Wordaholics - Tight/Loose Butthole

Tight/Loose Butthole: In its simplest definition, a reference to a rating on the butthole judgment scale.  Tight is synonymous with good and positive things, while Loose is synonymous with bad or negative feelings. 

Tighter/Tightest vs. Looser/Loosest apply to varying degrees of appreciation, depending on a number of factors relating to mood, weather, setting, and appearance.

In scientific terms, Tight would be 0.00, relating to the thermodynamic theory of absolute zero, or, “the absolute lack of loose butthole.”  

Loose, however, would continue beyond infinity, a staggering figure that is the undefinable amount of something being “the incalculable abundance of not tight butthole.”

In a more simplified vernacular;

  • Tight Butthole is the shit
  • Loose Butthole sucks hard

In a Sentence: “Terrance Malick’s cinematography is completely Tight Butthole.”

In a Sentence: “I find the bombastic sound mixing of a Michael Bay film to be entirely Loose Butthole.”


Где теперь такие страны, 

корабли и капитаны,

приключения, романы…

Робинзоны все равно, в конце концов, покидают свои острова и почти разу теряются в толпе. Армстронги бросают последний грустный взгляд в иллюминаторы и жмут кнопку старт. Я снова покупаю билеты и обнимаюсь на перроне. 

За последние два месяца у меня накопилось много слов. Придется вам их все прочитать.

Доброе утро, большой город.

Stay Cool. 

Wordaholics - Gay Chicken

Gay Chicken: A game in which two straight members of the same sex compete to see who is willing to go further with a homosexual act.

The “winner” is the competitor who doesn’t flinch, pull away, or secede control at any point of the game; while the “loser” is the one who has their will broken in two.  It does not matter whether either of the contestants is named Will for this to be the case.

While there is not a boilerplate version of the showdown, the most common is to have the competitors lean in for a kiss; the first to pull away is the loser, or “Gay Chicken”.  There are many other versions of this game that take the sport to new levels, but the motivation is always the same.  Just a buncha straight dudes killing time before the ladies show up, right?  Sure.  

While girls can play, their version is usually called something else entirely, usually just “Hot” or “Dude, check it out” or a Tatu music video.

The game can not be played between members of the opposing sex; that’s just a Saturday night, flirting, or a family reunion gone wrong.  

In a Sentence: “You shoulda seen it, Sully took on Murray in a round of Gay Chicken and neither one backed down for like twenty minutes; got a little weird to watch, but I had to be there to crown the winner, ya know?”

Wordaholics - Brociopath

Brociopath: A human adult male (college-age or older) who has internalized the tropes and activities specific to fraternity life so thoroughly that such behavior extends far beyond the time and place during which it is typically deemed appropriate (or at the very least, forgivable). While the temperament of the everyday fraternity bro can often have positive effects (particularly when attempting to romance a sorority sister), when taken too far, these habits can be both potentially dangerous and incredibly annoying. Though different symptoms can be dominant in different cases, some common signs of brociopathy are:

  • A propensity for calling people “pussies”
  • A need to frame any alcohol consumption within the context of a game or challenge
  • Constant yelling and/or chanting
  • A wardrobe consisting primarily of pinnies, polo shirts, cargo shorts and either visors or baseball caps worn backwards
  • An allergy-like aversion to anything considered unmanly, including reading, having female friends and showing emotions other than enthusiasm or rage
  • A desire to incessantly quote an unofficial canon of “Bro Films” including, but not limited to, Old School, Anchorman and most Adam Sandler vehicles

The mental health community remains split as to the exact nature of the disorder’s causes. Some professionals believe that those who exhibit the above signs  are in fact born with a higher-than-normal tendency toward douchebaggery in general. Others are of the mind that increased exposure to testosterone during the fraternity-pledging process and the brain damage caused by excessive kegstanding combine to produce the symptoms. Still others remain convinced that brociopathic behavior is actually a lifestyle choice,  though this position has lost ground as of late due to its sheer implausibility. Unfortunately, no cure or treatment currently exists.

In a Sentence: “Jimmy’s friends knew they were too late to prevent him from becoming a brociopath when he kept interrupting everyone at the intervention to suggest that they all play flip cup.”

Wordaholics - Half Christmas

Half Christmas- Celebrated on June 25th, 6 months (half a human year) after official “recognized” Christmas, Half Christmas (#HalfXmas) allows a second chance for embracing the spirit of giving with friends, families, countrymen, and willing celebrity endorsers.

While the date simply halves the calendar, a Half Christmas observer is not expected to decrease their celebratory footprint in any way.  Full tilt holiday cheer is not only expected, but encouraged; and for every holiday sweater’s sleeves cut, evergreen tree shortened, and cubicle tinsled, there is someone chugging keg nog with reckless abandon; and it is they who are exhibiting the true #HalfXMas spirit.

