without-them-i-am-nothing

#7 - “Watch me”

Sum: Shawn and Y/N are fighting and Y/N decides that enough is enough.

Words: 747


Originally posted by bottomoftheoceanworld

“No! Don’t you dare blame this on me, Shawn!”

 "Well, what do you expect me to do?“

 "I don’t know, trust me maybe?!" 

"How am I suppose to? Tell me, Y/N, because I am DYING to know!”

This argument had been going for at least 30 minutes now. The day had started out perfectly. Your best friend, Ashton, had just come home from living across the world and you hadn’t seen each other in years. Ash asked you to grab a coffee which you gladly accepted.

The thing was that fans had spotted you hugging and kissing cheeks and the tweets spread rumors faster than a lightning. Of course Shawn had seen the pictures and was by now furious.

“Because he is my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt you.” You responded with a loud voice. Shawn snorted and folded his arms over his chest. 

“Shawn, you meet hundreds of girls each day and you never hear me complaining when you kiss their cheeks.”

“That’s a whole different thing, Y/N.”

“But it isn’t!” You argued and crossed your arms over your chest as you took a step closer to him.

“Yeah it is! My job includes meeting fans. It’s pretty much my duty to make them happy. Without them I am nothing.”

“What about my happiness?” You mumbled and looked down on your feet. In the corner of your eyes you saw how Shawn frowned confused and rolled his eyes.

“What about it?” He simply answered.

“How do think I’m feeling when you go off touring, sometimes being away for over 6 months?” 

He stood silent.

“How do you think I’m doing? It’s not like I’m having sex with each guy I see just because you’re not home and I feel alone. Shawn, I wait for you to come home because I love you.”

Shawn snorted and rolled his eyes once again. 

“Why should I believe what you’re saying? Who knows, maybe you’ve been sleeping around. Maybe you’ve been a stupid groupie all this time? Maybe, each time I’m in the studio, Ashton comes here and fucks you behind my back?”

Outch. 

Those words hit you like knives stabbing you over and over again. How could he say that? You would never, ever do such thing. You thought he knew that. 

You just glared at him with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. You felt like crying, but not in front of Shawn. No, he didn’t deserve your tears.

Suddenly his face turned around as he just realized what he said. 

“N-no, Y/N I didn’t—" 

"Save it.” You interrupted him and turned around to grab your bag on the floor. You couldn’t stay anymore.

“Where are you going?” He asked with a voice of panic. You stood up straight and swung your bag over you shoulder and looked at your boyfriend. 

“Not your concern. I’m surprised you even care.” You muttered and grabbed your converse to put them on.

“But it is my concern!” You gave him an angry glare and ignored him. Now he cares? About time.

 "Y/N, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare walk out on me.“ He said and glared at you with a clenched jaw. You took a few deep breaths before you turned around and headed for the door. 

"Watch me, superstar.”

You were about to open the door when a hand quickly smashed the door close again. You caught your breath and jumped around to see Shawn standing only a few inches away from your face with his hands pressed against the door to hold it close. You opened your mouth to scream at him, but no words came out.

“Don’t go.” Shawn husky muttered and looked into your Y/EC eyes with such desperation. You didn’t have an answer. You just looked into his brown eyes and felt yourself drowning in them.

“I-I—”

Suddenly he crashed his lips on yours which made you catch your breath in surprise. He pressed you up against the door even more and held his hands on your hips. You started to relax and kissed him back which made him squeeze your hips even more.

After a few seconds he slowly pulled back and rested his forehead against yours as you both breathed each other in.

“Stay. Please. I love you.” He raspy whispered. You gulped hard before nodding your head slowly.

