I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Look at me, Umibouzu. I’ve grown stronger. Ever since then, I’ve desperately trying to follow in your footsteps. Ever since then, I’ve kept fighting just to surpass you. Look at me, Umibouzu. I’ve grown strong enough to kill you.
"Go then!! Leave!! See if I care!!" scenario between RFA members + MC :)
(i legit cracked my knuckles before starting to write bc I just KNOW this is going to be a long wall of text filled with angst boiiiii… ALSO this has a sorta happy ish ending bc…… my mood is too high up to write pure angst???? crushes can destroy a person rip)
((also I didn’t write V?? because I love him and honestly I can’t… squeeze my brain to get a clear image of what he’d do??? if I find a good and actually logical reaction, I’ll add him later on- but this is already super long and all-sorry!))
it’s hard for Yoosung to express his anger in a healthy way
he’d usually just play LOLOL and beat up monsters until he felt calm, but…
he can’t quite do that
MC had told him clearly:
he’s spending so much time on the game, it feels like MC is living alone
deep in his heart, he knows it’s true
with the increasing difficulty of classes, he just… naturally dove deeper and deeper into LOLOL
when he counted back, how much time had he spent with MC…?
had he even spent time with them in the past month?
it’s just when MC asks him for what seems like the hundredth time if he’s going to turn off the computer
it’s that what just sets off the stress
he really hates the anger he can feel bubbling up in him, but he can’t even avoid it
“Will you shut up?! I’ve answered you before! No! How hard can it be to understand?!”
it’s hard to tell who’s more shocked
him or MC
“What- what the fuck, Yoosung?! I’m just trying to spend some time with m boyfriend! Is it that wrong?! Would you rather just me leave?!”
he replies without thinking too much
his head is too full of anger led by stress
“Nothing is stopping you! The door is there for you to leave!”
he wasn’t shocked when MC ran out the room
he…. knew he’d acted like an asshole
what shocks him is the sound of the front door being slammed shut
he suddenly feels all the guilt washing up on him and he calls MC
he sits by the door for hours, but they don’t come
a week passes
every time he enters the chat they leave
his grades are dropping, he’s gaming for longer, and he can’t remember the last time he even ate a proper meal
he could have probably collapsed when the second week rolled around
living off cereal and random energy drinks he bought and gaming all day
it gets his mind off the trouble
when MC finally comes back, it’s more for concern about his health
at first he thinks he’s reached his limit. he’s hallucinating- stared too much at a screen and fried his brain. it can’t be. it can’t be MC. it’s a prank
MC scolds him- how could he let it get this bad? he could literally collapse and probably even die!- and also hugs him
both feel guilty, and Yoosung can’t even stop crying and apologizing as he hugs MC
little by little her stress builds up
this recipe didn’t come out like she wanted
too much work
her CD player broke
small things add up and up and don’t ever go down
it probably takes a full month before she’s at the limit
and it’s like a delicate sculpture- even the smallest touch could shatter her patience at this point
and that little touch just so happens to be delivered by MC
it’s a small mistake
just washing the dishes and accidentally breaking off a mug’s handle
“Gosh, sorry love, I’ll put this in the trash before one of us accidentally cuts themselves with the jagged end-”
Jaehee hears nothing
this has been the most stressful and tense month of her life AND NOW THIS HAPPENS, AT HOME, WHERE HER CALMNESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE-
“Are you stupid? How could you just break it like that?!”
She speaks oddly calmly for someone who was holding back stress and let it all loose at once
and it puts MC off
“I- it was an accident, Jahee- you’ve, this has happened to you before too,”
that just makes things worse
“Now it’s my fault?! I didn’t even touch the mug- stop shifting the blame onto me, specially if it was caused by your own clumsiness! Get ou- just, out!”
jaehee doesn’t know what she herself means with out
she half expects MC to get angry and shut themselves in the bedroom
or maybe shut themselves in the bathroom
she just needs to be alone and MC is in the kitchen- out, out out!
what she didn’t expect was for them to literally go out
they rush to the bedroom, and a few minutes later the front door creaks open and
MC is gone
jaehee purses her lips once she realizes this, but she tries to stand strong
she was mean, and if MC need time alone too, that’s ok, right?
a day passes
MC is clearly alive- sometimes entering the chat to deliver an important message or so, but leaving quickly without even acknowledging her
for some reason, she can’t seem to throw herself into her work to avoid thinking- that’s how distressed she is
her work becomes slow and sluggish, and she can’t even seem to concentrate on basic tasks
it’s hard, but for one time- after so many tries- MC picks up the phone
after two weeks, she’s hearing their voice again
apologies are flying all over when MC walks in- she’s prepared food, MC’s favourite drink, and she fixed the mug with some superglue she found on the store
she can’t even express how much she needs MC, and fully accepts the fault for the situation, while asking MC to maybe… stay….
