wow such snake

  • Junkrat: Alright, time for my daily shower!
  • Symmetra: There is no earthly way you shower every day.
  • Junkrat: 'Course I do!
  • (Goes outside)
  • Symmetra: Where is he going?
  • Roadhog: To the hose.
  • Symmetra: He showers with the hose?
  • Roadhog: Nobody ever said that.
  • (Meanwhile, outside)
  • Pharah: What should we do?
  • Mercy: I think it's best to let this one happen, dear.
  • Junkrat (hosing the dirt and throwing mud on himself): I'M TOTALLY USING THIS WATER SNAKE THE RIGHT WAY!
s t o r y t i m e  w/ em pt. 3/4(??)

so in the morning i usually take vitamins, birth control, and green tea extract triple fat burners, after my breakfast, but i was running late so i just threw my granola bar into my book bag to eat when i got to class. 

but as i was on the bus on the way to class, i felt so nauseous and i was like holy shit im going to vomit

and so i like ran off the bus and into the dining hall bathroom and into a stall and i didn’t even get the stall door closed before bending over and hurling

and this woman was in there and she comes into my stall and is like “hon are you okay?”

and i didn’t wanna be like yeah i took a lot of pills on an empty stomach because that would sound so stupid of me, so i thought it would be funny to be like “yeah, just pregnant” 

and she was like “omg congratulations!!!! how far along are you?” 

and i was like fuck i don’t know anything about pregnancy so i was just like 

“about 9 weeks!”

and she looks at my tummy and is like “omg you don’t look that far along! good for you! do you know the sex yet?”

and i was like holy shit when do you find out the sex i didn’t wanna say something that would blow my story so i was just like “no, we wanna be surprised!” 

and she was like “omg how exciting!” and started giving me all these pregnancy tips and stuff and i was just nodding along and what not and then she started asking me about the father and baby names and how we met and all this stuff

and so yeah guys apparently i’m married to a marine in training that i’ve known since we were babies in church child care together and fell in love in high school and we had to get married before he was sent to north carolina for base training and we’re so excited to start our little family of three including me, him, and either little Leah Kate or Carson Todd!!! yay!!!!!!!!!

so, in conclusion, i just bought myself a one way ticket to hell