 "I’m not going anywhere.“


\ REQUESTS ARE OPEN //

MASTERLIST

2

✨G R A D U A T I O N✨

June 2017//

The end of four very interesting years as I crossed the stage to receive my Honours Bachelor in Science earlier this week. Took lots of pictures with my support system of friends and family. I wouldn’t have had it other way. I have a lot of reflections about my experience studying at one of the best institutions in Canada , which I’ll leave for a later post. For now, I’m content, happy, and hopeful for the future. Most of all I am overjoyed to see my dear parents proud of and happy for their daughter. Without them, I am nothing and as much as this degree is something I have earned, it belongs also to them.

P.S. I felt like a witch at Hogwarts in my gown and hood. It also helped that our campus looks like Hogwarts haha.

I wanted to quit and just leave this inequitable world, but I don’t want them to be sad when I’m gone. I don’t want to see them suffering from my absence and longing for my presence. It will make me feel regret and selfish. So, I keep on finding my way back and surviving each day, even though I already surrendered the fight. I’m picking up the pieces, maybe there’s still a solution left to make things better. They lend me their feet in order for me to walk, they push me to move and inspire me to continue. Without them, I am a mess, lost, nothing and incomplete. Without them, I won’t be where I am right now. Thank you for giving me the right kind of support.

All I want for this year’s Christmas is Sherlock and John living together again in 221B Baker street, solving crimes, making jokes, John tidying a mess in the kitchen after one of Sherlock’s experiments and Sherlock complaining about John’s laziness when he refuses to pass him a phone. And just see them BOTH happy again. Please and thank you.

bbc.co.uk
Plan to end statue cone 'withdrawn'

The plastic traffic bollard on the statue of the Duke of Wellington has become an i-cone-ic image of Glasgow.

So cone-troversial plans to cone-sider cone-structing a new plinth caused cone-sternation, and were widely cone-demned on line.

Cone-verts to the proposal argued that the statue needs to be cone-served.

And, they said, the Duke’s headgear presents a depressing image of the city, and cone-stantly removing it wastes cone-siderable amounts of cone-cil tax payers money.

This morning one man agreed this is a joke which stopped being funny years ago.

But now the authority seems to have cone-ceeded that most people love seeing the cone in place.

bbc scotland don’t you have anything else to do

Drop the ego, drop a bad mood

The traffic was really bad tonight so I was in a bad mood while driving.
I was determined to stay mad, like I was entitled to that after having to go through this stress.
I then drove past an ad with a silly pun. A grin spread past my face immediately. I dropped my anger.
It made me think about how silly it is to hold on to a bad mood.
It reminded me of being mad at a person and refusing to admit that they’re funny when they’re trying to make you laugh.
A sense of power comes from choosing to hold back happiness.
Like going “making me happy wont be that easy! I have pride. I will hold on to my anger, it’s the only thing I have!!”
How is denying yourself laughter and happiness a good strategy?
The ego refuses to admit this but holding on to harsh feelings doesn’t give us more power and is not a good payback.
The ego holds onto anger and hate, saying, “These are my only belongings, without them I am nothing, without them I disappear.”
Drop the ego and your whole life will be playful. Life is silly. We will all die.
The ego refuses to admit to that because it doesn’t want to die -it deems itself too important to die.
Whenever you’re in a bad mood ask yourself, “what is my ego refusing to let go of?”
Then drop it.

Hit 300 followers, today! 

Honestly, I am very happy and grateful. Never expected reaching this much follower counts. Before and after creating this blog I was a novice to tumblr systems and had zero editing skills. My only target was to hang around and roleplay; well in the midst of real life and work I choose Rping as a recreation. Before tumblr, I used to roleplay on other social sites but due to reasons my works and writing used to get lost. Then, I decided to hop onto tumblr almost a year ago. Made an account casually and began Rping. 

After being appreciated by some talented people who thought it was for literate rp, I began to realize that an actual roleplay community exists on tumblr. Hence, I started setting up pages, slowly learned how to code & use photo-shop, made more icons, and here I am with more followers than I ever expected. I already enjoyed this muse when I began, but the interactions and innovations I’ve had here made me love this character even more, although I’ve made a few other blogs in last year, I always tend to have interest to this one.  

