within the river of time is my mind

I’m going slower this time, every word having meaning. the sun keeps shining and each day I keep feeling more and more alive. I am not here to start wars anymore, I just want to make peace with the shaky waters in my own mind. I’m not scared of being by myself, I’m not scared of being. I want to move through the winding rivers and find my place within the mountains. I want to keep being.
—  august, will you be kind to me?
30 DAYS [1]

Jaebum // angst // series

I’m unsure when it began, but it all makes sense why we suddenly feel so apart.

Parked down the block, I have a clear view of Jaebum in his wrinkled dress shirt he wore to work this morning, standing outside the front door of the building I assume his mistress resides. At the door, he kisses her long and hard before adjusting his loose tie around his neck. Her hands curl up at his collar to drag him in for one long smooch afterwards. He loves it. I can tell by the small smirk on his lips.

How did I get here?


“I don’t understand how $325,000 has been withdrawn? My husband and I haven’t made such a grand purchase.” I am in disbelief as I speak with the bank teller. “There must be something wrong.”

“I can go ahead and look into the details. Just give me a minute.” The young man behind the counter types in a few things. “It says that you’ve purchased a condo at the Five Star Estates under the name Im Jaebum.”

“That’s my husband,” I explain quickly.

I did some research and found the exact address. That’s why I’m here. My god, it scares me to think he’d bought a condo for the woman he’s having an affair with. How’d he think I’d not know? Or was it his plan? My head spins and I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

I watch until he disappears inside his car and pulls away. I wait a while too to give the woman enough time to return inside until I step out to examine how luxurious the area is. I lean against my door with my palm over my chest. My heart races as the scene of the two plays over in my head. I choke on my sorrow and pain as I successfully hold back my tears. It’s not worth it. No, I’m going to be strong. I need to be strong because the thought that we each are on our own in this world has become too real.

I get into my car and turn it back around towards somewhere that’s not home. I can’t go back now. I need time. I need space. I need to recollect myself. I suddenly recall the words of my mother when I first told her I was marrying Jaebum. “Sweetheart, are you sure you want to marry this man? He’s quite popular among the ladies and I fear once he’s tired of you, he won’t hesitate to find someone else.”

At that time, the thought was far from mind. I even shrugged it off saying she was simply being overdramatic, but I hate to admit. She was damn right. So right that I’m ashamed to even tell of what I’ve learned.

I stop by a little shoreline of the Han River adjacent to the bridge. The rocks are wet and cold but I bare it. I kick my feet into the water, finding it relieving and refreshing as the fire within me begins to burn. I pick up some pebbles and throw them into the distance. Each drop leaves an echo as it hits the surface of the river.

“You’re home late,” Jaebum looks over to the door as he pours himself a cup of water from the kitchen.

My breath hitches, “I had errands.”

After a gulp or two, he walks over to me, helping my cardigan off. His arms tighten themselves around my waist from behind and I almost let my tears fall. How can he just show affection so easily after giving someone else love?

I ease away so he doesn’t feel how tense I am. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to shower first.” I hear him sigh but I pretend I didn’t.

As I leave into the shower, I turn the water hotter than I usually have it. I want it to burn me so I forget my internal pain. It isn’t long until I hear the shower door open. It’s my husband of course. I turn halfway to see he had drop his robe on the floor before entering. Judging by the steam, he probably knows it’s burning so he reaches forward to make it warmer.

“What’s wrong? Avoiding my hug and taking a hot shower isn’t normally you.” His tone is so gentle that I would’ve never thought he’d cheat.

I avoid turning around to face him. I’m afraid once I see his features, my anger will explode. “I’ll be fine. Im just a little under the weather.”

“Are you sure—”

“Yes, Jaebum. I’m fine, okay?” I sound a little more irritated than I had plan.

He doesn’t leave. He just stands behind and helps me wash my hair, something he use to do all the time when we were much more in love. Now it seems a bit forced, but I’ll take it anyway because who knows, this may just be the last.

Before he gets the wrong intention of a shared shower, I exit first notifying him I need sleep. All these excuses because I am still plotting on how to face the truth.