But unlike secular and ethnic holidays based around themed alcohol intake, Half Christmas isn’t meant to send one face down to the bar mats; but face up to the ones you love, without having to go to Church with your Grandma or shovel the back porch.  It’s a time to party for things important to you that may have been neglected in times of non-mall decorated nativity and claymation specials. 

Half Christmas is what you make it; as long as you make it like you’re celebrating Christmas in a different time of year and slightly changing the customs and practices to better fit the new month. 

In a Sentence- “I used to think Half Christmas was just another greeting card company holiday, but then I couldn’t find any in the store, and I realized, this is ours, babe, this is ours and ours alone, and also our dozen friends I invited over so let’s deck the halls.”

Coming Next Week: The Workaholics Tumblr mentally prepares you as we celebrate half the holiday, with “The 6 Days of Half Christmas”.

Wordaholics - Bro-Choice

Bro-choice: The belief that one has the right, at any point, to sever oneself from one’s penis/shlong/lap hog/boy muscle for whatever reason, regardless of circumstance or outside opinion. Some of such reasons may include (but are not limited to):

  • Someone offering $100 for it
  • Fatigue from being inconvenienced by the maintenance and care implicit in the possession of a penis
  • Boredom/curiosity
  • The result of losing or winning a bet
  • Proof of one’s impulsivity and/or spontaneity to a skeptical friend or romantic partner
  • Extreme hunger
  • Performance art

Similarly, members of the bro-choice movement have made a point of expressing their support for those who want to alter their bodies in a way that would allow them admittance to New Dick City (aka The Bone Zone). In a nutshell, the movement has established itself on the platform that dicks are a choice, so nobody should be a dick about having or not having one.

The bro-choice position has historically faced opposition from the bro-life movement, which posits that someone born with a bro-hose is obligated to walk around with it between their legs for life — regardless of the implications for one’s identity, comfort, or general feelings about boners.

In a Sentence: “Eduardo was unsure of where he stood on the whole ‘bro-choice/bro-life’ debate until he realized that both he and his pants would be much more comfortable if he removed the peen from the equation.”

Wordaholics - Bloj

Bloj: Means blowjob.

Pronounced: Blow-ge                    

AKA: “The Mouth”

Oral sex moniker used primarily in high school slang, before transitioning into the college world where it can take on any number of regionally appropriate names (I.E. Doming, Braining, Feed Bag, etc).  

Not often said in the old folks home or your parent’s office, it’s a kids thing. They do a lot of shortening of words for their speech patterns, they think it makes them stand out and find an identity in this crazy world.  C'mon, you used to as well, remember “ush”, “coo” and “totes”?  

Language.  It’s funny, and sometimes, being funny?  Is enough to catch you a bloj.

In a Sentence: “She gave me a bloj, she gave me a bloj, pretty much every low self esteem girl in Rancho Cucamonga South has thrown a bloj my way; although to speak equally of gender roles, some may have been using me for my body as well.”

Wordaholics - Gnar

Gnar: A descriptive indicator that things, in their current state, are not well.  As opposed to good, or “not gnar”.

A cousin of gnarly and a decedent of bad, this word gives your fellow man the heads up that you’re on a red eye flight to Shitville and you already know you’re missing that connection.  Pack a lunch, bud, ‘cause where you’re headed?  They don’t have delivery.

While absolutely a matter of opinion and one’s philosophical outlook, there are undeniable situations of gnar that no one’s seeing as a glass half full.  Eating ribs with your hands on a date.  Locking yourself out of your hotel room post-streaking.  The DMV.  

You cannot have a bright day without a dark night, and situations such as these calibrate the gnar-bar accordingly so you can persevere and get to a place of joy; such as enjoying those take-home ribs alone at home.  Where you lay low in the ice room until your cousin Roger can rustle up some pants.  So you can take your driver’s test online.  You’ll get through this bad time, bud.  It can’t last forever. Otherwise, it’d be junior high.

Don’t let the gnar get ya down.  Who cares if it’s Monday?  For someone, it’s Friday, and that someone can be you if you call in sick on Tuesday.  It’s happy hour somewhere, and guess who’s buying?  That’s right.  The handsome one in the mirror.  No, not Harris from accounting.  YOU.

In a Sentence: “I dunno, I’m just feeling like I really dropped the ball and my astrophysics dissertation is turning out gnar, where if I had enough time to test the research and reenforce the theorem it could be so, so not gnar.

Wordaholics - Friendship Family

Friendship Family: The non-biological members of your closest knit circle, the best of the best of the best of not blood.