These are the following awesome and talented friends in my bias list who have assisted me in everything. Without them, I am nothing



Unsolvable conundrums:
   (Rp partners who are undoubtedly freaking cool– my favourites!)

@lilboyyoyo / @chrcnonaut / @harleenclownqueen / @gaziri / @killing-s-laughter / @clxwniisms / @hotshotoftomorrow  /  @queryxecho / @nightixgale / @red-hemlock / @alluringobsessions / @ladyofthespade / @bloodthirstybirdbabe / @the-ouija-board-sent-me / @nobodythepolymath / @quizzical-and-quarrelsome (we haven’t rped yet but you are awesome! you’re like my ‘guru’/master) /  @thepaladinofgothamcity / @kxttensplay / @cackliingchaos / @ravens-soulself / @therobinwithgasoline  / @strayimpulse / @offireandflight / @aussieyoulovetohate / @phobiiia 

Confusing paradoxes:
   (Rpers who are freaking cool and we should interact more~!)

@oflightningandstorms / @thxrnybitch / @gliderofgold / @redcladnerd / @spxileralert / @headofghul / @msselinak / @selinapawprintskyle / @bijouxprecieux / @lunatiicgrin / @harharhxrley / @harleyclownprincessquinn / @cheiiros / @piistols / @oftodds / @batgirlbatarangs / @gunsandpatches / @lawtongirl / @crimsonthorns / @flightlessgothamite / @feralenchantress / @jurassicxsnowxwhite / @atruegentlemanthief / @stxlla-dxce / @igniticn / @lilmelvin / @exploiitcd / @wirecuttxr / @trustawitch / @sxfetynet / @arkhamsirensong / @ofmemoryloss / @kiindncss / @pinkxnunchucks / @daddies-biggest-enigma  / @pcrtytiiime / @drlesliethompkins / @rebelwithxpplause / @alloyangel / @misfitxmanaged / @iustitxa / @friiigor / @justakansasboy

Riddle diddle:
   (Fantastic Rpers whom I admire from far!)

@circus-bird / @gordoniisms / @gorgeousfire / @thexnight / @fledermaxs / @sionisassistant / @that-titan-with-the-goggles / @cowledcrusade / @belladonna-of-thraneal / @jokersdaughter / @grrlsoldier / @birdbraiin / @yourblondebat / @scrapyardbeatnik / @efflorxscent / @revving-up-the-harley / @pxwergirl / @cacciatriice / @intimidire / @troia-donna-troy / @kiranxsingh / @fastestboyalive / @chainedwitch / @pintsizedassassin / @zctanna / @gorgeousfire / @prettykittykyle / @mrsj-ester / @murderousmrzsasz / @influencedbyfear / @misskringle / @blackcowledbat / @ecotoxins / @thesecondofthenight / @crowbarboy 

 (Names are not in any ranking)

[[ I am sorry if I have forgotten to mention someone! ]]

Happy 1000 Days with B.A.P! I can’t gif nor can I make special edits, so my contribution would be this. Thank you so much for letting us walk by your side for 1000 Days. Thank you. 

            “What is B.A.P to you?”

Yongguk

B.A.P to me is innocence. Even though I’m at an age where I’ve lost my innocence, I feel it restored when I’m together with them. When I need innocence, I go to the members. They provide me with light when I feel like nothing is going right. When I first started, it was hard to see myself as part of an idol group. Those were for people who wanted to be packaged, marketed and I wanted to do my own thing. But the company promised that I could still do what I wanted, and so I went.

            I sometimes miss the underground life but when I hear the cheers of Babyz and when I know that my music is being listened to worldwide, I know that the small sacrifices I have made paid off at the end. It’s okay for me to not have anything, but I need my music, and I was blessed to have a life where I can do it.

            The members are a strength, a family that I gained. And just like a father, I’ve watched them grow up and they all listen well. These thousand days have passed by in what seems like a blur and each memory I have is one that makes me proud. We’ve gone through a lot and I think we’ve successfully received your anticipation and your cheers, so for that, thank you.

