There is a difficulty about disagreeing with God. He is the source from which all your reasoning power comes: you could not be right and He wrong any more than a stream can rise higher than its own source.
“I could have every single inch of your body pressed right against mine, and I’d still say pull me closer”
The mornings were always tough, waking up at a decided time is never easy, no matter how much you try to convince yourself.
By today was different.
Today the woman who hated mornings so desperately begged for the time to stay instead of pass.
Speaking of translation issues, everyone keeps telling me how great the Colored Adventure version is, even though it’s riddled with typos and contains plenty of confused dialogue.
At this point in the story, it’s plausible that Jolyne hasn’t seen her father since she was a small child, so she might not recognize him after all these years. So when she thinks “This… this guy… Who is he!?”, it makes sense.
But then a few panels later she becomes upset and attacks the guard for putting her in this situation. “If I had known it was you, I wouldn’t have shown!!” she says bitterly. So now she knows exactly who this is, even though she didn’t two pages ago. Maybe she had to hear him talk first?
Then she says “I don’t have a father like you–!!” What does that even mean? I could see her saying “I have no father!” or “I want nothing to do with a father like you!” But it’s like they split the difference and invented a nonsense expression that conveys absolutely nothing.
It can’t be helped, of course. Even the best fan translations are going to have errors, but this is why you have to read them with an open mind. It’s also why I’m willing and able to trudge through lower-quality translations when necessary.
You’ve probably heard of “freewriting." Here’s what you do:
You sit down, you get comfortable, and you start writing. Some people set a timer for 10, 15 or 20 minutes before they start. Because the game is, you don’t stop writing during those 10, 15, 20 minutes, even if—especially if—you don’t know what to write. If that happens, you write, "I can’t think of something to write,” or whatever. You also don’t go back to correct anything, even typos. In freewriting, there is no concept of a “mistake,” because once you’re done, you just throw it away. You don’t even read it yourself, unless you feel like it.
The point of the exercise is to expend no effort except for the physical effort of writing or typing. Your goal is not to choose words so much as spew words out. Think of it as the writing equivalent of finger-painting. It’s an exercise in not giving a shit.
This is the best way I know for reducing anxiety around writing. Peter Elbow suggests scheduling it at least three times a week. Personally, I don’t schedule it; I do it at random moments during the day when it occurs to me. This addresses my sense that writing is very difficult to start. If you get into the habit of just dropping what you’re doing and spontaneously writing something, writing starts to seem like less of a big deal.
If you want, you can relax the rule about not stopping. I found that if I told myself “I can’t stop!” I made myself anxious—“oh my god, I’ll be trapped doing this thing for ten minutes!”—which impeded my willingness to do it at all. So allow yourself to stop if you need to—but just to rest, not to think.
Freewriting can be practiced for as short a time as you have—five minutes, thirty seconds, however long you can tolerate it or spare. You can do it while you’re on hold or waiting for a file to download. Or you can put a reminder on your phone. Every day, every other day, every other other day, whatever. If you ultimately want to “make writing a habit,” you could pick a time slot and just fill that slot with freewriting for now. That will certainly build a habit, and it asks almost nothing of you except to sit in a chair and move your fingers until your timer goes off.
Well, okay: it asks slightly more of you than that. Freewriting is similar to meditation or mindfulness practice: you do have to focus, and mainly you focus on what’s in your head. For some folks, that can be uncomfortable. If it is, try to focus on the words and not on you. If you can’t stand your own thoughts, describe what you see around you instead. Or think of the words as grit that has collected inside you that you’re flushing out—like turning on a faucet to clear rust out of the pipes. The words are already there, so when you freewrite, you’re just discharging them. Those words aren’t you, they’re just words.
I offer you this rusty pipe metaphor because it has helped me a lot. Writing, for me, has always meant feeling my lack of worth in its fullest intensity—as if every word I write were declaring my mediocrity. So of course I avoided it. But if I think of the words as grit in a pipe, my self—my own abilities and my own psyche—are not at issue. Just caked, rotten, crusty words that need to be dissolved, loosened and washed out.
Freewriting has a few purposes, according to Elbow. As I said, it trains you to decouple your words from you, to write with less fear that what you write reflects on you. It accustoms you to producing “bad” writing and seeing that the world doesn’t end. It teaches you to make mistakes without fear—or rather, to write without “mistake” vs. “correct” even entering the picture.
