worrying about myself

on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.

you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five.  the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.

and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.

you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.  

maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -

“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”

3

Hellooooooo Dr. Fitz

His || Jungkook || 0.18

Member: Jungkook x Reader

Type: Angst, Fluff, Smut.

Teaser | 0.1 | 0.2 | 0.3 | 0.4 | 0.5 | 0.6 | 0.7 | 0.8 | 0.9 | 0.10 | 0.11 | 0.12 | 0.13| 0.14 | 0.15 | 0.16 | 0.17 | 0.18

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BEST FRIEND

This word now and days can mean two or more things: 1.) someone you can count on in the time of need. 2.) someone you can be your crazy ass around with and share memes that you know might end both of your asses in hell for laughing at them. And 3.) someone you can call on when a bitch think your still playing games in 2017

Here is my opinion on the Mars Signs, as BEST FRIEND

ARIES MARS: 


Stereotypical, yes, you can call their crazy ass to a fight. But don’t bother trying to tell them to ‘fucking chill’ because they are the ‘head strong’ type of best friend and are not passive to defend themselves against even their closest friends’ bullshit. Will explode on you for doing them wrong, or saying/doing some dumb shit. 

TAURUS MARS:


This is that mom in your group of friends who always seems to have their life together and won’t break down, ever. Advice is always given but if they see it’s just going through one ear to the other, your on your own. And once they cut you out of their life, that’s it. No catching up again in two years, no happy birthdays on your Facebook feed, not even a hello to your mother who keeps asking about them. The ‘once I’m done, I’m done’ best friend.

GEMINI MARS:


Thinks they are always right and that anyone who disagrees is below them. There is no point arguing with them, even if they are in the wrong, they will still try to win the argument. Thinks they are better than you and will prove themselves til the day they die. Many find them annoying and will stop talking to them, after a few conversations. Will give opinion, even if not asked. But if you can handle this and or love a good mind prodding, this person is for you. ‘Smart ass’ type of best friend.

CANCER MARS:


Thinking this one won’t be as bad? Your wrong. This is the type to double cross your ass on the court and act like everything is okay when you break your ankles. They feel a lot and will constantly need to be told that yes, you value them and the friendship. Moody and emotional, sometimes you might wonder why you stick around them. But then they just surprise you with some shit and you forget about it. The ‘thrower of shade behind your back shade but will also buy you food to make up for it’ best friend.

LEO MARS:


Insult them or their interests, get ready for a semi-dramatic show of a mix between ‘coming for your edges’ and ‘shut up, your just hating’. Not sure if they know that yes they too, have faults. No one is perfect. Well, they seem to think they are. Loyal af, at times. Has a hard time letting some things go, must defend til the end. ‘Sometimes-annoying-but-you-still-fuck-with-them’ type of best friend.

VIRGO MARS: 


Honestly, this one is complicated. Can range from being a perfectionist over their life that was fine five days ago but now some bullshit popped up, and they over-whelmed themselves over some tiny shit. Something always pisses them off, and or makes them annoyed. Always knows how to fix everyone else’s lives, but can barely fix their own. Will be distant and get moody when things don’t go their way. The ‘I told your ass that would happen’ best friend. 

LIBRA MARS:


That one person in your group of friend who thinks they have their life together, and will put on the show that they do. But- they procrastinate on everything.  Probably be the same one to be late on graduation day because they were hungry. Will seem clingy sometimes, but its because they care. Or so I’ve been told. Honestly, the friendship is gonna be a semi-cycle of you always reminding them to do something or the other. The ‘I’m more worried about you then myself’ type of best friend. 

SCORPIO MARS:


Your never really sure if this is just a friendship or something more, they don’t really let out much on their own behalf. Yet, will let you vent to them anytime, quietly collecting your dirty laundry just in cause you decide to pull the wrong move and betray their trust. Might get jealous of outsiders coming between the two of you, but will cover it to deal with later.  A good hider of emotions behind a friendly mask. The ‘okay, we will see’ type of best friend.  

SAGITTARIUS MARS:


Might impulsively do something that you both regret later but remember it as a good memory. Will get in fights/arguments but will forget about them and move on the next day. Always down to do some wild shit, but also talk about things that are not considered appropriate to talk about to other people. They tend to get aggressive with certain things, sometimes more than less at times. The ‘wild and kinda-serious’ or ‘good mix-ish’ type of best friend. 


CAPRICORN MARS:


Almost too serious and your always trying to cheer them up. Some shit is happening or they are worrying about some shit with someone close to them- worry, stress and won’t confess for them. Rather suffer in the shadows than deal with people getting in their business. Will go through the five stages, and in the end, just say “it’s life” and shrug while you didn’t even know what the fuck is going on. Kinda gotta tip-toe around them, but once your friends with them, y’all are friends. The ‘don’t worry about me, worry and improve yourself’ type of best friends.


AQUARIUS MARS:


Not exactly passive, but is not willing nor wants to deal with your bullshit. Does not care for your opinion about their life, because they know what they need to improve on. But doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so they listen to your rants over some guy/girl who is playing games with you or how your so called ‘friends’ keep trashing you like, ??? What do you want them to do? They’ll listen, and give their two cents, but besides that- don’t come at them with a problem with no plans of finding a solution. The ‘honestly, couldn’t care less but whatever ’ type of best friend.


