wishing i had friends to be able to do this

“Cry Followup”, or “See A Doctor! The Musical”

I got sad. A doctor recommended that I go off my anxiety meds because they might be interfering with a bunch of other health issues. I did. It wasn’t good.

I tapered off for months and dealt with the withdrawal symptoms. When they were gone, I felt ok for a few weeks. Then I was easily irritated and sometimes angry. Then weird feelings started to creep in. I guess it was just dread. Maybe it was weird to just be feeling anything after being numbed on meds for so long. I started crying watching movies sometimes or thinking about whatever the fuck. I started getting really sad. Eventually I would cry everyday, sometimes for multiple sessions. It’s strange to think back on that now that I’m safely numbed to fuck again.

My grandfather had died about 8 months earlier and I thought I had emotionally exhausted that, but now it was back and I dwelt on it constantly. I thought of dying with an urgency that I couldn’t distract myself from. I thought of everyone I knew dying. It felt like time was an illusion and it wouldn’t be long until I’m standing beside their open coffins, reflecting on how quickly time had passed and now they’re gone and I’d wasted time not spending more time with them.

Most days I’d just wake up and lie there for hours. I’d try to look at things on my phone to try to distract myself. Snapchat was fun for that. Christ, so was Miitomo. I wouldn’t get any work done. It was difficult to focus and overcome the feeling in my gut of being pulled down and the constant present terror feelings of death and knowing this whole experience will be gone some day, but before that, I’ll watch everyone I know leave too. For a long time, I don’t think I really connected that it was my absence of meds that was doing this to me. I thought maybe it was just circumstances and some kind of Holmes-Rahe scale thing where a bunch of life events happening at once were stacking and compounding my depression feelings. There was no way to win against it and this kind of thing encourages you to not to the things that will typically pull you out of a depression. It makes you want to seclude yourself more and work on further diminishing your self-worth mentally. Instead of seeing friends or doing activities you enjoy, you convince yourself that you’re a burden to them, they don’t really want to see you anyway, and that something bad is going to happen if you go out and do anything. For so many fucking days I just laid there. That makes your depression even worse; your lack of productivity frustrates you and makes you hate yourself. All that wasted time boils your living asshole. It’s a paralysis and you don’t know why you can’t break out of it. You can’t just go into the other room and sit at your computer and do your work. Brains are incredible. Just a bit of absence from a certain chemical changes everything. Of course, you tell yourself things like this, that it’s not really you and that it’s just a biological ineptitude temporarily and that everything will be fine soon enough, but that doesn’t help at all.

That’s the other thing: you don’t feel like this will ever end. This is who you are now. A fucking shrivelled terrified cryhole. I did feel terror quite a few times during all this. It usually gets you when you wake up or try to go to sleep. Everything is still and You are going to fucking die someday, sooner than you think and You have wasted every moment of your life so far blast in your mind and your heart pounds, you can barely breathe, and you might even suddenly groan as panic waves hit your brain in an instant. There’s a terror in knowing there’s no relief from this; that all of these things are true and for some reason you believed the illusion your whole life and weren’t always in the perfect terror about it that you are now. Still, you beg for that trick to come back, to be able to put this mindset away and believe in the stupid shit we tell ourselves just to keep existing in some kind of calm. All these thoughts keep assaulting you with some kind of biological urgency, like you need to figure this problem out immediately or you die. This is what being on chemicals to help your brain for years and then suddenly going off them is like. Your body doesn’t know what the fuck. It’s weird to not give a shit about any of this and then suddenly imperatively have to give a shit about it and be unable to escape it. Even now when I’m in the clear, I still feel its background noise. Maybe I always will from now on. This whole thing has been a Paul on the road to Damascus type ordeal.

I fucking cried watching the new X-Files episodes, my dude. Probably during each one. That’s what it was fucking like. Imagine being in your late ass twenties and something in the X-Files makes you cry because you think of a squandered opportunity, or what you should or shouldn’t have done as a kid, or wishing you had put more effort into certain relationships with family or friends. It just finds anything to grab onto and get you with. You just have a dragging feeling constantly present and looking for things to attach to and convince you you’re sad about. Frankly, it’s fucking annoying. I cried one time because a nintendo phone app was enthusiastic about sharing my character’s picture with others. Just the fact that someone would have an interest in who I am and treat me like a normal person and want to share something about me with other terrible avatars made me cry as I was playing this thing and trying to take a shit. It made me think about my own self-worth and how long I thought there was no reason anyone should give a fuck. Cripe, one time I was almost screaming crying about my best friend who died when we were 11. It was like a fresh wound again and I was lying facedown on my bed wailing like an asshole. Depression can fuck with you.

So, this got pretty bad and I decided I had to see my GP about it. This can become a battle in itself, because past a certain point, you are convinced you aren’t worth the effort and that you’re a burden to have to deal with, and someone else could use that time to see the doctor instead. It gives you any reason to turn yourself down. I cried right away talking to my doctor. All this is really weird to reflect on; I was an entirely different person then. It was like a frantic sadness, an inability to just hold your shit together for even a few minutes. The impending terror was really pressing; a constant urgent anxiety that something bad is going to happen really soon, or that I’m about to get a call that someone I know just died. The doctor recommended seeing a therapist and going back on meds. Now I remember that the reason I finally did something was because my neighbour’s son killed himself. Fuck, that really bothered me. Hearing about any death at all was bad enough, but I think that week I was reading about Edgar Allan Poe’s death and then Vincent Van Gogh’s, and I just got really fixated on vividly imagining their final moments. I think there were others, too. See? Just a stupid thing to waste your time on but in the moment, you think this will help for some reason. Maybe the gravity of that kind of thing hooks you and you can’t help but look into it. So when my neighbour’s son also committed suicide, that was a pretty strong blow. I hadn’t even talked to the guy in over ten years, but I couldn’t help but fixate on having seen his father maybe 3 days prior as he joked in my mom’s backyard and borrowed a ladder. Now his life was ruined and the son he struggled to try to get mental help his whole life had killed himself. He was only 37 and he had a son. I think I spent a few days of weeping out my stupid ass over this, then made the decision to see my doctor.

