perfect is easily one of the most romantic ballads since thinking out loud and ed has even said that he views it an outperformance in comparison to thinking out loud, which is interesting in this context considering how relevant thinking out loud is to everyone who remembers what happened at the 2015 brit awards. it was quite an iconic moment and it’s something people still talk about, so it’s especially intriguing that the song perfect is directly connected to it and treated as somewhat of a sequel
it also happens to describe dan and phil’s history together from past to present very accurately
honestly, i don’t listen to ed sheeran’s music regularly and although the lyrics aren’t the deepest or the most unconventional, i’ve been itching to write down some thoughts
Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
we’ll start right off with the first four lines in verse 1, which i believe are being sung from phil’s perspective (however, the perspectives are subjective and can change throughout the song) these lyrics mirror the start of dan and phil’s relationship. phil was generally more mature when him and dan first started talking, age wise and experience wise. phil could’ve technically been considered an adult while dan was still very young and inexperienced, hence why “Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead” is so fitting here. dan and phil were both very quick to love and didn’t think so much about the consequences of their decision to trust each other so quickly. phil quite literally invited dan to dive right in and follow his lead, professionally and personally. the last line can be used to describe just how unexpected it must’ve been for phil when dan came along. early on, dan’s main priority was waiting. waiting for phil’s responses on twitter. waiting for phil’s dm’s. waiting for phil’s texts. waiting for those 5 hour skype calls with phil. waiting to meet phil. only until later on did phil realize that dan was the someone for him
‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes, you’re holding mine
in the second half of verse 1, the first two lines once again touch on dan and phil’s maturity levels when they first met, referring to them as kids. they behaved as kids would, acting silly and goofy with each other and relishing in each other’s youth, savoring the honeymoon stage as much as they could. but with being a kid comes immaturity, and that side of them showed through some of their reckless behavior. they treaded on thin ice while not knowing what was beneath it as boundaries or limits really didn’t exist for them in the early days of their relationship
Baby, I’m dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight
this is where the tenses change and the song switches its focus on what is happening in the present, unlike the two verses in the song which seem to be reminiscing on the early days of a relationship. the first two lines of the chorus describe the bond that dan and phil have now and the moments that they share together. dancing in the dark in each other’s arms and listening to their favorite song implies that it could be a song that holds a special meaning for both of them specifically or a song that they are both able to connect to and enjoy together as best friends/lovers/etc because it reminds them of each other. the plural pronoun choice in that second line is accurate considering dan and phil share pretty much everything
Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I’ll share her home
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets
To carry love, to carry children of our own
the second line in this verse is probably the most important lines because the song directs its focus away from the present and jumps directly backwards into the past, treating the chorus almost like it was was a mere glimpse into the future. dan and phil quite literally shared each other’s dreams back in 2009, phil was a youtuber and dan was an aspiring one. and although they had no idea whether or not youtube would’ve become as massive of a platform as it is now, dan and phil still shared a lot of goals and also supported each other’s individual goals that the other might not have shared with them. so yes, technically they were still sharing each other’s dreams merely through mutual support regardless of whether or not both of them had those same exact dreams in mind. “I hope that someday I’ll share her home” is such a meaningful lyric because dan and phil never had any idea that they would’ve ever had the opportunity to move in with each other and change millions of people’s lives together. all they could hold onto at the time was hope. but that hope was so worth holding onto because now they’ve been sharing each other’s home for over 7 years, literally and metaphorically
the last two lines are pretty self explanatory. dan and phil know more about each other than anyone else does and some of the things that they feel comfortable sharing with each other are things that they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. aside from secrets, they carry each other’s love, and even though they can’t literally “carry children,” they have created a family together. the meaning of family in this context is subjective, whether you want to consider it a family solely between the two of them or the family that they’ve made with their audience
We are still kids, but we’re so in love
Fighting against all odds
I know we’ll be alright this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I’ll be your man
I see my future in your eyes
once again there’s another tense shift. the lyrics are insinuating that the present relationship still has much room for growth but has remained very genuine, which is also true in dan and phil’s case because they are visibly growing with each day that passes. they are growing professionally and personally and the amount of that growth, even just recently, has been astronomical. they see their futures intertwined and they truly are so in love
as for that second line, read it and really let it sink in… “Fighting against all odds.” if dan and phil have done anything in their goddamn lives, it’s fighting all goddamn odds. the odds of phil’s replies to dan on twitter leading to dm’s, the odds of those dm’s leading to 5 hour skype calls, the odds of those skype calls eventually leading dan to buy a train ticket to piccadilly station and actually meet up with this man whom he had met online, the odds of them taking the biggest risk of their professional lives and moving in together in the heart of london so they could pursue a radio show that they had no idea would either pay off or go down in flames, the odds of them actually creating this life together, helping each other through their sudden rise to fame? the odds of them actually having the opportunity to create such a unique community and change people’s lives for the better? what dan and phil have is not what society would deem conventional, but they have beat every normative agenda out there and have literally defied all odds. there were so many potential setbacks… there were so many things that could’ve gone wrong… but they didn’t.
Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful
I don’t deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight
Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don’t deserve this
You look perfect tonight
these last two choruses are very similar to chorus 1 with a few minor lyrical changes
chorus 3 is a lot more confident and hopeful of the future, much like dan and phil seem to be at this current point in time. the view that they have of their future seems to be filled with such good things, like moving and adopting a dog and whatever other “life things” they might have in mind. but i think the most important thing to consider here is that their futures are so tightly bound to each other, and they have nothing but tremendous faith in each other. whatever their futures may hold, it holds them together
now end this analysis with a visual of dan and phil curled up together in phil’s bed, reminiscing on how all of this happened and just how lucky they are to have ended up in this current moment with each other
i’m not saying anything but… perfect is the perfect song for them
in burn and bloom what would've happened if phils father was still alive?? like plot wise n stuff also feely wise. and what would he think of everyone else?? sorry im reading bab for the umpteenth time and ive always wondered
oh man :(( in the original outline i didn’t have his father be dead but i changed it bc i thought it really added to the story. basically though it would’ve been a happy reunion, he’d probably be suspicious of dan for phil’s sake but grow to love him, etc. etc. i wouldn’t have wanted to keep an adult in the group though so if he’d lived it would’ve been like “hey! nice to see you again after all these years! i’m gonna go be somewhere else maybe helping with a revolution or lying low anyway get back to your story about falling in love bye!!”
Phil have been through a lot since 2009. Things haven’t been perfect, but Phil
couldn’t ask for a better life to live. This was the most fun he has ever had.
A/N: Hey everyone! This is my first phanfic…I plan on making it into a 10 part saga type thing, so please give me a read and let me know!
Part 1 of 10
This was the most fun I have ever had.
Phil was never sure why, but
the sound of those words made the twenty-two year old male’s heart flutter with
happiness. Maybe because he was the reason Dan Howell was having a great time?
He, out of everyone in the world, was
giving Dan the time of his life.
Dan was definitely not the
happiest person in the world. It was hard to even crack a little smile out of
his face when he was even slightly upset. Constantly filled with negative
thoughts, anxiety, and he was so, so fearful of the future and of the world in
general. It killed Phil knowing how damaged Dan really was, and how he felt.
How this eighteen year old pushes his brain over the edge most of the time
while thinking, causing migraines for the next few days. Phil knew that Dan’s
thoughts consumed him, and he was never able to control them or prevent them in
anyway. He just simply didn’t know how. His thoughts were like tidal waves,
engulfing the brown haired boy’s mind into endless thinking and scary thoughts,
drowning in his brain until he passes out from exhaustion. It was always like
that, until Phil showed up in his life, at least.
Phil knew that Dan needed
him, and he knew that he helped Dan in ways no one else could ever help him.