What makes the relationship go from solid dudes to the familial level varies; saving someone from a tiger cage, spending a week on the road following the Up in Smoke tour, flipping houses to the point you come into some serious cash could all bridge that gap.  It depends on the person.  It depends on the bond.  Also, does anyone in the gang have an annoying laugh or spoiled-sauerkraut B.O.?

Like any family, a Friendship Family can have their squabbles, internal beefs, and bi-annual taped-fist brawls, only these fights don’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party.  If anything, they enhance them.  You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some blood on the dance floor.

A bonus is that unlike your third cousin who you’re not sure is adopted, you have a green light to make eyes at a female member of your buddy clan.  It might weird out the whole room, but it’s not against the law.  Also, again, doesn’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party.  You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some gratuitous groping on the dance floor.

The size of the group is also up to debate; too large, and you become like a gang and chances are you will NOT do well sized up against real gangs; too small, you’re just a bromance.  Why you spending all that time together, huh?  Then the Brokeback jokes come in, and… you need a third.  Especially if you want to go on a fishing trip.

Having a third makes it a group.  A third… makes it a family.  Your Friendship Family.

In a Sentence: “I had a great time over the holidays, spent a few days on the farm with the fam, then a weekend in town with the Friendship Family where we mostly drank 22 ounce beers and watched Point Break; you know the Silverman brood loves some Keanu.”

Wordaholics - Future Babe

Future Babe: Complimentary, non-predatory term used to describe girls of an age young enough that they are not legally allowed to vote, but of experience enough to be miniature versions of the woman they will become.  That woman will be a total babe, you can just tell.  What?  Just talking here.

It is a father’s job to recognize his daughter’s Future Babe status, and protect her from those who would seek to exploit his baby girl’s innocence.  To keep her away from the exotic dance club, in a performance capacity, as it were.   Really?  You watch Todd Solondz movies but THIS is too much for you?

Classic Future Babe tropes include actresses playing the role of spunky coach’s daughter in sports movies, singer-songwriter’s who make too big a deal of their virginity, and the Olsen Twins.  

Oh, now it’s OK?  Right, I don’t have a daughter, so I wouldn’t understand, but I think… You know what, probably the less said at this point, the better.  Should have written up Power Medicine instead.

In a Sentence: “Man, Natalie Portman was such a Future Babe in Beautiful Girls, I can’t believe Timothy Hutton didn’t jump all over that; well, I guess I can understand why he stayed away, at the time…”

Wordaholics - College

College: As in, “Welcome to…”, “All the best times in my life were in…” and “The ‘that time” I refer to when I say, 'Hey, remember that time…’“.  

Less a grouping of buildings named for old white people and more a state of mind, College represents the period in one’s life when it’s socially acceptable to vomit in public, wear hoodies too often, and show a general disregard for Dean-based authority.

It is during this time you learn lessons of life, love, and recreational drug use that lasts a lifetime.  You meet friends you’ll never forget.  You physically encounter ones you will later wish to.  

You throw things off balconies and light said things on fire, and that’s just at Orientation.  You read The Illiad.  You eat 20 of something on a dare.  You listen to Radiohead.  A lot of bases are covered in a lot of sports and sex and games you make up.

Once it’s gone, it can never be fully recaptured.  Revisited, sure, but you can only really get Fight Club on a metaphysical level for the first time, that first time, and your original hair color grows back.  

You stop calling your buddy "Rat Shit” and learn his name is Thayne; you wear a belt; you throw away your poster of Einstein sticking his tongue out.   You never see another bean bag chair.  You shave.

Then you get a real job.

Because those student loans aren’t going to pay themselves, kid.

In a Sentence: “I would literally trade the life of any of my friends to be transported back to my days in College, I’ll pick one if I have to, just make it happen, weird Genie I may only be seeing in a drunken haze as I try to recapture that feeling.”

Wordaholics - Full Christmas

Full Christmas: The completely realized, no corner cutting big brother of Half Christmas.

It is necessary to mention that Full Christmas occurs on the birth of Jesus Christ.  Base covered.

Full Christmas takes the Half Christmas spirit of “No sweater sleeves, no Santa, no problem” and adds both sleeves AND Santa.  But it does NOT add problems.  Not intentionally, at least.

Many believe the Full came before the Half, but numerically, that’s impossible as well as possible, depending on the philosophical beliefs of how much water’s in the glass.  After enough spiked egg nog, BOTH are possible.

May you have a Happy and/or Merry Christmas, no matter which is on the calendar.

In a Sentence: “Went into the attic last night, got all my Half Christmas stuff down in preparations for the Full Christmas spread, also something about fruitcake.”

Wordaholics - DRO

Dro: Nickname for the herb known primarily as marijuana, but check it randy, it’s also known by many, many other handles.  Derived from HyDROponically grown grass, a type of lab-based pot that is, like, better and more man made and shit.