I started seeing my therapist and cried within 6 minutes of entering his office. I wish I went to see a talk doctor when I was recommended it as a teenager. It’s good shit. Beyond that, I started seeing my friends again. Before this, I think 2 years had passed between us spending time together. I had talked myself into feeling like they were better off without me anyway and had their own real friends and lives that I didn’t have anything to do with. I started to exercise and even just take walks around the block. Sometimes, if I was just lying awake staring at the ceiling, I’d get up and go for a run. I started being able to work on videos again and looked forward to it. Thinking back on it now, I realize I kept streaming during the whole time. That would become the only thing I’d do or look forward to for most of this stretch. SO THANKS IF YOU LOOKED AT MY TERRIBLE STREAMS DURING THIS ERA I WAS QUITE WOUNDED AND I’M HOPEFUL THAT I WASN’T TREMENDOUSLY OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU HELPED KEEP ME STABLE WATCHING ME PLAY WITH CHILDREN’S TOYS. Beyond this, I’d just sleep until the afternoon and try to find a way to kill time until the streams started. This is why there were even less videos than usual. I was sad.

So, these things helped pull me out of the shit. A lot of it is self-examination and discovering why you feel this way in the first place. I’ve talked to my therapist about whether or not this whole thing was because of being on meds for so long and then going off them and feeling a withdrawal, or if that’s who I am underneath the medication.  He said that it is probably both, but more that that’s who I am. Fuck. He categorized this as a major depressive episode. It was weird to just hear the words. That is the kind of thing that happens to people in their mid-30s in office jobs who are getting shit on by everything in their lives. I guess it can also make you feel like a diva asshole; that you feel you’re so important that you had to have this major crisis about yourself. Writing this makes me realize how stupid it is to think like this, but that’s the kind of trap you get put into. Anyway, let me emphasize how important it is to see a therapist if you are depressed. Do it. It can change everything. Also talk to a doctor and see if meds are part of your solution. See a doctor. Do not just let it go. This is like if you had cancer and you just wanted to wait it out or hoped it would get better on its own. A lot of people let it go until it’s overwhelming and consumes them completely and just kill themselves to end the pain. Don’t!

I got better. I went on meds and in just a few weeks I made a drastic improvement. Plus the therapy, and plus feeling like I was doing anything with my life again. I hear a lot about hesitation to go on meds because you feel like they may change the foundation of who you ever are. This doesn’t happen. For me, it made me feel more free to be who I felt like I really was. That said, it may numb your emotions if you are a person who typically feels a lot of things. Just talk to a doctor about any concerns you have and don’t let these build up and become reasons you don’t get help for yourself. You are worth it. The doctor isn’t angry to have to deal with you. If it will cost what you can’t afford, don’t let that become an excuse not to do it. Save up or find a way to make it work. Again, it’s like if you couldn’t afford cancer treatments so you just let it kill you instead of finding out how you can make the situation work financially. What you’re dealing with is serious! Do something about it!

I almost forgot to mention that a lot of getting better was having something to look forward to. Knowing I’d see my friends and we’d have a good time was part of it. Another was spending all of my fucking money to go to as many conventions as I could. They were something I enjoyed in the past but didn’t bother with much anymore, so I decided to get back into them. It was the best choice. Thanks for coming to drink a lot of beers and talk shit if I saw you at a PAX or TwitchCon or Magfest! They were sincerely some of the best times of my life. Knowing that it wouldn’t be long until I’d be at another convention helped a lot with otherwise feeling complete dread. The power of giving yourself something great to look forward to is really strong! Do it! Find things you like and make time for them. Reward yourself! At one point, I got into a really unbalanced lifestyle and would spend maybe 60 or 70 hours a week editing videos and I burned myself out to shit. All I would think about was the job and let my health and relationships go to shit. You’re not supposed to do that. Give yourself good things and make it a habit. Anyway, PAX East soon, my man.

When I wrote my last crypost, a lot of people responded it it. I was in a daze for the rest of that day as I heard from a mountain of individuals. A lot of you deal with issues like this and a lot of you feel hopeless about it. It’s fucked up! This is your life! You’re entitled to a good one! Doing something about it will take a lot less than you may think, and will help you in a lot more ways and probably faster than you may think. A lot of you also said since that you’ve decided to finally get help. So yeah motherfucker I had a cool cry about your messages several times. What was also helpful was anonymous tumblr questions saying they got help so others could see your experiences and know I’m not just yelling out my dick about this. Thanks! You helped people!

Ok I think I have to cut this short now, it got late and I try not to stay awake until fucking 7 AM these days. I feel like I missed a few of the main points I wanted to make but by now I think you get the point that you can feel like you are going to face total annihilation within the next few moments and still get back to normal in very little time. I almost just wrote “Hopefully talking about my own cringe-ass experience helped you with…” and so forth to end this on a light-hearted self-shitting, but that again is part of the problem. Feeling as if your issues are embarrassing, not worthy, juvenile, or to be written off as not serious is no good. I know we joke about this kind of thing to help deal with it, but don’t feel that way for real. AGAIN, YOU’RE WORTH IT. YOU’RE GOOD! YOU’RE WORTH DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL NOT FUCKED UP! GO! 