always a rumor going around about him
he knows it can’t be helped, but it bothers him
MC says they’re ok! it’s bound to happen!
but each time a new fake rumor springs up MC becomes…
one day in the couch, Zen feels so alone
when was the last time he and MC kissed? or even held hands??
why is MC like this?
upon asking, MC just seems to feel awkward and shrinks into the couch
“I trust you and love you, but… It’s just… Those rumors, they bring up so many evidence, and I… I feel… No, it’s rude to say it, sorry, I’ll… Go to bed now.”
is MC implying they actually believe he’d cheat?
and usually this would prompt to him reassuring MC that he loves them, that he’d never do that
but it’s just… those tabloids and news have brought him and his manager so much stress lately, so much problems-
and now MC believes them?
he feels like he’s been punched in the stomach
“Wow, you trust those kinds of people more than me? Your actual boyfriend?”
MC turns around at this, and quickly tries to clean up what they said
they didn’t mean it like that
but seriously, the uncomfortable feeling that built up with each news article seems to lead up to MC spitting out another comment
“No, it’s just, I trust you! I… I guess those fishy news outlets and crappy tabloids are just simply amazing at photoshop and can make a photo where you’re kissing someone else that easy, huh?”
what the fuck
what the fuck
his blood is heating up, and he sucks in his breath
MC is accusing him of cheating
he hasn’t done anything to deserve this
to be fair, he did have some beers before, and earlier practice was crappy and his day had been pretty stressful- he did have a fair amount of stress on his shoulders that caused him to snap
“Well! With that amount of trust we’ve got here, maybe you’re the one smooching others when you’re out- because you clearly share so much trust, huh?!”
MC raises their voice to his level- somewhat shakier- but standing firm
“I’m trying so hard to trust you! So, so hard! But we can’t even hold hands in public- I can’t switch from being completely cold with you to being lovey dovey at home- I’m a human! Guess what?! That and those pictures do bother me! It’s actually! Kind of stressful!”
that’s his last straw
nothing in MC’s words particularly sets him off- maybe it’s the whole thing, maybe it’s nothing
“Get out of my sight! If you’re going to be like that, I’d rather be alone in this house!”
cue dead silence
both of them are clearly regretting their words- maybe not as much as they should, due to the boiling-hot blood pumping through their bodies
which probably causes MC to utter “fine” and slam the door as they leave
the first two days are hell, but Zen’s pride keeps him from trying to reach MC in the groupchat where they show up sometimes
a call they don’t answer, a message left in seen… his efforts to try and be level-headed are failing when it comes to apologizing
the second week, he’s desperate
he has received the worst critiques in his life about his acting by now- too stiff, out of character, spacing out in the middle of acting
and it’s that what prompts MC to go back after Jaehee worriedly begs them too
at first, when they unlock the door and go to where he’s sitting on the couch, it’s hard to find words
he hugs them out of reflex- god he missed them- and it’s time for MC and Zen to properly apologize before spending an hour on the couch muttering about how lonely and miserable they were without the other
The argument is small at first
it’s about a little thing, nothing too big, and honestly, he can’t even remember what it was
he can’t even remember how it escalated like that
he remembers slowly getting more irritated with MC, voice ever so slowly growing in tone, frustration creeping up on him
he can’t really tell when the small argument became an actual argument
talking- if not almost screaming with loud tones- filled the penthouse
the guards were probably all incredibly scared, and in all honesty, they’d have the right
he wishes he hadn’t had so much wine before
all he knows is that when he woke up, MC wasn’t home
he felt panic. horrible, soul consuming panic- it was worse than when Elizabeth 3rd had gone missing
he calls Jaehee
“Deploy all my guards to comb the city for MC, look for any free ad space in big and noticeable places- if those are taken, offer a higher pay immediately- MC is missing, we need to find them right now, ask the design department to-”
a big sigh cuts him off
Jaehee can’t even understand what her boss is saying
his words are so fast and filled with panic they become a blur of sound
“MC is with me, Mr. Han. They seemed incredibly upset yesterday, and asked if they could stay. I… Have no business in asking you this sir, so I won’t, but if you and MC had a fight, it might be best to let them cool off for a while.”
