woods of wisconsin

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@trivialsheila​ and I road-tripped to the rural Wisconsin woods to see @jessilloo and Captain Jeremy’s new home.

Where they live a lot of people travel trails and roads on ATVs. J&J took us out in their Can Am Commander. I was pleasantly surprised how smoothly it flew down bumpy trails. Even with Jeremy drifting sideways around sharp turns it remained comfortable. It’s safe though; the machine has seat belts. It also has sturdy nets for “doors” further enhancing one’s sense of security.

What it lacked was a windshield. That’s cool, figuratively and literally, because you get wind like Puerto Rico during Maria. It’s also how I lost my hat – and got that swollen lip.

Some sort of bug smacked me hard in my lip. I call it a bug but honestly it had to have been the size of a baby eagle. A venomous baby eagle. It stung almost as hard as all the jokes Jessica went on to make at my expense. She called me Kardashian and asked me to display her obscenely large sunglasses to complete the look.

Laugh if you want but my lip and lower jaw swelled immensely. By the time we got the to Perlick Distillery’s bloody mary bar Jeremy couldn’t look me in the eye. “It’s bad, Bob. Bad!” The owner of the distillery ran to her house to get me Benadryl and the bartender gave me an ice pack. I hoped Jeremy didn’t need a fainting couch.

My lip continued to swell. I tried a Thai’d-Up martini to see if that would help. The rest ordered other interesting cocktails. I kept thinking what would have happened if that bug had gone in my mouth and my throat swelled shut. “Well we don’t have good cell service out here,” Jessica reassured me.

We moved on to some tiny bars in the woods. Jessica grabbed a straw in case I needed an emergency tracheotomy. Vodka hadn’t helped so I resorted to $2 mugs of Busch Light. Those didn’t reduce the swelling either but the low, low price sure made me feel better. Had I died I’d still have money in my pocket.

Today I’m home. The swelling has receded but my lip still hurts quite a bit my my jaw tingles.

It’s always fun to hang out with Jeremy and Jessica. Great hosts, great people.

Small Wisconsin bars are the best. Wood paneling, camo ball caps for sale, frozen pizzas, and beer. Lots of beer.

This is what they look like just before you go home.