Go!

things i am living for in the drunk history episode:

  • “hi. i’m stage’s lin-manuel miranda” because it is Good™ from that moment on
  • how eloquent lin is while still being shitfaced
  • “history spoiler” aka the phrase i will be using always from here on out
  • how he clearly could literally be the most boring person to tell any story on drunk history ever based on the fact that he is completely coherent when quoting the letter but he knows why you’re here and he knows how to be funny thank god
  • giggles
  • “HERE COMES HAMILTON ON A FLAMING SHIP. YOUR ASS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME”
  • i cannot believe lin-manuel miranda just quoted half baked in the context of a founding father truly he is the voice of a generation
  • randomly throwing in quotes from his musical like we won’t notice
  • black george washington #nice
  • long-suffering father washington aka the most accurate portrayal of washington
  • maria reynolds not being genderbent
  • seriously y’all i am here for lesbian alexander hamilton give me approximately 500 fanfics
  • “Reeeeeelly”
  • “Hamilton is Not a Great Dude” is going to be a paper i write one day mark my words
  • the sexy jazz music playing when he quotes the reynolds pamphlet as a history major with a specialty in us history i’m angry that i will never be able to think of the reynolds pamphlet without it but as a history lover i am alive
  • “the reynolds pamphlet is like dick 101″ stop stealing all of my future paper titles
  • i have been saying for years that the founding fathers were children and no one believed me so i’m happy to have this episode of drunk history to show them to prove my point next time
  • questlove calling in the middle and fangirling about drunk history
  • “you’remybestfriend”
  • “aslongasihaveajobyouhaveajob bye”
  • also just all of the chris jackson bit wow
  • “i want to order dominoes”
  • “they’re friends until they’re not” [black and white flashing images] [mental kill bill siren]
  • aubrey plaza’s eyebrows
  • also aubrey plaza in general obvi
  • and alia shawkat do i even need to say that
  • “i have slaves that do that for me” lin you absolute savage
  • the letter sequence #perf
  • how is lin able to play the piano at all while drunk i wish i had that kind of talent
  • singing “i know who i want to take me home” while staring lovingly into burr’s eyes
  • “this motherfucker right here”
  • dat wink
  • “burr was never a monster” just fuck me up
  • fries

this episode was 20 minutes long but i think it changed me

anonymous asked:

Can you explain what the lines meant in the most recent chapter: never doing anything concrete because he always wanted to see Hide? I feel like I'm not really grasping it.

Let’s start by saying that I think that makyun did a better translation of that bit. I haven’t seen the japanese text so of course this is just my (possibly wrong) opinion, but it just makes more sense than whatever MS went with (at least, from a grammar pov). 

So, what do we have here:

Touka: …Hey.
Touka: …You had that one friend didn’t you?

Kaneki: Are you talking about Hide…?

Touka: …What did you do when you felt like you wanted to meet him?
Kaneki: …

Kaneki: There was never a time where I felt that ‘I was barely able to do something’.
Kaneki: And whenever that happened…
Kaneki: I wanted to meet him so badly that I couldn’t help myself…

Touka: …

is Kaneki basically being his usual Kaneki self. Having a will of his own and doing absolutely nothing about it. 

We already know that he left Hide behind because he didn’t want to expose him to danger, same way as Touka, but even more so because he was human and too perceptive and smart for his own good. 

But we also know that Kaneki secretly wanted nothing more than having Hide walk at his side: 

So basically what happened was that he had two opposing desires battling against each other, and the result was that he was left unable to do anything at all. Not only that, but his feelings were also complicated by the belief he had at the time that Hide wouldn’t accept him, once he found out that he’d become an half ghoul, so here’s why: 

There was never a time where I felt that ‘I was barely able to do something’.

he never felt like he could do anything concrete about his wish to see Hide again.

Everything makes a lot of sense when you also realize that back then his mantra was: “Instead of hurting others, be the one who gets hurt.” >> Instead of hurting Hide, be the one who suffers alone and keep away from him. 

I hope this makes sense! If anyone wants to add up, feel free to!

Walking (or not) at Graduation

As graduation season approaches, I can’t help but reflect on my own high school graduation almost ten years ago now. At the time, I was learning to walk again after several operations and I was told that I shouldn’t accept my diploma from my wheelchair. I should walk across the stage like everyone else.

We’ve all seen those “inspirational” videos that float around the internet of disabled people rising out of their wheelchairs to a screaming audience as they walk across the stage and accept their diplomas.
I’m not bashing anyone who has ever done this or wants to but, these videos make people think, as a disabled person, your goal should be to walk at graduation because someone else did.
If you are a disabled student who is getting ready to graduate I’m here to tell you right now,
you don’t have to walk at graduation if you don’t want to.

It was never my choice to walk at graduation. It was expected of me.
Not once, during my final months in school, did I express a desire to walk on stage.  
Not once, during rehab and PT, did I say, “this is what I want to do.”
They decided they wanted it for me.
So, I was told that’s what I was going to do.

The problem was, their plan to have me walk during my ceremony was not planned or executed well and ended up being a stressful situation for me.
Looking back on it now, I have no positive memories of the experience.
I do not look back and think, “It was worth it.” Or, “I’m glad I did it.”
No. I look back and think, “I would have been fine if I didn’t do it.”
Because I never wanted or needed the experience in the first place.

A week or so before graduation it was decided that I was going to walk with a walker at the ceremony. Except, there was little to no planning involved and I, physically, was not prepared.
In fact, I don’t remember much thought being put into it at all.

The problem was, the event planners had already arranged for one less seat in my space, obviously because they were told a wheelchair would be used at the ceremony.
We were told they would be notified to add another seat but no one made sure it was done. So here I am on graduation day, being made to do this long walk that I couldn’t really handle, only to find out I had nowhere to sit for the entire ceremony!
Luckily, a fellow disabled student and his para were in front of me and the para gave their chair to me and had to crouch down for the ceremony instead.

Then, when it came time for me to do the walk across the stage, I was so preoccupied with getting to the end, I forgot to stop and pause for the traditional graduate photos that had been paid for by my parents (frustrating!) Then, to top it off, when I reached the podium I couldn’t accept my diploma because I couldn’t hold the diploma and walk with the walker!
Again, no one had planned or been notified of the situation and they didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully, I am a twin and I was the first to graduate so I quickly whispered for them to give my diploma to my brother, who was next to graduate.
(We asked and arranged for them to call us up together and were told they would but, once again, things did not go that way.)
After leaving the stage we had to walk a circle around the auditorium to get back to our seats, which was way more walking than anyone anticipated for me and I was not able to do it easily. By the time I made it to my seat again, I could barely breathe, my chest was on fire, I was sweating under my cap and gown, and my body was ready to give out.
Once the ceremony was over, I faced yet another obstacle.  As the graduates were filed out of the auditorium we were told we had to go to the cafeteria to pick up our records, which was on the other end of the school.
Again, I was not physically able to make that walk, but I had been separated from my brother and couldn’t ask him to get my records.  
I didn’t know what else to do, so I slowly and painfully made the walk to get them myself only to be told my brother had picked them up ahead of me.
It took all my strength to not burst into tears.
Everything about that graduation had gone horribly wrong. No one had been properly prepared or informed and I wish it had gone differently.

