wishing i had friends to be able to do this

37 Mistakes I Made As A New Tarot Reader

I’d be lying if I said that I woke up one day and just knew all that there was to know about Tarot. During my journey as a new Tarot reader, I made a lot of “mistakes” and some fails. I’m putting mistakes in quotation marks because if it weren’t for these things I probably wouldn’t be the Tarot reader that I am today. I like to think that each one of these “mistakes” helped me gain a better insight into the type of reader I am. Along the way, I learned that my journey is mine and mine alone and no matter how authoritative the source of advice provided by someone else, I must ultimately do what feels right to me. I am not a perfect Tarot reader or learner by any means, and I believe this post shows a clear example of that.

Following The Rules

In the beginning, I read so many books and talked to many different readers who each had their own idea of the “right way” to read Tarot. I also had a huge fear that I was somehow using my deck the wrong way. I wish I would have known that there is no right or wrong way to read Tarot. What may work for one person may not work for the other and vice versa. I think that the amazing thing about divination is that each reader brings a little special part of themselves and their unique flavor to Tarot and that is incredible. I wish I would have been a more informed learner and allowed myself to form my own opinions instead of trying to follow someone else’s. No two readers are ever alike and they do not need to be either.

Meaning And Memorization Overload

I tried to learn and memorize all the Tarot card meanings overnight. While this may help some readers learn, I was not one of them. I quickly became frustrated and discouraged and it made learning Tarot into a chore. I set unrealistic goals for myself and I had such a difficult few months. I wish I would have taken my time to enjoy the experience of bonding with my cards and allowing the process of learning Tarot to develop and grow with me organically instead of trying to force it.

Lack Of Learning Plan

As I mentioned above, trying to memorize all the cards didn’t work for me. I was all over the place with my Tarot learning. I had several books all with competing ideas. Now when I go forward to learn a new aspect of Tarot I have a learning plan. It is something I wish I had done when I first started my Tarot journey as it would have kept me organized and left me with the ability to track my progress.

The Self Doubt Monster

I started off my Tarot journey excited and open to the possibility of growing as a person and learning about my life. As I mentioned above, I started feeling like I wasn’t good enough or that I would never truly grasp learning the cards. I had a lot of self-doubts and it led me to be depressed because Tarot was my first outlet of expression for me and I felt like I was bad at it. I wish I would have known that learning anything, especially Tarot takes time. I now know that my learning with Tarot will be a life long experience and I am okay with taking it one step at a time.

Do The Shuffle

One of my Tarot mentors told me that I had to shuffle my deck overhand four times, riffle shuffle three and cut the deck with my left hand three times so that my deck could be fully charged before a reading. It never really resonated with me but I still did it because I was told that was the way to do it. I wish I would have shuffled however and how many times I felt energetically pulled to do so. I now just riffle shuffle until I feel called to stop. Nothing fancy but it works.

Bonding

I never really resonated with sleeping with my Tarot deck but it seemed like that was what I was constantly being told to do when I started learning Tarot. I did it for a few night and felt like a failure because it just didn’t feel right. I wish I would have known that I could just talk to my deck, write poetry with it and even read for some of my favorite book characters as a way to bond with it. I wish I would have known that bonding is a personal practice and there is no one size fits all.

My Inner Skeptic

My uncles are very religious and when I started reading Tarot they made lots of negative comments that I was stupid for believing in a deck of cards. This negatively affected how I saw divination for a few months and led me to be skeptical of my findings no matter how helpful they were. I wish I would have kept an equal level of skepticism and belief when learning Tarot before others tried to discredit them.

Rituals And Sacred Spaces Oh My

I thought that in order to give the best possible readings to myself or to someone else I needed to perform an elaborate ritual before the reading started and after the reading ended. I also thought I needed a beautifully adorned space with lots of crystals, incense, and candles. It’s funny because I now read in places like coffee shops and bars and I do not really incorporate any set rituals into my practice because I don’t feel like I need to. I wish I would have just focused on the basics and then experimented with creating my own rituals if I felt called to do so instead of feeling like I needed to.

Readings On Repeat

Something that I would do early on was read for a single situation over and over again. I wanted to know all aspect of that particular subject but by pulling various cards. By doing that, the information either didn’t make sense anymore or it became extremely watered down. I wish I would have taken the time to read about one situation straight through and then come back at a later date and ask again if I still wanted more information.

Emotional Readings

I was told early on that I shouldn’t read Tarot when I was sad or depressed. One day I did just that and it helped me more than I knew it would. I wish I would have started to use Tarot more when I had a depression episode to help calm me down and aid me in my healing journey rather than putting my cards away when I needed them the most.

Fancy Schmancy Tools

I thought I needed a fancy silk scarf to wrap my cards in, an elaborate wooden box and expensive incense to purify my cards. Looking back now I want to slap myself. I wish I would have known that those things are all unnecessary in my practice and are just extras not must have’s. I now keep my decks in their original boxes or pencil cases which are both functional and cost effective.

Tarot System Overload

I thought that in order to be a true Tarot reader, whatever that means, I had to learn all the different systems. Imagine me, not fully able to comprehend one deck yet still trying to learn Thoth, Marseille, and Rider Waite Smith all at the same time. Needless to say, it was a disaster. Although I would have still explored the different systems, I would have chosen one to start with exclusively and get to know well before delving deep into another. This would have helped me to achieve a better handle on my Tarot learning.

Mirroring Other Readings

I really looked up to the way my mother and grandmothers read cards that I wanted to mirror how they read. I felt by doing so, I was honoring our family traditions. I quickly found that their style just wasn’t for me. I wish I would have just trusted that my own way of reading Tarot would develop over time instead of trying to mirror theirs.

The Waiting Game

Something that I think held me back was my decision to wait before reading for other people that weren’t my immediate family and friends. I had this mindset that I needed to be studying Tarot for so many years or be a resident reader at a metaphysical shop to be able to read Tarot for other people. I wish I would have allowed myself to take the chance earlier and start reading for strangers. I think this would have helped me become more comfortable in my reading ability and also provide me with the feedback I needed to become better. When I did finally take that plunge and start reading for others, it became the best decision I could have possibly made.

Tarot Certification

When I started learning Tarot, a few of my mentors and people I looked up to talked about Tarot certifications and that every reader should aspire to be “Tarot certified” whatever that meant. I wanted to become certified not because I wanted to learn but because I felt it was what everyone else was doing. I thought having a shiny certificate with my name on it was fancy and somehow would prove that I was an amazing Tarot reader. Looking back now, I am glad I never went through with a certification. It isn’t that I do not think it is valuable because for some readers it may very well be but for me personally it never resonated with me and me wanting it back then was for all the wrong reasons. I wish I would have known that I could still be a great Tarot reader with or without a certificate.

Oracle Deck Allowance

At the beginning of my Tarot journey, I never gave myself a chance to use Oracle cards. I think using oracle cards alongside Tarot readings adds such a fabulous new dimension and layer to an already insightful message. If I could go back, I would give myself permission to enjoy oracle cards as well.

Defining Myself

When I started my Tarot journey I allowed other people’s opinions and judgments to define me as a reader and how I viewed and utilized my Tarot cards. For some reason, I wanted other Tarot readers approval but that wasn’t me at all. I wish that I would have silenced all those things and just remained authentic to myself. The many opinions others had of me influenced how I read the cards and that is something I still am actively letting go of today.

Burning Out

When I started out with Tarot, I tried to learn as much as I could. I did Tarot reading after reading for myself and even offered some practice readings on free forums. Long story short, I ended up burning myself out. I wish I would have given myself the time to take a break from Tarot and allow my mind to process the information instead of tiring myself out.

The Comparison Game

When starting on my Tarot journey, I used to compare myself to other Tarot readers. Comparing yourself to other people is never a good feeling and I wish I could go back and focus on the skills and good qualities that I had as a reader instead of those that others had, that I lacked.

Being A Solo Reader

At the beginning of my Tarot journey, I didn’t really have a lot of friends. This wasn’t by choice as there weren’t lots of local metaphysical shops as there are now but I wish I tried harder to find people who were of a like mind. I connected with a lot of my Tarot peers through online forums like tarotforum.net and it helped me shape who I was as a reader. I didn’t stick with it though and continued most of my study solo.  The accessibility of social media that we have today is something that I do not take for granted because back then, connecting with other Tarot readers was so difficult, especially if you were a beginner.

Those Darn Book Meanings

When I would start reading for myself with the cards I heavily relied on the book meanings. I would go through either the little white book or one of my many Tarot books I had from the library and try to decipher the message. I wish I would have learned to trust my own intuition and create my own meanings of the cards.

Fear Of Being Wrong

When I first started reading for others I had this huge anxiety of steering people in the wrong direction when using the cards. I wish I would have been honest with myself and my reading style and instead of trying to focus on concrete predictions, I would have made the client feel empowered and provided choices and avenues they could consider so that they could ultimately make the choices instead of me trying to make the choices for them.

