word is art

4

Day 3 for @bokuakaweek Model/ Photographer or Fly / Wings

It’s 4 am and i’m thinking about all the things i never said to you.
I miss the way the light made your lips look
I miss the way you used to trace my veins with your fingertips
I miss the way sleep was pushed through my lips when I whispered your name,
And even though you were asleep I swore I could see you smile.
It’s 4 am and i can’t stop thinking about you.
The feeling of your hair on my face and your breath on my neck and your heart beating against my arm,
The feeling of your fingers in my hair and your eyes on my face
You know, you always woke up before I did.
But it’s been eight months since I’ve really woken up at all.
I can’t seem to find sleep like I used to.
And now it’s 4 am and I’m in a stranger’s bed and I’m laying on his chest but it feels nothing like yours and his heartbeat isn’t lulling me to sleep like yours used to and I can’t breathe properly.
My breath keeps getting caught in my throat but I have to be quiet because I know if I wake him up that he won’t hold me and make me a cup of tea like you used to.
And I know you’ve moved on without me and you’re happy now but I’m not.
And I don’t mean to be selfish but sleeping without you is the worst I’ve ever slept.
It’s 4 am and I wish I never woke up without you next to me.

“To be constantly in the prayerful spirit means to turn one’s thoughts and feelings to God. The main thing is to commend oneself obediently to His will and to accept everything that happens to us as something sent directly by Him.  
One must be totally concerned with those two things: thoughts and feelings to God.
When they are there, there is a prayer even though without words.”

~St. Theophan the Recluse

(Image of Christ the Redeemer via Pinterest)

Abuse

My mother and father used domestic violence and child abuse to make me strong. However, like medicine their were side effects. I didn’t trust anyone and I barely I trusted myself. It left a hatred for others who wanted to keep getting close because I felt they were also coming to hurt me. I was protective of my emotions and traits because I felt they were ammunition used by others who seemed like friends but would turn enemies if I let my guard down. A lone wolf without a pack or family. My own loneliness, aggression, anxiety, and depression have become my self inflicted abuse.

“You have a fever, you are going to stay in bed, I’ll take care of everything.” Zah says with a sigh. He tucks Davin in with a blanket and smiles gently. “I’ll get you more blankets.”

Zaharian taking care of Davin. @amarearts <3

Take One/Leave One

You put your heart out there.
All at once but in pieces.
You advertise to the point,
“Take one, Leave one…”
A lot of people will come along.
Some won’t even give your heart a glance.
Some will stop, admire it and take that piece that they’ve been missing.
Some will give their extra pieces, displaying them neatly on the table for you.
Others will not.
They will continue to take those pieces of you that are most important, never once considering the emptiness that will ensue if they do not reciprocate.
Alas, you didn’t think about this did you?
Put one piece out there and make the person who wants the rest of them, earn them.

The Prosen One