“Although I made such a decision, there is absolutely no regret in my skating life. It is a big decision for me, but I take it as a milestone of my life. Moving forward, I will find my new dream and goal, I will keep smiling, and I will keep moving on.” #ThankYouMao
I wish you would look at me the way you used to.
I wish you would hold my hand and tell me that it was all just a bad dream.
I wish you would hold me tightly in your arms as I told you the story of what happened.
I wish you would gently press your lips to mine as assurance that it was only a nightmare.
I wish it would go back to the way it used to be.
You and me.
Me and you.
I wish you would love me the way I love you.
It’s not that I even love you anymore. I don’t feel the buzz in my fingers when I talk to you. There’s no humming in the veins that send the blood to my heart. Not anymore. I know that melancholy vibrates through my brain each time I think of the way I used to call you the love of my fucking life and nostalgia burns in my throat each time I think of the way you said I was your future, but I don’t love you anymore. You shattered every part of my heart and I- I gave you everything I could and it wasn’t enough. You don’t get to try to bandage the destruction you caused. You don’t get to compare yourself to every person I meet in the back of my head like a whispered promise that I’ll never find anyone like you. You don’t get to live in the fraction of a second when I kiss someone else and be the only thing I can think of. I hate that I wonder what you’re doing in that moment and I hate that all I want to know is if your heart burns like mine does. What I’m trying to tell you is that I’m not fucking in love with you anymore, but. But. God, do I remember when I was.
I’ll overthinking everything, and that’s not your fault. I’m wired that way. My brain makes me believe that everything & everyone is temporary, and though there is some truth to that, some people truly aren’t just “temporary.” It’ll take me a little bit to wrap my head around that. I don’t ever mean to offend you when I say some of the things I do, or when I try to push you away, that’s just a defense mechanism. Like a reflex, I guess. Something I always end up doing. I shouldn’t, I know. I will need reassurance. Tons of it. This goes back to the whole “everyone is temporary” thought I mentioned earlier. Everyone I think will stay eventually gets pushed away by all these little faults, and I know I need to get better, I know I shouldn’t think these things, and I know you’re not like everyone else in my past. I’m sorry, I will try to make myself understand that, but I need you to work with me. I need you to have patience. I need you to believe me when I tell you that the last thing I want in this world is for you to leave me. There will be great nights when I’m able to push all these thoughts out of my head, but these come along with terrible nights when I’ll be distant. I’ll wonder if I make you happy. I’ll wonder why you stay with me, because even though you say nothing is wrong, my brain convinces me that I’m not good enough. This is when I need you the most, though I’ll continue to act like everything is fine. It’s not. My mind is running a thousand miles per hour, filling my brain with doubts and fear of how it’ll be when you leave, or about how vulnerable I’m making myself, and the worst of them all, about how all this happiness & joy I’m feeling will just be temporary. I know I’ll push you away, and I know you’ll want to give up, but please don’t. I want this. I want us. I don’t want to believe any of these things, and I’ll need your help. Reassurance, patience & time - that’s what will help. I understand if you don’t want to go on with someone who needs all of this to feel that a relationship will be successful, and hell.. I can’t really blame you, but all that I ask is that you remember that I love you. I will always love you, and I will never give up on you.
Something I wish all those who date someone with anxiety would understand