Meaning Fluidity

When I started learning the meanings of the cards I was rigid in how I interpreted them. I thought The Fool always meant new beginnings and Death was a drastic change no matter where it was in a Tarot spread. I wish I would have known that each Tarot card has a myriad of meanings and that one card can mean something completely different in the context of one reading versus another.  

Recording My First Readings

When I started out in my Tarot journey I did lots of readings for myself, my favorite book and television characters. I wish I would have written down or recorded my first readings so that I could now be able to see how much I have grown as a reader.

All Work, No Play

I took my Tarot study very seriously that I never allowed myself any time to just enjoy the process. I wish I would have given myself permission to experiment, have fun and be silly with my cards as I am now.

The Celtic Cross

I know, I know. There are some readers who swear by the Celtic cross as a great beginner Tarot spread. I, however, am not one of them. The Celtic cross was so intimidating to me when I first started out. There are ten spread positions and as a beginner, I felt like that was the only true spread I could use. I wish I would have stuck with pulling one to three cards to become more comfortable with reading before I jumped into a large spread like the Celtic Cross.

Cleansing The Deck

As a beginner Tarot reader, I thought I needed to cleanse my deck every time I gave someone else a reading because it is what so many other people told me was the “right” thing to do. I don’t ever cleanse my decks anymore. I mean okay that is a lie… I’ve cleansed one deck, in the last year because that deck was being a total buttface but other than that I don’t feel like I need to. I wish I would have known that how many times I cleansed my deck was personal to me and doing so should be my choice and how I felt instead of following other people and their way of doing things.

Living The Daily Tarot Life

After I consumed myself with Tarot for the first year I put it away and I quickly forgot everything I learned. I wish I would have incorporated Tarot into my daily life like I do now. Something as easy as pulling a card of the day for myself would have helped me still keep Tarot in the forefront without taking lots of time and energy.

Wrong First Deck

I felt like I had to read with the Rider Waite Smith, Thoth or Marseille because that is what the majority of what other readers were using. I wish I would have allowed myself the permission to choose my own deck based on what I liked and what felt right instead of succumbing to what I felt I needed to start with.

Those Darn Scary Cards

I admit, when I started learning Tarot I dreaded pulling the Death card, the Tower or even The Devil cards. They scared the crap out of me. I wish I would have known that each card within the Tarot has both a shadow and illuminated aspect and that there aren’t inherently “bad” cards within the deck. Knowing this early on would have helped me see that there can be empowerment in the tower and sadness in the sun card.

Reading Boundaries

One of the biggest mistakes I made when starting reading for others was to not set clear boundaries of the types of readings I was comfortable doing and the ones I wanted to stay clear from. I learned quickly to be upfront with anyone who wanted a reading from me about what type of reader I was, what type of questions I do not answer and what my ethics were. During my first year of reading for others, I did a lot of free practice readings. I made it a habit to let those know that I was still learning and that the reading provided was to help me grow as a reader while giving them insight but for them to take it with a grain of salt.

Fear Of Success

Once I was comfortable using Tarot to help myself and others, I began to somehow fear and sometimes even sabotaged my own successes. I doubted if what I was doing was even real and if I was indeed helping others, despite the glowing reviews and acknowledgments from others. I wish that I would have taken the time to sit with myself and understand my feelings of success and why it scared me so much.

Saying No No No

Once I started opening up to read for other people, my close friends and family members started asking for readings on an everyday basis. It got to the point that people only wanted to hang out with me so that I could read their cards. I wish I would have been firm and said no to my family and friends who abused my kindness and generosity while I was still learning.

Feedback And Criticism

I wish I would have known the difference between someone bullying me and giving constructive criticism. While I did face times where people discouraged, bullied and belittle me, I wish I would have taken the advice from those who provided constructive criticism and genuinely wanted to better me as a reader instead of seeing it as a personal attack.

Life Answers

During my first few tries with Tarot, I thought the cards held all the answers to my problems and would be able to tell me what to do with complete clarity. I learned rather quickly that Tarot was a guide and it was my choices and the commitment to those choices that made up my life. I wish I would have known to not rely on Tarot as an all-knowing oracle and instead use it as a tool for guidance in regards to me making my own decisions within my life.  

Using The Wrong Spread

When I wanted to expand my Tarot arsenal, I tried many different Tarot spreads. Because of the sheer amount of spreads I used to read for myself, it proved very difficult in keeping track of what Tarot spreads worked for me and what didn’t.  I wish I would have tested out spreads more thoroughly before using them to give myself readings instead of just assuming that it was going to answer my question perfectly. I also wish that I was selective in what spreads I used for certain question and had the courage to tweak them to fit my specific situation. I learned quickly that there are some spreads created for one specific purpose that may not necessarily work for another purpose and can give confusing results.

Wrong Questions

Throughout my early years of Tarot, I would sometimes dance around the issue I wanted to know about when performing a reading for myself. In the same respect, I would often ask questions that were disempowering to me and lead to me feeling anxiety with the question I was seeking insight for. I wish I would have taken the time to really focus my questions before starting a reading. I now know the importance of doing a reading that empowers and uplifts instead of leaving me to feel hopeless and defeated no matter what the answer is.


Post Notes:
Please do not remove the captions.
Title: Thirty-Seven Mistakes I Made As A New Tarot Reader
Copyright:  © Ivan Ambrose 2017
Disclaimer: I use the term mistake very loosely in this post as I am a firm believer that each one of my mistakes has helped shape me into the reader that I am today. What I may consider a mistake in my practice and as a Tarot reader may be something that is totally acceptable in your practice. Just because I viewed something as a mistake in my personal practice does not mean that that particular topic should not hold or cannot hold a place of validity and acceptance in yours. The premise of this post is to showcase some of the mistakes I believed I have made as a new Tarot reader. This may be different from your own and that is okay. This post in no way, shape, or form is intended to tell you how you must go about being a new Tarot reader but as a reflection of myself as someone who was once a new Tarot reader. The intention of this post is to share my experiences and my growth as a Tarot reader.  I encourage and open up this conversation to respectful debate and added commentary to supplement this post of any kind.
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rescued

“This is not good. Oh, oh Lord, this is not good at all.”

Bitty peers through the windshield. The snow is falling in curtains now, thick sheets of white that drift down heavy and soft onto the deserted highway. He runs his wipers a few more times, clears the view, then watches as the snow repaints it dot by frigid dot.

He should have known better than to think he could drive up to Massachusetts with a storm approaching. He should have canceled the trip, postponed it, made other plans. But the promise of a real white Christmas had sounded so intriguing, and Larissa had begged him to make the trip.

“You’ll like Samwell,” she’d told him. “It’s pretty sweet.” Which, from Larissa, was the equivalent of singing its praises from the rooftops. And the pictures she sent were so nice – long flowing river, pond, green spaces on the local college campus coated with a dusting of snow.

What he wouldn’t give for a dusting now!  But no, now, he’s stopped by the side of the highway, Samwell a mere two miles away per the last sign he passed, his own fog lamps the only glare in the sea of white outside.

Keep reading

things i am living for in the drunk history episode:

  • “hi. i’m stage’s lin-manuel miranda” because it is Good™ from that moment on
  • how eloquent lin is while still being shitfaced
  • “history spoiler” aka the phrase i will be using always from here on out
  • how he clearly could literally be the most boring person to tell any story on drunk history ever based on the fact that he is completely coherent when quoting the letter but he knows why you’re here and he knows how to be funny thank god
  • giggles
  • “HERE COMES HAMILTON ON A FLAMING SHIP. YOUR ASS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME”
  • i cannot believe lin-manuel miranda just quoted half baked in the context of a founding father truly he is the voice of a generation
  • randomly throwing in quotes from his musical like we won’t notice
  • black george washington #nice
  • long-suffering father washington aka the most accurate portrayal of washington
  • maria reynolds not being genderbent
  • seriously y’all i am here for lesbian alexander hamilton give me approximately 500 fanfics
  • “Reeeeeelly”
  • “Hamilton is Not a Great Dude” is going to be a paper i write one day mark my words
  • the sexy jazz music playing when he quotes the reynolds pamphlet as a history major with a specialty in us history i’m angry that i will never be able to think of the reynolds pamphlet without it but as a history lover i am alive
  • “the reynolds pamphlet is like dick 101″ stop stealing all of my future paper titles
  • i have been saying for years that the founding fathers were children and no one believed me so i’m happy to have this episode of drunk history to show them to prove my point next time
  • questlove calling in the middle and fangirling about drunk history
  • “you’remybestfriend”
  • “aslongasihaveajobyouhaveajob bye”
  • also just all of the chris jackson bit wow
  • “i want to order dominoes”
  • “they’re friends until they’re not” [black and white flashing images] [mental kill bill siren]
  • aubrey plaza’s eyebrows
  • also aubrey plaza in general obvi
  • and alia shawkat do i even need to say that
  • “i have slaves that do that for me” lin you absolute savage
  • the letter sequence #perf
  • how is lin able to play the piano at all while drunk i wish i had that kind of talent
  • singing “i know who i want to take me home” while staring lovingly into burr’s eyes
  • “this motherfucker right here”
  • dat wink
  • “burr was never a monster” just fuck me up
  • fries

this episode was 20 minutes long but i think it changed me

“Cry Followup”, or “See A Doctor! The Musical”

I got sad. A doctor recommended that I go off my anxiety meds because they might be interfering with a bunch of other health issues. I did. It wasn’t good.

