the idea of two aromantic platonic partners having a “convenience marriage” is like my favorite thing right now I’m both getting really excited and cracking up over the possibilities I mean just imagine:
“we got married because of tax benefits”
“we got married because it gave us an excuse to have sleepovers every night”
“we got married because it seemed convenient to ‘pool our assets’ (aka our library is now twice as big, as is our collection of Disney movies)”
“we got married because it gave us an excuse to ask for toasters from people as wedding gifts”
Adrien Agreste is desperate. He’s tried asking Nino, but his friend sort of tripped his way into his relationship with Alya by mistake, and he’s not too proud to admit it. Plagg is no help. He’s asked Natalie, only to get a blank look. Plagg is NO help. Adrien’s even asked Gorilla. The man stared at him through the rearview mirror for a full minute before he burst out laughing and didn’t stop even after he dropped Adrien off at school. It was hard not to pout all day.
So now, Adrien is doing what he should have done in the first place - it’s SO obvious, after all. I mean, obviously HE’D be an expert.
Adrien walks into his father’s study with shoulders pushed back in his dad’s preferred posture.
‘What did you need?’ his father asked without looking up from his designs, seven different sketched clothes articles being shuffled around to create various combinations.
‘Yeah,’ Adrien said, trying to channel as much of Chat Noir as he could, ‘so dad, you and mum, huh?’
Gabriel’s hand paused delicately where it was poised over a pair of tan women’s trousers.
'I mean, you two…. Got together and everything, you know?’
Adrien watched in fascination as his father’s eyebrows rose very slowly. He wasn’t sure if it was a good sign so he went on.
'And mum was pretty. I mean, REAL pretty. Well of course she was pretty she was a model. But she was. Nice, I mean. And you TALKED to her. And it WORKED. Of course it worked, she married you and you had ME.’
Gabriel Agreste looked like he was almost afraid to talk, but he put the sketches down, steepled his fingers and finally looked up at his son.
'What are you asking exactly, Adrien? I thought Natalie had adequately covered the topic of human sexual reproduction even before you joined College?’
'Not that, dad!’ Adrien replied, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. 'I know all about that. Natalie tested me and everything and I got top marks. I’m asking about all the rest! That’s more important!’
Gabriel Agreste’s eyebrows joined his hairline. He managed to look vaguely nauseous, which was the face he made when he was in any way flustered or uncomfortable.
'All… The rest.’
'Yes!’ Adrien replied, the word exploding out of him when he couldn’t contain it anymore. A river of more words followed it once it had split the dam. 'The flowers and the complements, and the manners and kissing her hand, and being a gentleman! All of that! But I’ve tried it all and it hasn’t worked, so I MUST be doing something wrong! But you landed MUM, so you must have done something really right, so please dad, please teach me?’
Gabriel Agreste may as well be speechless for the first time in his life. He managed, 'What?’
'How to ask out a pretty girl!’ Adrien said in moan. 'The right way! So she says yes!’
Gabriel took off his spectacles to give himself time to think, polishing them off a silk hanky he always carried in his pocket, to give himself time to think. He didn’t think he’d be thinking about this already. But that was the problem with thinking. Once he put them back on, he’d formulated a reasonable response.
'I would like to know who the young lady in question is, before we go any further.’
Adrien’s brain went into panic mode. Darn, darn darn darn, he hadn’t thought of this! What was he going to say? He couldn’t say Ladybug obviously, his dad would never buy it. Quick, think of girls he knew! Girls he knew, girls he knew- ah! Girls from his class! Let’s see; Chloe- ah ah, hard nope, no way. Alya- nope, no way again, bro code. Mylene, yeah, super taken. Alix….. Just no. Darn it all, all he could think of were black hair and blue eyes and - hang on!
'Marinette Dupain-Cheng,’ Adrien squeaked. He hoped his cheeks feeling hot meant he would convince his father. Gabriel stared at him for a moment before he buzzed Natalie from the intercom on his desk.
'Natalie, send me the file of Dupain-Cheng Marinette from the College research folder.’
'Yes sir,’ Natalie chirped back. A few moments of heavy sweating later - for Adrien - his father’s phone pinged, and Gabriel picked it up, thumbing through whatever Natalie had sent. One eyebrow rose higher than the other in the expression his father often made when he was pleasantly surprised. Somehow, Adrien was irrationally pleased his father approved of Marinette, even though he realised he was now totally screwed.