As I sit here writing, a good friend of mine is planning to walk across the stage at her graduation this month, and I couldn’t be more happy or excited for her.
This may sound strange after my experience but, my reasons why are simple:
This is her decision and she is doing it for herself and no one else.
She is mildly affected by CP and since I have known her, she has always tried to show people that she can do whatever she wants. She has a strength and determination about her that I admire so much. One of her goals is to run a marathon and she has been training hard to reach that goal.
She has always used crutches to help herself around school so not many of her peers realize that she can walk independently at home, or that she is training to run a marathon in the future.
So, it makes sense for her to want to walk during her graduation ceremony and she has made sure it is well planned and set up.
She can do this and I support her choice.

If you do decide you want to walk at graduation, please do it for yourself because YOU want to. Not because you feel you should.
And if you find yourself in a situation like mine, make sure to carefully plan it out. Talk to your teachers. Talk to your principle. Tell everyone you can! Make sure they are fully aware that you are planning to walk. Make sure they plan accordingly. Check and recheck to make sure things are taken care of and plan for anything that may go wrong and have a backup plan.

Finally, remember this day is about you and about celebrating your achievements. Walking across the stage is only one small part of that and it doesn’t matter in the least if you are walking, rolling, crawling, or skipping across it.

You will get there and that is the only thing that should matter.

(y/n)’s Song (Alexander Hamilton x Reader)

Summary: A song fic based on Taylor Swift’s “Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)” watch you relationship grow starting from the time you first met.

Time Period: Modern

Warnings: None really. There is one part that has arguing in it, but it’s not terrible.

Words: 3,400

A/N: Hello! So it’s been so long since I’ve posted, but I’m glad to be posting this story for the first day of my 1k celebration. Anyway, as mentioned, this is inspired by a Taylor Swift Song, so I don’t own any of the lyrics. I hope you enjoy this and have a fabulous day!

Bolded/Italics: Song Lyrics

Italics: Memories

She said, I was seven and you were nine. I looked at you like the stars that shined in the sky, the pretty lights.

You stood behind your parents, trying to make yourself invisible, as your parents spoke to their good friend Rachel Hamilton. A young boy, two years older than you, stood beside and he looked quite bored.

“Mom, can’t I go back inside?” he complained.

“Oh, Alex, why don’t you take (y/n) to the backyard. The two of you can play while the adults talk.” she suggested, giving Alex a push towards you as your parents pushed you to Alex.

Alex grabbed your hand and dragged you to the backyard where a life-long friendship formed. He looked at you and sized you up and hoped you didn’t mind running around and getting dirty. You didn’t.

“I just want you to know that if you try to make me do anything girly, I’ll beat you up.” Alex threatened, as he tried act menacing.

“No you won’t.” you stated, looking into his eyes.

He started at you in shock. “Oh yeah? What makes you think that?”

“You don’t seem mean or icky like the boys at school.” you admitted, smiling slightly.

And our daddies used to joke about the two of us growing up and falling in love, and our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes and said oh my my my.

While you and Alex ran around, playing hide and seek, your parents watched fondly from afar. It was silent until your father spoke up.

“You know, I think I see the beginning of a relationship. I’ll bet you that those two grow up and get married.” you father promised, a fingered pointed at your mother and Alexander’s.

The two women just rolled their eyes and laughed, but they thought about the possibility. It would be a could match. Right?

Take me back when our world was one block wide. I dared you kissed me and ran when you tried.

As that week progressed, you and Alex spent every free minute together. It wasn’t uncommon if you ended up staying for dinner at his house or vice-versa.

One day, the two of you sat inside and were talking about school. Since Alex was in fourth grade, and you were only in second grade, you loved to here the stories of what went on in his classroom. Today, he was telling you had this girl Jasmine kissed a boy named Anthony.

“And then-”

“Alex.” you interrupted and looked straight into his eyes. “Kiss me.” you dared and wondered if he would actually do so.

He sat down for a moment and you thought he wasn’t going to accept the dare. However, you were caught off guard when Alex stepped closer to you, lips puckered. You squealed and ran away from him.

“No, Alex, don’t. Please.” you laughed, while running outside, trying to escape the boy trying to kiss you.

Oh if you could have only stayed in that time when your entire world was a block wide.

Well, I was sixteen when suddenly I wasn’t that little girl you used to see.

Keep reading

Wanna Be

length: 1,768 words

genre: fluff

summary: you and wonho have been “a thing” for awhile, but you desperately just want to make it official

a/n: y/f/n stands for your friends name; I honestly love writing for wonho cause I think secretly I’m in love with him (sorry jooheon), but I feel like everyone secretly or publicly loves him haha

Originally posted by vitunkpoppi

Keep reading

SF9 Reaction to: Their Crush Accidentally Sending Them Nudes While Dating Another Member

a.n: I seen another blog do something similar to this, but for exo, so credit to them!! :D


Inseong: So amazed by your picture that it takes a while for him to even realize that it wasn’t meant for him. He looks away sadly, no longer able to admire your form, now that he realizes he can never have you. He blinks back tears, hoping that his friend appreciates how lucky he is to have you.

Originally posted by yngbin

Youngbin: So jealous that he feels sick. He wishes he had received that picture on purpose, that you were his and he didn’t have to ignore his feelings. But as leader, he would always put his members first. Jaeyoon deserved happiness and he couldn’t live with himself if he tried to take that away.

‘You’ll get over it someday,’ he tells himself.

Originally posted by ohjuho

Jaeyoon: Tells Inseong right away, seeking advice. They both giggled over the picture, like little boys. Although Inseong can offer no advice, he does admit that Youngbin is a lucky man. This is of no help to Jaeyoon and the two end up just bickering like an old married couple.

