aide moi | jeongmin & jongjin
There was only one reason for his refusal to go and see a doctor who might could help him with his suffocating problem – one reason that did not make much sense for others but him. For Jeongmin it was more than obvious and everytime someone questioned his decision, he himself was the most surprised one of them two: to face the fact that he wasn’t competely healthy, that something was wrong with him, was a horrifying fact, one that was more than enough to make him ignore it. For the past days, the flower fairy had been incredibly good at putting the panic attacks away in a corner of his mind that seemingly was impossible to reach; now, every fiber of his entire existence was filled with the happiness that the ring on his finger caused. He wanted to believe that the perfection of these moments were more than enough to hunt the demons that ruled his mind down – he wanted to believe that the joyful laughter of his lover was able to make it all go away. Jeongmin wanted one thing, and one thing only: to finally be left alone. To be able to enjoy life without the fear of anything striking him any second of the day.
What he possibly hated most about the demons - because that was the only name that seemed to fit the attacks perfectly - was that how they seemed to go and come as they liked; it didn’t matter to them if Jeongmin was happy, sad, angry nervous or just simply sleepy, they creeped under his skin during the most unexpected moments. As quickly as they came, they disappeared in the same pace but those seconds when the air was completely squished out of his lungs, it always felt like the end was near; and he did not plan to leave the Earth this way. No matter how many times he tried to explain what really rushed through his veins during those minutes, it was impossible to draw a picture of that pure pain mixed with the panic throbbing within him.
The flower fairy was too weak to control them – this feeling of always standing in a corner with the fear surrounding onne, waiting for a sticky hand to close itself around one’s throat was either too new to him, or too much to handle. Jeongmin’s mind was always filled with thoughts like this; the fear, the panic that boiled under his milky skin, and the indescribable feeling of being watched by something that he could not explain yet, and was more than sure that he wouldn’t be able either. The days dragged out like this; everything seemed to pass by carefully and he himself was slower than usually, almost as if he was scared that a rushed word, movement or just the wrong step in a direction could cause the chaos to break out. There was only one thing he tried to avoid; let anyone, other than his fiancé, know that he wasn’t his usual self with the disorder ruling his mind.
This Monday was a rather calm day – the classes rolled slowly with most of the teachers wanting to be anywhere else but the classrooms filled with the sleepy students. Jeongmin was probably the sleepiest of them all; he found himself getting so easily tired and distracted these days and as bell rang as a sign of his last class, French, ending he could feel the way too familiar weight slowly spreading itself throughout his entire body. Surprisingly, he stayed in his seat until everyone had left and only then did he rise and swing his bag over his shoulder to leave the classroom – and right after two or three steps could he feel the dizziness bubbling up in his veins and slipping into his exhausted mind. He didn’t even had the chance to fight the iron hand that wrapped around his throat slowly; first just a finger, and then adding more and more until the pure suffocation striked him by two hands. There was no escape: curling up by the wall was his only choice as his small fingers clawed at the fabric of his shirt with the demons dancing above him wildly.