Alright breath Y/N breath. I stared down at the review packet for my chemistry test tomorrow—or I guess technically today. I thought as I looked at my clock on the far wall. Shit. I pushed off the papers from my lap getting up from my bed walking to the bathroom.
I had been studying for about five hours will and I was drained—I should have really been working on my history paper that was due on Monday. Usually I could get it done during the weekend with some help from Peter but this weekend was jam packed with my cousin’s wedding. I pushed the door open to my bathroom and began getting ready for bed. It was late—and I had to get at least some sleep. I washed my face quickly before traveling toward my bed pushing the papers of off it before collapsing on top it. I turned off the lights yawning. My eyes closed pulling the blankets over me.
I turned around in my bed yawning again. I was exhausted but I couldn’t fall asleep for some reason, my mind running about a thousand mile a minute. I pushed off my bed grabbing a sweater pulling it on heading toward the window. I opened it slowly before climbing out on the fire escape. I closed the window the sounds of early morning queens burying around me. I walked down the fire escape stairs before knocking on the glass of the room below mine. There was silence before I knocked a little harder biting my lip.
“Y/N?” Peter whispered opening the window peering out at me.
“Hi.” I mumbled to my boyfriend as he yawned running his hand through his already messy hair.
“What—what are you doing here?” He asked leaning forward.
“I—I can’t sleep.” I breathed. “And I’ve been studying for the chemistry test for like the entire night—and there’s the health project that I still haven’t started. And I that history paper and—”
“Y/N.” Peter interrupted as tears filled my eyes. “Hey it’s okay.” His hand reached toward mine.
“Can—can I come in?” I asked. Peter nodded helping me through the window. Once inside I wrapped my arms around his bare chest burying my head into the crook of his neck.
“Shhh.” His arms wrapped around my waist. “It’s gonna be okay. I can help with your paper—and you will do amazing on that test—you have been studying all week.”
“We have the wedding this weekend.” I mumbled. “We don’t have time—”
“Yes we will.” He pulled away kissing my forehead. “We got this Y/N.” He grinned. “But the most important thing you need to do to get rest.”
“Can I stay here?” I mumbled. “I can’t sleep.”
“Of course.” He smiled. “As long as you don’t push me off the bed.”
“It’s not my fault that you have a twin bed Parker.” I grinned.
“Hey!” He frowned. “I like my bed.” I laughed pulling myself from his grip before walking over to climbing into his bed. He followed drawing the blankets over us. He pulled me closer wrapping his left arm under my back as I rested my head on his upper chest. I sighed as his right hand connected with mine on his chest. “You know I was thinking about this wedding.” He whispered.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“I’m excited to see you in that dress.”
“Peter!” I blushed.
“N-not like that!” He stuttered. “I just meant you will look really pretty.” I blushed as his thumb moved against mine.
“Well thanks.” I mumbled.
“Try not to look too pretty sweetheart.” He grinned. “You aren’t supposed to look prettier than the bride.” I blushed my hands detaching from his to run down his chest. My fingers traced his abs lightly.
“Can you quiz me?” I asked.
“What?” He whispered.
“On chapter ten.” I mumbled. “For the test tomorrow.”
“Come on Peter.”
“Go to sleep Y/N.” He sighed.
“You haven’t even tried.” He sighed. I frowned looking up at him, the pale light around us lighting his face.
“It doesn’t matter—I can’t sleep.”
“Close your eyes Y/N.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I will if you quiz me.”
“No!” Peter whispered louder. “Y/N you know everything that is going to be tested, just close your eyes. You won’t do well if you don’t get any rest.” I frowned. “Just breath babe.” I closed my eyes as he clutched me tighter.
“Thank you.” I mumbled as exhaustion rushed over me.
“Everything.” I sighed as I felt him kiss my forehead as I drifted off.
The urge to hurt myself is so high and today was so draining. I was like really honest with the school’s therapist and she took care of myself for some time, then I left school because I couldn’t go back. I worked on my history bilingual presentation, and went to my psych to get a new prescription and she wanted to see my hands (because of OCD) and I refused and she really confused me. After all I had therapy and we talked about my biggest fear: not being good enough –> being worthless and I broke down in tears and I’m still crying.
Scrolling through Tumblr while half-listening to a series of videos on the history and workings of the Roman Republic is a trip and a half.
Like, “Cicero has been invited back from exile to cast an emoji spell with likes but several hundred thousand Germans are coming I love all of my followers date someone who reimburses the senators even though they’ve symbolically rebuked you WILD GANGS ARE ROVING THE STREETS AND PREYING ON CONSERVATIVES”
But the best part is that, most of the time, you can’t tell which part is Tumblr and which is Roman history
Do you ever think about all the women in history who did amazing things we’ll NEVER know anything about because some man at the time didn’t acknowledge her so her scientific research, social contributions or physical labour will never be known of?
I’m not saying that free-market economics is bad or dangerous, I’m saying that it doesn’t even exist.
The mythical butcher-baker-candlestick-maker view of capitalism only existed in the very earliest days of capitalist development, when it was little more than a social experiment embarked upon by adventurous minor nobles and desperate peasants in fast-growing early-modern cities. The whole reason capitalism survived as a way of organising economic activity was because the newly-wealthy capitalist elites were best placed to wield influence over tottering European feudal states as they crumbled under their own weight - taking them over to run them as glorified protection rackets for their profit-making schemes. From its earliest inception within feudal societies, capital has sought the benefits of the state - legal regulation, economic protectionism, military repression - and used them to secure its future.
Even the most dimly-conscious free-market ideologue knows this. What ‘free-market’ ideology really conceals is a civil war between staggeringly wealthy elites, over which faction of capitalists should reap the rewards: those who benefit from the huge resources of states being poured into subsidising the profits of manufacturing, industry and trade, or those who can make a killing from bank bailouts, government-secured property deals and state-backed oil ventures.
Modern states, therefore, are to capitalism both nursemaid and childhood playmate: they are utterly inseparable, bound together in a Faustian bargain written in the blood of workers.