'Designed an album for Jagged Stone,’ his father said, sounding reluctantly impressed. 'You will invite her to dinner next week.’
Gabriel put his phone down, seemingly done with the decision. Adrien tried desperately one more time.
'But, the advice!’
Gabriel looked him straight in the eyes.
'What I’m about to tell you does not leave this room,’ he said solemnly.
'Yes father!’ Adrien replied eagerly.
'The secret,’ Gabriel went on solemnly, 'is puns.’
'I knew it!’ Adrien hissed under his breath.
'Ah, but not just any puns,’ Gabriel admonished. 'That is why you have been unsuccessful. You need to find her interests, formulate humourous sentence arrangements. Drop them with the correct TIMING. Timing is crucial, especially in one particular way.’
Adrien fairly vibrated in his seat as he leaned forward, waiting for his dad to finally tell him the secret.
'You must take her hand, gently. Look her in the eyes, and tell her, without fanfare, how you feel about her. And how that makes you feel: in that order, son. Then, and only then, must you drop a very smart pun, about something she loves, and beg her to consider giving you a chance. Then walk away, let her think about it, and maybe drop another pun on your way out. Make her laugh, so that when she remembers you, she will smile. She’ll call you back within the week.’
Gabriel was smiling for the first time in a whole year, that Adrien remembered. He looked misty eyed and far away before he snapped out of it.
'Natalie,’ he said into the buzzer again, 'contact mlle Dupain-Cheng, invite her to dinner Friday week.’
'Yes sir. I will inform cook and the household.’
'Good.’ Gabriel looked at his son with a determined look on his face. 'I will allow you to see how it is done during this first dinner. I will then expect you to try and learn, with practice, during following invitations. Do not let me down.’
'No sir!’ Adrien replied excitedly. He raced to his room, almost bouncing giddily with joy at how helpful his dad had been. Real advice! With practice!
Then he froze when he realised he was going to be practicing on his sweet, shy classmate, who was likely going to get the entirely wrong idea, and who he had absolutely not the courage to come clean with; not on this.
'Darn’, he hissed into his room. Plagg ignored him and continued to eat his cheese noisily.
Everything is on me, from things as small as cooking dinner to things as big as potty training. Every single day, every single minute I hear the constant whines, cries, laughter, and “mommy’s” I don’t know what silence is. I don’t know what it means to sit down and watch a 30 minute TV episode.
My house often goes unclean. Sometimes we eat Easy Mac for dinner. I usually go 3 days between showers.
New clothes, the cost of daycare, anything from Tylenol to toys to diapers is all paid for by me.
And the kicker? Society looks at single moms like WE’RE the ones that failed, that we couldn’t keep our legs closed, or we did something to make our man run away. But what society doesn’t see is the millions of articles I read to be a better mom, the time I’m taking off work so I can be at my son’s school party, or that I’m stretching myself thin to give my son everything he wants.
Single moms are by far the strongest beings on this entire planet and I think we deserve a little more recognition than we receive.
Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in thinking, emotion or behavior (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are associated with distress and/or problems functioning in social, work or family activities.
1) They explain that mental illness involves thinking, emotion, and behavior.
2) They explain that mental illnesses affect a person’s ability to function.
You’ll notice that neither of these definitions include any mention of evolution or reproduction. That’s because procreation and contributing beneficially to evolution is not a requirement of mental health.
A lot of people make the mistake of viewing mental health in terms of “normal” vs “abnormal”. I think that plays a lot into this unfortunately common idea that behaviors that aren’t biologically beneficial are “abnormal” and thus evidence of mental illness.
The truth is that mental illness is about functioning vs impairment.
The cornerstone of every psychiatric diagnosis is that it causes impairment in at least one are of a person’s life. The areas that mental health professionals usually look at are social, work, and leisure.
Now, back in the old days psychologists used to have different ideas about what “functioning” looked like. If you didn’t fit in with the strict social norms of the time, then they would argue that you were experiencing impairment in social or work life. For example, a woman who wanted to work instead of getting married and having children might be labeled as mentally ill because her desires were “impairing” her from fitting into society’s prescribed gender roles.
Thankfully we have (for the most part) moved on from that!
