worth-keeping

Alternative ending for Jane the virgin:

Jane and Petra slowly become closer and closer, realizing that none of the men in their lives are worth a damn, and the friction between the two of them actually comes from repressed romantic and sexual desire. They admit their love for each other and raise all three siblings together.

Jane loves and respects Petra’s never ending drive and need to push herself because of the deep poverty she comes from. Petra loves how funny and sweetly naive Jane is, and spends countless hours cross legged with a cup of coffee reading over Jane’s new books, amazed at how brilliant her wife, the mother of her children, is.

Petra helps build Jane’s self confidence and sense of self worth, while Jane helps keep Petra grounded and empathetic.

They still butt heads on occasion–they’re both so passionate about their beliefs–but they find ways to meet in the middle and work through it.

Aldo Petra’s mother never comes without a thousand miles of either of them ever again.

1309) it’s been almost two years since I’ve realized I was queer and only like 7 months since i realized i am a full on lesbian and I wanna be so unapologetically queer but I’m so scared to be. and I don’t have that big of a reason to be either but I’m just so weary of telling my family anything all the time and I think part of that is because I’m so used to being ignored or shut down. I know my family is accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals but still im weary to tell them. I also live in a highly conservative southern state (granted im in the most liberal part of it but still it’s not entirely safe) and some of my friends don’t get it. I’m afraid they’ll start acting weird around me and not want to hang out bc they’ll think I have a crush on them or something and I know that anyone like that isn’t worth keeping as a friend but at this point I’m feeling so completely lonely as it is and I’m just trying to hold on until I graduate next year. I’m only out to one person, and not even completely because I came out to him when I still thought I was bi. But he’s the only person who knows because he’s bi and he came out to me 3 years ago and I told him right after the pulse shootings in Orlando last summer and I just could not keep it inside me anymore I had to tell someone anyway this isn’t very coherent but this is my big gay Lonely rant also I want. A gf so bad but I can’t date a local obviously and the only girl I’ve ever almost dated backed away last minute bc she can’t do ldr and that is also v frustrating yeah thanks that’s it love u

The Crash of a Closing Door

This poem is very much a post!Final Resting Place poem and inspired by Juno Steel’s most self-destructive tendencies.
Warning for self-harm in the imagery?


Spit in my mouth
& I’ll call your name
Burn away the sorry
‘Til I’m left with okay
Everything looks better
In your hands anyway

Love me like a bruise
Forget me when I stop hurting
Who ever heard of religion
Sans martyrs
I’ll call your name
On my knees

I’ll call your name
Won’t you carve it in my stomach
Won’t you taste my breathing &
Be greedy
Leave me something I can nurse
That’s not really myself

Would you let me steal
The tip of your knife
Until my throat becomes a scar
Your syllables forever burned
As the only thing in my flesh
Worth loving & keeping secret

I’ll call your name like one more way
To brand myself a traitor


(Read my other Penumbra poems here)

“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.”

—Anonymous, What my therapist told me this morning

Things I Wish I Knew Early On

I’m entering my junior year of college and have been creating a list of things I wish I knew earlier than now, like back in middle school or high school. Learn from me with these things, and feel free to add-on whatever you think fits!

  1. Buy Victoria’s Secret underwear and bras. The quality is way better than anything else and definitely worth the money.
  2. Go to the movies by yourself. It may seem weird at first but it really isn’t. Plus you don’t talk anyway. Treat yo self.
  3. Begin saving money early on. Save it all up. Travel with the savings.
  4. Don’t waste all your money on cheap clothes. Don’t solely shop at stores like H&M and Forever 21. Get the latest trends from there and that’s it.
  5. Spend more money for higher quality clothes. Especially for jeans. But don’t buy $200 jeans. $50-$100 is plenty.
  6. Work hard. Get a job. Even if it’s crappy. The experience (and money) is important.
  7. Study hard. Even if it sucks. I regret not trying harder in high school and am pushing myself more now in college (thus this studyblr). Learn all the things.
  8. Simple basic items for clothes look cleaner and are easier. Don’t wear tons of patterns.
  9. Buy yourself a flannel. A good, soft one too. Flannels are amazing.
  10. If someone doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, don’t spend time with them. It’s not worth it.
  11. Don’t keep tons of knick knacks. You don’t need them.
  12. Keep a decorative box and put small memories in them each time you do things. Ticket stubs, wrist bands, fliers. Then when it’s full, go through it and enjoy all the memories. Then, throw them out after and start over.
  13. You don’t owe anyone anything. No explanations. No apologies. (Except maybe your family). When you choose to give them those things, it will mean more because you will actually mean it and want to mend your relationship.
  14. Watch the sunset. It’s fucking beautiful.
  15. If you are not comfortable, don’t do it. Leave the situation.
  16. Learn the balance between school, work, social, and personal lives. Put equal time into all four. Even your personal life.
  17. You are your own best friend and will have your own back, so spend time with yourself. Treat yourself (but not too often) and enjoy your own company.
  18. Talk to yourself. It is good to be able to have a conversation with yourself and think things through fully.
  19. Sometimes you have to be impulsive. It takes just three seconds of spontaneity to get yourself out of your comfort zone. Sometimes this means making new friends or overcoming a fear.
  20. Life will tear you down sometimes. It is okay to cry. But just remember, when you hit rock-bottom, there’s only up from there.