I tapered off for months and dealt with the withdrawal symptoms. When they were gone, I felt ok for a few weeks. Then I was easily irritated and sometimes angry. Then weird feelings started to creep in. I guess it was just dread. Maybe it was weird to just be feeling anything after being numbed on meds for so long. I started crying watching movies sometimes or thinking about whatever the fuck. I started getting really sad. Eventually I would cry everyday, sometimes for multiple sessions. It’s strange to think back on that now that I’m safely numbed to fuck again.

My grandfather had died about 8 months earlier and I thought I had emotionally exhausted that, but now it was back and I dwelt on it constantly. I thought of dying with an urgency that I couldn’t distract myself from. I thought of everyone I knew dying. It felt like time was an illusion and it wouldn’t be long until I’m standing beside their open coffins, reflecting on how quickly time had passed and now they’re gone and I’d wasted time not spending more time with them.

Most days I’d just wake up and lie there for hours. I’d try to look at things on my phone to try to distract myself. Snapchat was fun for that. Christ, so was Miitomo. I wouldn’t get any work done. It was difficult to focus and overcome the feeling in my gut of being pulled down and the constant present terror feelings of death and knowing this whole experience will be gone some day, but before that, I’ll watch everyone I know leave too. For a long time, I don’t think I really connected that it was my absence of meds that was doing this to me. I thought maybe it was just circumstances and some kind of Holmes-Rahe scale thing where a bunch of life events happening at once were stacking and compounding my depression feelings. There was no way to win against it and this kind of thing encourages you to not to the things that will typically pull you out of a depression. It makes you want to seclude yourself more and work on further diminishing your self-worth mentally. Instead of seeing friends or doing activities you enjoy, you convince yourself that you’re a burden to them, they don’t really want to see you anyway, and that something bad is going to happen if you go out and do anything. For so many fucking days I just laid there. That makes your depression even worse; your lack of productivity frustrates you and makes you hate yourself. All that wasted time boils your living asshole. It’s a paralysis and you don’t know why you can’t break out of it. You can’t just go into the other room and sit at your computer and do your work. Brains are incredible. Just a bit of absence from a certain chemical changes everything. Of course, you tell yourself things like this, that it’s not really you and that it’s just a biological ineptitude temporarily and that everything will be fine soon enough, but that doesn’t help at all.

That’s the other thing: you don’t feel like this will ever end. This is who you are now. A fucking shrivelled terrified cryhole. I did feel terror quite a few times during all this. It usually gets you when you wake up or try to go to sleep. Everything is still and You are going to fucking die someday, sooner than you think and You have wasted every moment of your life so far blast in your mind and your heart pounds, you can barely breathe, and you might even suddenly groan as panic waves hit your brain in an instant. There’s a terror in knowing there’s no relief from this; that all of these things are true and for some reason you believed the illusion your whole life and weren’t always in the perfect terror about it that you are now. Still, you beg for that trick to come back, to be able to put this mindset away and believe in the stupid shit we tell ourselves just to keep existing in some kind of calm. All these thoughts keep assaulting you with some kind of biological urgency, like you need to figure this problem out immediately or you die. This is what being on chemicals to help your brain for years and then suddenly going off them is like. Your body doesn’t know what the fuck. It’s weird to not give a shit about any of this and then suddenly imperatively have to give a shit about it and be unable to escape it. Even now when I’m in the clear, I still feel its background noise. Maybe I always will from now on. This whole thing has been a Paul on the road to Damascus type ordeal.

I fucking cried watching the new X-Files episodes, my dude. Probably during each one. That’s what it was fucking like. Imagine being in your late ass twenties and something in the X-Files makes you cry because you think of a squandered opportunity, or what you should or shouldn’t have done as a kid, or wishing you had put more effort into certain relationships with family or friends. It just finds anything to grab onto and get you with. You just have a dragging feeling constantly present and looking for things to attach to and convince you you’re sad about. Frankly, it’s fucking annoying. I cried one time because a nintendo phone app was enthusiastic about sharing my character’s picture with others. Just the fact that someone would have an interest in who I am and treat me like a normal person and want to share something about me with other terrible avatars made me cry as I was playing this thing and trying to take a shit. It made me think about my own self-worth and how long I thought there was no reason anyone should give a fuck. Cripe, one time I was almost screaming crying about my best friend who died when we were 11. It was like a fresh wound again and I was lying facedown on my bed wailing like an asshole. Depression can fuck with you.

So, this got pretty bad and I decided I had to see my GP about it. This can become a battle in itself, because past a certain point, you are convinced you aren’t worth the effort and that you’re a burden to have to deal with, and someone else could use that time to see the doctor instead. It gives you any reason to turn yourself down. I cried right away talking to my doctor. All this is really weird to reflect on; I was an entirely different person then. It was like a frantic sadness, an inability to just hold your shit together for even a few minutes. The impending terror was really pressing; a constant urgent anxiety that something bad is going to happen really soon, or that I’m about to get a call that someone I know just died. The doctor recommended seeing a therapist and going back on meds. Now I remember that the reason I finally did something was because my neighbour’s son killed himself. Fuck, that really bothered me. Hearing about any death at all was bad enough, but I think that week I was reading about Edgar Allan Poe’s death and then Vincent Van Gogh’s, and I just got really fixated on vividly imagining their final moments. I think there were others, too. See? Just a stupid thing to waste your time on but in the moment, you think this will help for some reason. Maybe the gravity of that kind of thing hooks you and you can’t help but look into it. So when my neighbour’s son also committed suicide, that was a pretty strong blow. I hadn’t even talked to the guy in over ten years, but I couldn’t help but fixate on having seen his father maybe 3 days prior as he joked in my mom’s backyard and borrowed a ladder. Now his life was ruined and the son he struggled to try to get mental help his whole life had killed himself. He was only 37 and he had a son. I think I spent a few days of weeping out my stupid ass over this, then made the decision to see my doctor.

I started seeing my therapist and cried within 6 minutes of entering his office. I wish I went to see a talk doctor when I was recommended it as a teenager. It’s good shit. Beyond that, I started seeing my friends again. Before this, I think 2 years had passed between us spending time together. I had talked myself into feeling like they were better off without me anyway and had their own real friends and lives that I didn’t have anything to do with. I started to exercise and even just take walks around the block. Sometimes, if I was just lying awake staring at the ceiling, I’d get up and go for a run. I started being able to work on videos again and looked forward to it. Thinking back on it now, I realize I kept streaming during the whole time. That would become the only thing I’d do or look forward to for most of this stretch. SO THANKS IF YOU LOOKED AT MY TERRIBLE STREAMS DURING THIS ERA I WAS QUITE WOUNDED AND I’M HOPEFUL THAT I WASN’T TREMENDOUSLY OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU HELPED KEEP ME STABLE WATCHING ME PLAY WITH CHILDREN’S TOYS. Beyond this, I’d just sleep until the afternoon and try to find a way to kill time until the streams started. This is why there were even less videos than usual. I was sad.

So, these things helped pull me out of the shit. A lot of it is self-examination and discovering why you feel this way in the first place. I’ve talked to my therapist about whether or not this whole thing was because of being on meds for so long and then going off them and feeling a withdrawal, or if that’s who I am underneath the medication.  He said that it is probably both, but more that that’s who I am. Fuck. He categorized this as a major depressive episode. It was weird to just hear the words. That is the kind of thing that happens to people in their mid-30s in office jobs who are getting shit on by everything in their lives. I guess it can also make you feel like a diva asshole; that you feel you’re so important that you had to have this major crisis about yourself. Writing this makes me realize how stupid it is to think like this, but that’s the kind of trap you get put into. Anyway, let me emphasize how important it is to see a therapist if you are depressed. Do it. It can change everything. Also talk to a doctor and see if meds are part of your solution. See a doctor. Do not just let it go. This is like if you had cancer and you just wanted to wait it out or hoped it would get better on its own. A lot of people let it go until it’s overwhelming and consumes them completely and just kill themselves to end the pain. Don’t!

I got better. I went on meds and in just a few weeks I made a drastic improvement. Plus the therapy, and plus feeling like I was doing anything with my life again. I hear a lot about hesitation to go on meds because you feel like they may change the foundation of who you ever are. This doesn’t happen. For me, it made me feel more free to be who I felt like I really was. That said, it may numb your emotions if you are a person who typically feels a lot of things. Just talk to a doctor about any concerns you have and don’t let these build up and become reasons you don’t get help for yourself. You are worth it. The doctor isn’t angry to have to deal with you. If it will cost what you can’t afford, don’t let that become an excuse not to do it. Save up or find a way to make it work. Again, it’s like if you couldn’t afford cancer treatments so you just let it kill you instead of finding out how you can make the situation work financially. What you’re dealing with is serious! Do something about it!