those words feel somewhat like nails being laid on a coffin
he tries to communicate with MC to no avail- asking Jaehee to please relay a message to them is the only way to get anything to them, and even then, no reply comes
his work becomes a complete mess
his handwriting is incomprehensible, he shows up late to work, and his documents are full of errors
it’s so bad even Zen feels worried- which is a lot
the second the week ends, Jaehee knows this can’t go on and arranges for Jumin to meet MC at her place
even though he feels awkward and out of place in his employee’s house (and probably so does Jaehee), the chance to talk and see MC is a certain yes
he brings so many gifts as apologies- anything and everything he saw that reminded him of MC, from clothes to electronics- and it almost is too overwhelming for them
apologizing isn’t that hard when he is pouring out words without a filter- a consequence of being away from MC so much and finally seeing them again
So you are on your fourteenth shower in the last twenty-four hours and yet you feel dirty, your insecurities cling to you better than your skin and they even flow in your bloodstream.
The word FAT refuses to go down the drain because it is too big to fit in through the hole and the word UGLY is hanging onto you by your nails, the word UNSIGHTLY is stuck in the mirror in front of you and the word LONELY just entered the bathroom. The word UNATTRACTIVE is still your closest friend because it never left, and the word PLAIN-LOOKING is the compliment you’ve ever felt
Shawn lets out a shaky breath as he kneels in front of her. He
can’t bring himself to look at her. He must look pathetic, kneeling, naked in
front of her, hard cock flushed red.
“Neglecting your health again? Not getting enough sleep? We
talked about this Shawn…” she chastises him, “Look at me.”
His eyes squeeze shut as shame wells up in him, his cheeks
flushing. A bead of precome drools down his cock. Disgraceful. A small, soft, unyielding hand grips the nape of his
neck, pulling harshly on his short locks of hair. A breathy moan leaves his
mouth as he is forced to look at her, his cheeks burning with humiliation.
“I said, look at me Shawn,“ she commands him, steel in her
voice. His eyes open, looking up at his goddess of a girlfriend. Her fingers,
buried in his curls, tighten their grip as she raises one eyebrow, suspicion in
her eyes. Oh god, she can’t find out. She pulls on his hair and his mouth opens
on a gasp, blood rushing to his cock. Shameful.
“Shawn… Do you like that?”
she asks him. He tries to look away, but her grip only tightens. He bites his
lip, trying desperately to contain the whimper of pleasure-pain.
“I asked you a question, boy. Do you like that?” The control in
her voice sears his skin, and a flush spreads down his chest.
“I - I don’t,” he stutters. Her disbelieving stare
embarrasses him all the more. She can’t know what a disgusting kink he has. How deeply disturbed he is. Disgraceful.
“Do not lie to me, pet. Your cock is dripping all over the
place.” Her matter of fact tone only adds to his embarrassment.
“I’m sorry love. I’ll leave, I promise just- don’t- please don’t
tell anyone?” he begs as he makes to get up, only to have her tiny fist tangle
in his hair and push him onto his knees again. He looks up at her, confusion
swirling inside him.
“You’re not going anywhere Shawn. I didn’t give you permission
to leave did I?” The velvet soft power of her voice turns his insides to
liquid. His mouth parts on a silent plead.
“Tell me what you like, pet.”
“Don’t.“ He corrects himself, “Please don’t.”
What was he
pleading for? For her to stop her torture or for her to continue the oh-so-good
humiliation? His cheeks are burning, probably permanently stained red.
“I like- “He starts biting his tongue as she pulls on his hair
again, bolts of pleasure shooting through his body. His eyes close as the
shameful delight of pain coats his bones with a comforting warmth.
“You love pain,” she states flatly, with no room for
argument. His eyes fly open, the warmth turning to ice, freezing him in place,
choking him with fear. Revolting.
Never would she be able to overlook the repulsive nature of his kink.
“Hey, hey, Shawn. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a kink, it’s not
the end of the world.” Genuine concern and confusion glaze her voice as she
brings her hand under his chin, forcing him to look at her. “Darling what’s
wrong?” Love, concern and pain are in her eyes; there is no hate, no disdain,
no disgust. A sigh of relief rattles out of him as her thumb strokes his cheek
in soothing circles.
“It’s mo- I like it- It’s more than just pain,“ he
whispers. A fresh wave of red rushes to his cheeks at her questioning gaze.
“Maybe like- I think- uhm… humiliation,” he mumbles
hurriedly, punching the words out, leaving them hanging in the room.
“Be more specific, pet. I need to know exactly what you like so
that I know what to do,“ she answers. She’s kind and gentle and genuine;
he’s surprised and shocked that she wants to know more.
“Being told how needy I look… Biting, may- maybe scratching…”
His voice wavers as he lets the heavy words settle.
“What about me being completely in control?” she asks, in a
steady, soothing voice. He hesitates.