Originally posted by sunshineyootaeyang

Dawon: Looks up from the picture, heart beating wildly. Although he knew he could never have you and genuinely wished you and Zuho the best, this picture was the next best thing. It allowed him to imagine what dating you would be like and helped ease the pain of his unrequited crush.

Originally posted by sf9fantasy

Zuho: Awkward as hell. Won’t be able to look you in the eye and starts to avoid you and Dawon when you’re together. He can’t bare to see the happy couple, and imagine what Dawon gets to touch while he can’t.

Originally posted by mayfifolle

Rowoon: Swallows his jealousy, not wanting to let it come between his friendships with you and Taeyang. But he will tell you that he received the picture, and politely ask you to be more careful next time. He doesn’t think his heart can handle anymore pain like this, of knowing what could have been but never will be.

Originally posted by dangchanhee

Taeyang: It takes a moment for his mind to process what he’s seeing. Then he immediately turns red. He’s too shy to tell you or Rowoon that he accidentally received the picture, no doubt meant for your boyfriend. Instead he keeps it a secret, deleting the picture out of respect to you. It wasn’t meant for his eyes, so although the image is ingrained in his mind, he didn’t feel right keeping it.

Originally posted by taeyamg


a/n: Hwiyoung & Chani are too young to be included in this!! But I hope you enjoyed!! I know SF9 aren’t super famous so if you don’t know them, I recommend you look them up! You won’t be disappointed ;)

When It All Falls Apart

The sequel to ‘Circle’ is finally here.  

If you want to read Circle you can find that here.

Pairing: TJ Perkins x Reader (friendship)

Originally posted by 205source

“Everything is effed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cause I can’t turn to you when it all falls apart…”
  
- ‘When It All Falls Apart’ by the Veronicas


Walking into your home, you slammed the door right behind you. It feels like you’ve been doing that a lot and it always has something to do with TJ. But the thing is that you were so angry with yourself right now. You did something completely stupid and it couldn’t be taken back.

You wiped the tears that fell from your eyes before tossing your keys on the nearby table. God you were so damn stupid. Why couldn’t you control yourself? You most likely ruined everything…hell, your heart was just gone because not only had it previously been shattered, now the pieces were thrown into molten lava tonight.

How in the hell did you get here?  You knew how but still…how?

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Tag meme

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag blogs you would like to know better.

I was tagged by @idariddle​ Thank you :D

Age: 20
Birth place: egypt 
Current time: 5:55 pm
Drink you last had: green Apple coda(?)
Easiest person to talk to: my friends on Tumblr.
Favourite song: the currant one i like to listen is “le festin”
Grossest memory: i had to weekly clean the shits of chickens we were taking care off that was covering a whole flat(maybe 30x40 meters wide) for two years
In love: with fictional characters……..and someone 
Jealous of people: never
Killed someone: maybe?…there was that one person i had them to go on a serious surgery……but no….
Love at first sight or should I walk by again: i believe in love from the first sight >u>
Middle name: youmna…duh XD (it’s an egyptian/arabic name that means “bless”)
Number of siblings: two and a small devil 
One wish: to be able to do what i want in life freely
Person you called last: i don’t remember XD
Question you’re always asked: where is the part 2 of swap vs killer?/what’s the program you use to animate? -_-
Reason to smile: my friends <3
Song you last sang: “le festin” :’D
Time you woke up: 7:00am
Underwear colour: …..no ._.
Vacation: "sharm el shiehk” an Egyptian tourism attraction for summer vacations
Worst habit: not caring
X-rays: the past month for a heart problem
Your favourite food: PIZZA <333
Zodiac sign: Pisces

Tagging @wolf-wrathknight @rahafwabas@hammie-heart@jakei95

anonymous asked:

Which one is gayer? For Forever or Sincerely Me?

sincerely me because for forever isnt actually gay at all
in fact its a rather sad song where evan is saying what he wishes he could be able to do if he actually had friends while also lying to a grieving family about their dead son (and they believe him)
and also jared makes a lot of gay jokes in sincerely me, thus making it gayer by default

2

Basement Tapes: Eric in the car alone.

“The camera is stopped and re-started again. During the next portion of the film Eric Harris is alone inside of a moving car. Harris is the driver. The camera seems to be recording him from the dashboard. It is dark outside, during this portion of the tape and it appears there are raindrops on the window of the car. At one point you see a street sign that says, “Federal.” There is music playing in the car which is fairly loud. As a result it is difficult to understand what Harris is saying at times.  At one point he references “The Black Jack Crew” and specifically mentions “Jason” and “Chris.” Harris says, “You guys are very cool.” He also says, “Sorry dudes, I had to do, what I had to do.” Harris also mentions, “Angel,” “Phil,” and “Bob.” Harris says that ‘Bob is one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met in my life, except for being an alcoholic.” Harris also says he’s, going to miss Bob. At one point Harris states, “It is a weird feeling knowing you’re going to be dead in 2 ½ weeks.” Harris also mentions not being able to decide “if we should do it before or after prom.” At the end of this portion of this video tape Harris mentions, wishing he could have re-visited Michigan and “old friends.” At this point he becomes silent and appears to start crying and appears to wipe a tear from the left side of his face. At this point he reaches over towards the camera and it is shut off.”

  • flash writers: barry talks to killer frost and turns her back into caitlin because she won't kill him
  • me: nnnnono nooooo.... that should have been cisco... but i mean, since she was already mad at Barry anyway and he was taking the blame and since he's her friend i'll allow it.
  • flash writers: caitlin is losing grip again and harry potter boy talks her off the edge even tho cisco should have been able to do that.
  • me: nooooooooooooooope. hahaha. wow seriously? I get they had a moment or two? But cisco is literally her best friend?
  • flash writers: okay so cailin is nearly dead. cisco is sobbing over her dying body. even though she is very clear about her wishes, harry potter boy ignores them (but saves her life so yay!). killer frost is unleashed like never before.
  • me: third???? time's???? a??? charm????????? *cries*
i’ll make this feel like home

read on ao3

pairing: archie/jughead

summary:  There’s something about sharing a bed that makes you feel safe. However, sharing a bed with the right person can make you feel at home.

note: This is post 1x07 and canon compliant except for the fact that bughead doesn’t exist.