“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.”

!!

—  tinkerbell03 

wolpasaurus  asked:

I was wondering if you knew anything about the situation with Billy the Asian Elephant at the LA Zoo? I just received an email from the Zoo that a city council motion was filed to remove Billy from the zoo, and they're still trying to fight to keep him. A lot of people claim he appears stressed which is why there's been a big fight to get him moved. I don't really know a lot about elephants so I don't really know what side is best to take or what sources to take seriously (other than the Zoo).

I’ve been following the story of Billy pretty closely. I’m glad you asked - it’s the sort of thing I think is really important to talk about, because people need to understand what’s going on behind the nicely framed stories about animal activism you hear in the media, but I’m never sure how much of that sort of animal industry politics followers are interested in reading. 

The reason this specific instance is so important is because it’s a hell of a lot more complicated than ‘sanctuary vs zoo, which is better for the animals’. The decision to go after Billy - and only Billy, and only right now - looks to me like a really strategic political decision from the animal rights movement, and it falls in line with what I’ve been researching the history, evolution, and MO of the animal rights movement. As I’ve been learning more and more about how animal rights organizations and their partnered sanctuaries conquer and divide to achieve the change they want to see, a very specific pattern of action has started cropping up and this situation exemplifies how they’ve learned to use legislation, the legal system, and the good intentions of the general public to remove animals from zoos. This explanation is going to seem a little bit like jumping at shadows, but this method of petitioning cities to seize zoo animals as assets - and the really conveniently timed fallout that would result from their success - is textbook animal rights organization planning. 

So here’s what you need to know - if Billy is sent to a sanctuary, the LA Zoo would lose their AZA accreditation. They’d likely then be subject to the new wild animal performance law that’s got major support in LA right now, because only AZA institutions would likely have an automatic exemption. The combination of loss of accreditation, potential inability to do public education and outreach, and the ability of the AR groups to spin the situation as ‘AZA kicked them out for being abusive to their elephants’ would massively damage the viability of the zoo as an institution for the foreseeable future… at which point AR groups could easily petition the city to seize more animals from the collection and send them off to sanctuaries, because it’s now “well known” what a horrible institution the LA Zoo is. That would normalize the idea that animal rights organizations and city officials with no professional animal experience know more about animal welfare than the best zoological institutions in the country, and would set a scary precedent regarding what sorts of institutions the public will accept the animal rights organizations condemning and removing animals from. With that sort of potential fallout - and all of the pieces of the puzzle having been successful, individually, within the last decade or so in regards to other animal rights campaigns - this really is not about a single elephant at all. 


AZA has this one really important rule in their accreditation standards, and it boils down to: any zoo they accredit must be considered the experts and have final say over the care of their animals. If anyone external to a AZA accredited zoo overrules that zoo’s choice of care for their animals in any way, that zoo loses their AZA accreditation because they are no longer viewed as having ultimate control over the welfare of their charges. This is really important when it comes to elephants, as the Toronto Zoo lost their AZA accreditation over exactly this situation: animal rights activists caught wind of TZ’s plan to transfer their elephants to a facility in Florida where they’d live in a bigger herd, and petitioned the city council to send the elephants a the Performing Animals Welfare Sanctuary (the same one they want Billy to go to, which has a known history of uncontrolled tuberculosis infections on the property to this day). The Toronto Zoo is a municipal zoo - which means its animals were city property - and the city council chose to claim the elephants as assets, ignore the evidence of animals with active TB already living at the chosen facility, and then overruled the Toronto Zoo staff’s due diligence about what choice would provide the best welfare for their elephants and sent them away to PAWS. Having been overruled by the city council and having lost control of animals in their collection, the Toronto Zoo lost their AZA accreditation. (They later reapplied and were re-accredited). 

So, if the animal rights activists can convince the city council to claim Billy as an asset and remove him to PAWS, it would really damage the LA Zoo as an institution. Their credibility in the eyes of the public would be destroyed, they’d lose exemptions from federal legislation due to losing their AZA status; they’d be forced to pull out of multiple major SSPs (because only AZA institutions are allowed to house animals in the Green level programs, of which LA zoo has number); they’d likely lose grant funding. What’s more, the zoo would then be subject to the recent law banning the use of any exotic animal in “entertainment”in LA, because if has the same structure as similar legislation we’ve seen in other states, only AZA facilities get an exemption. If true, that would mean the zoo would no longer be able to do education and outreach programs with their animals (and this law was backed by PAWS, the organization that runs sanctuary they’re trying to send Billy to). 