I almost forgot to mention that a lot of getting better was having something to look forward to. Knowing I’d see my friends and we’d have a good time was part of it. Another was spending all of my fucking money to go to as many conventions as I could. They were something I enjoyed in the past but didn’t bother with much anymore, so I decided to get back into them. It was the best choice. Thanks for coming to drink a lot of beers and talk shit if I saw you at a PAX or TwitchCon or Magfest! They were sincerely some of the best times of my life. Knowing that it wouldn’t be long until I’d be at another convention helped a lot with otherwise feeling complete dread. The power of giving yourself something great to look forward to is really strong! Do it! Find things you like and make time for them. Reward yourself! At one point, I got into a really unbalanced lifestyle and would spend maybe 60 or 70 hours a week editing videos and I burned myself out to shit. All I would think about was the job and let my health and relationships go to shit. You’re not supposed to do that. Give yourself good things and make it a habit. Anyway, PAX East soon, my man.

When I wrote my last crypost, a lot of people responded it it. I was in a daze for the rest of that day as I heard from a mountain of individuals. A lot of you deal with issues like this and a lot of you feel hopeless about it. It’s fucked up! This is your life! You’re entitled to a good one! Doing something about it will take a lot less than you may think, and will help you in a lot more ways and probably faster than you may think. A lot of you also said since that you’ve decided to finally get help. So yeah motherfucker I had a cool cry about your messages several times. What was also helpful was anonymous tumblr questions saying they got help so others could see your experiences and know I’m not just yelling out my dick about this. Thanks! You helped people!

Ok I think I have to cut this short now, it got late and I try not to stay awake until fucking 7 AM these days. I feel like I missed a few of the main points I wanted to make but by now I think you get the point that you can feel like you are going to face total annihilation within the next few moments and still get back to normal in very little time. I almost just wrote “Hopefully talking about my own cringe-ass experience helped you with…” and so forth to end this on a light-hearted self-shitting, but that again is part of the problem. Feeling as if your issues are embarrassing, not worthy, juvenile, or to be written off as not serious is no good. I know we joke about this kind of thing to help deal with it, but don’t feel that way for real. AGAIN, YOU’RE WORTH IT. YOU’RE GOOD! YOU’RE WORTH DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL NOT FUCKED UP! GO! 


Go!

Newsies Variety Show recap

Note: this is not in order AT ALL

  • Whole Cast did Carrying The Banner
  • Kaitlin did a parody song (it was about playing Sniper, it was to the tune of a Katy Perry song that I didn’t know, she wrote it with Mike Ryan)
  • Mike and Alex sang an Irving Berlin medley
  • Chaz and Anthony Rosenthal did a tap number (I forget the name of the original song but they changed the words to be about Newsies)
  • SML and Morgan did a song from Dogfight. Morgan’s boyfriend was sitting at my table and he was fanboying over her. It was cute.
  • Devin Lewis, Stephen Hernandez and Daniel Switzer did “How Far I’ll Go”
  • Beth and Jack did “I Want To Dance With Somebody”
  • Steph and Dan did a big Disney medley
  • Zas did “I Can Do That” from “A Chorus Line.” It was great. His ex was sitting at my table. She seems nice.
  • Joey did a song that he wrote. It was long and kind of sad but a great song.
  • Nick Masson did “Everything” by Michael Buble.
  • Ethan/Jonathan/Anthony did “Friendship” by Cole Porter but they changed the words and basically ended it by giving Jonathan shit for going through puberty.
  • The show ended with a reprise of Carrying The Banner and then they did a little bit of King of New York.

Some other tidbits:

  • The cast members who are in Mean Girls and Cats were not there (although DeMarius showed up at the end after the show was over), but they were across the street at Characters and Jordan was there too. Ben Cook was having white wine (oops).
  • SML went cross-eyed during the closing number
  • Apparently Chaz dropped the mic by accident during his tap number in the first show (I went to the second)
  • Jeff Heimbrock did not show up, but Zach Sayle did. He only performed in the opening number and the closing number.
  • Joey dropped the F bomb
  • Jackie Burns (Elphaba) was there because she is friends with Dan, presumably through that party promoter dude that sends people from Glee on cruises with toursies (Jackie is good friends with Jenna Ushkowitz, who has gone on vacation with Dan)
  • When a bunch of us went across the street and made contact with the other newsies, Mike Ryan ran up to Josh Burrage, lifted him up in the air and screamed “LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN’ CAT!”
  • Joey did regional theater with one of my improv friends and he was so happy I knew her
  • Chaz used to live with another one of my improv friends and has met her snortbag of a dog
  • Dan actually remembered the words to the songs this time and I mentioned it to Zach and Zach goes “it’s a Christmas miracle” and I was like “it’s October, dude.”
  • It was a great show and worth every penny but I still wish Jacob had been able to do it or at least been there.
Stardust

Knight!Bucky Barnes X Castle Maid!Reader

A/N: Surprise! I present to you my first time writing in an AU. Just a little something extra along with what I have coming soon.

Words: approx. 2.1K

Prompt: Knights and castles and dancing and kisses. Arthurian AU.

Warnings: implied familial death, insecurities, kissing (is that even a warning idk)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes, milady. Of course.” You smiled widely as Queen Guinevere told you of the ball that she wished to hold at the palace today, in commemoration of her beloved King Arthur’s return.

She had called for your help on choosing a dress that was sure to catch the King’s eye.

After hours spent showing her beautiful gowns that you could only hope in vain to ever have the honor of wearing, she decided on a soft lavender gown. You could only gape at the way that it fitted her, bringing out every ounce of femininity in her very being.

“It’s lovely, my lady.” You said, unable to hide your astonishment. Guinevere smiled, holding the gown to her frame. Shamefully embarrassed by your momentary indulgence, you turned your gaze downwards. Just as a mere servant would be expected to behave.

The queen noticed your sudden change.

“Surely, you will be there?” She questioned.

“With all due respect, my queen, I’m afraid I cannot bow to your wishes.” You said, the words leaving your mouth with the ease of silk gliding over soft skin. These exact words had left your mouth many times. Always the same exact words, always the answer to this question.

You plastered on a smile. You didn’t understand why she asked you every time a great celebration took place when the  A part of you ached to go. However, no peasant such as yourself should associate themselves with the upper class.

Guinevere smiled sadly.

“I truly wish you will someday be able to grace us with your presence.” She smiled, her voice teasing at your reluctance.

“As do I.” You offered her a small smile. Ever since you had come to work at the castle, the queen had become a friend rather than your superior. But for a royal such as her to be so close with someone of a such a low standing as you, it was considered…blasphemous. You could be killed for it.

Keep reading

3

some time ago i created crowley and aziraphale on the sims 3. here are some of the “interesting” things that happened to them so far (i play in portuguese, so i’m sorry if i translate the game terms in a weird way!):

- they live together in an apartment, and have their own separate rooms. one day crowley simply started sleeping in aziraphale’s bed when az was already asleep there

- they went to champs les sims (basically, france) and crowley wanted to learn how to produce nectar. i had to take care of him so he would do what was necessary to learn and just left aziraphale to do whatever he wanted. when i was able to check on aziraphale, he had drunk so much nectar he went to the bathroom and vomited everything. then he came back and started drinking again

- one of crowley’s wishes is to kiss aziraphale for the first time (i haven’t even made them flirt yet, he wants it just by himself!). meanwhile, none of aziraphale’s wishes are related to romancing crowley, just to becoming good friends with him and having a drink at different places

- once crowley wanted to start and win a fight at a bar. he started it. and lost. (aziraphale just ran to the other side of the room when it started poor thing)

- crowley keeps getting stuck between the elevator’s doors and falling with his face on the floor when leaving it. i’ve never seen it happen to aziraphale

my conclusions so far: crowley is a big loser no matter what universe he’s in

Anyone able to help?

Someone brought to my attention that on AO3 there’s another fic, with two chapters so far that is almost exactly the same plot wise with my fic dark wishes… What do I do? It’s not exact to like every word. But the plot so far is being copied with just a few differences. From where they meet at a pub, to Tom character owning a club, giving her lift home, friend being suspicious, needing help with the seatbelt… Or am I just being dramatic cow and shouldn’t let it bother me? I’ve not had this happen before buts it’s definitely copying my fic, unless one hell of a coincidence!!

This is the fic in question, whether in being over paranoid or not about it. It’s just way similar for my liking. http://archiveofourown.org/works/11299608/chapters/25281966
(y/n)’s Song (Alexander Hamilton x Reader)

Summary: A song fic based on Taylor Swift’s “Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)” watch you relationship grow starting from the time you first met.

Time Period: Modern

Warnings: None really. There is one part that has arguing in it, but it’s not terrible.

Words: 3,400

A/N: Hello! So it’s been so long since I’ve posted, but I’m glad to be posting this story for the first day of my 1k celebration. Anyway, as mentioned, this is inspired by a Taylor Swift Song, so I don’t own any of the lyrics. I hope you enjoy this and have a fabulous day!