I groan inwardly. My mind battles with my heart on how I should feel. As I scoot into bed, it’s not long until another dip can be felt on the mattress. The light goes off and his arm tugs at my waist.

30 days.

Marriage-Making in ASOIAF Meta

A while ago, @warsofasoiaf told me I should write a guide on how to think about what I write about often here on the Tumblr: marriage speculation in the world of ASOIAF. So I’m finally sitting down to do that. I’m not pretending this is the only way you can write about this stuff, or everyone does it this way, just how I think about these sorts of questions. Think of it more suggestion than anything else.

The first thing I do when I get this kind of question is think about the particular time and place in question. It’s critical for me that I identify when and where this character is whose marital fate is being discussed. To take one example: Sansa at the beginning of AGOT is a far different marital pawn than Sansa during ACOK, and these two girls are very different indeed from Sansa, say, right now in the story. Likewise, it’s an entirely different ballgame if Sansa is sent back to her mother and brother in ACOK or early ASOS, or if she were kept at court as in OTL, or if she were sent somewhere completely separate. For another example, and something I actually wrote about: a marriage between a Mormont and a Hightower would almost certainly ordinarily be out of the cards, but for Jorah and Lynesse, the circumstances were the perfect storm of acceptability. As much as possible, I try to work within the time and place context of the question - what led up to that point such as would influence a marital decision for any character.

That leads to my second point when making marital arrangements in ASOIAF meta: identifying the parties involved. What sort of status the parties bring to the table - for good or ill - is going to influence what sort of marital alliance can be made. So, for example, if I were talking about Brynden Rivers’ sisters, Mya and Gwenys, I would have to keep in mind that they were the daughters of the king and his most popular mistress (who was herself of noble birth), that they were born bastards, and that they were legitimated: bastard prejudice is strong in Westeros, which might cut them off from marrying lords or heirs, but being noble on both sides of their lineage and legitimated, they might have well been able to marry younger sons of fairy notable lords. Similarly, when one (or both) of the parties is heir to his or her seat, special consideration needs to be taken: the crown is never going to sit for two paramount regions combining into a single unit with the marriage of their heirs (so that mooted marriage between Edmure and Arianne would have involved one of them, probably Arianne, giving up their claims to his or her seat). 

Of course, the main parties involved would be the man and woman who will actually be tying the knot, but in very few cases will these two be the only actors to consider. To give an example: in my opinion, there’s no way one can talk about the marriage of Rhaegar - either as it happened IOTL or an alternative to his betrothal to Elia - without discussing King Aerys II. It was Aerys who so despised and feared his son and heir, and the rival court he created; Aerys who sent cousin Steffon to the Free Cities to find Rhaegar a Valyrian-blooded bride; Aerys, ultimately, who had final say over whom the crown prince wed. For another example, any discussion of Robert marrying after the Rebellion has to include the interests of the newly victorious rebel coalition; they had helped bring Robert to power, and would expect the new king to reflect that in his marriage. For another example, when talking about the marriages of Ned and Catelyn’s children, I try to bring up the expectation of Ned’s northern bannermen: they had been denied the hands of lordly Stark maidens for several generations (the last Stark daughters to wed northmen being Arranna and Aregelle, granddaughters of Cregan the One-Day Hand via his son Edric and his half-niece Serena), and might have expected that, with two Stark daughters from Ned and Catelyn, at least one would be given to a prominent bannerman. 

That leads to the last, and probably the most important consideration when writing marriage metas: what do the involved parties want out of the marriage. Identifying what drives those arranging the marriage is crucial to making a realistic match for any character. So, for example, when I talked about Jaime’s proposed marriage to Elia, I thought about both the personal and political reasons Tywin would have seen Lysa as a much better match for Jaime than Princess Elia. Similarly, in talking about Daenerys and Drogo, I discussed what might have made Drogo accept a penniless exiled royal like Daenerys for his khaleesi. If I talk about Rhaegar and his search for a bride, I always highlight what I think the king wanted most: a bride of Valyrian blood but uttery without wealth or great allies that could threaten him.