There’s a very specific reason that this whole campaign centers on Billy, not all three elephants, which is part of what makes it so clear this is a campaign with an end goal of damaging the LA Zoo’s AZA accreditation. Billy’s two elderly companions, Jewel and Tina, would be far better candidates to be sent to a sanctuary if welfare is really the concern driving the advocacy. They’re rescues from a private owner who were massively underweight and had chronic medical conditions, and it’s not as important for them to stay within AZA’s management as other elephants because they’re too old to contribute to the Asian Elephant SSP. The LA zoo has previously been willing to send older elephants to the PAWS sanctuary without needing intervention from the city council (that story is discussed below), so why is this newer campaign ignoring the elderly females and bypassing the zoo entirely by going to the city council when their welfare would likely be more improved by that sort of move? Jewel and Tina don’t belong to the LA Zoo - they’re officially part of the San Diego Zoo collection and on loan to LA - which means the city council can’t claim them as assets and forcibly remove them. The only elephant at the LA zoo that the LA city council has the ability to control is Billy, and so it’s pretty clear this is about getting the city council to overrule the zoo’s choices in caring for their collection and not about which elephants would benefit most from leaving the zoo environment. 

This is an attempt by the animal rights industry to undermine the LA Zoo as an organization - that much is clear. Billy is just a convenient figurehead and an animal that the public will empathize with while being completely unaware of the the ulterior motives behind the advocacy effort. It comes at a delicate time, too, as the LA Zoo is currently in the process of developing a new master plan for the future of the facility. That’s a future that would be massively impacted by a loss of accreditation and all the potential fallout that would go along with it. 


So that’s the context to the Billy situation, and why people are fighting so hard on both sides of the issue. But what the public really cares about here isn’t the politics, it’s the animal welfare, so here’s a look at history and the welfare of the elephant at the center of all this furor. 

Billy at the LA Zoo. (Photo Credit: San Diego Blogs)

Billy is one of three elephants at the LA Zoo - he’s the youngest, at 32, and the only male. Billy is kept separated from his two elderly female companions, Jewel and Tina, because he’s young enough to still want to reproduce and would injure the elderly ladies if he tried to mount them. However, while the elephants are always separated by a barrier, the exhibit was designed with heavy-duty wire fences that meant the elephants could always be able to see, hear, and touch each other through it. The LA Zoo Asian elephant exhibit is one of the biggest elephant habitats in the United States at 6.5 acres (with almost four acres of yard space), and was opened in 2010 - the construction of a state-of-the-art habitat was part of the resolution from the first time animal rights activists demanded the elephants move to a PAWS sanctuary. 

In 2006, an elderly Asian elephant named Gita died at the LA Zoo. It’s not clear what led to her ending up in position she did, but she was found laying on her back legs with her front legs stretched in front of her. Nothing they did could entice her to stand back up, and she eventually died as her body weight crushed her own tissue and the toxins released during that process overloaded her kidneys. (While this sounds brutal, it’s worth keeping in mind that this is likely how many elderly large animals die if they lay down for the last time in a position that puts their weight on their own body). Animal rights activists had already been agitating for the LA Zoo’s elephants to be sent to a sanctuary, and they used Gita’s death as momentum to push for Billy and the other female housed there at the time, an african elephat named Ruby, to be transported to a sanctuary where it was claimed her welfare would be much higher than at the zoo. The LA Zoo eventually caved to public pressure and chose to send Ruby to PAWS (keeping their AZA accreditation by doing so voluntarily) where she was immediately housed with other animals without a proper quarantine period, exposed to animals who were TB positive and were not diagnosed until after death, and eventually died herself in 2011 from an unknown disease that looked suspiciously like TB (PAWS declined to send out samples for testing, despite what appeared to be physical symptoms observed during the necropsy). 

Gita at the LA zoo in 1999 in the old exhibit. ( Photo Credit: Al Seib / Los Angeles Times)

Billy remained at the LA Zoo after Ruby left, and the organization undertook a 42-million-dollar elephant exhibit renovation with the intention of bringing in another breeding male and a number of females as part of the Asian Elephant SSP. In 2007, local activists sued to halt construction of the exhibit with the goal of removing elephants from the LA zoo permanently and forcing Billy into a sanctuary - after a case that was drawn out for a number of years and repeatedly stalled exhibit construction, the judge assigned instead that the LA Zoo was allowed to continue exhibiting elephants but was required to exercise them frequently, make regular exhibit improvements such as tilling the soil, and banned the use of tools such as bullhooks and guides at the facility. When the new elephant exhibit opened in 2010, the LA zoo decided to put breeding plans for Billy on hold in order to house a pair of bonded female Asian elephants - Jewel and Tina - who had recently been removed from a private owner who had neglected their medical care. 