Bolded/Italics: Song Lyrics

Italics: Memories

She said, I was seven and you were nine. I looked at you like the stars that shined in the sky, the pretty lights.

You stood behind your parents, trying to make yourself invisible, as your parents spoke to their good friend Rachel Hamilton. A young boy, two years older than you, stood beside and he looked quite bored.

“Mom, can’t I go back inside?” he complained.

“Oh, Alex, why don’t you take (y/n) to the backyard. The two of you can play while the adults talk.” she suggested, giving Alex a push towards you as your parents pushed you to Alex.

Alex grabbed your hand and dragged you to the backyard where a life-long friendship formed. He looked at you and sized you up and hoped you didn’t mind running around and getting dirty. You didn’t.

“I just want you to know that if you try to make me do anything girly, I’ll beat you up.” Alex threatened, as he tried act menacing.

“No you won’t.” you stated, looking into his eyes.

He started at you in shock. “Oh yeah? What makes you think that?”

“You don’t seem mean or icky like the boys at school.” you admitted, smiling slightly.

And our daddies used to joke about the two of us growing up and falling in love, and our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes and said oh my my my.

While you and Alex ran around, playing hide and seek, your parents watched fondly from afar. It was silent until your father spoke up.

“You know, I think I see the beginning of a relationship. I’ll bet you that those two grow up and get married.” you father promised, a fingered pointed at your mother and Alexander’s.

The two women just rolled their eyes and laughed, but they thought about the possibility. It would be a could match. Right?

Take me back when our world was one block wide. I dared you kissed me and ran when you tried.

As that week progressed, you and Alex spent every free minute together. It wasn’t uncommon if you ended up staying for dinner at his house or vice-versa.

One day, the two of you sat inside and were talking about school. Since Alex was in fourth grade, and you were only in second grade, you loved to here the stories of what went on in his classroom. Today, he was telling you had this girl Jasmine kissed a boy named Anthony.

“And then-”

“Alex.” you interrupted and looked straight into his eyes. “Kiss me.” you dared and wondered if he would actually do so.

He sat down for a moment and you thought he wasn’t going to accept the dare. However, you were caught off guard when Alex stepped closer to you, lips puckered. You squealed and ran away from him.

“No, Alex, don’t. Please.” you laughed, while running outside, trying to escape the boy trying to kiss you.

Oh if you could have only stayed in that time when your entire world was a block wide.

Well, I was sixteen when suddenly I wasn’t that little girl you used to see.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Can you explain what the lines meant in the most recent chapter: never doing anything concrete because he always wanted to see Hide? I feel like I'm not really grasping it.

Let’s start by saying that I think that makyun did a better translation of that bit. I haven’t seen the japanese text so of course this is just my (possibly wrong) opinion, but it just makes more sense than whatever MS went with (at least, from a grammar pov). 

So, what do we have here:

Touka: …Hey.
Touka: …You had that one friend didn’t you?

Kaneki: Are you talking about Hide…?

Touka: …What did you do when you felt like you wanted to meet him?
Kaneki: …

Kaneki: There was never a time where I felt that ‘I was barely able to do something’.
Kaneki: And whenever that happened…
Kaneki: I wanted to meet him so badly that I couldn’t help myself…

Touka: …

is Kaneki basically being his usual Kaneki self. Having a will of his own and doing absolutely nothing about it. 

We already know that he left Hide behind because he didn’t want to expose him to danger, same way as Touka, but even more so because he was human and too perceptive and smart for his own good. 

But we also know that Kaneki secretly wanted nothing more than having Hide walk at his side: 

So basically what happened was that he had two opposing desires battling against each other, and the result was that he was left unable to do anything at all. Not only that, but his feelings were also complicated by the belief he had at the time that Hide wouldn’t accept him, once he found out that he’d become an half ghoul, so here’s why: 

There was never a time where I felt that ‘I was barely able to do something’.

he never felt like he could do anything concrete about his wish to see Hide again.

Everything makes a lot of sense when you also realize that back then his mantra was: “Instead of hurting others, be the one who gets hurt.” >> Instead of hurting Hide, be the one who suffers alone and keep away from him. 

I hope this makes sense! If anyone wants to add up, feel free to!

How we met Floriana Lima

So I’m going to skip the unsuccessful Saturday, where we were waiting for her outside the hotel for like only 3 hours or so :D Sunday was way better ;)
We camped outside from like 11 am, knowing that “you-know-who” :D has red carpet and some program at 2pm. So we were hoping she will go out with him. So we were waiting, but they didn’t came out :( We found out on the internet he is already at his program, but Flo was not on the pictures with him. I tried twitter, hoping for anything to give us hope she’s even inside and I found her instagram story she uploaded around 1:30pm. Her instagram story was a video of her room view and she even recorded us standing down there :D So we knew she is in the hotel and we also knew which window was hers!! :D
This put new energy inside of us and we decided to just stay there and hope for the best, “you-know-who” had another program at 4:30pm so we hoped she would come out then :D
After another 2 hours of waiting, we came up with a lot of theories how we could catch her attention (beside tagging her on twitter and instagram that we already tried) - like train a pigeon to flew with a note up to her open window, borrow a drone with a written message or even shouting her name from top of our lungs :D. Shortly after 4pm we decided to wait another 30 minutes until the mentioned program started and then we were going to give up. We were sad and totally sure it wont work out.
And then I saw her. She came out from the hotel, and was waiting for her car to pull over. Luckily while I was barely able to breath my friends who were with me shouted her name and she just looked surprised at first that she has some fans waiting for her there. She had sunglasses on which she immediately put down which was nice, cos we were able to see her in the eye :)

She came to us smiling, autographing our prepared Maggie photos. I vaguely remember her doing something like “aww” what she saw we have Maggie’s photos. She signed and took pictures with us, smiling her dimples off. She looked genuinely happy she has fans there, she was very nice and I really wish i could remember this whole meeting better :D.
She signed photo of Sanvers, where she drew a little heart over Alex (of course she did ❤), and she commented on the bts photo from shooting the 221 with the shotgun “that was an amazing day” :).
When her car was waiting for her for a while already, she finished all the signing and selfie-ing with us and she had to go :( But when the car was leaving, she pulled down her window, waved and us and thanked us for coming ❤❤❤
I’m more than sure I don’t remember like half of things that happened, but i think you can understand that :D

I would love to thank all of you guys, who were rooting for me, this was a dream come true for me and I’m so happy right now. Thank you for all your kind words!
And the biggest thanks from them all goes to @raven618 and @reginaisthegoodone for taking all those photos of me and Flo and especially for those amazing 3+6 hours of standing in one place and still having fun doing so :D ;)

And to answer all of your questions… :D She is smol, but not so much as I participated :D I don’t know if she smells good, cos since we haven’t hugged it would be weird for me to try and smell her :D Her voice is even more sexy and hot than in the TV and her head pressed against mine in our photo? That was all her ❤

Things I Wish I Knew My Freshman Year of Uni

Academic Tips

“You are responsible for your own learning.”

1. Always do your work when you get it and don’t wait until the last minute. Waiting until the last minute to get work done will sometimes allow you to still get things done by their due date but it leaves little room for studying and reviewing between then and in the end will hurt you on exams. 

2. Work alone. The best way to learn new material is to do it on your own and struggle through and figure it out ON YOUR OWN. I wish someone had told me this because I really struggled to catch up in classes this past semester because I would do my homework with friends instead of learning how to do things on my own and it hurt me a lot on exams. 

3. Find friends you can study with.You want to be able to be productive if you choose to do a study session. Studying with friends might be okay if you work well together but chances are you’ll get distracted. Find people you work well with to study because you tend to learn more that way. For me, that was people I met in class and at office hours.

4. Please oh, please use office hours This is such a big one that freshman don’t use until the last minute. These are your best bet for getting questions answered if you didn’t understand something in lecture, on your homework, etc. Plus, getting to know your prof is very important because they tend to be more helpful if they see you are working hard in their class and they give good letters of recommendation if you make a good impression on them. If you can’t make their office hours, email them or set up an appointment. It’s very important to have good communication. 

5. Sit in the front and ask questions Be the nerd of the lecture by sitting in the front and don’t be afraid to ask a question. However, if its a question that requires a lengthy answer, save it for office hours so you don’t the lecture behind schedule. 

6. BUY AND READ THE DARN TEXTBOOK So many people tell you not to buy the textbook if you don’t truly need it for assignments but that is so wrong. You will always need the textbook if it is in the syllabus. Period. Read the chapters BEFORE lecture and review it afterward if material still doesn’t make sense. You will learn so much more and remember so much more in a faster time period than if you don’t read it at all. The book is also extremely important for covering details that won’t be covered in lecture.

Social Life 

1. Meet new and DIFFERENT people instead of people like yourself. These people will show you so many cool new things that you’ll never experience otherwise. Meeting new and different people can be challenging and uncomfortable at first if you’re shy like me but it will make your college experience much more worth it. 