The real point of freewriting is just to practice spontaneously generating words. Merely generating words, it turns out, is difficult and demanding before you even ask whether they’re the right words. Many of us (though not all) can generate words with relative ease when we talk. But for reasons that are mysterious to me, writing doesn’t work like speaking. Maybe it’s because you have more time to choose your words when you’re writing—and there’s nobody sitting there, responding to what you say. The point is, the channel between your brain and your typing/writing hands can get stiff and clogged. So the first step toward writing without pain and anxiety is simply to loosen and unclog that channel. You’re not even building a skill, you’re just stretching a muscle.
I find when I freewrite that after a few minutes, my mental state shifts. I go into a sort of trance in which things are happening in my mind and I’m observing them but I don’t feel like I’m controlling them. Which, for someone who lives her life with an iron grip on her every thought and deed, is an enormous relief. Once I stop freewriting and start writing normally, some of that lightness lingers. My mind and body remember the sensation and can return to it even when I write more slowly and deliberately.
If writing is extremely difficult for you, you might need to do nothing but freewrite for a while. You might need the sustained experience of producing words that won’t be evaluated, that can’t be evaluated. Even once you start writing normally again, you could still spend the first few minutes of your writing time freewriting, just to clear the pipes.
Try it. Try freewriting for thirty seconds. Right now. Just open up a new document or grab an empty junk mail envelope and see what it’s like.
Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy.
Not sure about the rest of the world but where i come from, women are expected to live up to the standards set by the society, that change with time. So it is pretty darn tough for a believeing woman to practice Islam freely. They question why she covers in front of people who saw her grow (non mahrams), they ask why she puts on no make up (people won’t send proposals), they ask why she doesn’t perfume herself and dress nicely when going out or to specific ceremonies. Wallahi these people have abandoned the teachings in the Quran and Sunnah of RasoolAllah SallahuAlaihi wasalam. They have no fear whatsoever, instead of being content and happy and encouraging their women, they often do what the kuffar of Quraish did. Sadly, a woman has to go through all these trials until and unless she is married, and even then, it the husband turns out to be bound by customs of the soceity, she continues being called out for being sincere to her Rabb and Deen. Have patience sisters, this world is a mere mirage, you will receive rewarda, recognition and the Mercy of your Rabb soon enough, and the on lookers would wish they hadn’t taunted you instead joined you. Do not let anyone, anyone at all, be the reason to hold back, they can’t force you, they can’t physically force you to abandon anything, and their words are mere words, Allah’s promises out weigh what they say, hold on to those promises. You don’t need the consent of your family, nor your husband, not anyone. You were given consent by your CREATOR, The All Mighty. HE will aid you through the hardships, HE will stand by your side when everyone refuses to. Find the right company, find people who would motivate you and out weigh the hate with love. This land is still filled with the Momineen, you just have to look in the right places.
well. this is definitely the hardest post I’ve ever made and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get to the end but I’ll try.
hi. i’m back.
a short explanation–
when I wrote that “unless”, I didn’t think it would actually happen. I’m a healthy young woman and my depression is (was) totally under control– the only thing that could happen would be some sort of catastrophic accident!
long, long story short– a lot of things happened and even though I didn’t want to, the mission department decided that I needed to come home.
as you can imagine I am not having a very easy time adjusting.
no, I don’t really want to talk about it.
you probably have a lot of questions, the biggest one (besides “are you okay” which…. no not really but I’ll get there. eventually.) being:
so…. does that mean you’re back?
and the answer to that is “sort of, maybe.”
I love Feliks. I really, really, really want to rp him again. I love all of you. I really, really, really want to rp with you again.
the fact remains, though, that a) I’m not going to be able to pick up exactly where I left off and b) I am dealing with some pretty severe mental health issues right now– issues that, frankly, getting involved in any sort of drama on tumblr will definitely worsen.
so here’s my plan– I want to start, very slowly, coming back, but staying on mostly-hiatus, with an extensive blacklist and very strict unfollow rules.
I can’t just jump right back in but easing my way back will, I think, give me an emotional outlet, a sense of purpose and community, and might even help me to recover a bit quicker.
a couple of important things–
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. and I know the feeling is returned :) and that’s frankly the only reason I have the guts to be typing this right now.
I HAVE THE HELP I NEED. I have people to vent to, medication, professional help. I’m going to be fine. I just need time.
THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW: 1) don’t pressure me. I’ll do what I’m ready to do. like I said– I need time. 2) tag any sort of drama or negativity, whether tumblr drama or real-life politics. a blacklist will catch most things mentioned in post bodies– but drama and politics need to be tagged for the blacklist to work.
so. congratulations for reading to the end of this ridiculously long post and thank you in advance for your support and kindness. I’m looking forward to talking and interacting with you again.
tl;dr– I’ve returned home early from my mission due to health issues. I’ll be revamping my blog and slowly returning to the community.