aide moi | jeongmin & jongjin

There was only one reason for his refusal  to go and see a doctor who might could help him with his suffocating problem – one reason that did not make much sense for others but him. For Jeongmin it was more than obvious and everytime someone questioned his decision, he himself was the most surprised one of them two: to face the fact that he wasn’t competely healthy, that something was wrong with him, was a horrifying fact, one that was more than enough to make him ignore it. For the past days, the flower fairy had been incredibly good at putting the panic attacks away in a corner of his mind that seemingly was impossible to reach; now, every fiber of his entire existence was filled with the happiness that the ring on his finger caused. He wanted to believe that the perfection of these moments were more than enough to hunt the demons that ruled his mind down – he wanted to believe that the joyful laughter of his lover was able to make it all go away. Jeongmin wanted one thing, and one thing only: to finally be left alone. To be able to enjoy life without the fear of anything striking him any second of the day.

What he possibly hated most about the demons - because that was the only name that seemed to fit the attacks perfectly - was that how they seemed to go and come as they liked; it didn’t matter to them if Jeongmin was happy, sad, angry nervous or just simply sleepy, they creeped under his skin during the most unexpected moments. As quickly as they came, they disappeared in the same pace but those seconds when the air was completely squished out of his lungs, it always felt like the end was near; and he did not plan to leave the Earth this way. No matter how many times he tried to explain what really rushed through his veins during those minutes, it was impossible to draw a picture of that pure pain mixed with the panic throbbing within him. 

The flower fairy was too weak to control them  – this feeling of always standing in a corner with the fear surrounding onne, waiting for a sticky hand to close itself around one’s throat was either too new to him, or too much to handle. Jeongmin’s mind was always filled with thoughts like this; the fear, the panic that boiled under his milky skin, and the indescribable feeling of being watched by something that he could not explain yet, and was more than sure that he wouldn’t be able either. The days dragged out like this; everything seemed to pass by carefully and he himself was slower than usually, almost as if he was scared that a rushed word, movement  or just the wrong step in a direction could cause the chaos to break out. There was only one thing he tried to avoid; let anyone, other than his fiancé, know that he wasn’t his usual self with the disorder ruling his mind.

This Monday was a rather calm day – the classes rolled slowly with most of the teachers wanting to be anywhere else but the classrooms filled with the sleepy students. Jeongmin was probably the sleepiest of them all; he found himself getting so easily tired and distracted these days and as bell rang as a sign of his last class, French, ending he could feel the way too familiar weight slowly spreading itself throughout his entire body. Surprisingly, he stayed in his seat until everyone had left and only then did he rise and swing his bag over his shoulder to leave the classroom – and right after two or three steps could he feel the dizziness bubbling up in his veins and slipping into his exhausted mind. He didn’t even had the chance to fight the iron hand that wrapped around his throat slowly; first just a finger, and then adding more and more until the pure suffocation striked him by two hands. There was no escape: curling up by the wall was his only choice as his small fingers clawed at the fabric of his shirt with the demons dancing above him wildly.

The Small and Great || Yongguk&Jongjin

The past few days had felt utterly surreal to Yongguk. Going to classes and acting as if he was perfectly normal didn’t feel right when there was a cold mix of emotions gnawing at his gut, making him almost shake beneath their weight. Fear and anger, guilt and sorrow, and above all else, spiraling regret. Killing Daehyun had seemed inevitable, the only option, when his hand had held the gun. It had seemed like the only way, then. But in every moment since then, that last second had seemed to run through his mind, wearing the memory thin as paper from scrutiny, looking for some way out. Some way where Daehyun lived, and Jeongmin was safe. Some way that he wouldn’t have been forced into murdering his friend and wouldn’t have made Jeongmin worry that he was going to lose him.

The entirety of what had happened made keeping up in his classes an insurmountable task. Homework was all but impossible, as it always had been: now, more than ever, Yongguk was simply inclined to ignore it and let himself get distracted by his fiancé. In his classes, he more often than not ended up simply staring at his notebook and doodling in the margin, lost in the same familiar thoughts.

He found himself looking up at the end of English that way, blinking in sincere confusion as everyone else in the class started standing up around him. They had been assigned an in-class essay, but Yongguk’s paper was still as blank as it had been when he had gotten it. Had an entire class really just vanished? It had been the question as much as anything else that had been a stumbling point for him: Explain why, in the short story ‘Chivalry’, the old woman chooses not to take the Apple of Life as part of the exchange for the Holy Grail. Justify your answer with examples from either this text, others, or personal experience. He hadn’t had a single idea what to write—firstly, because he hadn’t actually read the assigned story, and secondly because he had spent the class wondering why anyone would turn down a life-granting object.

Standing up, the werewolf moved with the rest of the students, stopping before the teacher’s desk. He was still fairly new, only having been here a few weeks at best, making this almost the first time that Yongguk had ever spoken to him at all. But he had never been particularly shy, and he wasn’t feeling in exactly the most subtle mood in the world at the moment; the wolf was perfectly fine with being blunt, with his thoughts as lost as they were. “Sir?” he began, drawing the teacher’s attention.”I ran into a problem with my essay. I didn’t know what to write.” Not exactly the truth, but it was enough of an honest answer to get him through this exchange.

Road Not Taken || Jongjin & Jisu

The weekend had finally come and Jisu was ready for a break—too many exams had happened in much too short a time and it was about time that she sat down and read another good book; it had been much too long since she had done that either.

As usual, she had chosen a spot in the woods, quiet and relatively unnoticeable, but visible from the central path through the woods.  She sighed, grinning widely as she patted the grass down near a comfortable looking tree and propped her scythe up on it before she turned to sit down, leaning against the cool bark and gently organizing the books as she took them from her bag.

She had taken to reading through a couple of her favorite works.  The Complete Collection of Edgar Allen Poe sat open in her lap, and another stack of old classics lay in a pile to her right.  A stack of prose books sat on her left, incorporating various books, from White Fang to Cannery Row—two days worth for the average reader, but only several hours worth for Jisu.  Occasionally, footsteps would disturb her focus, but she quickly settled into the comfortable bubble that literature so often provided for her.  If someone were to disturb her, she could only hope that it was for reasons related to the books that were displayed by her side.