 2. Join clubs but not too many. Take part in activities and clubs that you enjoy but be careful not to overload yourself. Freshman year you should start off by just trying a few clubs here and there just to see what you like before committing to a lot of anything.

3. Don’t be afraid to say no to alcohol, drugs, and even hanging out. College students say “You do you” and they really mean it. You don’t have to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do and no one will judge you for that. If you find “friends” who do judge you, make some new friends. Also, remember that school comes first so if you have a large project to do and your friends want to go out, its ok to say no. Your friends should understand that in college, you really need to get stuff done and that schedule can be different than theirs.

 4. Be okay with being alone but completely surrounded by people. You are almost guaranteed to different schedules than your friends so you’ll learn that you’ll often be eating or doing school work alone. This is perfectly normal! Learn to like it because it’s nice to do things on your own. You may feel lonely sometimes but you’re also always surrounded by people. It’s hard to find actual privacy in college especially when you live in the dorms and share a room with a roommate. It will be strange at first but you’ll find the right balance of being along and being with people over time. 

Roommates and Dorms 

1. “A clean room is a clean mind.” Keeping a clean room will help you to study because you’ll be able to easily find everything you need instead of digging through piles of clothes and other belongings. Dorm rooms are also very small so putting things in their rightful storage places is essential for keeping a tidy room.

2. Study outside of your room as much as you can. If you’re like me, you can distract yourself easily especially when you don’t want to do something (like study). By getting the majority of your work done in the library or somewhere else on campus other than your room, you have less options to distract yourself whereas in your room, you have all your stuff to pick up and lose hours of study time with. 

3. Be straightforward with your roommate. If your roommate is doing something that bothers you, tell them clearly right away (politely). Otherwise, they’ll never know and continue to do what is bothering you. In order to avoid arguments, tell them right away very nicely and they should stop. It might be their room too, but you need to make sure that you’re happy as well. 



I hope this was helpful. This is only SOME of the tips I could think of for right now but I have tons more tips and advice that I love to share. If you have any questions about these tips or want to know more, feel free to ask. 

SF9 Reaction to: Their Crush Accidentally Sending Them Nudes While Dating Another Member

a.n: I seen another blog do something similar to this, but for exo, so credit to them!! :D


Inseong: So amazed by your picture that it takes a while for him to even realize that it wasn’t meant for him. He looks away sadly, no longer able to admire your form, now that he realizes he can never have you. He blinks back tears, hoping that his friend appreciates how lucky he is to have you.

Originally posted by yngbin

Youngbin: So jealous that he feels sick. He wishes he had received that picture on purpose, that you were his and he didn’t have to ignore his feelings. But as leader, he would always put his members first. Jaeyoon deserved happiness and he couldn’t live with himself if he tried to take that away.

‘You’ll get over it someday,’ he tells himself.

Originally posted by ohjuho

Jaeyoon: Tells Inseong right away, seeking advice. They both giggled over the picture, like little boys. Although Inseong can offer no advice, he does admit that Youngbin is a lucky man. This is of no help to Jaeyoon and the two end up just bickering like an old married couple.

Originally posted by sunshineyootaeyang

Dawon: Looks up from the picture, heart beating wildly. Although he knew he could never have you and genuinely wished you and Zuho the best, this picture was the next best thing. It allowed him to imagine what dating you would be like and helped ease the pain of his unrequited crush.

Originally posted by sf9fantasy

Zuho: Awkward as hell. Won’t be able to look you in the eye and starts to avoid you and Dawon when you’re together. He can’t bare to see the happy couple, and imagine what Dawon gets to touch while he can’t.

Originally posted by mayfifolle

Rowoon: Swallows his jealousy, not wanting to let it come between his friendships with you and Taeyang. But he will tell you that he received the picture, and politely ask you to be more careful next time. He doesn’t think his heart can handle anymore pain like this, of knowing what could have been but never will be.

Originally posted by dangchanhee

Taeyang: It takes a moment for his mind to process what he’s seeing. Then he immediately turns red. He’s too shy to tell you or Rowoon that he accidentally received the picture, no doubt meant for your boyfriend. Instead he keeps it a secret, deleting the picture out of respect to you. It wasn’t meant for his eyes, so although the image is ingrained in his mind, he didn’t feel right keeping it.

Originally posted by taeyamg


a/n: Hwiyoung & Chani are too young to be included in this!! But I hope you enjoyed!! I know SF9 aren’t super famous so if you don’t know them, I recommend you look them up! You won’t be disappointed ;)

Walking (or not) at Graduation

As graduation season approaches, I can’t help but reflect on my own high school graduation almost ten years ago now. At the time, I was learning to walk again after several operations and I was told that I shouldn’t accept my diploma from my wheelchair. I should walk across the stage like everyone else.

We’ve all seen those “inspirational” videos that float around the internet of disabled people rising out of their wheelchairs to a screaming audience as they walk across the stage and accept their diplomas.
I’m not bashing anyone who has ever done this or wants to but, these videos make people think, as a disabled person, your goal should be to walk at graduation because someone else did.
If you are a disabled student who is getting ready to graduate I’m here to tell you right now,
you don’t have to walk at graduation if you don’t want to.

It was never my choice to walk at graduation. It was expected of me.
Not once, during my final months in school, did I express a desire to walk on stage.  
Not once, during rehab and PT, did I say, “this is what I want to do.”
They decided they wanted it for me.
So, I was told that’s what I was going to do.

The problem was, their plan to have me walk during my ceremony was not planned or executed well and ended up being a stressful situation for me.
Looking back on it now, I have no positive memories of the experience.
I do not look back and think, “It was worth it.” Or, “I’m glad I did it.”
No. I look back and think, “I would have been fine if I didn’t do it.”
Because I never wanted or needed the experience in the first place.

A week or so before graduation it was decided that I was going to walk with a walker at the ceremony. Except, there was little to no planning involved and I, physically, was not prepared.
In fact, I don’t remember much thought being put into it at all.

The problem was, the event planners had already arranged for one less seat in my space, obviously because they were told a wheelchair would be used at the ceremony.
We were told they would be notified to add another seat but no one made sure it was done. So here I am on graduation day, being made to do this long walk that I couldn’t really handle, only to find out I had nowhere to sit for the entire ceremony!
Luckily, a fellow disabled student and his para were in front of me and the para gave their chair to me and had to crouch down for the ceremony instead.

Then, when it came time for me to do the walk across the stage, I was so preoccupied with getting to the end, I forgot to stop and pause for the traditional graduate photos that had been paid for by my parents (frustrating!) Then, to top it off, when I reached the podium I couldn’t accept my diploma because I couldn’t hold the diploma and walk with the walker!
Again, no one had planned or been notified of the situation and they didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully, I am a twin and I was the first to graduate so I quickly whispered for them to give my diploma to my brother, who was next to graduate.
(We asked and arranged for them to call us up together and were told they would but, once again, things did not go that way.)
After leaving the stage we had to walk a circle around the auditorium to get back to our seats, which was way more walking than anyone anticipated for me and I was not able to do it easily. By the time I made it to my seat again, I could barely breathe, my chest was on fire, I was sweating under my cap and gown, and my body was ready to give out.
Once the ceremony was over, I faced yet another obstacle.  As the graduates were filed out of the auditorium we were told we had to go to the cafeteria to pick up our records, which was on the other end of the school.
Again, I was not physically able to make that walk, but I had been separated from my brother and couldn’t ask him to get my records.  
I didn’t know what else to do, so I slowly and painfully made the walk to get them myself only to be told my brother had picked them up ahead of me.
It took all my strength to not burst into tears.
Everything about that graduation had gone horribly wrong. No one had been properly prepared or informed and I wish it had gone differently.

As I sit here writing, a good friend of mine is planning to walk across the stage at her graduation this month, and I couldn’t be more happy or excited for her.
This may sound strange after my experience but, my reasons why are simple:
This is her decision and she is doing it for herself and no one else.
She is mildly affected by CP and since I have known her, she has always tried to show people that she can do whatever she wants. She has a strength and determination about her that I admire so much. One of her goals is to run a marathon and she has been training hard to reach that goal.
She has always used crutches to help herself around school so not many of her peers realize that she can walk independently at home, or that she is training to run a marathon in the future.
So, it makes sense for her to want to walk during her graduation ceremony and she has made sure it is well planned and set up.
She can do this and I support her choice.

If you do decide you want to walk at graduation, please do it for yourself because YOU want to. Not because you feel you should.
And if you find yourself in a situation like mine, make sure to carefully plan it out. Talk to your teachers. Talk to your principle. Tell everyone you can! Make sure they are fully aware that you are planning to walk. Make sure they plan accordingly. Check and recheck to make sure things are taken care of and plan for anything that may go wrong and have a backup plan.

Finally, remember this day is about you and about celebrating your achievements. Walking across the stage is only one small part of that and it doesn’t matter in the least if you are walking, rolling, crawling, or skipping across it.

You will get there and that is the only thing that should matter.