            Each new thing we do is a mountain that we’ve climbed over, whether it was our first debut stage, or the first day of our first world tour, it has all been something that has helped me to be a better person, a better artist. I want to thank my family, my grandparents, whom I hope can see me living my dream.

            Thank you Babyz. Thank you for giving me these one thousand days of dreaming.

Himchan

            They are like family. Even though we sometimes do what we want, I feel that we still cherish each other greatly. We’re six people who were fated to meet, I guess. Whether it was my best friend or my favorite dongsaeng, we get along very well. All the members have their own quirks but that’s what makes us special, and different.

            You can’t think of six people less alike, to be honest. We all have our different personalities but for some reason, we fit well. It must be because we all lack water and so that’s one thing in common! I want to thank them, though, for giving me a purpose. Everyone here is living their dream, and there is nothing more beautiful than a man who dreams.

            I want to thank Babyz for being our light. We came to earth for you and you provided. The screams are enough to light Planet Mato for many years to come. It hasn’t been a very easy thousand days. There were so many hardships we had to go through and a lot of days spent in the studio, practicing.

            It wasn’t easy becoming someone always in the limelight but I think we handled it pretty well. I think I am blessed to have met these kids, and blessed to be a part of something that is becoming hotly global. I am grateful for the concerts and the experiences we have had, and I hope that together we can move on to experience more. Members, Babyz, you know I only love you, right?

Daehyun

            I would say the hip. The hips the most important part of a person, right? It becomes the center for your top and your bottom and it’s so important you can’t do anything if it gets hurt. B.A.P is like the hip to me.

            When I was young, I was just a kid who liked to sing, and now I am an artist who performs on stage. B.A.P helped me fulfill that. Without them, I really am nothing. To me, these five people are my most important everything. They help me move forward, they help me go forth and complete my dream.

            I don’t believe in perfection; I think we can always improve. But I think with B.A.P, we can reach something close to it. We are best, absolute, perfect after all, right? I came to Seoul, an awkward boy from the country, not knowing anything and anyone but they helped me. They took me in and together, we all dyed our hair blond to fit and we practiced together.

            When times were tough and I missed home, I had the members to help me and they helped a lot. I was able to stand back up and move on forward to make my family, as well as myself proud. We’re a group of guys who aren’t very good at expressing our feelings but I think we do it well enough when we stay in the studio until the early morning hours, practicing.

            It makes my heart grow to see how far we’ve come. It’s really impressive, if I have to say. I didn’t realize how cool we are. Maybe that’s why we have Babyz right? And it’s also because of our beautiful angels that we are able to get to where we are, so these one thousand days are also a celebration for you!

             Thank you for always watching for us, thank you.

Youngjae

            Food! Haha, you probably expected Daehyun to say that, didn’t you? B.A.P to me is food because they are essential to life. I know when I first started, I didn’t feel confident because I was chosen to represent B.A.P in terms of vocals. But thanks to this country bumpkin, I was able to share and do what I want in terms of singing styles, so I am grateful.

            Looking back, I really changed a lot, didn’t I? I started off chubby with that pineapple hair and I thought I was really cool. I guess I really wasn’t. But I’m still grateful for all the love we gained when we were still starting. Even though we’re a lot more polished now, I think we can keep working hard to get better.

            There are times when I have minor regrets. Maybe I should have sang this this way, or danced this better, or whatever, but in the end, it’s not a regret because every failure is a learning experience. I am thankful for B.A.P for giving me that experience. Even now, I won’t say we’re established. We have a long way to go.

            I can’t believe it’s been one thousand days. It feels like both eternity and a day. But we’ve come far, and so has our music. Please look forward to what else we have in store. And Babyz, stay warm in this weather, okay? I only love you.

