like avocados, almonds, olives, spinach, peaches, and tomatoes will make your skin v happy.
take your makeup off before a workout. i know this one seems so obvious but i honestly just started doing this. normally, i would go to the gym right after class when i still had makeup on. i don’t wear liquid foundation, but i would conceal or powder some areas. recently though, i’ve been going to the gym right when i wake up while my face is nice and clean and i think letting my pores breathe and sweat without the makeup on has helped so much!
reduce dairy consumption. for the past week or two, i unconsciously cut out a good majority of the dairy products i typically eat. even though this was unintentional, i began to notice that my skin was looking much more clear. conventional dairy products at the grocery store can contain antibiotics or added hormones that spike insulin in the body, causing breakouts. it can also lead to a rise in oil production that will fuel the breakouts. experimenting to see if this helps your skin could definitely be beneficial!
do not touch your face ever ever..never. just don’t touch your face. you may think your hands are clean but better safe than sorry.
sanitize your phone. !!!! think about this bc i think a lot of people forget but there is so much bacteria on that thing. clean your phone screen to reduce the bacteria that could come in contact with your face!
This is that fic I was talking about the other day, the one I wasn’t sure I wanted to post. I ended up writing TWO similar but distinct fics (different POV, different ending) based on the premise of this fic because I just kept tinkering with it, so this is the second version. The first one… idk, maybe I’ll toss it or maybe I’ll post it later for the curious among you.
Sterek high school AU, G, 1.7k words
Stiles thinks Scott is joking at first, mostly because he’s laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. “There’s a guy backstage asking for you by name. He’s got flowers.”
Stiles rolls his eyes and goes back to wiping the lipstick off his mouth. After four performances, he can get in and out of the dress and the wig in no time flat. He can even walk in heels without too much wobbling. But the lipstick? Bane of his existence. It still takes him a good five minutes of careful wiping and rubbing with petroleum jelly, and even then his mouth always has this odd orangish-coral tinge by the time he goes home for the night. By that point he’s usually too frustrated by the whole thing to even begin to bother with cleaning off the mascara.
Thank god this is closing night, and in a minute they can all go out for tacos and Stiles can set to work forgetting about lipstick for the rest of forever.
Scott’s still hovering at the door, anticipatory. “I think he likes you. Like, like-likes.”
“Ha ha,” Stiles says flatly. He tilts his head to the left and then to the right in front of the mirror, angling his face up into the lights. “Do you think I got it all?”
Scott gives him a careless glance. “Yeah, sure. Looks fine. But no, seriously, the girl who sells the tickets told me he’s shown up to every single performance.”
Scott isn’t joking. He’s laughing at Stiles (and okay, if their positions were reversed, Stiles would totally be laughing at Scott, too), but he isn’t joking. Fuck. Not even Stiles’ dad has come to every performance.
The Angels helping you after your first broken heart
Warnings : Angst
You used to think you were incapable of romantic feelings, that was, until you met him. He flipped your world around, made you feel things you didn’t even know were possible, and then, he dropped you as if you were nothing to him. It hurt more than any physical wound ever had.
You spent your nights in tears and your days trying to figure out what you did wrong. You were a mess, to say the least.
“(Y/n), you need to get outside.” Castiel held you in his lap, letting you rest your head on his chest. “The Winchesters are starting to pray to me in hopes that I’ll bring you back to them. I know you’re hurt-”
“Cas, please.” You almost sobbed. He noticed the tears in your voice and squeezed you a little tighter.
“Okay.” He whispered, resting his chin on your head. “I’ve got you..”
“There we go.” Gabriel hummed his contentment, turning you towards the mirror so you could admire his work. Your hair was curled, beautifully framing your face.
“Wow, Gabe.” You allowed yourself to smile at your reflection. You hadn’t done your hair or makeup since he left you, so the change took you off guard. “Thank you..”
