Does anyone else wish they’d just dedicate a whole episode to Sam and Dean shopping for their disguises? How does it work exactly? Dean driving around, looking for a store in whatever random ass town they’re in, with a scowl, “What the hell does a social worker even wear?”
Sam shrugging, “I don’t know, man, cardigans?”
“Really, Sam? Cardigans? What am I, Mr. Rogers?”
“Kids like Mr. Rogers.”
“You liked Mr. Rogers,” Dean huffs, squinting as he looks for any sign of a store. “Where the fuck are we supposed to get cardigans?”
“How the hell should I know? Woolworths? Is that still a thing?”
Dean muttering as they walk around the mall, dodging teenagers, and trying to find anything that resembles a cardigan, “I’m too old for this bullshit.”
“Thank you for trusting me.” Alison practically whispers in Emily’s ear during their tight embrace. They hold each other a moment longer, neither girl really wanting the physical contact to end. So when the time comes to pull away Emily makes sure to grab the blondes hands, squeezing them tight as she brings them to her lap.
They stare at each other, really looking into each other’s eyes for the first time in weeks. Since Emily’s pseudoultimadum the two of them have been walking on eggshells around each other, not allowing themselves to get too lost in the other, keeping to short glances, avoiding too much eye contact. But now, neither Emily nor Alison could tear their eyes away.
Alison has a quick flashback to words she said to Pagie earlier, decribing the way Emily looks at her, much like she is right now. She can’t help but let out a small sighing laugh at the thought.
Emily interrupts her thoughts with a concerned, “What?”
It’s now or never Alison thinks.
She takes in a deep breath before starting,“That’s not all I’ve been figuring out today,”
Emily’s brow creases momentarily in confusion. Alison just continues,“You asked me to figure out what that kiss meant, and I know now.” She sees Emily’s eyes change from worry to a softness, she can tell Emily is trying not to show her eagerness for this conversation, she has been waiting weeks, no years of you really get to the start of it.
“I think I’ve always known, I’ve just been to afraid to admit it. I’ve never really known what a healthy loving relationship is like. My parents were cold and distant, not only to each other but to me and Jason as well.” Alison felt Emily lightly squeeze her hand at this, “We both know how I treated people when I was younger. And I’ve always thought I was unworthy of love because of how my family treated me, how I treated others, but when you look at me, for a moment I believe I’m wrong.” Her eye begin to well up with unshed tears, she takes a slow breath trying to keep them at bay, she had to get through this.
“You see the good in me, the person I can be, and all I want is to desperately be that person, for you. Instead I put walls up and push people away because it’s easier, it’s instinct.” Alison’s eye contact has been spoty at best during her explanation, but she makes sure to find the brunettes eyes every time she mention her specifically, for emphasis.
“Theres an insecurity in me tells me I’m not good enough for love, and especially not for you. And it’s that voice that’s keeping me from letting myself be happy. I’m afraid that one day you’ll realize I’m not enough and leave, and I don’t, no I KNOW I couldn’t handle that.” Emily opens her mouth to protest, but Alison cuts her off with a shake of her head, no, pleading with the brunnette to let her finish while she has the courage.
Alison stares intensely in Emily’s eyes for the next part, earning a tight squeeze if her hands from Emily, encouraging her to continue,“I know that I love you. And that thought terrifies me, because I feel like I can’t live up to the expectations of that person you think I am.”
The first tear finally falls, but Alison refuses to let it consume her, she pushes on. “But I’m sick of feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy. And I’m so tired of pushing you away. I need you more than I can explain, but if you give me a chance I’d like to try to show you.” She hangs her head, practicly whispering the next part, “And if it’s okay with you, I’d very much like to kiss you again.”
Alison waits Emily’s reaction, her head still down, her heart racing a mile a minute. She’s desperately fighting the tears that keep spilling down her face. The moment, and the silence feels like it drives on for an eternity. The feeling of Emily’s hands pulling away from hers starts a panic in her mind.
A hand finds its way to her face, Emily’s hand, she looks up and notices the brunette shifted moving to sit closer to her. Emily’s other hand grabs her other cheek. She searches Emily’s eyes for something, anything. It’s not until Emily’s lips meet her own that she closes her eyes, succumbing to the taste she’s been craving for weeks. She grabs hold of Emily’s hands which are still on either side of her face.
They kiss for what feels like the first time, losing themselves in each other. Hands gently exploring, pulling each other closer. There’s a need, a hunger, flowing between them.
When they finally part, Emily rests her forhead on the blondes eyes still shut, slowly catching her breath. Alison opens her eyes to find that familiar gaze, “I know I have more to figure out, and work through…”
Emily cuts her off this time, “we’ll do it together.” She leaned in a kissed Alison again, a short chaste kiss, “always together.” Emily pulled Alison into another embrace, shifting them so she was now the one leaning against the wall. Alison burried her head into Emily’s neck, breathing in her light perfume. For the first time in forever she felt at peace. She knew they had so much more to discuss, but knowing Emily is there for her and willing to give her a chance, Alison felt like she didn’t have to be so afraid.