PISCES MARS: 


Seems moody and is, their mood shifts with the environment around them. One person gets mad at some shit, they get mad at some shit. Worried about everyone’s opinions about them and tries to not offend everyone. Eventually learns that people will hate for no reason and for some dumb reasons. Blows off irrational emotions instead of dealing with them. But their someone you can come to trust, eventually. The ‘I’m ready when you are’ or ‘a gauge between heaven and hell’ type of best friend. 

And any voices in our heads?
There might be voices in our heads
But I swear, the voices there
Will be the regular kind

(and there’s still voices in jeremy’s head, but louder than them, louder than the voices telling him everything he’s doing wrong, why he’s doomed, why he’s going to die alone, is michael’s voice in his ears, telling him everything he does right, why he deserves everything, why he loves him.)

(and maybe that doesn’t drown it out; maybe he can still hear those voices in the back of his head, but michael is there. he’s there, and he’s laughing, and jeremy’s chest tingles with warmth - and it helps. michael is there, and he loves him, and he helps.)

(and that’s all jeremy could ever ask for.)

can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a soft boyf riends content 

  • person with epilepsy: i'm going to use a wheelchair today so i can shop without worrying about hurting myself too much in case I have a seizure
  • person with epilepsy at the grocery store: *briefly stands up to reach something on a tall shelf to add to their cart*
  • them: OH I SEE ANOTHER LAZY FAKE DISABLED LIAR FOR ATTENTION STEALING FROM THE REAL DISABLED WHO I ALSO DON'T CARE ABOUT.
  • person with epilepsy: you know... there are other reasons people use wheelchairs for besides completely not being able to walk?
  • person with epilepsy: are you actually saying I should chance having a seizure in here and hit my head on the hard ass ground and possibly concuss myself at a much higher risk than if I am able to use this wheelchair.
  • them: well i didn't think of that because I'm an ableist fuck. (:

Me, scrolling through the Voltron tag: Do you guys… do you guys even like this show???
Like are you sure??? You say you like it but don’t seem to be having much fun???

1.
It’s been 3 years since I’ve last written a sonnet. It’s been 3 years since I’ve truly picked up a pen and bled.
2.
I’ll never have my shit together. There will always be days where I sob in the shower; where I let the water scorch my back and run down my cheeks in rivulets. I’ll have my dry spells-I’ll have times where my back is arched from the pain of simply existing, but I’ll make do; I always make do.
3.
HER writing may always be more sophisticated than mine.
Maybe I’ll be saddled with my teenage angst well into my twenties.
Maybe my mind is only capable of concocting convoluted plots of girls with too many feelings and not enough outlets. HER words were made to be spilled from powerful lips, and to resemble that of nuanced wisdom. Mine were made from honey and blood and spit and the codeine coated tears of an ap student running off of 3 hours of sleep.
4.
“And there’s this haunting song. This, beautiful, breath-taking, haunting song on. And we’re just cruising down Ford Ave. ya’ know? Not doing much of anything; not looking for anything in particular. B-but it’s like, in that moment, where the song was nearing it’s end, and the car was slowing to a stop at the light and he started humming the words. It was at that moment where I wanted to clutch onto his arm and beg him to take his foot off the brake, to hit repeat, to never stop humming, to never stop being here, in this moment, with me.”
5.
There are lessons to be learned in madness, like:
How to keep the blood from rushing out of you when someone’s words cut deeper than expected.
How to keep the food down when the urge to feel lighter comes.
How to float on freshwater in the spring time when the pollen seems to clog the flow of life.
How to keep breathing.
In and out.
Over and over.
In and out.
Repeat.
—  THE BEAUTIFUL BURDEN OF OVERTHINKING // k.m.

I swear, S/U cri/tical has gone from “I love the show, but I have a few concerns I’d like to address” to “HAHAHA THIS SHOW SUCKS I DON’T UNDERSTAND COLOR PALETTES OR LIGHTING OR KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANIMATION BUT I WATCH A LOT OF STUFF SO I’M AN EXPERT AND I GOTTA TELL YOU THIS REALLY SUCKS ALSO I NEED TO BE SPOON FED EVERYTHING BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND SERIALIZATION OR A LONG GAME UNLESS IT’S IN A SLOW BURN FANFICTION BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT BECAUSE IT’S MY OTP.”

It’s okay to be slow when you’re making art.

So I kind of wanted to make a post about this.

I know some of you look around, and you see all these artists making such beautiful art in time spans of like an hour or a few hours, and then you look at your work and you get so demoralized because you’re taking so long.

I’m here to tell you that that’s perfectly okay. You’re not other artists. You are you, and your work defines you. If you need to take 10 hours, or even days to complete your art piece, it is okay, because it’s yours. You’re doing your best to make your art what you want it to be, and just because you can’t do it in a few hours like other artists do, it doesn’t make the value of your work any less. In fact, your patience and perseverance is absolutely admirable.

Take your time. You’re using your hands to create something that you love. Don’t let the people around you that you see hinder that in any way. You will definitely get faster in time, but if you give up now, thinking that you’ll always be this slow when you make art, you’ll never reach that stage. This applies not only to art, but also to other skills that you’re trying to pick up.

So look at what you yourself are doing, instead of looking around at others. Don’t worry too much, and enjoy yourself in the process of creation and learning! :)