“Hey Juggie,” Archie whispered in the middle of the night. He was lying in bed while his best friend was sleeping on a makeshift mat down on the floor.

He was excited at first to have Jughead living with him. It kind of felt like a sleepover every night. But now, a week had passed and Archie found himself content with the new familiarity of having the other boy share his room. He couldn’t remember how he ever got any sleep before because now, he was almost certain that he could never fall asleep without the soft lullaby of Jughead’s breathing.

“Juggie,” Archie repeated. “You still awake?”

“No,” Jughead groaned and Archie smiled and sat up.

“Buddy, I was thinking-”

Jughead interrupted him. “Well, I was sleeping.”

Archie rolled his eyes in the darkness. “No, listen. I wanted to apologize.”

Archie waited a moment to see if Jughead was going to say something, anything. He couldn’t see his friend in the darkness of the room and Archie thought that it would make this whole thing easier.  

“I’m listening,” Jughead told him. 

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Things I Wish I Knew My Freshman Year of Uni

Academic Tips

“You are responsible for your own learning.”

1. Always do your work when you get it and don’t wait until the last minute. Waiting until the last minute to get work done will sometimes allow you to still get things done by their due date but it leaves little room for studying and reviewing between then and in the end will hurt you on exams. 

2. Work alone. The best way to learn new material is to do it on your own and struggle through and figure it out ON YOUR OWN. I wish someone had told me this because I really struggled to catch up in classes this past semester because I would do my homework with friends instead of learning how to do things on my own and it hurt me a lot on exams. 

3. Find friends you can study with.You want to be able to be productive if you choose to do a study session. Studying with friends might be okay if you work well together but chances are you’ll get distracted. Find people you work well with to study because you tend to learn more that way. For me, that was people I met in class and at office hours.

4. Please oh, please use office hours This is such a big one that freshman don’t use until the last minute. These are your best bet for getting questions answered if you didn’t understand something in lecture, on your homework, etc. Plus, getting to know your prof is very important because they tend to be more helpful if they see you are working hard in their class and they give good letters of recommendation if you make a good impression on them. If you can’t make their office hours, email them or set up an appointment. It’s very important to have good communication. 

5. Sit in the front and ask questions Be the nerd of the lecture by sitting in the front and don’t be afraid to ask a question. However, if its a question that requires a lengthy answer, save it for office hours so you don’t the lecture behind schedule. 

6. BUY AND READ THE DARN TEXTBOOK So many people tell you not to buy the textbook if you don’t truly need it for assignments but that is so wrong. You will always need the textbook if it is in the syllabus. Period. Read the chapters BEFORE lecture and review it afterward if material still doesn’t make sense. You will learn so much more and remember so much more in a faster time period than if you don’t read it at all. The book is also extremely important for covering details that won’t be covered in lecture.

Social Life 

1. Meet new and DIFFERENT people instead of people like yourself. These people will show you so many cool new things that you’ll never experience otherwise. Meeting new and different people can be challenging and uncomfortable at first if you’re shy like me but it will make your college experience much more worth it. 

 2. Join clubs but not too many. Take part in activities and clubs that you enjoy but be careful not to overload yourself. Freshman year you should start off by just trying a few clubs here and there just to see what you like before committing to a lot of anything.

3. Don’t be afraid to say no to alcohol, drugs, and even hanging out. College students say “You do you” and they really mean it. You don’t have to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do and no one will judge you for that. If you find “friends” who do judge you, make some new friends. Also, remember that school comes first so if you have a large project to do and your friends want to go out, its ok to say no. Your friends should understand that in college, you really need to get stuff done and that schedule can be different than theirs.

 4. Be okay with being alone but completely surrounded by people. You are almost guaranteed to different schedules than your friends so you’ll learn that you’ll often be eating or doing school work alone. This is perfectly normal! Learn to like it because it’s nice to do things on your own. You may feel lonely sometimes but you’re also always surrounded by people. It’s hard to find actual privacy in college especially when you live in the dorms and share a room with a roommate. It will be strange at first but you’ll find the right balance of being along and being with people over time. 

Roommates and Dorms 

1. “A clean room is a clean mind.” Keeping a clean room will help you to study because you’ll be able to easily find everything you need instead of digging through piles of clothes and other belongings. Dorm rooms are also very small so putting things in their rightful storage places is essential for keeping a tidy room.

2. Study outside of your room as much as you can. If you’re like me, you can distract yourself easily especially when you don’t want to do something (like study). By getting the majority of your work done in the library or somewhere else on campus other than your room, you have less options to distract yourself whereas in your room, you have all your stuff to pick up and lose hours of study time with. 

3. Be straightforward with your roommate. If your roommate is doing something that bothers you, tell them clearly right away (politely). Otherwise, they’ll never know and continue to do what is bothering you. In order to avoid arguments, tell them right away very nicely and they should stop. It might be their room too, but you need to make sure that you’re happy as well. 



I hope this was helpful. This is only SOME of the tips I could think of for right now but I have tons more tips and advice that I love to share. If you have any questions about these tips or want to know more, feel free to ask. 

“Some Sort of Neighborly” (11/11) | Once Upon a Time

Title: Some Sort of Neighborly - (11/11)
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Rating: M
Genre: Romance/Humor
Words: 4,374/45,653
Completed: 02/27/2017
Summary: Modern!AU Captain Swan. They’re not neighbors, not exactly, and they’re not friends either. It’s pretty hard to find reasons to bump into the woman who lives next door to your best friend, especially after your only interaction with her has been waking up on her couch one Saturday morning. Sequel to Rude Awakening.

And now, two-and-a-half years after the first chapter was posted: Some Sort of Neighborly is finally finished! I’m still in a little disbelief, to be honest. Writing this story has been such a valuable lesson on persistence, and although I do wish this had happened a long time ago (since it definitely reads like I’d written it back then, too, thanks to my original outline O O P), I’m still very proud of being able to push through to the end :)

Whether you’ve been here from the start (in which case, I’M STILL VERY SORRY), or you’re picking up this fic for the first time just now, or you’re anywhere in between: thank you so much for reading! Extra love to @katie-dub, @kmomof4, and @shady-swan-jones – all of your lovely messages about this story never fail to make me smile <33

Hope you enjoy!

