wizards-only

@flailingwings is running Curse of Strahd tomorrow, and obviously I had to draw the characters my fiance and I are playing.

Mine is Ibby/Indubhushan, a necromancer who thinks death is the most awful thing. (based off my GW2 necromancer of the same name).  @frostfoxmorguefile ‘s character is Kirian, the always-angry monster-hunting paladin who definitely does not approve of necromancy.

I am delighted to find out that there’s a new quality meme in Russia, the Wizard “Fwoosh” Cat, fwoosh [вжух] being the sound effect for the magic wand waving. 

The Fwoosh Cat can do great magic in your every-day life, good and bad all at the same time.

“Fwoosh, you’ve got insomnia”

“Fwoosh, you’re adopted”

“Fwoosh, and money is gone”

“Fwoosh, you’re expelled” next to a list of expelled pupils in a university

“Fwoosh, black ice”

Obligatory money fwoosh

“Cannot fwoosh on this page”

“Fwoosh, and you can fwoosh on this page”

“If you see this image, then it’s your lucky day. You’ve been visited by The Great Wizard Cat, the wisest of all wizard cats of the wizard cat school. A curse was laid on you, and it will turn your life into a nightmare. Only the wizard cat can lift the curse and once again make your life wonderful and full of magic”

Magical

8

I refuse to bow down any longer.

1026. When Snape died, the first person there to greet him was Lily. She walked up to him and punched him in the face, demanding answers as to 'WHY THE HELL DID YOU VERBALLY ABUSE MY SON FOR SEVEN YEARS???'

Yesterday, the Wizarding World welcomed the season with the Summer Spell Ministry Gala, a spectacular beneficent ball sponsored by the Daily Prophet. It was an evening for dancing, drinking and, for our Saviour, coming out of the closet, apparently.

After his impeccable speech, which will be reprised on the WWN at 5pm tomorrow, before Witching Hour, Mr. Potter retreated briefly to the VIP table to chat with several acquaintances from Hogwarts, but soon was nowhere to be seen. One of the many photographers present during the event got this unbelievable snap in the gardens of the Shacklebolt Manor.

If you’re a fan of Mr. Potter, it’s probably old news that he has not dated publicly at all for the past two years, so to say it comes as a surprise he was caught kissing a man would be an understatement. He never fails to surprise us!

Many of you are probably thinking the man in question is a much more pressing matter than the fact Potter decided to date a wizard, right?

Draco Malfoy, only heir to the family fortune, has been absent from the news since the Great Trials, having only recently returned from France with a Potions Master’s degree from the famous La Voisin Institute. We have information he’s currently training at St. Mungo’s to become a certified Healer.

“It’s not just his family’s history and bad name,” said our source, a school mate from class of 91’. “Potter and Malfoy used to fight all the time when we were in school! I just don’t get how you go from that to kissing in public… it’s mad.”

Well, we couldn’t agree more. But the Wizarding World can rest assured that, no matter the repercussions of last night, we’ll be here to keep you updated as we have been doing since 1743.

At the closing of this edition, Draco Malfoy has yet to reply to our letters and Mr. Potter’s spokesperson sent a brief “no comment” official note.

(Part 1)

Context: After some shenanigans with a chaotic evil and now dead fairy, the DM ended up bringing back a comically cliche villain from a previous campaign.

Villain: (freezes time to talk to only the wizard) You may be victorious today… But this was merely a regular encounter in comparison to my infernal army. You will fall, but not before I destroy each and every person you call a friend.

Wizard: I don’t have friends.

Villain: (points to the rest of the party) Then who are those guys?

Wizard: Meatshields.

Villain: Well shoot, uh…. I’ll just…. er… go threaten those guys…

Wizard: That wouldn’t be very efficient. The half-orc’s dead, good luck getting a reaction out of the weird emotionless half-ghost guy, and the cowboy would just scream and shoot you a lot.

DM: The worst part is, that’s not even deception. Roll persuasion.

Wizard: *nat 20*

Villain: Shit… I’ll just… Leave…

(Time returns to normal)

DM: You’re true neutral, how can this character be more fucked up then your chaotic neutral character?!