Now we look at functioning and impairment in terms of how well a person can live an enjoyable, fulfilling life. Some professionals also throw the idea of “productivity” into the mix, but that is very much a productive of America’s obsession with capitalism and that is a completely different rant!
Pick any mental illness out of a hat and I can tell you how the symptoms of that mental illness are likely to cause impairment in a person’s life. I can’t do that with asexuality, because asexuality does not have “symptoms” that impair a person’s functioning.
Like all marginalized sexual orientations and gender alignments, Asexuality does not inherently cause any distress or impairment. Any distress or impairment that asexual people experience is a result of society’s reaction to who they are.
Being asexual might (notice I say “might” not “does”) stop someone from having romantic relationships or from having children, but romantic relationships and children are not requirements for functioning and mental health.
You can have a rich and fulfilling social life without ever having a romantic relationship.
You can have a full, healthy, functional life without experiencing any sexual attraction.
Sex is not a requirement for life.
Sex is not a requirement for health.
Asexuality is not a mental illness because it does not cause impairment or distress.
Evolution, natural selection, and procreation have absolutely nothing to do with defining and diagnosing mental illnesses.
Lame adaptations and sequels are always like, “how can Mina go back to her stifling Victorian marriage after her experience with the dark, seductive Dracula??”
Meanwhile, Mina marries her best friend, who she’s known since they were children, who she share common interests with, they build a home together, work as partners, make immense sacrifices for each other, support each other through their traumas.
Guys, a marriage isn’t stifling and restrictive just because two people… get along, I guess?
i’ve said this before but definitely the worst part about having a post that takes off besides the notification spam is when someone adds some completely unnecessary shit to your post. Then out of morbid curiosity you check out their blog and it turns out.. they do that to every post they reblog.
warnings: so many perspective changes, i didn’t proof read it, swears (duh), mention of genetalia (jared says dick), um and i think thats it???
WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO…..
Jared: I can pick you up from school on Monday?
Shit, school. If you saw him at school you wouldn’t be able to just walk past without tackling him in a hug… and then he’d find out.
Y/N: i don’t know if i’ll go to school that day, i think i’m coming down with something.
Jared obviously knew you were lying. So he lied back.
Jared: But we have that special assembly
Y/N: we do??
Jared: Yeah I forgot what it’s on but I heard it’s super important.
Y/N: shit then i guess i have to go
Y/N: what period is it?
Jared: End of the day
Perfect, you could just go last period and leave and not have to face Jared confrontation until… Tuesday.
Y/N: u know what?? just remembered i have plans?
Jared: Can’t you get out of them? I feel like I’m worth it ;)
Y/N: lol of course you are! but it’s family bowling night so,,,, no
Jared: Well it’ll happen eventually.
Jared was right, it would. A lot sooner than you wished, too. After quickly convincing your parents to skip all but last period, you texted Jared good night and then fell asleep full of anxiety of the day ahead.
Days have passed. The amount of times you have seen Jared pass you in the halls and you haven’t said anything is unbearable, for the both of you.
Jared would have to pretend like he didn’t know who you were and continue just walking, Evan’s talking mumbled by his thoughts. He didn’t even make eye contact with you and has only seen you in his peripheral vision.
And, fuck, his peripheral vision didn’t give him much to go off of but you looked fucking amazing. A million times better than just seeing you on Instagram from his phone. Seeing you out of the corner of his eyes for a split second every now and then almost killed him.
Jared: Wait I have no idea how to do APBio project
Y/N: ugh too long to type and explain
Jared: Then just FaceTime me lol
Y/N: my hair is messy
Y/N: and im in my pajamas
Y/N: so no
Jared: and I care because????
Y/N: i care!
Jared: Fine then call me
…Should you? I mean, there’s no harm. It’s just your voice. But what if you get major phone anxiety or he thinks your voice is ugly.
Y/N: i was about to go to bed :( sorry
Jared: Bullshit it’s like 10pm
Before you could respond with a snarky comment, your phone started buzzing and Jared’s ringtone (which may or not be ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’) started playing.
You answered it but immediately muted yourself.
“Uh… hello?” You said nothing. “Y/N, I know you’re there, it stopped ringing,” he chuckled a bit. You face flushed when he said your name. “Ok, whatever. Anyways, so this project. I kinda dozed off when Ms. Years was saying all the instructions so I thought I could ask someone else from the class but the only person I know was absent and so I tried to ask Ms. Years what to do and she just gave me, like, a vague and sarcastic response and I remember you talking about Ms. Years and you’re probably a good student so…”
As Jared rambling continued you started to feel more and more guilty. You clicked the home button and went back to texting.