Wanna Be

length: 1,768 words

genre: fluff

summary: you and wonho have been “a thing” for awhile, but you desperately just want to make it official

a/n: y/f/n stands for your friends name; I honestly love writing for wonho cause I think secretly I’m in love with him (sorry jooheon), but I feel like everyone secretly or publicly loves him haha

Originally posted by vitunkpoppi

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2

Basement Tapes: Eric in the car alone.

“The camera is stopped and re-started again. During the next portion of the film Eric Harris is alone inside of a moving car. Harris is the driver. The camera seems to be recording him from the dashboard. It is dark outside, during this portion of the tape and it appears there are raindrops on the window of the car. At one point you see a street sign that says, “Federal.” There is music playing in the car which is fairly loud. As a result it is difficult to understand what Harris is saying at times.  At one point he references “The Black Jack Crew” and specifically mentions “Jason” and “Chris.” Harris says, “You guys are very cool.” He also says, “Sorry dudes, I had to do, what I had to do.” Harris also mentions, “Angel,” “Phil,” and “Bob.” Harris says that ‘Bob is one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met in my life, except for being an alcoholic.” Harris also says he’s, going to miss Bob. At one point Harris states, “It is a weird feeling knowing you’re going to be dead in 2 ½ weeks.” Harris also mentions not being able to decide “if we should do it before or after prom.” At the end of this portion of this video tape Harris mentions, wishing he could have re-visited Michigan and “old friends.” At this point he becomes silent and appears to start crying and appears to wipe a tear from the left side of his face. At this point he reaches over towards the camera and it is shut off.”

i’ll make this feel like home

read on ao3

pairing: archie/jughead

summary:  There’s something about sharing a bed that makes you feel safe. However, sharing a bed with the right person can make you feel at home.

note: This is post 1x07 and canon compliant except for the fact that bughead doesn’t exist.


“Hey Juggie,” Archie whispered in the middle of the night. He was lying in bed while his best friend was sleeping on a makeshift mat down on the floor.

He was excited at first to have Jughead living with him. It kind of felt like a sleepover every night. But now, a week had passed and Archie found himself content with the new familiarity of having the other boy share his room. He couldn’t remember how he ever got any sleep before because now, he was almost certain that he could never fall asleep without the soft lullaby of Jughead’s breathing.

“Juggie,” Archie repeated. “You still awake?”

“No,” Jughead groaned and Archie smiled and sat up.

“Buddy, I was thinking-”

Jughead interrupted him. “Well, I was sleeping.”

Archie rolled his eyes in the darkness. “No, listen. I wanted to apologize.”

Archie waited a moment to see if Jughead was going to say something, anything. He couldn’t see his friend in the darkness of the room and Archie thought that it would make this whole thing easier.  

“I’m listening,” Jughead told him. 

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What is going (Teen wolf, Riverdale Part 1)

Archie Andrews x Reader, Stiles Stilinski x Reader
Word Count: 2,067
Summary: Y/N lives in Riverdale but moves to Beacon Hills, and something supernatural happens to her, she doesn’t know what the hell is going on, she is friends with the pack, she goes back to Riverdale secretly and something happens.
Warning: Swearing
Note: I’m sorry if the grammar isn’t the best, I tried my best, english isn’t my first language,, I hope you enjoy this. Also I don’t own any of the gifs here, credits to the people who posted them and I obviously do not own the characters of Teen wolf and Riverdale.


“For how long are you gonna be gone? oh my god, i’m gonna miss you a lot, friday nights at Pop’s aren’t going to be same without you.” Archie said, his sad eyes looking at me.

 I had just gave him the bad news, I was moving to Beacon Hills because of my dad’s job, I didn’t want to leave, I grew up here, I didn’t want to leave Riverdale. I had decided to tell Archie first since he was my best friend, I’ve always been there for him and he has for me, in fact I’ve been in love with Archie for quite a long time now, but I had never been brave enough to tell him, besides I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with him.

 “I really don’t know, i’m gonna miss you a lot too, i feel like i’m having this nightmare and i just want to wake up, i’m not sure if im going to able to survive without you singing to me” Archie laughs a little, giving me a sad smile. 

 “So when are you leaving?” He asked me. I sighed wishing this wasn’t happening, wishing there was something i could do, but really there wasn’t. 

“This Saturday by the morning” I told him. It was Tuesday which meant I only had four days left with my best friends. 

 “Lets make this days unforgettable” He said as he hugged me. 


 The days have passed, the day I was waiting for it not to come had come, I had spend this days with my friends and made some crazy shit before I left, it was Saturday, 9am and I was about to leave. Ronnie, Betty, Jughead, Archie, Reggie and Fred were outside of my house helping me and my family get all the boxes in the car, god I was going miss them a lot. When everything was finally on the car, my parents talking to Fred, I was having some last time alone with my friends. 

 “You need to text me every day, don’t you dare not giving me a call, cause Y/N Y/L/N i will kill you if i know you changed us for some other people at Beacon Hills. Also i need to know if there are cute guys, maybe talk to them about me” Ronnie laughed as she hugged me.

 “Please tell me you are gonna take care of yourself and like Veronica said, DON’T CHANGE US FOR ANYONE” Betty said hugging me also.

“I won’t i promise, i’m going to met probably a lot of people there but you guys are unique, and i will never change you” I said almost crying, I hated being this sensitive .

 “So what are u going to miss more about me? My extremely unique beauty or my amazing jokes?” Jughead said playfully as I gave him a small punch in the shoulder. 

 “I don’t think i’m gonna miss neither of them…. i’m joking of course i’m gonna miss your stupid jokes, Jug” I said, giving him a hug, gosh I was really going to miss him, every time I was upset about something he always had a dumb joke to say and made me laugh. 

Reggie was there too, none of the “gang” were really friends with him, but somehow I managed to make a strong connection with him, he is not an asshole all the time, he can be nice if he wants to.

“Hell, who am i going to bother now? You better come back when the new season of friends comes out, or else i will kill you. Take care of yourself, i hate to say this but i love you, thanks for everything y/n.” I couldn’t help to laugh at the last part.

“Reggie i’m just moving out 5 hours away from here, its not like i’m dying, besides we can always FaceTime, right?” I asked him, as I hugged him one last time. “Tell Lucy i’m gonna miss her” I said as I broke the hug. (lets imagine Reggie has a sister and her name is Lucy)

Finally Archie speak. 

 “Y/N i don’t even know what to say, i’m gonna miss you a lot, you better come back soon, if you don’t im going for you, please take care of yourself and i hope you don’t like it a lot there, cause Riverdale will always be the better place” he said as he hugged me and I didn’t know if it was just me or the hug was a lot longer than the others. 

“I’m coming back i promise, and take care of yourself too, and please if you are gonna date someone make sure she is your age” I joked, his cheeks turning a bright red while Jughead chuckled.

 “Bye guys, i will miss you all a lot, don’t miss me much, i’ll be back before you know it, and don’t get in trouble, yes Jughead i’m talking to you.” They laughed as you make your way to the car and open the door. “I love you guys” my voice cracked at that last sentence, making my way to the car, i stopped and said goodbye to Fred and i got into the backseats of the car.

 “I love you too” Archie mumbled hoping you would hear him and stay with him but that didn’t happened, he had whispered that to himself.

Originally posted by thekjsmut


 2 months have passed since I moved to Beacon Hills, everything was going fine, I texted my friends whenever I could, they seemed to be doing pretty well, I liked Beacon Hills, I really did but I still missed my old house. When I got here the first person I met was Lydia she introduced herself very nicely seeing that I were the new girl, she invited me to have lunch with her and her friends, that’s when I met all of them, Scott, Stiles, Allison, Lydia, Isaac, Liam, Malia ( ik ik Allison’s dead but she is alive here, bc i luv her) they were all nice and I became best friends with them but I always though they were little bit weird, like i had this feeling that they were hiding something from me but I didn’t want invade their privacy, i kept telling myself that it’s was probably nothing.


 On a friday night, Allison had invited us to her house to hang out, nothing weird, I don’t know how but I had managed myself to get lost in the woods, I had decided to go walking since her house was pretty close to mine but while I was walking I heard some noises I got scared and like I normally do, I ran into the woods, and I was there lost with no service in the woods, my luck was truly the worst.

 I kept hearing this strange noise like somebody talking and groundling but every time I turned around I saw nothing but trees, so I decided to ignore it, but then I turned around and saw this wolf?, what there were not wolves in california, yeah thats what I thought, I started running and I heard the wolf chasing me.

Originally posted by the13thraven

 At this point I was scared as fuck, I had never been the fastest at running so obviously this wolf or whatever it was got its way to me and all I could think of is how I was going to die without telling Archie about my feelings and how I was never going to be able to watch that new Friends season with Reggie that was coming out soon, but those thoughts stopped when the wolf just bitted you and left, it was big and hurt like a son of a bitch, I started to feel unconscious and really sweaty, I didn’t know what was happening, I could barely walk and felt my breathing getting faster every moment, then everything turned black.