Wizard OOC: Y'know what, my alignment is fucked-up neutral now.

1075. Luna Lovegood hated Care of Magical Creatures, solely because Hagrid told her that Crumple Horned Snorkaks- any many of the other creatures she mentioned- weren't real and she refused to believe him.

The party in this story are a group of low-level wizards (and only low-level wizards) who were tasked with completing their “last chance exams” at Wizard Academy™ for a chance to graduate with the rest of their cohort. It was a one-shot dungeon crawler style of game where we rotated the DM for every room. Given our level and abilities, rooms featured such challenges as battalions of house-cats, CR-reduced mimics and baby bugbears that still frequently required us to take long rests as the DMs swapped. After much trial and error (and only a few near deaths) we made it to the final test: a battle against a junk golem-style monstrosity that had access to wild magic.

Of particular importance: the current DM was an English/History teacher while Players One and Two both studied higher mathematics at university, and after an earlier incident the only serious rule we were following was “no retcons”.

DM:

 *rolls particularly well* With a great tear, a portal opens to the Elemental Plane of Cats! Ten housecats immediately appear in the arena, and more housecats begin pouring through the rip in reality at an exponential rate - 


P1:

Wait, exponential?


DM:

Yes, that’s what I said.


P1:

That’s… that’s a lot of cats, dude.


DM:

 Nah, it’s not that many.


P2:

No, she’s right, that’s a 

lot

of cats. *does the math* Yeah, see, if we started out with ten housecats, and assume that the exponential growth is per round per cat, you’ve got a hundred housecats at the end of next round, and over a thousand after that - 


DM, starting to realise his mistake:

Look, all right, I misspoke, we’ll retcon that - 


P1:

Hell no, you wouldn’t let me retcon licking the mimic earlier; exponential house-cats!


Other players:

Exponential house-cats!


DM:

 I don’t have enough minis for this…



Long story short, the house-cats killed the golem and almost killed us until someone Prestidigitation’d catnip back through the tear in reality.



“Exponential” is now a byword in our group for “poorly phrased description that will backfire horribly” and that DM has never used it to describe anything since.

solas talking calmly for 10 minutes
  • solas talking calmly for 10 minutes
Play

an audio file everybody is probably in need of (HQ download)

I am DM for a beginning group, which contains a Wizard, a Warlock, a Bard and a Cleric. The Wizard and the Warlock hate each other.

Our group entered the inn because they need a place to stay. The cost for a room is 5 sp, but a certain wizard forgot there were other kinds of currency.

DM (Me) as the innkeeper: Aye, that’ll be five silver pieces

Wizard (OOC): SHIT I HAVE NO MONEY

DM (OOC): I thought you were rich?

Wizard (OOC): I ONLY HAVE GOLD DEAR LORD

Wizard: *pulls out his longsword and tries to intimidate the innkeeper to give him a room*

DM, as innkeeper: Fine! Your room is across the hall. The townmaster will hear about this!

DM: The wizard thought that he was safe, but the innkeeper had called three guards.

Wizard(OOC): wait whAT

DM (OOC): Yes, your actions don’t go unnoticed.

DM: You can hear the guards’ footsteps as they approach your room. You hear a knock at the door.

Cleric:I’ll get it.

Wizard: NONOONNO *hides under the bed*

Guard: Pardon me, but a certain elf was reported to have threatened our innkeeper. Have you seen him?

Wizard: *casts Minor Illusion to make it seem the Warlock confessed “his” crime*

DM: *rolls for the guard* The guards did not believe in your illusion.

Wizard: NO

DM: The guards search the room. *rolls for an Investigation check* One of them checks under the bed and spots him.

Wizard: SHIT *casts Poison Spray on the guard*

DM: *rolls a nat 20 for the guard*The guard coughs, but is unaffected by the poison. He then calls the others. (OOC) You’re gonna get arrested.

Wizard: NO *casts Ray of Frost on another guard*

DM: The guard is knocked back. Alarmed, the other guards grab you. Roll a Dexterity Check

Wizard: *rolls and fails* NO*is unable to move*

DM: See you in court