The three elephants share access to the large, heated elephant barn and have 24/7 access to five unique outdoor yards. Each yard has a substrate of soft sand that is tilled regularly to keep it from becoming compacted and hard - the shifting motion of the sand helps keeps the elephants in shape as they walk over it - and each yard has unique features like puzzle feeders, bathing pools and waterfalls. 

Browse and treats are placed at unique locations around all the yards each day, encouraging the elephants to explore their environment anew each morning. In addition, a comprehensive environmental enrichment program makes sure the elephants always have novel objects and stimuli to interact with and a daily training session (which the public is able to watch as a demonstration most days a week) keeps them mentally engaged by practicing foot care, grooming, practice for any veterinary behaviors that might be needed, as well as strength- and balance-focused exercises.

The AZA accreditation standards - which cover general animal policy in 34 pages, and use another 12 to cover animal interactions with the public or use in education programs - have dedicated 32 pages specifically to the regulations regarding elephant husbandry, training, nutrition, body condition, enrichment, and welfare assessments. As a large AZA-accredited zoo that frequently falls under the celebrity-studded, critical eye of the local populace, it’s inconceivable that Billy’s care (and that of Tina and Jewel) is not in accordance with these highly detailed requirements. 

Photos of the new LA Zoo elephant exhibit. (Photo credits: The Portico Group).

The LA Zoo’s elephant exhibit, finished in 2010, was designed by The Portico Group, a design firm founded in Seattle, WA in 1990. The Portico Group’s exhibit designs consistently awards every year within the industry for their incorporation of the newest animal welfare science and management technologies as well as educational and interpretive options. Their design for the LA Zoo is on par with the quality of the rest of their designs, and features a similar amount of yard space for the elephants as the design they created for the widely-praised Cheyenne Mountain Zoo’s Africa expansion that opened in 2013. 

Billy in his habitat at the LA Zoo. (Photo Credit: AP Photo/Richard Vogel)


One of the biggest reasons people express a concern for Billy is a head-bobbing behavior he’s been known to perform his entire tenure at the LA Zoo. The public is aware that repetitive behaviors (called stereotypies) can be signs of low quality welfare, and often worry that means that Billy isn’t being well taken care of at the zoo. However, one thing that isn’t commonly known about sterotypical behaviors is that once developed, they rarely go away once the animal is in a better welfare situation - which leads guests to often misunderstand an animal’s behavior as it relates to their current care. 

The LA Zoo has studied Billy’s head bobbing behavior over the years, and concluded that it appears to be an anticipatory behavior rather than one brought on by stress, as it mainly occurs when the elephant is awaiting the arrival of food, expecting a keeper interaction, or getting ready for movement into another area of his habitat. They also found that Billy had been noted to be displaying the head bobbing behavior when he came to the zoo at age 4 and that it was not something not something he developed during his life at the facility. 

Just because the behavior doesn’t mean that Billy has low welfare in his situation at the LA Zoo doesn’t mean the staff just want to leave him to bob and sway: to help decrease the amount of head-bobbing Billy does and engage him in a range of other behaviors, the keeper staff change their husbandry routine slightly each day and provide enrichment at different times in order to keep him investigating his environment instead of standing and waiting for regular occurrences. 


At the end of the day, Billy’s welfare does not appear to be the impetus pushing this current furor around “rescuing him” - he’s a convenient figurehead for what appears to be a well-coordinated attempt to undercut the LA Zoo’s credibility and accreditation status. 

But even though the actual welfare of the elephant is irrelevant to the organizations pushing this agenda, the general public is now very invested in understanding Billy’s welfare in regards to the outcome of this situation. 

The sanctuary animal rights activists are recommending Billy be sent to has multiple issues with basic elephant husbandry and medical treatment. PAWS was unable to evacuate their elephants in when threatened by a massive wildfire in 2015, due to their policy against doing even the most basic husbandry training with their animals that would have allowed them to be walked into a trailer or crated for transport. Instead, the animals were sheltered on site as the fire came within a few miles of the facility, putting them through massive amounts of stress and resulting in probable smoke inhalation. PAWS frequently take in animals that are reported as healthy upon transport, only to report having to euthanize them within a few years due to crippling chronic conditions. Most concerning is that PAWS appears to be plagued by frequent tuberculosis outbreaks among their elephants, potentially with multiple strains of the disease, despite their stated adherence to biosafety protocols -and that they have had at least one animal die while sick with active, contagious TB infections that were only discovered post-mortem. 

Billy is currently housed in a modern elephant habitat that was created in accordance with best practices for elephant management by outstanding architects - a remodel that was done specifically in response to the original welfare concerns about LA Zoo’s elephants in the late 2000′s. He has access to state-of-the-art veterinary medicine and is cared for by a dedicated team keepers who practice medical treatment behaviors, like foot care, with him daily to ensure that he can quickly receive treatment in a stress-free setting if it becomes necessary in the future. LA Zoo’s elephant keepers work hard to keep Billy active, mentally stimulated, and make sure he has plenty of positive social interactions with both the human and elephant members of his herd. 