Y/N: jared tbh i really don’t wanna explain i barely even get it myself i wouldn’t know how to explain
You heard his phone vibrate and he stopped talking and sighed, “Okay, we’re doing this. Well, y/n, I really don’t to fail this project. I can barely hold a C so I need to get a good grade on this.”
Y/N: i thought u were like,,, top of ur class??
He chuckled, “Yeah in all of them except fucking biology. That godforsaken class will be the death of me.” You laughed and your feelings sank when you realized he couldn’t hear you.
Y/N: bio is like the one class im good at
Jared chuckled and your heart fluttered, “Of course you are. But…” he dragged out the word and you frowned.
Y/N: i know, im just nervous
He sighed, “I guess I’ll ask someone else?”
Y/N: sorry :(
And with that, the call ended.
Almost a week passed and Jared wouldn’t barely talk to you. If he did it was one or two-word answers. So when he sent a paragraph it surprised you.
Jared: Ok so I wrote into Catfish I wanna get your opinion on my letter.
Jared: I’ll just copy and paste
Jared: “Yo Nev and Max,
It’s ya boy, Jared. So y/n is my soulmate, I haven’t really talked with them for long but, get this, I’ve never heard their voice and they’ve only sent me one picture! I know. And, even crazier, we go to the same school and are in the same grade! So when I looked for a y/n y/l/n in our yearbook, I did not see the face from the pictures but someone completely different! I know, it’s wild.
If you would help me, that’d be dank lol thanks.”
Jared: I feel like it’s funny and they’d prob pick it up because it’s not like any of their other stories!
Jared was obviously being sardonic and passive aggressive. In any normal situation, you would’ve responded with wit but all the things he said started to process in your head. You could almost hear the gears turning in your brain.
Jared: y/n, why did you lie?
Y/N: i’m so sorry, jared
Jared: …y/n, why did you lie?
Y/N: i was insecure and scared? i know i know thats not a good enough excuse but i never thought id get caught
Jared: You never thought one of these days one of us would just crack or cave at school?
Y/N: i almost did plenty of times tbh
Jared: The amount of effort it took for me to not just run up to you whenever I saw you were…. tremendous
Y/N: how long have you known?
Jared: Literally since the beginning lol
Y/N: im so sorry
Jared: Can we, like, actually talk now or FaceTime or something, please?
Jared: It’s in the middle of the day so dont say you were about to sleep
Jared: Oh no what is there more?
Y/N: im aNXiouS
Jared: So fucking am I! Actually seeing your face and hearing you speak at the same time is literally all I’ve wanted since I had a panic attack on your thigh
That warmed your heart made your goofy smile stick onto your face. Something surged within you and you decided to make a bold move.
Less than a ring later, Jared’s forehead popped up onto your screen. “Holy shit, you initiated it,” he breathed. Your camera was facing the ceiling, “Where are you?”
“Contemplating whether or not to hang up and just cry instead.”
Jared gave a shaky breath but you saw the corners of his eyes scrunch up, meaning he was smiling. “Someone grab the camera my baby said their first words!”
You snorted, “Oh my god, Jared.”
“Just… so much happened in a split-second, I got a little dizzy.”
You stifled a laugh but your smile was still ridiculously wide, “What do you mean?”
“You laughed, no, you snorted, y/n, and damn it was adorable and made my heart, like, stop for a second. Then, oh boy, then you said my name and my heart stopped again and then I almost hung up the call to call an ambulance.”
“Why didn’t you?” you pressed on, teasing him.
“Prop up the camera so I can, like, look at you while you talk,” he told you, not answering the question.
With a shaky hand, you obeyed and the camera showed you, cross legged on your bed, and fiddling with your fingernails. “Now you do it.” You refused to make eye contact with the camera but out of the corner of your eyes, you saw Jared look at his screen in disbelief and immediately found something to lean his phone on. You really could only see his torso and up, but it was more than enough.
You looked up at him through your eyelashes, your nerves eating away at you.
“Shit, you’re stunning.”
The corners of your mouth perked up, “I would say the same but from what I’ve seen, you’re much more adorable in person.”
