Transcription of “history of japan”
welcome to my night, where i basically sat down for a whole hour typing this entire thing down.
wtf am i even doing.
Japan is an island by the sea, filled with volcanos and its
♪ beautiful ♪
In the year negative a billion; Japan might not have been here.
In the year negative forty thousand; it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it.
Then it got warmer some icebergs melted and it became an island, and now theres lots of
♪ trees ♪
because its warmer.
So now there’s people on the island that’s basically just hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like
stones and bowls.
Ding dong ♪
It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like, really good metal and crazy rice farms.
Now you can make a lot of rice, really, really quickly.
That means if you own a farm,
you own a lot of food,
which is something everybody needs to
So that makes you king.
Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here.
The most important kingdoms were,
- and here.
But this one was the most, most important.
Ruled by a heavenly superperson
or Emperor for short.
get the door, its
♪ religion ♪
The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from
“Please try this religion.” he said.
“No” said everybody.
“ ♪ Try it ♪” he said.
“No” said everybody again, quieter this time.
And so, the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it.
Then the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms like,
- making the Government govern more.
- And making the Government more like China’s Government, which is a Government that governs more.
“Hi China.” they said.
”Hi dipshit.” said China.
“can you call us something else other than dipshit?” said Japan.
“Like what?” said China.
“ ♪How about sunrise land ♪” said Japan.
And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book.
And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves.
Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for awhile.
and they conquered the north, finally.
Get that squared away.
A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China and learns a better version which is more
comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be
for a long time.
And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country.
So if you lived outside the palace how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals?
♪ h i r e a s a m u r a i ♪
Everyone started hiring Samurai.
- rich, important people hired samurai.
- poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.
The samurai became organised and powerful.
More powerful than the government.
So they made their own military government
They let the “Emperor” still be “Emperor” but the Shogun is actually in control.
The Mongols have invaded China!
“We’ve invaded China.” said the Mongols. “Please respect us or else we might invade you as well.”
“okay.” said Japan.
So the Mongols came over, ready for war and–
died in a tornado(typhoon).
But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then–
died in a tornado(typhoon).
Then the Emperor overthrows the Shogunate and Shogunate overthrows them back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new Shogunate.
And the “Emperor” can still dress like an Emperor if he wants.
♪ now there’s more art ♪
- like painting with less colours
- collaborative poetry
- monkey fun
- tea parties
its time for–
~who’s going to be the next shogun?~
Usually its the Shogun’s kid.
But the Shogun doesn’t have a kid so he tries to get his brother to quit being a Monk and be the next Shogun.
He says “ok"
But then shogun has a kid.
So now who’s it gonna be?
~vote now on your phones!~
And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down.
The Shogun actually didn’t care,
he was off somewhere doing poetry.
And the whole country broke into pieces.
Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and
its anybody’s game.
No, they’re not here to take over (yet)
They just wanna sell some shit, like clocks and guns.
and ♪ Jesus ♪
so thats cool.
but everyone’s still fighting each other for control.
~now with guns~
and wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital?
Which right now is puppets with no one controlling them.
This clan is ready to make a run for it.
But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way.
smaller clan wins and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital and it goes very well.
He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him, kills him and then someone else who works for him, kills them
and that guy finishes conquering Japan.
and then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules.
“and now I’m going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China”
he said and failed and also died.
But before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan.
And the five guys said,
“yeah, right. its not gonna be this kid, its gonna be one of us, cuz we’re grown ups.“
And it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others.
A lot of people support him but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins and starts a new Government.
♪ Edo ♪
and he still lets the Emperor dress like an “Emperor” and have very nice things. But don’t get confused, this is the new government and they’re very strict.
So strict they closed the country.
No one can leave and no one can come in.
Except for the dutch because they wanna buy and sell shit but they have to do it right here.
Now that the entire country is not at war with itself,
the population increased a lot.
- business increased
- schools were built
- roads were built
- everyone learnt to read
- books were published
- there was poetry
- sexy times
- puppet shows
and dutch studies.
People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch.
- and maybe even electricity.
Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do–
its the united states.
with huge boats with guns,
“open the country. Stop having it be closed.”
said the United States.
Theres really nothing they could do so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain and Russia visit Japan anytime they want.
Chōshū and Satsuma hated this.
“that sucks.” they said.
And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again and moved him to Edo which they renamed, Eastern Capital.
they made a new government which was a lot more western.
they made a new constitution that was pretty western.
and a military that was pretty western.
And did you know what else was western?
Thats right, its conquering stuff.
So what can we conquer?
Korea, they conquered Korea.
Taking it from its previous owner, China.
and then go a little bit further and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says,
“stop, no, you can’t take that.
We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.”
and Russia builds their railroad supervised by a shit ton of soldiers.
and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton.
Did i say downgrade?
I meant upgrade.
And Japan says,
“can you maybe chill?”
and russia says,
“How About Maybe You Chill?”
Japan is kinda scared of Russia.
You’ll never guess who’s also kinda scared of Russia.
So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be
a little less scared of Russia.
Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia.
Just for a moment.
and then they both get tired and stop.
♪ it’s time for World War 1 ♪
The World is about to -Have A War-
Because its the nineteen hundreds and weapons are getting crazy.
and all these Empires are excited to try them out on each other.
Meanwhile Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants–
and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands.
And all of that stuff belongs to Germany which just had war declared on by Britain because Britain is friends with Belgium which is being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France is friends with Russia who is getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria is getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass or–
actually shot on the head.
and Britain is currently friends with Japan so you know what that means.
Duh, ♪ Japan should take the islands ♪
which they wanted to do anyway.
So they called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know.
and then they did it, and they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff.
Now the war is over.
You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what.
And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany, you also get to join the, Post-War Mega alliance–
♪ the League of Nations ♪
Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world.
The great depression is bad and Japan’s economy is now crappy.
But the military is doing just fine and it invades Manchuria and the league of nation’s just like–
“No don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not supposed to take over the world.”
and Japan said “♪ How bout I do anyway? ♪”
And Japan invaded more and more and more and, more of China.
and was planning to invade the entire east!
~You got mail~
Its from Germany.
the new leader of Germany,
he has a cool moustache
and he’s trying to take over the world
and needs friends.
This also got forwarded to Italy,
they all decided to be friends because they had so much in common.
♪ it’s time for World War 2 ♪
Germany is invading the neighbours.
Then they invade the neighbour’s neighbours.
Then the neighbour’s neighbour’s neighbours who happened to be Britain said, “holy shiit”
and United States started helping Britain because they are
♪ good friends ♪
and started not helping Japan because
♪ their friends and our friends are not friends ♪
♪plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean ♪
The united states is also working on a large very huge bomb.
bigger than any other bomb, ever™.
Just in case.
But they still haven’t joined the war.
War looks bad on TV and united states has really started to care about their image.
But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii,
and challenges them to war.
and they say yes, and then Germany,
as a symbol of friendship,
declares war on the United States also.
So the United States goes to war in Europe.
and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany.
and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan.
And they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works.
So they dropped it on japan.
they actually dropped two.
United States installed a new Government, inspired by the United States Government.
with just the right ingredients for a
♪ post-war economic miracle ♪
And Japan starts making
- and camcorders
as fast as they can and also better than everybody else.
they get rich and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off.
But everything’s still pretty cool i guess.
♪ bye ♪
i did it. Thank you Bill Wurtz for this wonderful masterpiece.
also p.s.: i sincerely apologise if someone has already made a whole transcript of this. pls u can hire a samurai against me if u wan 2 ;A;