“Shawn.” He looks at her. Open, honest eyes beg him for the
“I might… like it… And- and powerplay.” His brown eyes search
her beautiful face for a trace of loathing. How could she simply be alright
“What else, baby?” Comforting fingers carding through his hair,
his heart rate finally slows just a bit. Thankfully she hasn’t run yet.
“Kneeling in front of you like this… completely naked while you
are still wearing your underwear.” He lets out, trying to breathe properly. His
courage sinks again as he realises he just confessed to all the nasty things he
had only ever thought.
“Shawn. I love you. That won’t change because of some kink you
have. I love you the way you are, pain kink and all. Do you trust me?” Her
bright bright eyes study him carefully.
“I do.” He leans into her hand as it cups his cheek. The feel of
his burning skin against her soft fingers calms the riot in his head.
“Good.” She takes a deep breath. “Now. I need to punish you for hiding
this from me,” she teases, a small smile playing around her lips. He gulps
as his cock hardens again. Her eyes drop to his crotch, chuckling at his quick
reaction. She stands up, moving behind him. He tries to look at her but her
hand tightening in his hair prevents it. Shawn feels her foot against his ass.
“Crawl towards the bed. Hands on the mattress.” Her controlled
voice raises goosebumps on his skin. He is pressed against the bed. Her hand
gently turns his head to the side and presses it forward into the mattress. Her
fingers leave his hair, trailing down the nape of his neck, across his back. He
fists the blanket, muscles bunching, trying to be as still as possible. Her
fingernails rake down his back and a surprised moan leaves his lips, his hips
“Now. That is a beautiful sound, pet,“ she whispers
appreciatively against his ear. She presses a little kiss above his ear and a
breath wheezes out of him.
“Please.” He manages to choke the word out as her nails dig
painfully, tantalizingly, into his
back. A whine tumbles from his mouth. Shawn feels her lips curving into a smile
against the shell of his ear. Precome dribbles from his cock, his eyes
squeezing shut as she murmurs words of praise against his skin.
“Open your eyes Shawn.” His eyes half lidded when he manages to
open them. Her right hand finds its way into his hair, twisting itself into the
curls and pulling his face up a little. Her left hand moves to his throat,
holding it in a comfortably tight grip. She tilts his head up, angling his face
towards her. His lips are parted, swollen from biting them as he looks at her.
Her left thumb presses into the plush flesh, his tongue hesitatingly licking
“My pretty boy,” she says, praise in her voice. Shawn
preens under her words. He sighs, digging his fingers deeper into the blanket.
“Come on. Up you go on the bed.” Her low command resonates
through his body. He scrabbles to his feet, lying down on the mattress, kicking
the blanket into the corner. He looks at her expectantly. She bites her lip,
trying to hide an amused smile.
“Grip the headboard for me,“ she orders as she pulls off
her panties, the motion torturously slow. “Now, this is your punishment.” She
unhooks her bra as she speaks. "You will not remove your hands from that
headboard. You will not touch me; I won’t restrain you.” Her breasts are
finally bare and he gulps, trying desperately to focus on her words. “If you
disobey, I will stop and I will get myself off on your thigh. And you have to
watch and stay hard and untouched. Do you understand pet?”
His hands fly to the headboard as he whimpers yes. She straddles him, her small
fingers wrapping around his cock. Her nails not so accidentally scratch lightly
down the length of it. His hands grip the bed, frantically trying to obey her
rules. A moan punches out of him as she leans forward, her left hand burying
itself into his shoulder muscles. Her nipples graze his heaving chest as she
kisses his neck. Teeth and tongue, pain and pleasure, mixing into one
breath-stealing combination. Whimpers and pleads tumble from his lips at his
hips buck into her fist. Her lips move down his throat, a patchwork of bruises
and bites blossoming on his skin. His back arches as she sucks a dark bruise
next to his Adam’s apple. She moves down the column of his neck, sucking one
more hickey at the base of throat.
“Mhm. All mine now,” she mumbles to herself, admiring her
work, hickeys and bites covering his neck. Marking him as hers. A moan of her
name spills from his mouth. His arms pulling at the headboard making it creak
under his strength. She shuffles up his body, her thighs on either side of his
face. His arms pressing into her soft skin, his fingers closing around the bars
of the headboard convulsively.
“Do you think you deserve it? Do you deserve to eat my pussy
Shawn?” She taunts him, his lips so so close to her.
“Yes, please- I’m good. I- please let me. Please let me make you
come.” He pleads her. His cheeks turn red at the desperation in his voice.