Jared smirked, “Damn right, I am. But holy shit, I just want to take a moment to appreciate your… charismatic smile.”
You snickered, throwing your head back a little, “Charismatic? That’s not usually a word I hear to describe someone’s smile.”
“Not just someone, you.”
“Jared, you’re such a sap.”
“It’s a charming quality, right?”
You and Jared stayed together, talking, for hours. You only realized it when the sun started rising through your window.
“Shit, we have school, Jared.”
“Wait, just… Stay right there.”
You did and you saw his phone flash. “…Did you just take a screenshot of me?”
“The sun made your skin glow. It was too enchanting to not take a screenshot.”
You giggled at him and saw the screen flash again. “Jared!” You scolded, “You’re lucky you’re my soulmate.”
“Sorry! Your laugh was captivating.”
“Did you just pause me?” you asked him, feigning offense.
He snickered, “I wanted to see how photogenic you look in these screenshots. Just gimme a sec.”
“‘Kay but you owe me a Redbull!”
“Deal. What time is it?” he asked.
“Maybe we should both take a quick catnap and I’ll pick you up,” he offered.
“And end our fifteen-hour call? Never!” you laughed, doodling on your arm.
“Y/N… stop drawing dicks on my wrist.”
Jared ended up opting out of picking you up because he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you for an entire car ride. So as you were waiting for Jared in the cafeteria, you bit your nails and looked around the room again as if he’d magically appear.
Jared, however, saw you. You had your back to him and Jared couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He swallowed his fears and slowly walked up to you, a Redbull in hand.
Before he could reach you, some girl he sort of recognized walked up to you and started talking to you. He couldn’t hear the whole conversation, it’s was like quiet mumbling, but he could tell you were on edge and not really paying attention to her.
Suddenly, Jared and the girl made eye contact. You only then realized it was Alana. She waved at you, “Hey, Jared! How’s your morning been?”
Both you and Jared froze.
Jared took a deep breath and cleared his throat, unaware of the blush forming on his cheekbones. “Well, I owe y/n here a Redbull and I wanted one too but the store only had one, so I guess we’ll have to share it.”
You slowly turned towards him. “Jared,” you breathed. “…JARED!” you now screamed, sprinting the short distance between you and clutched onto him, tears rolling down your face.
Jared staggered back a bit but took your embrace and wrapped his arms around you. “Holy shit, this is real. You’re real,” he said quietly in disbelief.
It felt like hours you two were just there, with each other. Finally.
Alana snapped a picture just before you and Jared slowly pulled away from one another. He held his hands on your waist and you held his biceps. The both of you just stared at each other, smiling, and taking in every feature. “The janitor’s closet next to the math wing is, like, never used.”
“If you lovebirds need a secret place,” she winked and walked away. Jared’s face flushed and you could only muster up a nervous laugh.
After lunch, you didn’t have any classes with Jared. So by the end of the day, you were craving him.
You leaned against his car, waiting for him. Once you saw him exit the building, you called out to him, “Jared, hey!”
He looked instantly relieved to see you and jogged to your position. “Need a ride?” You nodded and held his hand in yours. He squeezed it then let go, “Get in.”
The car ride home was silent, but not uncomfortable. Just being in his presence gave you joy. When you reached a stoplight, you grabbed his right hand and pulled it towards you. You held it on top of your thigh.
“It’s gonna be hard to drive with one hand,” he chuckled.
You rubbed the back of his hand with your thumb, “I think you can manage.”
He got to your house not too long after and when you let go of his hand, both of you felt empty. You sighed, “So…”
You gathered as much courage as you could in a split second and leaned over the console, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Before Jared knew what was happening, you were out the door, walking to your house, and waving at him.
Jared raised a hand to where your lips met his skin and his felt his hot cheek. He probably was the same shade as a stop sign, but he didn’t care.
With grin basically tattooed onto his face and a twinkle in his eye, he drove himself home, feeling like the king of the world.
Spilling every piece of Miraculous theory I have to my husband as we get ready for work.
Me: And the thing is, like, the reveal has to happen at some point but they are so ridiculously oblivious that I have no idea what to expect. Everyone was freaking out over Adrien saying Marinette is just a friend but he so likes her.
Bran: deadpan stare
Bran: Oh, nothing. Just thinking of all those times in school when I would bring treats to you while you were working late and you would hug me and tell me I was such a good friend.