If the goal of the general public is Billy’s welfare, he is far better off in a habitat designed for him to inhabit with the staff he has known for a better part of two decades than being sent across the country to a facility with massive red flags in their elephant management program just to fulfill a political movement’s agenda of damaging the facility that holds him. 


Citations under the cut. 

Keep reading

Reunion

“You grew up.”

He laughs, rough and edging just slightly on bitter.

“Yeah, that happens when you disappear for two years.”

Derek’s eyes flit downward, and Stiles waits for him to comment on the FBI vest strapped to his chest but he doesn’t. His eyes only go so far as Stiles’ mouth, flicking back to his eyes and then down again, lingering, before sliding away. A warmth blooms out from Stiles’ chest, crawling up his neck and coiling downward, and this definitely isn’t the time for this but they haven’t seen each other in a year and a half, not even pictures because why the hell would Stiles have a picture of Derek (and he’s spent too long cursing not having pictures of Derek) and he finds his own eyes lingering.

“…You look exactly the same.” And that’s not true because Derek actually looks better, but there’s no real way to explain that Stiles hadn’t been able to hold all of the goddamn perfection of Derek’s face in his memory. He’d thought he had, but his eyes keep flitting around now and holding, catching on little details, little rushes of rediscovery in those eyes, that jaw, his teeth, his mouth, his…

Stiles wets his lips, and Derek’s looking again.

“We should––”

“I should have called,” Derek says at the same time, and Stiles blinks, breaking off, confusion pinching his brows because Derek hadn’t known Stiles was coming. He’d had no reason to call. Except… “After… Peter told me what happened, and I…”

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but it wasn’t any less fine than anything else from that shit show. It wasn’t any worse than Derek leaving town and getting rid of his phone to begin with.

“I felt sick the whole time you were gone,” Derek presses on, quick and urgent, like the words had been fighting for months to bubble loose and are finally breaking free. “I felt… Cora said it seemed like I’d just… emptied out. On the full moon, I could barely––”

Stop it.” It stung, because he’d thought Derek would care. For the longest time he’d felt like Derek should care, and deciding he didn’t was the first stepping stone to pulling himself together after… after the Benefactor.

Or… fuck, maybe Derek had cared, but he hadn’t cared enough to stay, to keep in contact, to check in when Stiles had needed… needed someone.

No, fuck. Needed him.

“This isn’t the time,” he says, firmly, because a fucking FBI SWAT team is nearby somewhere and there’s still a target painted on Derek’s back, and the fact that Stiles wants to crawl onto his lap and beat the crap out of him at the same time doesn’t matter, because Stiles is here to save his life. Again.

Derek parts his lips, looks like he wants to argue… and ends up just nodding, looking away up the street.

Stiles makes it a whole three steps toward the next corner before swinging back on him, balled fist smacking his bicep.

“Why didn’t you call?”

Derek doesn’t flinch at the blow. Sighs softly. When he meets Stiles’ eyes, the look in them’s enough to send months of coiled anger scattering.

“I would have gone back.”

“…What?” Stiles feels breathless on the word. Derek looks away, hands lost in the depths of his pockets and stance set in the defeated posture of a man with no way to win.

“If I’d heard your voice. If you’d asked. If you’d even sounded anything less than happy––” He grits his teeth, sharp and sudden, head ducking against some ugly thought. “…And I didn’t want to hear you happy, either.” That falls out lower, tight and rough like a secret shame.

“You didn’t want to hear me happy,” Stiles echoes, numb, and then slowly: “Without you.”

And he only understands Derek’s meaning because it’s been echoing in his own chest for over a year–– that stupid, selfish war of wanting to know he’s happy, and not wanting to know he’s happy, not wanting to hear him making a life and finding bliss in a way Stiles couldn’t give him. He’d always wanted to know Derek was doing well, so much that he’d lain up at night sometimes picturing new, bright, sometimes ridiculously corny futures for him… but the thought had always been as agonizing as it was hopeful and Stiles had never slept well afterward. And then he’d spent other nights up hating himself for being selfish enough to half-hope Derek might not be happy.

Might fail out there in the world, and come home.

Derek’s eyes are on his again, wide and shock-soft in a way Stiles had only glimpsed on him once before: the rush of thinking you’re alone in the world and realizing for one beautiful instant that you’re understood

He can feel a matching expression lighting up his own eyes.

“We’re idiots,” he breathes, and Derek shakes his head, barely seeming to feel the movement.

“I couldn’t go back there.”

“But you could have known I fucking missed you as much as––” He breaks off, despite everything suddenly unsure. “…you missed me?”

“I missed you.” Derek promises, not missing a beat.

“You missed me,” Stiles echoes, and it’s everything he never knew he needed to hear. They watch each other for too long, stunned, awed stillness.