“No, thank you for being my canvas.” The angel tugged on one of your curls and then let go, watching it bounce back in place. “You’re gorgeous, ya know that?” You shook your head, smiling a bit. It could have been mistaken for nervousness, but nothing ever got passed Gabriel. “I’m serious, (Y/n). Listen, I, um.. Well, I know that you’ve been questioning yourself lately. You don’t feel beautiful anymore and I hate that because when I look at you, I see absolute perfection. You truly are the finest thing my father ever created.” Your heart felt like a balloon by the end of Gabriel’s declaration. You didn’t know what to say, so you didn’t speak. You threw your arms around him and hugged him so tight that you felt him struggle for air. “C'mon, babe, women can only handle me in small doses. Don’t over do it.”
Balthazar had a different method of mending a broken heart and you couldn’t really say that you were disappointed.
“Alright, doll, drink up.” He handed you a small glass of amber liquid and you drank without hesitation. “Slowly.” Balthazar scolded with a grin.
“Shut up.” You waved him off, setting the empty glass on the table as the room began spinning. “Woah..” You swayed in your seat, falling over on the angel’s shoulder.
“Told you so.” He sighed, sipping on the liquor. “Nothing eases the human body like alcohol and sex.”
“One down.” You rolled over so that you could lay your head in his lap and look up at him. “How about the latter?” You winked.
“Oh, you would suggest that when you’re vulnerable and I have to say no, you little minx.” Balthazar groaned. “Another time.” He kissed your head and settled for running his fingers through your hair.
“I’ll kill him.” Lucifer promised. You shook your head, grinning at the fuming angel.
“Want to?” You joked, but you knew your jokes would fuel him. “Wanna be my accomplice?”
“Darling, I’ll do the job myself.” You knew he was serious. The devil would do anything for you as long as you said please.
“I don’t need him dead.” You sighed and watched his face fall with disappointment. “I want him to live a long life, knowing he lost the best thing that has ever happened to him. He’ll suffer.” You watched Lucifer’s mouth slowly turn into a sinister smirk.
“You really are malicious.” He purred, moving closer to you.
Burrito Blanket Batmom - Bruce Wayne/Batfamily x Reader
I kinda love the idea of a “burrito blanket” batmom haha, and since I thought the request from anonymous I received was quite similar, I mixed them up together. Hope you’ll like it, particularly you @dannysanime, as usual, feedbacks are very welcome :) :
It’s early in the morning when your youngest son finds you in the living room, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, eyes wide open and not really looking at anything in particular. You don’t even react as he approaches you.
-Mother ? Hey ? Mom are you alright ?
Finally, you turn your head to look at him, blanket all the way up to your chin and wrapped around your head (and all around your body really, your face the only thing peering out of this burrito you made of yourself), you say in a croaked voice :
Damian is immediately worried. It isn’t often, if not never, that you complain. That you let things get you down. You’re the cheery one of the family. You and Dick often are the ones that see the positive things in everything, so, seeing you there, laying on the couch without even the TV on, and looking as if you were completely done with life…Well, it worries your kid.
You realize that he’s concerned about your well being when he kneels in front of you, and put his palm on your forehead. Oh, sweet boy. If only everyone could see him as you saw him, if only he’d be as nice with everyone as he is with you…No one would ever call him “brat” anymore.
-I’m not sick honey, I’m just…I’m just….erf…
-…You’re just “erf” ?
You shrug your shoulder. Or at least, Damian thinks you shrug your shoulder, he isn’t really sure, seeing as you’re wrapped tightly in that damn comforter.
He’s not sure what’s wrong with you, but he still wants to help.
-Hum…Is there anything I can do for you ? Do you want coffee ? Something to eat ? Or do you want me to go put a movie on or something ? Anything, really ?
You smile weakly at him, and it makes him frown. Your smiles are never weak ! They’re always so bright, warm, beautiful ! They always make him feel better, not matter what. Awkwardly, he brushes a few fingers against your cheek, and your smile widens a little. Here. Better.
-You’re already doing a lot my boy.
“My boy”. He loved when you called him that. It made him feel…It just made him feel loved. And like a part of the family. Your son. But of course he was your son, you never saw him in any other way, even at the difficult beginnings…
He kept on brushing your cheek lightly, putting some strand of hair out of your face. You managed to take an arm out of your blanket, and caressed his hair lovingly, he laid his head next to yours, kneeling on the floor in front of you, and you just shared a sweet mom/son moment…So much that you both fell into a deep and comfortable slumber.