Again, these are just guidelines, but they are what I use to think about AU marriages in ASOIAF or to discuss why certain betrothals or marriages did, in fact, happen.

The Queen Regent (NFriel)

Dog Days

Request: okay but what about if sebs dog got loose as he was eating lunch at a restaurant and the reader was on a run and the dog follows the reader and the reader notices, looks at the collar calls the number and meets seb to give the dog back and like seb asks the reader out huh?

Warnings: Curse words (as always)

A/N: This was so freakin cute alright. Thanks to the lovely @jarnesbrnes for this request. :) Writing this made me really miss nyc.. btw, some of these incidents may be true lol


Juggling school along with your job was quite a work. Study, then go to the building, go to the building, study.

You lived in a nice little apartment overlooking the beautiful side of Manhattan. You went to school across the street a few blocks away, had a career planned ahead of you, you name it. You also got to live in a beautiful, skyscraper-filled city by the infamous name, New York City. Being in New York meant that you had lots of opportunities right in front of you, despite it being overly crowded.

Living in the city was a handful, obviously because you had a lot of things in mind, despite the fact that you had everything you need to get through the days. Work, school, family and friends were stressing you out. The only way you could get rid of the stress was to simply to just run.

It was a Sunday. You had a day off from your job in the city, so you decided to go on your daily run around the city. You were a fairly organized person, you admitted. You had schedules and everything planned ahead of time. Seeing that you had nothing planned today, you got out from your desk, and headed to your bedroom to change into some shorts, and a workout tank top. Once you tied your hair, hanging it in a high pony tail, you went to the front of your apartment to put on your shoes, and headed out the door, grabbing your headphones along the way. You looked at your phone and took out your maps.

You hadn’t jogged around Central Park in a while, so while you walked down the steps of the building and to the busy streets, you plugged in your headphones, choosing your song, and went up the street, starting your journey to Central Park.

Central Park was about a good 5 minutes from your place, so the jog there wasn’t that bad. Running around people in their various business suits and I Love NYC tourist  shirts, you were about 3 more blocks away from your final destination. While jogging, you looked at the various outdoor restaurants across the block, deciding you’d probably stop by before you get home, to get something for a late lunch.

“Hey, man. I’m at the restaurant now. Are you here yet?” Sebastian asked, getting out of his car, holding his dog’s leash. He had his phone in one hand, the leash in the other as he entered the outdoor seated restaurant.

“Sorry, Seb. I know we’ve planned this last week but I can’t make it. Sorry bro.” his friend said on the other line.

Sebastian sighed. “It’s alright, man. Next time?”

“Definitely. See you next time.”

Sebastian had lunch planned with his friend at 12:30 P.M, but apparently his friend had to cancel his rendezvous with Sebastian, due to the fact that he claimed to have a late photo session with one of his clients. Sighing, Sebastian put his dog, Betty’s leash on the floor, before sitting down. He might as well have lunch, since he’s there anyway.

“Guess it’s just me and you, Betty.” Sebastian mumbled to his dog, only getting a nose lick in response. He took a menu from one of the waiters and looked over the meals. “Don’t go runnin’ out on me, alright?”

You made it to the entrance of Central Park, stopping in front of the horse statue to catch your breath. Once you caught the amount you needed, you started running around the gigantic park.

It was around 85 degrees with 90% humidity, but you didn’t mind it. You got use to the crazy New York weather within a week. You wiped the sweat from your forehead, knowing that you looked like a mess, drenched in sweat. Running across one of the park’s mini bridges, you felt eyes on you as you ran by. Did you look that bad? By the time you reached the the end of the small river that flowed under the bridge, you felt something trickling down your leg. Shit, did I start my period? You asked yourself. Or were you sweating that badly.

You immediately stopped in a halt on the side of the walkway, before something pushed you over, causing you to land on a couple rocks and dirt. You sat down on the side, grimacing at your new bleeding scar that you knew would be there for a week. Groaning, you got up and looked around.

Okay, what fucker decided to push you over.

You looked around and found no sign of a kid looking at you, before you looked down at a multicolored brown and white dog smiling up at you. You frowned at the dog, tugging its blue leash.

