with my own mother

9

Poirot and the 1930s Charleston dance

9

roadtrip with seokmin moodboard

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I’ve been feeling pretty defective again today.  No matter what I do, I keep pumping less and less while Stevie keeps eating more and more.  Then this morning, Tim commented that he still feeds him a bottle of breast milk every day when I remember to leave one out to warm for him, but Stevie ends up pretty much burping all of it up.  Tim must have seen my disappointed face because it seemed he tried to cover it up by saying “It’s just because he likes it so much he drinks it too fast.”

If I can’t at least keep pumping one small bottle a day (today I got a total of 3 ounces when I was pumping at least 5oz a day last week) then I might give up entirely.  I don’t know what it hurts so much to be considering this, other than I wanted to be able to breastfeed him so much.  Idk, maybe I’ve been trying to make up for not having a bond with my own mother -who never seemed to want one anyway- by doing everything I can to bond with Stevie, and I feel like I failed.  I always feel like such a failure.

“I fostered thirteen little babies in my life. It’s just a passion I have in my heart. Often they’d just come wrapped in a blanket. I could only foster one at a time because I had five children of my own. But one time a mother dropped three children off on my doorstep. She had just given them chocolate ice cream. I’ll never forget how the ice cream was dripping off their faces. Most of the time I’d only have the children for a few months. And once they were adopted, I’d never contact them again. But I often wonder what happened to them. Maybe we’ll meet again in heaven.”

7

‘Sleep, little cub.’

This may not mean a whole lot for some people, but it does to me. Finn (The small galra girl) is Keith and Lance’s adopted daughter. The song is by Abba and a song that my own mother sang to me. I imagine that Keith would sing it to his little girl when she needed it most. 

shit it blows my mind that there’s black people who still don’t believe colorism is a real thing like I literally remember niggas making dog and monkey noises at school, I remember my own family members telling me I wasn’t pretty enough to pursue modeling because of my skin color, I remember constantly being overlooked for my white and light skin friends, like my own mother telling me to wash my skin better because I was too dark and my skin looked dirty, I mean as a kid I saw NO ONE on tv, magazines, billboards, etc who looked like me. I mean man how can y'all say there isn’t a hatred for dark skin in the black community? come on now

Reasons Why Beauty and the Beast was Amazing

*SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY*

•Prince Adam’s makeup tho

•"A certain je ne sais quoi" “I don’t know what that means” Gaston, you’re French!

•The Bimbettes

•"It’s never gonna happen ladies"

•Belle invents the washing machine

•Maurice freaking out over Chip

•Plumette and Lumiere’s love for each other

•Belle doesn’t even get to eat any of the food

•When she goes in the West Wing and looks at the painting, the Beast has clawed over his father’s and his own face, but left his mother’s in tact *my heart*

•The entire Gaston song

•"I USE ANTLERS IN ALL OF MY DECORATING!!“

•"it’s just occurring to me that I’m illiterate, and never actually spelled it out loud beforeeeee"

•"I had an expensive education”

•"Romeo and Juliet is my favorite play" *DRAMATIC EYE ROLL AND SCOFFS*

•"Go back to the war. The guns, explosions. The widows!“

•The Beast just pelting a massive snowball at Belle’s face

•"You’re village sounds awful”

•The yellow dress

•"Can someone be happy when they aren’t truly free"

•"ILL FOOL MYSELF SHE’LL WALK RIGHT IN AN BE WITH ME FOR EVERMORE" *drowns in my own tears*

•"There’s a beast running wild there’s no question. But I fear the wrong monster’s released"

•"Mr. Potts" omg

•Mrs Potts totally supports LaFou and his conflicting thoughts on Gaston’s behavior

•Belle came back for the Beast!!!!

•Agatha was the Enchantress what?!

•The entire transformation!

•Belle looks into the Prince’s eyes and still sees him and just kNOWS

•Lumiere and Plumette reuniting

•"Turn back into a clock"

•LaFou and Stanley dance together at the end and my little gay shipper heart jumps for joy

•the growl™

Day Eighty-Seven

-An elderly man asked for extra bags along with his purchase of thirty-two mega-sized rolls of toilet paper. He has a plan. I intend to find out what it is.

-A baby clutched desperately at the party plates that were placed on top of him, refusing to give them up to his mother as she attempted to pay for them. He had been entrusted with protecting the plates and he was prepared to give it his all.

-After a surely financially-devastating holiday season, children are back to making their own purchases and making my day.

-A child told his mother that the storage bin she had just bought was his now. It took every ounce of my admittedly-lacking self-restraint to not give into my instincts and to reply, “You just got roasted, nerd.” This would have been a devastating burn, but not quite worth unemployment.

-While waiting for an unknown occurrence, a woman picked up the entire stack of store discount card pamphlets, folded them all in half, and set them back down as nonchalantly as someone without a single chalant to give.

-I witnessed a man in scrubs suffer from a severe attack of hiccups that alternated between a dog’s yip and an ambulance’s siren.

-I found that someone had hidden two zoo animal figurines among the candy after deciding against them at the last moment. I checked to see if they were the infamous genital-laden animals of lore. They were not. I understand why they were put back.

2

“You view my circumstances as unfortunate, though I cannot claim even a portion of the misfortune to those whom I mostly closely resemble. My greatest misfortune would be to marry into a family that would carry me as their shame, as I have been required to carry my own mother, her apparent crime to be born Negro, and mine to be the evidence” - Belle2013

9

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, Benjamin Alire Sáenz

“All this time. This was what was wrong with me. All this time I had been trying to figure out the secrets of the universe, the secrets of my own body, of my own heart. All of the answers had always been so close and yet I had always fought them without even knowing it. From the minute I’d met Dante, I had fallen in love with him. I just didn’t let myself know it, think it, feel it. My father was right. And it was true what my mother said. We all fight our own private wars.”

can i just say how much the revival has made me grateful for season 7. like, asp was going to have rory get pregnant at 22, which would have honestly been the most heartbreaking ending i could think of for rory- a major part of her characterization is that she didn’t want to end up like lorelai, yes she loves lorelai, yes she respects lorelai and appreciated all the sacrifices lorelai made for her, but she didn’t want the life lorelai had. lorelai is exactly where she’s supposed to be- in stars hollow, with the inn, with luke- but rory wanted more. rory wanted to be christiane amanpour, she wanted to travel, see the world, do things, which was a major part of her turning down logan’s proposal because she wanted a ‘wide open future’. how the hell would she have gotten that with a baby? that’s the  worst thing- like, you will become your parents whether you like it or not. and logan, too- he becomes mitchum, lives out his huntzberger preordained life, the life he desperately didn’t want, without even being told he has a child. at least in the revival rory is 32, she’s done stuff, she’s lived, but geez, that’s still a crappy ending for the girl who wanted to be christiane amanpour.

8

I just needed to prove I can do it myself, because I’m going to have to do things myself now! And I know you’re here, but still, there are some things I need to do on my own. Okay? As a single mother. Because that’s what I am. And I didn’t see it coming, Abuela. And I’m just trying to get my bearings, and I just want to be able to do something. I just wanted to know I can do something on my own.