“Alright pet. You’ve been good,“ she acknowledges as she
lowers herself onto his mouth. His lips wrap around her clit, causing a shudder
to go through her body. He sucks on the bud, his teeth occasionally grazing
her, a sharp intake of breath her only response. He lets go of her clit,
licking her pussy, his tongue entering her. Sweet delicious wetness coats his
tongue. Her hand reaches into his hair, pulling on it as she rocks against his
face. Small moans of praise and his name are his reward. Thrusting into her, he
gets the most beautiful response from her. She throws her head back, tightening
her grip on his hair, moaning his name. He feels her walls tightening around
his tongue, his nose bumping against her pubic bone as she grinds on his face.
“Shawn. I’m-“ She moans as her orgasm takes her over. The hand
in his hair tenses further, her nails scratching against his scalp, sparks of
pain coursing down his spine. A strangled moan escapes him. She writhes on top
of him, the vibrations of his moan traveling up her spine.
She remains on his face for a minute longer, catching her
“You did great baby.” Her praise washes over him as she slowly
moves down his body stopping when her wet pussy is resting against his abs. A
tortured sigh leaves him at the feeling. She leans over him, reaching for the
bedside table. Her delicious scent wafts over him, riling him up further. The
tell-tale crinkling sound of the condom wrapper makes him turn his face into
his arm. Too much. He needs to think.
His eyes shoot open as he feels the latex glide down his shaft. God have mercy on him.
“You are doing wonderfully Shawn,” she tells him as she
slowly lifts herself up. His cock nudges against her pussy. She is going kill him. She slowly sinks
down onto him and his eyes roll back into his head. Her breath hitches almost
inaudibly as he finally bottoms out. Her nails scrape his abdomen, leaving red
scratches in their wake, his muscles tightening under her fingertips. She
starts moving in slow figure eights, grinding against his crotch. His cock in a
vice-like velvety grip. The wood creaks as he tightens his hold on the
headboard further. He throws his head back, burying it into the pillow. Her
hands digging into his flesh, bruising it delightfully, make moans fall freely
from his lips. He is begging her for mercy, for more, for more pain. She
rakes her nails down his torso, over his nipple, a loud whine punching out of
him. He turns his face away from her, hiding in his arm.
“No Shawn. None of that.” She grabs his chin, forcing him to
look at her. She bends forward, capturing his bottom lip between her teeth.
Slowly pulling on it, gently biting down on it, he can only whimper at the
excruciating pleasure of the pain. She rolls her hips forward, her walls
tightening around him. Her pubic bone grinds against his skin. Her fluttering
walls tense around him as his teeth dig into his bottom lip. He is so, so
“Please.” He begs her, struggling to get the word past his lips.
“Please what, pet?” she asks, rocking against him.
“Hurt me more,“ he pleads in a sigh, a fresh wave of heat
making his cheeks flush. How could he ask
She runs her nails across his nipple, pinching it between her
nails. His hips buck into her as her pussy clenches around him. Her right hand
travels up his torso as her left one remains firmly on his chest. She reaches
the base of his throat, his eyes closing in anticipation. Small fingers wrap
around his neck for the second time that night. Yes. He thrusts up into her as the pressure against his throat
“Let me- please. Let me come,” he begs, a blush spreading
down his chest.
“Come for me, pet,“ she murmurs under her breath. He tilts
his head back, his mouth dropping open as his orgasm washes over him. A
shattered moan punches out of him as he rides out his high. She rolls off of
him, letting them catch their breath. She discards of the used condom in the
bathroom, returning with a wet washcloth. She carefully cleans his face and his
“You?” He croaks out,
letting go of the headboard.
“Already did it in the bathroom darling.” She smiles at him
softly. A blush blossoms on his cheeks. How
can he ask her to hurt him? God. He’s despicable.
“Shawn. Stop right now.” She sits on his chest again, forcing
him to look at her. Her eyebrows furrow in anger and pain. He is revolting.
“Stop it, please. I love you the way you are Shawn! I couldn’t
care less if you had a pain kink! I would still be with you if you had a foot
fetish and could only fall asleep with my foot in your hands! I. Love.
You,” she tells him, desperately looking into his eyes, begging him to see
that she is telling the truth.
“Believe me. Please. I love you the way you are, kinks and all.
And what does it say about me? Enjoying biting you and pulling your hair and
hurting you. Doesn’t that make me a monster?” She speaks calmly, apparently
unperturbed by this, but his eyes widen at her accusations.
“No! Never! Just because you like something doesn’t make you a…”
Realisation dawns on him. Her beaming cheeky grin tells him she expected his
answer. He rolls his eyes at her, pulling her down into a slow, lazy kiss. Her
squeaked laugh of delight as he flips them over make him smile.