“Alright, whose dog is this?” You asked out loud. People around you looked at you in confusion, some responding to you saying that the dog wasn’t theirs. You sighed, bending down to look at your new friend.
“Who do you belong to, little guy?” Or, big guy, you should’ve said. The dog looked like a big walking rug.
You took the leash in your hand again and started walking back to the park’s exit, your new furry friend following close behind.

You got to the front of your apartment building in a good time. Walking in, the older lady at the front desk eyed you.

 “We don’t allow pets in here, you know that, (Y/N).” She said, gesturing at the dog.

“Yes, I know.” You said. “But you see, he’s not mine and I’m holding him for someone.” You tried to explain. The lady groaned, taking her glasses off.

“Take him up then. Can’t have him for more than 4 hours or else I’ll increase your rent again, (Y/N).” The lady said, writing your name down on a piece of paper. You did this once before for your friend, Riley. She needed her pet rabbit to be taken care of once and you had to keep it for a few days. You snuck the little creature into your apartment, thinking that the front desk wouldn’t notice, but they did eventually.

Walking up the steps, you reached into your pocket and grabbed your keys. Unlocking the door, the dog immediately found your couch and sat down, rubbing its back along the pillows. Chuckling, you grabbed a bowl and filled it with water, placing it under the kitchen island. You walked up to the dog, sitting down next to it.

By the time you two got to the apartment, it was around 6.

“Now, what is your name, big guy?” You asked, taking the collar in hand. You turned the bone shaped pendant around, exposing letters on the back. “Hmm. Betty.” You said. The dog’s ears perked up to the sound if her own name. You smiled, looking at the number that was attached to the collar as well. As Betty got up to drink the water you left out, you got your phone out and typed the number in. The phone rang 5 times before a voice spoke.

“Hello?” The man on the other line said.

“Hi, my name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N). Do you happen to be, uhm.. Missing a dog?” You asked, walking to the kitchen to sit on the barstool with Betty at your feet.

The man nervously laughed. “Yeah, in fact I am. I’ve been looking for her all this afternoon. Do you have her?” he asked. You heard shuffling in the back. He was probably getting ready.

“Yeah I have her. She followed me on my run today,” you laughed “was quite the company.”

“I’m so sorry about that. Look, I’ll..Tell me where to meet you and I’ll get her out of your hands right away.” You heard cars in the background, indicating that he probably stepped outside.

“You can meet me at 1000 5th avenue.” You responded before going to your bedroom to change into jean shorts. “Oh, and can I get your name? Just so I know that you’re an actual person and that you won’t kill me.” You joked, throwing on a sweater.

“Oh, right.” He laughed. “I’m Sebastian, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you. Well, we’ll be heading out now. You’ll have your dog in no time.” You smiled. You took Betty’s leash and headed out, saying goodbye to Sebastian on the phone.

You walked down to the entrance, meeting the same lady. “I’m getting rid of her, see?” You said before walking out the door. You chose to meet the guy at the Metropolitan Museum of Art because it was fairly close to your building, and you wouldn’t want him to meet directly at your place, for safety reasons.

Once you and Betty got to the destination, the two of you sat down on the steps and waited for her owner. You looked up at the sky and saw that it was just about sunset, but the sun was still out. You went on your phone as you waited for Sebastian to arrive. Once you felt Betty tugging at the leash, you looked up and saw her running to a guy that was approaching you.

 That must be him.

You walked up to him with a smile on your face. Hello there, Sebastian.

“Betty! Good god, you’re alright.” he said, bending down to ruffle the dog’s hair. He stood straight up, now holding the dog’s leash. “Hey.” He spoke, smiling down at you. He stuck his hand out for you to shake. “I’m Sebastian.”

You smiled, shaking his hand. “I’m (Y/N).” Looking down at Betty, then to Sebastian, you spoke up. “So how did a guy like you loose a dog like her?” You asked, crossing your arms. Betty sat between the two of you.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” He said. “I sat down with her at a restaurant and when I turn away, she’s gone just like that. Now tell me, how’d a girl like you find a dog like her?” he asked, mocking your sentence.

