wonderful bathtub

I might be too literal of a person.

I see one of those “Imagine” things urging me to imagine coming home and finding Colin in the bathtub… and my first thought is, “What the hell is he doing in my bathtub?” Like, I’m sure I’d eventually get around to enjoying his hot nakedness in my vicinity, but before that there would be so many questions and concerns, like why is he nowhere near where he’s supposed to be, and how did he find my house and how did he get in my house and why, after apparently breaking into my home, did he feel the need to take a bath? Like, is he mentally okay? Is he in some kind of fugue state? And if so, how did he get all the way to Chicago from Ireland without his proper facilities about him? Where is Helen? I should probably phone her, but I mean, as adorable as Colin is, he’s not an actual puppy dog, so I don’t think he has, like, “If found phone this number” tags on him, although I guess if he has a tendency to end up in strangers’ bathtubs randomly, that’s really something someone ought to look into for him.

Of course, all of this is assuming I even find him in the bathtub. I mean, if I came home and suspected someone was in my home who was not, you know, a current resident of said home, I would promptly exit the house, phone the police, and maybe sit in the middle of the street rocking back and forth until they arrived. And then imagine my chagrin when the police emerge from my house with a soapy and naked Colin O’Donoghue and I’d be like, “Oh, that was a mistake, gentlemen! That… That totally belongs to me, yes. Ignore the obvious fugue state this handsome man is in and just… uh… leave him to me. Yes. Just leave him right here… No, nevermind that tag with the phone number on it. I’ll call it myself, yes. Don’t you worry about it.”

Because, I mean, just because I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with Colin unexpectedly arriving in my bathtub doesn’t mean I want someone to come and remove him. I mean, I’m not crazy or something. I’m just a normal woman trying to make it through her daily life and not at all expecting irish television celebrities to suddenly be bathing in her home unattended.

So anyway, I’m pretty sure my response to this “Imagine…” post was supposed to involve, like, sex and whipped cream and all nature of naughty things, instead of… you know… like, any and all of the above. I think I did it wrong.


oh the days are long and the seas are rough, and even the wildest and most vicious creatures of the sea have to find some reprieve. sirens bottle their songs in jars to sell to unwitting victims, and once they have them under their spell can do as they please. somewhere out there, someone is keeping the leviathan in a fish bowl. and of course, bathtub mermaids like to lounge in their heated water and let it warm their cold, sea-driven hearts.