Like, you build Robocop in a lab?  He’s better than a Robocop you find in the street, right?  Same thing applies here– you want the best Robocop you can get, and the lab just does stuff that nature can’t.  Like add a gun in his hip he can just pull out when he needs to shoot fools.

I’m not knocking nature, though, back off!  Nature made wolverines and they’re saucesome.  That’s just what I say instead of awesome sauce, since that sounds dumb, but saucesome makes you think.  Like Sherlock Holmes.

Where are we? 

In a Sentence: “I just had the worst day, the boss was riding me like a gelding; I just want to sit back, watch some streaming documentaries, blow dro, and let the time pass.”

Wordaholics - Hump Day

Hump Day: The day of the week in which you do, or are aiming to commit, your humpin’.

While many tie the term to Wednesday, where one would be “over the hump” of the week, there’s been a movement to transition the phrase to a more general state of undress.  The movement starts here.  The time of beginning is now.

By declaring a Hump Day, you’re not trying to have a baby, or discover new things about yourself, or ending your senior year on a high.  You’re doing work of the horizontal variety.  You’re telling the world you have flex appeal.  You’re spiking the football before you even put your pads on.

Couples can use this as a way to tell their friends they’ll be busy, but not get too gross about it.  We’re friends with both of you guys, it’d be great to not have to imagine anything specific.  Stop talking.  I can’t unsee this.  You’re supposed to be my kid’s godparents.

In a Sentence: “Byron and Teegen won’t be joining us for bocce, they got in a spat last BBQ and they’re taking a Hump Day to reconnect.”

Coincidentally, Workaholics moves back to Wednesdays in the Season 3B premiere on January 16th on Comedy Central.  So get ready for a Hump Day of an entirely different variety… just like this oddly rambling “new” definition.  And you can keep the lights on, sweetie.  We’re comfortable with you.

Wordaholics - Weird

Weird: Slang for varying levels of sexual debauchery one intends to commit to, and often looks forward to, in certain “out of the ordinary” situations.  Those situations vary from the standard visit to an acquaintances college campus to the odd vacation at a sex-themed tropical getaway.

Most people looking to get weird are looking for a very specific level of weird they have already prepared their mind and body for, and will not accept any variation from their expected course.

While there is not a set number of levels, or even agreed upon generalizations, one knows when things are not the type of weird they were expecting fairly quickly.  

Often this is when an unexpected variable is thrown into the mix (bedroom/sandy beach/wheelless Greyhound bus).  Variables can take the shape of whips, chains, resort staff of the same sex, handguns, video cameras, live audiences, or even just a misplaced digit.

It’s best not to get weird unless you’re ready to act weird.  Also, be sure to practice safe weird at all times; because when you get weird with a freaky cat, you’re not just getting weird with them, you’re getting weird with everyone they’ve ever gotten weird with.

In a Sentence: “Gwynne told me to carb up, hydrate, and shave my back; it’s our 3 month anniversary and things are gonna get WEIRD!”

Wordaholics - Acid-Dent

Acid-Dent: An unfortunate, unplanned occurrence taking place while the participants are under the effects of a hallucinogen, most often acid.  

The drug itself is not necessarily the direct cause of the incident at hand; but to deny it’s participation in the event would be obtuse.  A wandering mind and a curious hand are often cited as major players in the game.

Careful planning and preparation can lead to the avoidance of most Acid-Dents.  Sharp objects, conventional weapons, and shiny things should all be locked up and removed from the scene of the trip in question, as well as anything that could be perceived as a warlock in the right hue of light.  

While you can never remove the threat completely from the equation, a live-and-learn approach should be applied to all future trips post Acid-Dent.  Now you know he’s going to want to play with that.

In a Sentence: “Hannibal hacking his thumb off with that chainsaw was an Acid-Dent we all could have prevented if we had made sure we weren’t around chainsaws after we dropped that acid.”

Wordaholics - Lyring

Lyring: The art of creatively re-imagining events so they positively influence a court case, interrogation, or parent’s sweat-out in your favor.

While sometimes painted with litigious words like “Perjury” and “Illegal”, Lyring tips the scales of justice in the direction of the good guys so the Franklin & Bash’s of the world may live to Franklin another Bash.  

To properly practice the practice like on The Practice, one doesn’t simply say a red car was white; one talks about how the car was driven by roided-up juice heads who came with baseball bats and kept menacingly pointing at the storefront window while blaring Bon Jovi, and they clearly were responsible for the damage, not your errantly thrown baseball.

Rumor has it that scratched into the stall door of every city courthouse is this simple rhyme– When in court, truth stay away, and live for lyring another day.  God bless our court system and all it’s soldiers.

In a Sentence: "My buddy Bert did some low-down dirty Lyring and got me out of that public urination beat, good thing, too, I got priors.“