On AO3 here | On FF.net here | On Tumblr under “Read More”


Some Sort of Neighborly

Chapter 11

He wakes to the scent of clean linen and crisp air on his nose, which he buries into his pillow with a groan.

For a long moment, it’s all he can do to simply lie there, feeling the sheets tangled around his legs and the warm autumn sun, flickering gently through the curtains, on the bare skin of his back. Lazy mornings are both a welcome indulgence and a dangerous habit for someone with his sleep schedule, but the languid contentment that’s burrowed its way into his bones refuses to let up – or, for that matter, let him think about much else – even as he stretches and feels every muscle in his body hum with a pleasant ache.

Especially for his muddled mind, then, it’s difficult to pinpoint if he’s only awoken because he missed his alarm and slept halfway through the day – until a muffled, distressed voice smashes his peaceful bliss into bits.

“It’s just, sometimes – he can be such an asshole, you know?”

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futuristiccrystal  asked:

Golzy, I'm not even kidding when I say this: U ARE THE MOST AWESOME PERSON IVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF...."knowing" BUT STILL! I FEEL LUCKY TO ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO CALL U A FRIEND! ;3; I know for sure u will do amazing things in the near future, well...you already have! ;3 I wish you an amazing life and a fantastic journey through art!

AWWWWW FUTURE

THANK YOU SO MUCH QUQ IM STILL DRUNK WITH CAFFEINE RN

Stardust

Knight!Bucky Barnes X Castle Maid!Reader

A/N: Surprise! I present to you my first time writing in an AU. Just a little something extra along with what I have coming soon.

Words: approx. 2.1K

Prompt: Knights and castles and dancing and kisses. Arthurian AU.

Warnings: implied familial death, insecurities, kissing (is that even a warning idk)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes, milady. Of course.” You smiled widely as Queen Guinevere told you of the ball that she wished to hold at the palace today, in commemoration of her beloved King Arthur’s return.

She had called for your help on choosing a dress that was sure to catch the King’s eye.

After hours spent showing her beautiful gowns that you could only hope in vain to ever have the honor of wearing, she decided on a soft lavender gown. You could only gape at the way that it fitted her, bringing out every ounce of femininity in her very being.

“It’s lovely, my lady.” You said, unable to hide your astonishment. Guinevere smiled, holding the gown to her frame. Shamefully embarrassed by your momentary indulgence, you turned your gaze downwards. Just as a mere servant would be expected to behave.

The queen noticed your sudden change.

“Surely, you will be there?” She questioned.

“With all due respect, my queen, I’m afraid I cannot bow to your wishes.” You said, the words leaving your mouth with the ease of silk gliding over soft skin. These exact words had left your mouth many times. Always the same exact words, always the answer to this question.

You plastered on a smile. You didn’t understand why she asked you every time a great celebration took place when the  A part of you ached to go. However, no peasant such as yourself should associate themselves with the upper class.

Guinevere smiled sadly.

“I truly wish you will someday be able to grace us with your presence.” She smiled, her voice teasing at your reluctance.

“As do I.” You offered her a small smile. Ever since you had come to work at the castle, the queen had become a friend rather than your superior. But for a royal such as her to be so close with someone of a such a low standing as you, it was considered…blasphemous. You could be killed for it.

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always say what’s on your mind

pairing: yugyeom x reader
genre/warning: no warning. maknae fluff.
word count: 831
description: based on ed sheeran’s ‘bibia be ye ye’ from his new album divide.
a/n: this one kind of ran away with itself. a bit longer than intended. 


The captain comes over the intercom to let everyone know that you will be landing in Malaysia in twenty minutes. You glance out the window and squeal. It’s beautiful. You can’t wait to spend all day on the beach.

After getting your luggage you head to exit but stop when you hear someone shout your name, you look around to see Kim Yugyeom waving a sign with your name on it. A chuckle slips out, and you race to the giant who is acting like an idiot. You throw your arms around him, and he picks you up. You squeal and smack him until he puts you down. “Yugie, I don’t know how I can thank you for this.”

“It’s the least I can do. I owe you for missing your last three birthdays.” You nod in agreement but laugh so he doesn’t take it too seriously. Yugyeom is one of your best friends, but because of his crazy idol schedule, he hasn’t been able to spend your birthday with you. This birthday looked like it would be the same because the boys had a concert in Malaysia on your birthday. You weren’t upset. You knew he couldn’t control his schedule, and you’d been ready to wish him well when he pulled out an airplane ticket. You’d freaked out and hit him a couple times, but now you were here.

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                      ( ~ ♫ Everything concealed under the cut~!  ♫ ~ )

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softkirks-deactivated20160924  asked:

I'm kind of skeptical for asking this because there has been so much information that had come out about Laurens to be false, but do you have any actual evidence that he might have been queer! Also, love your blog. Followed immediately!

*pulls out several binders of information regarding Laurens’s non-heterosexuality and drops them with a loud thud in front of you*

I have plenty of evidence as to why Laurens was likely gay.  Here we go -

On October 13, 1767, Henry Laurens wrote the following to James Grant:

Master Jack is too closely wedded to his studies to think about any of the Miss Nanny’s I would not have such a sound in his Ear, for a Crown; why drive the poor Dog, to what Nature will irresistably prompt him to be plagued with in all probability much too soon.

John was born on October 28, 1754, so he was just a couple of weeks shy of being 13 years old when this was written.  Thirteen is a typical age for people to be going through puberty and figuring out who they are (and aren’t) attracted to, so the fact that John has shown zero interest in girls at this point (and for his whole life, really) suggests that he likely wasn’t attracted to them.  I understand that sexuality is fluid and that this isn’t 100% definitive, irrefutable proof that Laurens was gay, but I do think it is an important piece of information from John’s early teenage years.

