It’s the sixth grade. Somehow, I had come across a catalogue for the store they bought all the school store crap from. You know, the smelly erasers and dumb keychains that they sell for like a buck apiece. So I somehow got this catalogue, and little old entrepreneur me was like “I should buy something from this and sell it at school for an absurdly high price to gain basically pure profit.” As sixth graders do. So I bought two huge tubs full of these keychains called Jellybears. This is what they look like.
So I bought a metric fuckton of these assholes for about 20 cents a piece. I start selling them at school for a buck fifty. Like I said, pure profit. 6th grade me was brilliant. I broke even in like eight seconds of me whippin these bad boys out at school. Saying these are were a hit is an understatement. They were like a home run triple, or some other sports metaphor. People are buying this shit at lunch time, between classes. Shit, one girl even admitted to selling the ones she bought off me around her neighborhood for like five bucks. I was happy to be the middleman, but I digress. The point is, not only did I gain entrepreneurial skills, I also made a pretty penny. However, a month into my brilliant business, I get a call down to the office.
I had never been called to the office before. I was such a goody two-shoes you wouldn’t believe. This was in a school that boasted like two fights per week. The ratio of cops and administrators to students was like 1:3. And there were 1700 people at this school. That’s a whole lot of authority figures for a whole lot of miscreants and ne’er-do-wells. And here I was, reading large pretentious books and wearing polo shirts, with a gigantic backpack and in an advanced math class. I was, and still am, a lame weeny. Just wanted to put that in perspective.
Anyway, I was called down to the office that day. Literally shaking in the huge chair they had for me, facing down the terrifying vice-principal, she pulled out a Jellybear.
It was the DIVA one, if I’m not mistaken. I was then given a good lecture about how I’m not allowed to sell things on campus without explicit permission, yadda yadda, the whole spiel. Except I felt there was something fishy about the whole thing. Maybe it was how she held the Jellybear in her hand, perhaps it was the way she confiscated the rest of them.
After asking around with the intense gossip network of middle school, I discovered the real reason the administration confiscated the Jellybears.
They had reason to suspect I was filling them with vodka.
They had reason to suspect that I, the tiny, stupid haired, braces-clad sixth grader who played a tuba bigger than she was was the head of a sophisticated alcohol distributing cartel in which I punctured and drained the goop from cute keychains, refilled them with straight vodka with a syringe, sealed them off with no trace, and sold them around school.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered that they assumed me capable of that sort of espionage, or insulted that they thought me dumb enough to sell middle schoolers straight vodka for A BUCK FIFTY.
really who did they think i was i was in advanced math for petes sake.
every song that fall out boy has never played live
•Twin Skeleton’s (Hotel in NYC)
•The Mighty Fall
•Alpha Dog (never performed in full)
•From Now On We Are Enemies
•The (Shipped) Gold Standard
•West Coast Smoker
•Lake Effect Kid (never performed in full)
•Bang The Doldrums
•Fame < Infamy
•You’re Crashing, But You’re No Wave
•I’ve Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers
•It’s Hard To Say “I Do”, When I Don’t
•I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Say You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)
•7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)
•Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends
•Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (For Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)
•Snitches and Talkers Get Stitches and Walkers (Album version was never performed live)
•My Heart Is the Worst Kind of Weapon
•It’s Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine, I •Am Thinking It Must Be Love
•Love Will Tear Us Apart (Cover)
•Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)
•Calm Before The Storm (this version was never performed live)
•Pretty In Punk
•The World’s Not Waiting (For Five Tired Boys In A Broken Down Van)
•Short, Fast, and Loud
•Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (But I’m Gunna Give It My Best Shot)
•Hand of God
•Austin, We Have a Problem
•My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Original)
•We Don’t Take Hits, We Write Them