wish i'd thought of it first

A Wish List for Carmilla Movie

As holidays approaching, I thought I’d list the things I wish to see in the movie 'cause it’s certainly one of my most expected projects to watch next year. There it goes:

1. Hollstein in a healthy relationship and staying as a solid couple for the whole movie.

2. Some sort of Hollstein sex scenes (and cute cuddles) in bed. 

3. Laura showing her abs. (How come we never get to see those killer abs in the series?)

4. Keep it light-hearted in general. No unnecessary angst. 

5. Tank tops and plaid shirts.

6. A wedding proposal.

A little tip for other dissociative peeps...

If you have just the worst sense of time, like I do, set a timer to go off at the intervals you need.

For example, I lost 3 hours today. I needed to shower later, but figured it’d happen again. So I set a timer for 20 minutes to avoid spacing out and running out of hot water. Worked like a charm.

…Boy, I wish I’d thought of this sooner though.

So I received this message. At first I thought it was some kind of joke so I looked for the name of the show on the Internet but it seems to exist. Then I just thought I couldn’t say yes to this, I mean, really, it’s not even well drawn and it was certainly never meant  to be shown to any of the actors of GoT, I just drew that for fun xD

But then I thought about it again (it’s been bothering me for hours xD) and I realized it was something that probably would never happen again in my life. Plus it’s an American show and America’s far away and they don’t know my real name anyways. And I would never actually see the show since I don’t have any American channel at home… So I kind of managed to convince myself xD And I said I was ok with them using my drawing… but I still don’t know if that actually was a good idea…but I’ve already send the answer so it’s too late…

Anyways, maybe it was just a joke after all and the picture will never appear on the show xD

4

On this day in history: Troye released the TFIOS MMXIV fan-made music video after having released the song to iTunes earlier. Troye had secretly put this video together with the help of some of his tumblr friends, unbeknownst to everyone that ended up in the video, and effectively killed us all. This was the first of many (arguably too many) surprises during the summer. And it was absolutely adorable.

(gif credit to thiswillbringuscloser)

So...Pedrazar.

I’ve been thinking a fair bit about it, and here’s my interpretation of the headspaces of each of the participants here.

BALTHAZAR

This highly-introverted, conflict-avoiding cinnamon roll has been dead gone on Peter “Pedro” Donaldson ever since he first laid eyes on him in Year 9. Of course, Balthazar’s fondest wish was to actually get together with Peter (hence the freakout around wanting Mullet Boy to come to his party), but as time went on and the hoped-for dating persisted in not happening (likely because Balthazar is so shy), Balthazar’s fear of actually confessing his feelings to Peter grew, even while those feelings themselves were also getting stronger and stronger, to the point where he is ABSOLUTELY UNWILLING to confess his feelings unless he gets a super-obvious signal (preferably an overt confession of requited feelings) from Peter first.

Through the years, while crushes for other boys may have come and gone (Damien in high school), the feelings for Peter have always, always been there, waiting. Despite Balthazar’s ruthless self-suppression, they even break out now and then (Ode to Pedro). 

And all this time, Balthazar has watched as Peter has sort-of maybe seemed like he might return those feelings…and yet, every time, it has come to nothing. It was always Peter teasing or being clueless, or so it seemed to Balthazar. Whenever his love has seemed especially hopeless and/or hard to bear, he freaks out and turns away from Peter (Damien rehash), but at the moment, he’s back in that familiar limbo where he loves Peter, he will take any chance he can get to be in Peter’s company, he will always think of Peter first and do lovely, thoughtful things for Peter…but he has, in his own head, absolutely no hope of actually being the object of Peter’s affection. 

This is why it sometimes seems like Balthazar’s trying to dissuade Peter even though he wants him so badly. For example, when he said that Peter didn’t have to wait around an hour for him to get off work just so they can walk home together. He doesn’t actually believe Peter could think of him that way, and knows that his heart’s going to be broken (AGAIN) if he walks home with Peter and it’s just platonic. And yet, when Peter persists, he can’t help saying yes.

Balthazar is desperately conflicted. He hopes for Peter’s love, but despairs of ever getting it. He craves Peter’s company, but simultaneously dreads it. He wants to scream (sing) to the world about his love for Peter, but at the same time never wants anyone to know about it. It’s not a good place to be. (Running Mad and Cloud Control speak to this quite a bit, I think).

PETER

Peter’s had an epiphany about his sexuality in the last year or so. He also realized that he had feelings for Balthazar, but he’s been suppressing them, partly because he wanted to fully explore this new dimension of himself, but mostly because he has such a sense of self-loathing from his actions last year. He sees himself as not being worthy of Balthazar, and suspects that Balthazar still judges him negatively due to his actions during senior year (”Men have always been deceivers”).

Remember that Peter has also been rejected humiliatingly in the past (Bea), and so he’s very reluctant to put himself out there again. And here, he gets no reassuring go-ahead signals because Balthazar keeps his cards so close to his chest. I suspect that Peter also finds Balthazar’s passivity a bit irritating because he himself is so outgoing. So subconsciously, he harbours resentment towards Balthazar both for the fact that they’re not together, and because he can’t bring himself to tell Balthazar about his feelings.

So what does Peter do? He drinks heavily and sleeps around. He channels his unrequited love, his rage at himself, his newly-discovered interest in dudes, his newfound adult freedom, and his anger at Balthazar, all of it, into the alcohol-overconsumption and series of one-night stands that was driving his flatmates so mad at the beginning of the series. Of course, from Peter’s point of view, this is great fun and very liberating (”My head has never been so sorted!”), but it hasn’t solved his underlying problems.

However! Now that he has the ‘no romantic shenanigans’ and ‘curfew’ rules preventing himself from using casual sex and drunkenness as a way to avoid his feelings, he has nothing to stop him from being drawn back to Balthazar all over again. Despite himself, Peter is trying, once again, to get closer to Balthazar, whether it be by asking Balthazar out to town for the weekend or to share a coffee, thinking primarily of Balthazar’s welfare when coming up with a punishment, sharing the hummus pain with Balthazar, or, most recently, going out of his way to hang out alone with Balthazar after they both get off shifts at work.

WHAT ABOUT KIT?

I’m not convinced that Balthazar and Kit were really all that serious about dating. It’s Ben and Freds who were convinced that there was something going on there. But I got absolutely zero chemistry coming off of the Balthazar/Kit pairing, and remember also: Kit indicated that he knows about Peter and at least some part of his significance to Balthazar (”Peter Peter Peter?!?”). So I’m guessing that Kit realizes that Balthazar isn’t really ready for dating anyone else, since the guy he’s still holding a massive torch for is one of his roommates. I suspect that Kit’s being smart and just staying friends with Balth.

OF COURSE I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG

Naturally, there’s a ton of information that we could be missing, because we’re only privy to a) what’s seen on the videos, and b) what Ben knows about the situation which he can pass on to the viewers. So it may be that there are a bunch of in-world conversations/arguments that Peter and Balthy have had which we simply don’t know about. Perhaps it’s even possible that they did get together earlier in the year, unbeknownst to Ben, and then broke up…but personally, I doubt it. However, I do suspect that there are more reasons for their current state of angst about each other than the audience is aware of.

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

I’m not sure whether Pedrazar is going to happen at the end of this series or not. On the one hand (spoiler!), “Love’s Labour’s Lost” is the Shakespeare play where ships go to die. On the other hand, the ships that die are the ones between the men of Navarre (i.e. the flatmates) and the women of Aquitaine (i.e. people living outside the flat), so maybe that means Pedrazar can canonically happen (in TCW’s eyes) during this series? I don’t know.

What do you think?