John also didn’t form many close relationships with women.  He was close with his sisters and other female family members, but outside of that, he didn’t really seem to interact with women.  Even Massey acknowledges this in his biography of Laurens:

In Geneva John worked hard, but he did not let his studies prevent him from forming close ties with fellow students and teachers.  It marked the beginning of a pattern: he continually centered his life around homosocial attachments to other men.  A handsome young man, properly genteel in his comportment, intellectually stimulating in his conversation, John never had difficulty attracting women and men.  Women played important roles in his life, but he reserved his primary emotional commitments for other men.

Of course Massey, being the homophobe that he is, classifies these relationships as “homosocial,” but the point still stands that John enjoyed spending most of his time with men.

Now we get to John’s relationship with Martha Manning.  A lot of historians like Massey like to use his marriage to Martha as absolute proof that Laurens was straight.  There are a lot of issues with that.

1. We have no idea what went down in the bedroom on the night(s) John and Martha had sex.  It is quite possible (and, in my opinion, the most likely explanation) that Martha led their bedroom activities and that John followed in the hopes that he could convince himself that he could love/have sex with a woman.  Heterosexuality was the only acceptable sexuality then, so John likely would have felt compelled to hide his queerness and put on an appearance of heterosexuality in order to be accepted.

2. Laurens wrote to his uncle that he married Martha out of pity for her situation:

I should inform you of an important change in my circumstances_ Pity has obliged me to marry_ but a consideration of the duty which I owe to my country made me choose a clandestine celebration, lest the father should insist upon my stay in this country as a condition of the marriage_ the matter has proceeded too far to be longer concealed, and I have this morning disclosed the affair to Mr. Manning in plain terms_ reserving to myself the right of fulfilling the more important engagements to my country.  It may be convenient on some accounts that the matter should be kept secret till you hear next from me, & you will oblige me by keeping it so.

Laurens clearly married Martha to preserve the honor of her and their child.  Laurens had quite an obsession with honor, and he could not allow himself to dishonor these people.  But Laurens left before his daughter was born, making it clear that he cared more about his country than his new family.  Laurens would never see his wife or child again.  Martha would die near the end of 1781, and Laurens would die in August 1782.  He did make some attempts to bring them over the America, but since their countries were in the middle of a war, this was difficult.  He seems to have only written a few letters to her during the war, and we only have one that survived.  It also seems that Martha wrote him more often than he wrote to her. And even though John was in France in 1781 (before Martha died) to gain more aid from France, it does not appear that he made any attempt to meet with his wife or daughter during this visit.

Now we get to everyone’s favorite 18th century bisexual - Alexander Hamilton.  Laurens’s relationship with Hamilton pretty much screams, “not straight.”

First of all, Laurens never told Hamilton about his wife and child.  Not even when Laurens got into a duel with Charles Lee and asked Hamilton to be his second.  Laurens literally could have died, and Hamilton probably would have been the one to handle the stuff surrounding that, and at this time, Hamilton was completely unaware that Laurens was married and had a kid.  Very not-gay of you, Laurens.  Hamilton only happened to learned about Mrs. Laurens and child when he was asked to forward some letters from Martha to John - and this happened one and a half years after Hamilton and Laurens met.  It’s not like John would have any reason to keep his wife and kid secret from Hamilton, right?  Just guys being dudes.  No homo.

When Laurens left Washington’s camp to head south, he wrote the following to Hamilton:

Ternant will relate to you how many violent struggles I have had between duty and inclination_ how much my heart was with you, while i appeared to be most actively employed here_

Hamilton was also begging Washington for leave to head south and get a field command during this time, so it would appear that Hamilton and Laurens could not bear to be separated.

We also have this lovely gem from Hamilton to Laurens, written when Laurens was a POW and Hamilton was soon to be married:

In spite of Schuylers black eyes, I have still a part for the public and another for you; so your impatience to have me married is misplaced; a strange cure by the way, as if after matrimony I was to be less devoted than I am now. Let me tell you, that I intend to restore the empire of Hymen and that Cupid is to be his prime Minister. I wish you were at liberty to transgress the bounds of Pensylvania. I would invite you after the fall to Albany to be witness to the final consummation. My Mistress is a good girl, and already loves you because I have told her you are a clever fellow and my friend; but mind, she loves you a l’americaine not a la françoise.

Clearly, Laurens had believed that marriage might be able to “cure” Hamilton of something going on between them.  And Hamilton just invited Laurens to a threesome on his wedding night.  Just another example of bros doing bro things.

One of my favorite examples of Laurens’s queerness is his use of the phrases “dear girl” and “dear boy.”  In the one surviving letter we have from Laurens to his wife, he used this phrase:

Reflect for a moment into how much misery we might both be plunged by your captivity, and say dear Girl whether it will not be better to endure the pain of absence patiently, ‘till some eligible opportunity offer.

From Laurens to Hamilton, we have this phrase (there may be more uses of “dear boy” in Laurens’s letters to Hamilton, but this is the only one I can think of at the moment):

Adieu, my dear boy. I shall set out for camp tomorrow.

Bolding in both is mine.  To my knowledge, Laurens only ever used “dear girl” to address his wife, and he only ever used “dear boy” to address Hamilton.  He saved these terms of endearment for these two people.  So for Hamilton, Laurens used the male equivalent of a term of endearment he used to attempt to express his care and affection for his wife.

Finally, we get to Laurens’s last letter to Hamilton.  Laurens closed this letter with the following:

Adieu, my dear friend; while circumstances place so great a distance between us, I entreat you not to withdraw the consolation of your letters. You know the unalterable sentiments of your affectionate Laurens.

Most of John’s closings, to Hamilton or anyone else, were often something simple such as, “Adieu” or “Yours ever.”  This is by far the most emotionally expressive of Laurens’s closings.  Also note his use of “dear friend,” which brings us back to the discussion of “dear boy.”

This covers just about everything in regards to Laurens’s queerness.  I have a lengthy post here that discusses the Hamilton-Laurens relationship further.  I hope this convinces you that Massey is not to be trusted in his interpretations of Laurens’s sexuality.