And then the slam of a car door in the distance pulls them back; reminds them where they are and what’s happening. Derek blinks away, looking out and alert toward the street, but Stiles can see a faint flush around his ears, a happy pull that won’t quite die on his lips.

“This isn’t the time,” Derek says, and Stiles nods. There are villains to stop. People to save.

“This isn’t the time,” he echoes, but he’s smiling as he turns to head up the street. “Later.”

It sounds like a promise worth keeping.

As time passes, the bonds between the IPRE increase and that probably increases the power of the engine. Right at the beginning, though, as they’re racing away from one of the early worlds, Davenport has the sinking realization that it’s not enough. The engine is not running on enough power to outrun the apocalypse again, and of course it isn’t, because it was designed for a leisurely two-month exploration and not a high-speed chase. They’re not going to make it. And he thinks his crew must realize that, too, because they’re all nervously glancing out of the windows as he narrowly evades another deadly blow. 

Damn it all, they’re his responsibility, they look to him for guidance and he’s going to get all of them killed because he couldn’t do the one thing he’s best at well enough. They’re good people and they don’t deserve this. He doesn’t know why, but suddenly it’s vital that they all know that they’re more to him than just strangers. 

“If we don’t make it out of this,” he calls over his shoulder, “I want you all to know that it was an honor to travel with you.” He can’t turn his attention away from where they’re going, but he can feel their stares on his back. And, because he’s the best at what he does, he can feel the ship shudder slightly under him, gaining the smallest surge of extra energy in the engine. 

The bonds engine, which runs on bonds. Fuck.

Davenport calls out again, this time with far less gravitas: “If any of you want to, I don’t know, hug it out or something now would be a great time.”

It takes a moment for them to catch on, but they’re his crew, so of course they do.

“I think you have beautiful eyes!” It’s Barry, suddenly the approximate complexion of a tomato, and he’s got his face in his hands seconds later so it’s not even clear who he was talking to but the outburst sets the rest of them off.

“Lucretia, you have lovely handwriting even though I can’t read a damn word!”

“Magnus, for the love of whatever gods are watching, you are very brave but please stop getting yourself killed?”

“Those cupcakes without the icing that you made are kickass, Taako!” (And, somewhere in the background an indignant shriek of “Muffins? Do you mean muffins, Magnus?”)

“You make the best coffee at three in the morning which is some kind of fucking lost art, and that’s the only reason you’re allowed to correct my notes even though I was absolutely right about that last equation you erased, wasn’t I?

That was an accident, Lup - Merle I think your approach to both horticulture and religion are… uniquely inspired.”

“Davenport, you are a very brave leader and I appreciate all of the difficult decisions you make.”

They’ve almost got it. They’re almost there, they might make it after all, they just need a little more power. It comes from a very unlikely source.

“That’s just our luck, right?” Taako is looking out of the window, and he sees what Davenport sees, that the force chasing them is still just a little too fast. “Finally get used to having these chucklefucks around and now we’re gonna get eaten. Finally find some people worth keeping and boom, apocalypse. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

Everyone is staring again. Taako’s ears twitch lower as he realizes what he’s just said, aloud, at a clearly audible volume and obviously unintentionally. Magnus sniffles a little, clearly moved, and mutters “Aw, dude.”

Lup sneaks up on Taako and hugs him from behind, holding him firmly in place as Magnus and then the others join in. Davenport is the only one who notices the moment when they outrun the Hunger one more time, just barely slipping through its grasp.

(Davenport considers organized bonding activities after that, but he watches his crew make a mess of breakfast together the next morning, and he realizes that isn’t necessary.)

how do you know when it's working you ask?

easy, the minute you stop and tell yourself, I want to do something with my life


& the seed will continue to grow in you until death

and eternal beauty and rewarding treasures will find you,

understand this will not be easy,

BUT MAKE SURE YOU NEVER FUCKING GIVE UP YOU ARE A TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER!!! YOU ARE WORTH ANYTHING YOU DESIRE!!!

KEEP ON FIGHTING THE FUCKING DEPRESSION!!!!

30-9-17

Aries: Festoon the world in the remnants of all the fucks you once gave. They aren’t doing you any good and they’ll make for festive decorations.

Taurus: Do not eat the beans. They’ve begun sprouting legs and we want to see where this goes, but a batch got mixed into the food bin…so. Err on the side of caution.

Gemini: Feed them to the wolves. They’ve done the same to you. Sometimes there’s no room in your chest for forgiveness.

Cancer: Listen.
No really, just listen.

Leo: Rabbit skulls make interesting hand puppets.

Virgo: Keep your demons close. They’ll keep you warm.

Libra: Sometimes no one can tell if the noises exiting your mouth are just wheezing grumbles of displeasure or a cry for help. It could be both. Who knows. 

Scorpio: The nightmares won’t go away on their own. Feed them sweetmeats, lure them into a cage, and then set them aflame.

Sagittarius: Your heart beats too fast and loud to have a high stealth stat.