Jongup

            B.A.P is my second family! Since we’re spending the rest of our youth together, I’m spending the happiest days of my life with them. I am grateful for the hyungs and for Junhong as they watched me improve. I started off as just a boy who liked to dance, but now I’m taking vocal lessons and I think I’m better than Daehyun-Hyung now! Kidding, kidding.

            I am grateful for Babyz who always cheer for us, and who keep us going even when we don’t feel the strength. I want to dedicate these thousand days to them because without them from day one, we would never have walked the stages of the earth or get to where we are now. Everything we have is owed to Babyz. Thank you!

            I’m going to work my best, try my hardest to keep improving, to surpass expectations and set higher standards. I want to be able to make those who believe in me proud and to not let B.A.P down. I hope we can move on together. If not for one hundred days, but one thousand days, one hundred thousand days, and until forever.

Zelo

            A second me, that’s what I would say B.A.P is. Because I’ve been training ever since I was young, so I never really had a lot of friends. When I met the hyungs, it was like I’ve finally found another part of me. They look after me well and it’s a privilege for me to have grown up with them. I’m proud to be able to call them my family.

            They’ve taken care of me since I first reached my teenage years and now I’m nearing my final years as a teenager, and I am thankful for their advice and the love they have given me. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am. I want to formally thank them, but saying I love you to them is still very embarrassing, so I’ll say it here. Hyungs, I love you very, very much. Thank you.

            Babyz also are like a mother figure because they have taken care of me as well and watched me grow up and now I want to work harder to repay them. I see them staying up for us, waiting on us, and traveling far to see us. And I want them to know that we see everything and all they do for us is very touching, and we’re grateful to them.

            I want to grow up well so that I can be a better musician and artist and make my family know that their sacrifice was worth it. I feel greedy, wanting so much, but I’ve only come so far, I want to go further, with Babyz and with B.A.P.

Babyz

            B.A.P to us is something we want to protect. To love B.A.P is not easy, because with language barriers, time differences, it is hard to always be there. But in our hearts, we know B.A.P to be that group that saved us, that group that sucked us into a whirlwind of happiness, that group that was a beacon of light for us in our hardest times.

            We know that there is no guarantee with something like this, but regardless of where they go, what they do, they will always be B.A.P in our hearts, and for that we have something to smile about. We have something to be happy about.

            Not all of us were here for all thousand days, some of us haven’t joined us yet. But we are all part of that Matoki ocean, that source that B.A.P came on earth to find, and just like how we need justice, emotion, love, passion, happiness we need you too. You, B.A.P. Like how you need Babyz, we need you and hand in hand, together we can conquer and make all our dreams come true.

            Thank you for being an inspiration to us, B.A.P. Thank you for all the tears and sweat you have poured into what you do and for presenting to us, always, the B.A.P we love. We want to see you always happy, but we are here for you when you are not. Thank you. Thank you.

            We will be forever with you. Happy One Thousand Days, B.A.P! 

I gorged myself on her for two goddamn years
and now she is feeding you lies.
You feast on
her hands, her mouth, her skin, and
a thousand memories of me that I do not recall,
stories that my heart never told.

For two years, my heart was torn.
One half loved her.
Friday nights and
tangled sheets, shared secrets and stolen
kisses. Thieves in the night.
Whispers. Names like promises, names
like prayers.

The other half was all yours.
Cookie dough and
childhood memories.
People scoffed when we said platonic,
when we said it like it was holy.
Half-forgotten fairy tales.

I could have never chosen a favorite.
It was a good thing I never had to.

Now my heart is ripped in half.
Saturday mornings coming back to haunt me,
the way she takes her coffee and
the way she pinned me
against the kitchen wall.
The other side of the bed is
empty now.

And you.
Best friends forever necklaces.
Chains snapped at my feet. I wonder
if you know how she takes her coffee. I wonder
what secrets are ground
into the kitchen wallpaper.

I didn’t know how to love myself.
The only people who ever tried to teach me are
too caught up in the flames of each other to realize
I am burning.
Without them, I am
nothing.
Without them, I am
ashes.

—  They’re gone.