“Well, I was going on my daily Sunday run around Central Park, when all of a sudden, this little cutie decides to push me to let me know she’s there.” You laughed, petting Betty’s head.

Sebastian stared wide eyed at you, mouth gaped. “Did she do that to you?” He asked, pointing at your dry bruise you forgot to clean up. “Shit, I’m so sorry.” He nervously laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’ll be fine.” You admitted. This guy was cute. You wondered if you’d be seeing him again.

As if he read your mind, he responded to you. “Well, (Y/N), how about I take you out? You know, to say thanks for finding my dog and stuff. My treat, obviously.” He shot you a smirk that made your heart beat at a rapid pace.

“As long as you don’t kill me or hold me captive.” You joked again. “I’m not that interested in guys who like to keep their girls in basements, nor am I interested in trying out Stockholm Syndrome.”

He laughed. You noticed how his eyes crinkle at the ends, making you smile at that remark. You think you’d give this guy a shot.

“I promise you, I am no killer.” He said, holding his hands up in surrender, leash in hand. “You can run a background check on me, if you want.”

“I should. Just not right now. Maybe when I get home.” You shrugged. “I just realized that I didn’t get your full name. I told you mine, so you should return the favor if you’re taking me out.” You said.

“Pardon my manners.” He replied. “I’m Sebastian. Sebastian Stan.” He said smiling again. You nodded in approval.

“Nice guy with a nice name.. Hmm. Might have to give it a shot.” You said. Looking down at your watch, you realized it was getting dark out. Sebastian noticed too.

“Shoot. It’s getting late.” He said, pursing his lips together. “So, (Y/N), how about this: You look me up - maybe do a quick background check on me, just in case curiosity kicks in, you call or text me, and boom, a date is set up.”

You raised your eyebrows. “Sure got this all planned, Mr. Stan.” You smirked. “I’ll call you if I’m satisfied with the results.”

“Sounds great! I’ll see you soon, Ms. (Y/L/N).” He said. He turned around to walk the opposite direction, but Betty was going your direction.

“C’mon, Bets. We’re going home.” Sebastian said, tugging at the leash. Betty whimpered, making you laugh and turn back around. You bent down to scratch the underside of her chin. “She seems to like you.”

You gave her a kiss on her forehead, before standing up to face Sebastian again. you shrugged.

“You ever heard of the phrase where dogs find a partner’s soulmate?” He smirked. “Betty approves of you.”

You laughed at his response. This flirtatious bastard. “Never heard of it.” You said. “I’ll see you soon, Betty.”
You started to walk in opposite directions again before you heard Sebastian’s lovely voice again.

“Does that mean you will see me?” He asked.

You slowly turned on your heel. “Can’t guarantee it!” You yelled before turning around the corner.

Stuffing your hands in your jean pockets, you thought of the small moment you had. Attractive stranger looses attractive dog, finds you, then asks you out on a date. You obviously looked him up on the internet when you got home, wikipedia showing you that he was an actor and he was famous, but you didn’t care. Of course you wouldn’t pass up his offer. The guy asked you out on a date, how could you say no?

As you sat down on the couch, your feet propped up on the table, you typed in Sebastian’s number and started texting him.

Never knew you were an actor.

You typed. It only took a few second before he responded.

Told you I wasn’t a serial killer.

Hey, you never know!

:) So, what is your final decision?

You took a few seconds to respond, but finally came up with an obvious answer.


What? Why?

You laughed, shaking your head as you read his reaction.

I’m just kidding! of course I’ll go on a date with you.

Fuck, you scared me for a minute there! Great. Dinner and a walk in the park next Friday?

You exited the app to look at the calendar. Surprisingly, you didn’t have any classes. You mentally rejoiced in happiness.

As long as you bring Betty. ;)

Will do. :)

Oh, and btw, you owe me a few dollars for my rent.

Release a Regret Chant for the Full Moon

You will need three candles – one light blue candles for peace – one black candle to absorb the negativity – one red candle to represent the driving force and strength.

Start by lighting the black candle and say:
This candle represents the universe. By the flame of this candle, absorb the negativity that has taken my mind.