Capricorn: If you put a tally mark on your arm every time you decide you’ve fucked up, you’re going to run out of room in a day and it will only decrease your sense of self worth.
Keep track of something else - Like how many flowers you see or some shit.

Aquarius: No one can make your choices for you, but that won’t stop them from trying. Destroy them.

Pisces: Thinking is very bad for you. It causes thoughts. Never good when you have those.

Russ, J. (1983). How to suppress women’s writing. University of Texas Press.

The cover of Russ’s book does an excellent job of summarising its main argument: that women’s writing is deliberately devalued in a range of ways. It’s on the wrong subject matter, it’s the wrong genre, it’s morally objetionable, it’s not proper art. In 1983 Russ wasn’t writing specifically about fan fiction (yet), but fan fiction readers and writers will recognise these tactics employed against them. “She wrote about men banging! And it most definitely isn’t art - it’s derivative and unoriginal!”

One of my favourite moments in the book comes towards the end, when after some self-reflection Russ realises that she and other white women within academia and the feminist movement have been employing exactly the same tactics to devalue Black women’s writing. With recent debates on race in both fandom and Fan Studies, this powerful moment of realisation is worth keeping in mind.

Image description:

The cover of How to suppress women’s writing by Joanna Russ, which consists of the following text:

She didn’t write it. But if it’s clear she did the deed… She wrote it but she shouldn’t have. (It’s political, sexual, masculine, feminist.) She wrote it, but look what she wrote about. (The bedroom, the kitchen, her family. Other women!) She wrote it, but she wrote only one of it. (“Jane Eyre. Poor dear, that’s all she ever… “) She wrote it, but she isn’t really an artist, and it isn’t really art. (It’s a thriller, a romance, a children’s book. It’s sci fi!) She wrote it, but she had help. (Robert Browning. Branwell Brontë. Her own “masculine side.”) She wrote it, but she’s an anomaly. (Woolf. With Leonard’s help…) She wrote it BUT

Kojima in the Nutshell
  • Hideo Kojima: makes a game ahead of it's time about the responsibilities we have to preserve the free flow of information so that the next generation may learn from it. The game also discusses issues like goverment censorship and the dangers of one group deciding what information is worth keeping and passing down.
  • Also Kojima: makes an entire bloodline of characters whose legacy is shitting their pants in the line of duty. Proceeds to use them for endless poop jokes.

 before i say anything else about all my thoughts and feelings on 210…

I LOVE THAT NICOLE IS MARRIED

yes, it’s something to be talked about big time between wayhaught. yes, it’s a big ‘ol ugly secret. not technically a lie but sins of omission.. yeah yeah yeah it is what it is.

But seriously, this is something I have never witnessed be addressed in lgbt rep. It’s something I never expected to see. And it’s so personal to me.

Personal story time literally nobody asked for: I got married shortly after the repeal of DADT in Washington DC at the ripe old age of almost 20. I was young, dumb, and in the military. I was also extremely aware of the history, the battles that lead to small political victories. A lot of us were. And a lot of us did get married simply because we finally could. It was a huge deal then - not too fucking long ago.

Same thing but on a much larger scale throughout the US: after the US Supreme Court “ruled” on the federal legalization of gay marriage, a literal fuck ton of us got married just out of the sheer euphoria at the fact that we could. It was monumental for us to have this right. So, some of us (a lot of us) jumped straight (lol) for it.

Did that mean a lot of young people getting married before they were in anyway ready for marriage? yeah, big time. 

I am one of those people who is still technically married just because divorce takes time. It takes a ton of time, a decent amount of money, and a significant (excruciating) toll on a twenty-something-year-old’s heart and mind.  

So allow me, if you will, to paint you a picture. You’ve been watching the politics play out the entirety of your young adult life. You’ve got a girlfriend who you love. The battles so many generations before you have fought and died for have finally, slowly, painfully, been won. You partake in the victory not just for your life and your love, but in the name of those who have fought and died for this before you. The weight of this victory is not lost on you in the slightest. So you get married. A year (if that) later, it doesn’t work out. Like about half of all marriages, yours fails. But divorce is expensive. It’s approximately one trillion times harder to get divorced than it is to get married. So, a few years later, you’re still legally married. You’ve met the absolute love of your life, and you are still married. You still have a wife out there who you don’t talk to. You are not in each other’s lives, but you’ve got that title still.

That is my exact situation right now as I’m writing this. And I never thought I would see that issue on TV. It is a real issue in the LGBT (well let’s throw the blanket term “gay” on it as I’m talking about gay marriage in particular) community. A lot of us are in real, committed, loving relationships but we have actual spouses still. This is a real issue in so many of our lives. And idk if Emily meant to write this in because she is aware this issue effects a lot of us or not, but it’s amazing to me that I am seeing myself actually represented not just as a lesbian, but as a lesbian who rushed into a marriage.