 I woke up the next morning, just where I was last night, in the woods, “So it wasn’t a nightmare” I told myself as I got up but everything hurt especially my abdomen, so I decided to look up and I saw this huge injury with blood everywhere, I was glad I wasn’t wearing a white shirt, since it was morning now there was no way i was getting lost, as i start to walk to the hospital thinking about how I was going to explain why was I so dirty with a bloody injury, by the time I got to the hospital, I saw this lady, she seem nice so I told her I needed help, once in the room, I lifted my shirt so she could cure my injury but what i saw had me on shook, THERE WAS NO INJURY, NO INJURY.

“It was here I swear”- I mumbled, but it was loud enough for her to heard, she gave me a confused look.

“What? What was there?”- she asked me, but I decided to not to mention anything she would probably think I was insane, so I decided to left.

“Nevermind, thank you anyways”- I didnt wait for her to answer and I left making my way home.

 I made my way back home, I didn’t have to worry about my parents since they left for a few days, as I got to my room, I checked the time on the clock, I still got time for school. When I was finally ready for school, I got into my car and drove to school, as I stopped at the red lights, I heard a phone ringing, I checked your phone. “Well that’s weird my phone is not the one ringing, and i don’t remember having another phone” I told myself, I decided to ignore it till I heard people talking and I looked everywhere. 

 “Bob i’m telling you, if you don’t get the eggs, i’m gonna b..” I saw this lady talking on the phone, a few meters away from me, it couldn’t be real, I was going crazy, I was so crazy. 

 When I finally got to school, I got to my locker and got my books for my first period, I heard Lydia and Allison talking as they came to me. 

 “Hey what happened to you last night?, we were waiting for you, you missed all the fun, Scott threw up all over the place” Allison said to me as she started  laughing with Lydia probably because the Scott thing. 

 “I.. um.. I needed to get some stuff done, I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it, but it sounds like it was a lot of fun” I said trying to sound calm, as my hands started to sweat a lot, this always happened when I got nervous, and I was, I was praying for Allison and Lydia not to notice my lie, I’ve always been a terrible liar. 

 The school bell ringed, saving me, as I left, I could heard others people heart, including mine beat and it was driving me crazy. As the class started, I walked to my seat and said a quick hi to Scott, Stiles and Malia, who happened to be in the same class as me, Mr. Harris was writing something on the board, I could heard the people whispering, people writing, people erasing, all the things I wasn’t supposed to heard, what the hell was going on with me. 

Originally posted by fornootherreasondave

 “Miss Y/L/N, is everything okay I see you a little bit distracted, are you not interested in my class?, if that’s the problem, then you are free to go” Mr. Harris  said, and I couldn’t focus on anything other than his heart beating, I started to feel paranoid, I could barely keep my eyes open, and my hands started to shake.

 “What?” I asked, I knew something was wrong with me, I felt like I was going to throw up so I decided to leave, that’s the best thing I could do. 

“I’m sorry, I..I have to go” I didn’t wait for him to answer and I grabbed my stuff and left almost running. I got out of the school, and started walking I don’t realize where, until I stopped and I saw myself in the woods, I started to feel the same way as yesterday, my breath going faster and faster, and once again I fell into the ground, whispering a “not a again” till I fainted in the woods.


Part 2?

The Green-Eyed Angel

Castiel x Reader
(Featuring Sam and Dean)
Word Count: 2,295

Description: Hey, I’ve told you but your writting is awesome. I have a request for you. Could you, please, write a fic with jealous!Cas because you’re behave diffrenetly with Dean. x

Warnings: jealous!cas, Dean being a tiny bit of a dick, that’s it really.

A/N: This was a request for @ironiccasifer - I hope I have captured what you wanted. 😊

***

Castiel had swept into your life quite unexpectedly, a handsome stranger who helped you out… and then turned out to be an angel. An actual, for-real angel.
It had taken a few power demonstrations and a quick flying trip to convince you he wasn’t just trying to get into your panties.

Not that him being an angel made much difference to your time together. You mostly just hung out drinking coffee (or wine depending on the hour) and watching films. You often had to explain the human quirks when he furrowed his brow and tilted his head in that adorable way; but other than that, he tried to be as human as possible.

He said it was nice to get away from the supernatural sometimes. To take a break from heaven and all it’s complexities. You told him you wanted to see that world but he only ever responded with ‘some day.’

He sat with you now on your couch. He sat too close as always, your shoulders touching. At first you thought it was his unawareness of social boundaries or cues.
But the way he glanced sideways at you now, you realised he just liked to be close to you.

It was nice. You wanted more, of course, but how could you even hit on an angel of the lord?

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Day 2: Love/Loyalty

“Father, the other kids in the class know I am your son. They think I cheated on the test. I promise I didn’t cheat.”

“I know, Erwin. Don’t pay attention to them.”

“Yes, sir.”

*****

“Father, the other kids wouldn’t let me play marbles with them today.”

“You can try again tomorrow.”

“You said that yesterday. Father, they are never going to let me play with them.”

“Then they aren’t worth the effort it takes to worry about it. They are just jealous, ignore them.”

*****

“Father, I’ve done a terrible thing.”

“Come now, Erwin. It can’t be that bad.”

“I told them, Father. About the walls. I didn’t mean to. I just got so angry. They were laughing at me again.”

“Erwin, it’s okay. It’s nothing.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

*****

“Father, you promised. You were wrong. They are taking me to the orphanage today. I miss you so much. I’m all alone now. I’ll visit when I can.”

*****

“Father, I was accepted into the cadets today. I’ll be going into the military. I’m going to join the Scouting Legion. I will prove your theories. They will see they executed an innocent man. I promise you, Father.”

*****

“Father I think I made a friend today. His name is Mike Zacharias. He doesn’t seem to mind that I’m not like everyone else. He’s large, probably the biggest man in our class, but I guess I am still small though. Having my first friend does make things a little more bearable.”

*****

“Father, I passed the 3DMG test. It is amazing! It feels like flying. It’s a freedom I’ve never experienced before. I’m still a little clumsy at landing, and not as graceful as some, but I’m getting better.”

*****

“Father, I met a girl. Her name is Marie. She’s beautiful. She’s a bar maid at the tavern we frequent. I think Nile likes her too, though. I think she is wanting to get married. I can’t give her that. I am going to join the Scouting Legion. Their survival rate is a little better than half. I cannot marry…ever. I will not leave behind a widow.”

*****

“Father, I graduated today. I was top of my class. Mike and I are going to join the Scouting Legion. Nile was going to go with us, but he asked Marie to marry him and she said yes. He’s joining the military police instead. Wish me luck, Father.”

*****

“Father, I’m sorry if I have been gone for a while. I didn’t know how to explain…

I made it through my first expedition. It was…oh god Father, it was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. The screaming, the smell, the blood…

I don’t know if I can do this. Please, give me the strength.”

*****

“Father, I met someone today who…how can I describe him? It’s almost as if he has wings! He was living in the Underground, a thug, but to watch him fly…

I recruited him. It’s a gamble. He was hired to kill me, but I think I can convince him to stay as a soldier. His name is Levi, and he’s amazing.”

*****

“Father, I think I’m in love. With Levi. Is that wrong? I can’t stop thinking-

Father, I have to go. They are saying that wall Maria has been destroyed by Titans!”

*****

“Father, the wall was destroyed. The refugees were sent to wall Rose. I have orders to gather a group of refugees and train them as soldiers in an effort to reclaim Maria. It won’t work. I’m sick because I know that this mission is a farce. These innocent people are going to die. They have to thin the population. There isn’t enough food…I don’t want to do this…

*****

“Father, I hope you’re proud of me. I’m the commander of the Scouting Legion now. We will take back what is ours.”

*****

“Father, I have news. There is a boy who can turn into a Titan and control it. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited this has made me. He said there are answers in his home in Shiganshina…

The bad news is that Wall Rose has been breached and gate is no longer functioning. I won’t be able to visit as often, I have so much work to do.”

*****

“Father, I…I really messed up. The Female Titan…she killed so many good soldiers…it was all my fault. I underestimated what these Titan shifters are capable of. Levi’s entire squad…he will never forgive me. I don’t deserve it.”

*****

“Father, I was almost court martialed today, but we were able to capture the Female Titan.”

*****

“Mike, my friend. I’m so sorry. I wish it had been me. I need you now, more than ever. I let you down. I’m sorry, so very sorry…

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry…”

*****

“Commander? It’s Armin. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I don’t think that I deserve to be here over you. I’ll try my best to deserve it.”

*****

“Commander. It’s Eren, Eren Jaeger. I just want to say thank you. You gave up so much to protect me. I’m sorry this happened. Thank you again.”

*****

“Hey asshole, it’s me. We made it to the ocean today. The water was the same blue as your eyes. It was shitty. It wasn’t right to be there without you. I hope you can forgive me for letting you die. Be glad I did. This thing is bigger than even you could have seen. I hope you’re resting. I wanted that for you…I just couldn’t turn you into one of those monsters. You deserve better. It’s just…I don’t know if I can do this without you anymore. I don’t want to. Erwin, you bastard, you left me, and I need you. I love…dammit, I love you, you fucker.

Rest well.”