Then light one blue candle and say:
This candle represents peace of mind. By the flame of this candle, I call upon the guardians of peace and ask that you may grant me serenity.

Regret of mine
Running through my mind
In this moment
I leave the past behind.
Now leave my mind,
I release you.
Sever this bind,
I release me.  
By sky, sun, moon, and stars,
Regret in mind I end this war.
By candlelight I clear this space,
Fill the void with hold grace.

Light the red candle and say:
This candle represents the driving force behind this spell and the strength that is within me.
By the flame of this candle, I drive out the negativity within my mind and I replace it with strength.

Allow for the candles to burn down – you can use this time to mediate and reflect.
Once you have finished, you need to take these candles remnants and bury them away from your home. Or throw into a river that flows away from your home.

I am not personable.

A dreamer. Terribly finicky, my mind vast, spacious,

drenched in violets.

The rivers run black with the soot of my mind.

The graves dance, myself always within and without reach.

I am dying and they know it.

I am a trial, a test. Droves of doves.

I carry you, with me always.

Your hum, your mark. My love.

Even though I have been violated.

Rendered, an artery with outlet, time,

time again.

The closer, my narrowness, my coming to death

the more myself, I know.

Terrible, my loyalty.

So blinded, I would be, time

time again.

I only begin to know undone.

I choose to believe that everyday, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, the Universe is continuously and consistently working towards a greater plan for me. One that I am still largely unaware of. It is conspiring in my favour and carefully aligning all which is meant to come my way. Specific people, places, experiences and encounters. Nothing is a coincidence and nothing is meaningless. And ultimately, although at times I tear up with frustration and impatience - begging my plan to unravel faster - I know, deep within me, that it cannot be forced. It cannot be pushed or prodded at before it is ready. Improvement seldom occurs over night. And while, at face value, it may seem as though my life is not changing, I must trust that it is. That every moment, no matter how small, is significant to my growth. And that within time, everything will make absolute sense to me. Understanding will flow through me like a river and my mind and my heart will finally come to know greater peace. 

1. Your voice still echoes through the friendly confines of my shattered mind. My tears, they flow from time to time, with rivers of memories of the days we used to lay beyond the stars and you’d whisper in my ears the sounds that angels long to hear.  I should have heard the wolves, screaming in the distance. There is love within how they miss the moon when daytime rises. A howl triumphs over an empty whisper.

2. Just before the rain fell down last night, I could smell the air warning the world that the skies were going to open up. And – I swear to you – you could smell the defeat from my eyes the day you left me. And I fell to the floor in a blanket of my sorrows as a million voices told me it was going to be okay – but not one, not one was yours. When the rain falls we embrace umbrellas, where were you to carry me when my tears fell?

3. I saw your favourite movie on the television tonight. You used to quote every word to me, in different voices as your smile drowned in the dimples on your cheeks. You’d put your nose on mine as you spoke about how the world is an imperfect place. You seemed quite perfect to me, but now I know that wrong can be a state of mind. And how ironic it was that you’d kiss me as “…don’t you forget about me….” poured out of the speakers. It’s not as easy as you’d think.

4. I can still taste your final kiss goodbye on my lips sometimes. A mix of cherry wine and apathy is a flavour that you don’t crave often. You  consumed me whole with your tangerine eyes and spat me out into a colourless world, hopeless but begging for more. I miss the taste of wanting you. Oh how cruel it is to fall in love, and fall apart all at once.

5. Run they told me, run as fast as you can. You’ll never make it out alive once you let your heart control you. But it catches you, it always does. I’ve never felt my heartbeat as fast as it did for you. It pulled me to you, it took you by the arm and my heart carried you away – or so I thought. I found out through time that feelings can’t carry wings. They set you free and when you try to soar you fall, and you fall, and you fall. Caught up, or caught. I fell so hard the bruises that you left in me have never healed. You know you’ve fallen too hard when you can feel the ground when they let you go. How dumb I was the misconceive hello for goodbye, and I love you for I’ll leave you.

—  m.h - five reasons i should have come to my senses