If I went to the hospital right now at this moment in some near death situation, my actual wife would be called. My gf who I live with, have the happiest and best relationship I’ve ever been blessed with, and plan on marrying someday would most definitely be the one by my side, but my actual wife may show up. 

Now, my gf knows about my wife. She’s still my wife. I can’t call her my ex-wife yet. Not legally. I told my gf before we even started dating about my whole situation. Yeah we’re separated. Yeah, the only time we talk is about legal stuff. But the fact remains, I am a married woman.

Now, let me add something really emotional to this picture: divorce fucking sucks. When you go for a divorce, there are certain feelings that come along with it that never go away like fucking scars. You feel like a failure. You feel stupid. You feel unlovable and dirty and shameful and guilty and like you aren’t worth it. You suddenly can’t stand being around your own friends anymore because they’re married and having kids. Everything is a reminder that you failed somehow, even when you know it’s not your fault. No matter what the reason for the divorce was, you are shattered. All the love in the world from your soulmate you might find later on doesn’t totally banish those feelings. Some days, you don’t even think about it. Some days, it hits you like a sack of bricks that you weren’t worth keeping promises to. Divorce is by far the most painful experience I’ve had, and I’ve broken a lot of bones and been through my share of disowned by family, going to sleep starving shit.

So it is not crazy at all that Nicole, who fell fast and hard for a girl she did not expect in a million years to light up her life the way she did, hasn’t found the right way to bring this thing up. Wayhaught has been together how long at this point? A few months? I’m guesstimating 4 at most? I find it hard to feel any kind of mad at Nicole for not bringing this up yet. It sucks to talk about because it hurts to you, who went through the pain of a failed marriage, and you have to consider how to not hurt the other person who loves you now with the fact that you had a commitment to another person in the past. A serious, legal one. It’s a shit position to be in. It’s a nearly unwinnable situation. And it’s one that takes time to process for the other person. There is a fat chance this marriage that isn’t valid to you anymore turns off the other person because it speaks to your flaws from a time when you were young, dumb, and reckless, and promised somebody else your love. I don’t blame Nicole at all for not bringing it up yet. Maybe that’s because I know the feeling. Maybe because like, when has there been the time for such a big discussion?

Honestly, the reason I told my gf about being married when I did, the way I did, was because I was trying to keep her from liking me. When we first met, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had just gotten out of one literally days before we met at a concert. Then she starting hanging out at my place because my roommate was dating her friend. I knew she liked me, so I gave her all the dirt on me: I’m married, I drink, I’m a writer, I’m broke, I’m medicated, I have a bad leg, all the negative things. “I’m married” is not a good way to start a conversation. That will keep the ladies away, usually. I mean, ultimately in my life, it was good to have all the bad things in my past out in the air, and our relationship is like the funniest, best love story I’ve ever seen.

But let’s look at life in fucking Purgatory. All the times both Nicole and Waverly have been attacked, been nearly dead, maybe been actually dead, been possessed. They fight demons. Their lives aren’t normal, and they are always in danger. Bringing up a topic like legal marriage? As someone who is married and has been separated for years, there are days I don’t even think about or remember that I’m married anymore. It’s just not something that’s part of your life when you get caught up in school/work/puppy training/what have you. It’s not something on Nicole’s mind always, I can guarantee you that. And when she does think, oh maybe I should bring this up now, something insane like oh, my girlfriend’s possessed takes precedence. 

That was super long and unsolicited, but I think important. Nicole has always been an important character to me, but now exponentially more so because an issue has been addressed that does touch so many queer lives. I feel represented in a way I didn’t know I needed until I saw it tonight.

I want to say that I get why some people are mad about Nicole being married, but honestly, no. Sit down. Take a look at the community around you and real issues we deal with in our real lives. If you don’t want to see the hard part of our lives portrayed, what the hell are you talking about when you cry about wanting representation? If all you want to see women kissing and smiling, go watch porn. It’s just as realistic as this “representation” you say you want. You want positive representation, that is what we are getting in a way I feel so blessed to be witnessing. We have real characters in the media reflecting real struggles. We have a bisexual woman in a small town who is extremely apprehensive and makes rash decisions because she’s been through hell. We have a lesbian with a protector impulse which makes her prone to bad judgement calls but very good at her job, and she’s got a past that echos what so many of us lesbians living in the real world are going through. So, no, sincerely reexamine what it is you want these characters to be, because it’s not good representation. It’s fake. And it’s not doing anyone any favors. 

tl;dr: Nicole is the rep of my dreams. Learn some history. Fight me.

good morning! this is a reminder to love yourself by force. lie and tell yourself nice things you don’t believe. accept somebody’s compliment without shrugging it off. battle your own mind every chance you can to change your own perception of yourself. i know it’s hard. i know sometimes it seems impossible. but even if you look in the mirror once and don’t hate yourself for a split second, it’s worth it for that. even if you say something that sounds stupid and you don’t admonish yourself for it, it’s worth it. keep fighting friends.