Our party is currently trying to keep a book that our wizard stole from a lich to prevent it from becoming all powerful. Our bard has been tasked with hiding the book in case the lich catches the wizard and uses detect thoughts. The bard’s solution was to get a bag of holding, a logical choice, but the rest of his solution was not something anyone could have predicted.
Bard: I still have 5 bottles of snake oil, which I’m going to empty onto the bag, shove the book in the bag, then shove the entire thing up my ass.
DM: Shove it up your ass?
Wizard (ooc): What.
Ranger (ooc): Literally?
Bard: Yeah, I’m going to put the book in the bag of holding. Then I’m going to cover the whole thing with snake oil. And then I’m going to shove the entire thing up my ass.
DM: How big is your ass, Spoons?
Wizard (ooc): It’s a bag of holding, its small.
DM: I mean, sure, but the bag is a bit bigger than a dildo.
Bard: Look, I’ve had a lot of things up my ass, I’m fine.
DM: Roll a constitution saving throw.
Bard: Can I roll at advantage cause he’s into that?
I’m currently one of the 6 DMs in a 36 player mega-campaign, following (loosely) the Tyranny of Dragons campaign world. The players have mostly split up into about four parties, which are each following their own trail to track down the cult. Three of them are off doing their own thing, but one of them is in the city of Elturel and has decided to split up in order to cover more ground. Thankfully, we have enough DMs to cover them.
Then, a Dwarf Wizard decides to wander off, and I, as the last DM without a group at the moment, am sent to cover him.
For brief context, our version of Elturel has a tower beneath the town’s massive orb of undead-killing light, a temple of Sune. Her symbol is a candle, it now looks like a giant candle, all good. So, the dwarf decides to go there.
PC: I’m going to head to the tower, all the way to the top.
Me: Cool, well, you get most of the way up, but there’s no obvious access to the roof.
He then snags a nearby cleric and begins to ask him about the orb of light.
PC: “So, what’s causing that light?
NPC: “The Holy Light of Sune, it is light born from her magic.”
PC: “Yes, but where is it coming from?”
NPC: “… Her magic.”
PC: “But what’s in the middle?”
NPC: “Nothing is in the middle.”
PC: “Can I go up and take a look?’
NPC: "No, you can not study, prod, or examine our holy site to sate your own curiosity, you damned irreverent mage.”
PC: “So, can you tell me what’s casting the light?”
To save quite a bit of headache, he eventually had it explained to him in dead simple terms that there was just a floating ball of light, there was no crystal or sun or whatever, it was much like the light spell he himself could cast. The cleric walked away very annoyed. Being a dwarf character, he then got interested in the stone of the tower.
PC: “What’s the stone?”
Me: It’s something you’ve never seen. Smooth, joinless, white, almost like wax or bone.
PC: “But I have stone-cunning, and-”
Me: Yes, I know. You don’t recognize this. It’s definitely not local stone, and it might be unnatural.
Eventually, he also managed to get that it was made by magic, when another cleric repeated the story of the tower he had been told earlier. Kelemvor and Sune made the place together, so the Candle was brought into being by Sune, and lit by the pair, creating a light that destroyed undead. I thought he would be satisfied by this answer. I was incorrect.
PC: I want to cast identify on the tower!
Me: Roll intelligence. *Rolls* That would probably piss them off, given they told you flat out not to fuck with this place.
PC: “Right, I’m going to hide somewhere against a wall then cast Identify on it!”
Me: “Roll Perception to find a place and Stealth to hide there.”
PC: *Rolls* *Nat 20 and Un-natural 20 on Stealth*
Me: “… Alright, so, you hide under a table with a large tablecloth in part of the library. When you cast Identify, you are suddenly near-blinded by an incredible white glow coming from every direction. The outline of a winged, angelic figure is all you can make out, which speaks to you in a thunderous voice in a language you do not know. The gist is there, however. "Do a stop it.”
PC: I cast Detect Thoughts on it!
Me: … I’m sorry, what?
PC: What is it thinking?
To summarize: This clown, a third level wizard, proceeded to cast Detect Thoughts on an unprepared-for-that-level-of-dumbfuckery Solar. A CR: 21 Angel of a major god. Due to how the spell worked, there was nothing actually stopping him from hearing the thoughts. The end result was being dropped to 1 HP, at 5 Levels of Exhaustion, and he was Blinded, Deafened, Stunned and Unconcious for nearly 18 hours after. He was only awoken when a priest happened to make the perception check to stumble across him, after his party had come and gone looking for him. He comes to, surrounded by a lot of clerics and several paladins, all of whom look quite pissed.
Paladin: “What in the goddess’s name are you doing under there?”
He looks around blearily, and decides to repeat the words the Solar said to him. There’s a pause, and then an old elf pushes his way to the front.
NPC: “Where did you hear that?”
PC: “The god told me that after I cast identify on the tower.”
NPC: “… That means, in Celestial, "Meddle not in affairs beyond your Ken, upstart mortal.” I’m sorry, you were doing WHAT to our tower?“
He then proceeded to explain what he had been doing.
Long story short, he is now considered a Heretic and Defiler by the temple, was thrown out the front doors, and several of the game’s clerics are considering challenging him to duels of honor for his sheer ineptitude. Meanwhile, the rest of the party managed to accomplish the mission they were in town for.
What he had been doing had nothing in any way to do with their job.
Not sure how we got on the topic of Trucker Wizards at work, but I had to draw one, and a little witch too~ Could definitely push the concept further cuz I dont think the Wizard staff and robe feel quite distinct enough, but it was fun to draw!
a family can be a tv chef, a crunchy youth pastor dad, a bellicose carpenter, their boss, a pokemon, an undead pyromaniac, a denim science wizard, the world’s greatest detective, two battle lesbians, a robot ghost, a jellyfish, and death