Phil just always knew what to say somehow. He always knew what to do in a
situation, even though the two boys were two hundred miles apart from each
other all the time until now. But, Phil needed Dan just as much as Dan needed Phil.
He has had his own problems, his own anxiety and his own needs that somehow
only Dan can fix after a conversation. He’s never had that in his life. Loneliness
has always been a friend of Phil’s, until now.
Dan had saved Phil’s life.
In the few seconds it took
Dan to say those words, Phil’s heart took over his brain, and he tackled his best
friend to the floor behind him. Dan laughed of course, accepting Phil’s
embrace. Once the two boys had said goodbye to their future audience, and
turned off the camera, that was it. That was their first ever video together,
and they couldn’t have been more excited. This was the first ever Dan and Phil
video. Phil wasn’t sure why, but he had a feeling this video would mean so much
to so many more people in the future, other than him and his llama loving friend.
“So, I was thinking we
could name the video Q&A With Dan or something. You know, keep it simple, I
guess,” Phil said, getting up and grabbing towels from the bathroom, and a
cup of water to remove the black sharpie cat whiskers from he and his friend’s
“Are you kidding? How
original and boring is that. This is the first Phil and Dan video for fucks
sake! It has to be big!” Dan exclaimed, a smile plastered on his face,
taking a white towel from Phil’s pale hand and he smiled at Dan’s excitement.
Phil sat for a second, trying
to think of a name for this big video that meant so much to the two boys. Who
knew when the next time they were able to record together was? Come on Phil, he thought, you’re the expert at title names. His
mind was blank, and he sat in disappointment dipping his towel into the Orlando
Studios cup that reads ‘Phil’ in
black lettering above the palm trees.
“Um…Dan and Phil’s
Q&A…?” he said quietly.
“Amazing Dan…Dan and
Phil Are Not On Fire…that’s it! Phil Is Not On Fire! It’s perfect!”
Phil smiled at his friend,
rubbing the white cloth onto his nose, taking off the already smudged cat nose
he had drawn on his face.
“I love it,” Phil
He looked at Dan as he took
off the black smudged marker, and he couldn’t help but notice how perfect he
looked. His brown hair fell perfectly over his shy eyes, and they seemed to
sparkle with life. Phil still couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Dan
Howell was real, and he was sitting right here in his bedroom breathing the
same air as Phil. He could touch him, he could hug him and hold him. He was
more than just thousands of colorful pixels through a shitty webcam. He thought
Dan was beautiful through a computer screen, but he was completely flawless in
person and Phil couldn’t get over it. He was still in awe even though Dan had
been here the past few days.
“Are you okay? You’ve
been starring at me for two minutes now,” Dan laughed, and looked back at
Phil. He felt his face flush a dark red, and he laughed shaking his head.
“I was just thinking how
your hair would look prettier darker. I’ve said it before, you should get like
a darker brown or something…” Phil said looking down at the cup of water
and began wiping roughly at the whiskers, trying to make the blush look like it
was really from the rough cloth fabric against his skin.
“Right…” he heard
Dan scoff, “well, I still think you should cut your hair short. But we
both know that won’t happen.”
Phil laughed, and shook his
“Probably not…I like
my long hair.”
Phil wanted to die, he was so
awkward. He tried his best to not let his emotions get the best of him, but he
couldn’t help himself.
Okay, so he probably had a crush on Dan. He kind of
always has. Months back when he saw Dan liking and commenting on every one of
his posts constantly, he got curious and started to stalk his Twitter account
for a bit. He thought Dan was attractive, he had a really good taste in music,
and even liked Crash Bandicoot. Basically everything Phil looked for in a
person friendship wise and romantic wise. He was just an interesting person
that caught his eye. Though, Phil didn’t actually know him. It was just
infatuation. Then Dan messaged him, and everything just changed. They
constantly talked, and only stopped when one of them were tired. This became an
everyday thing just before they started Skypeing everyday. Well, isn’t that
what best friends do? Maybe, but with Dan and Phil, there was more. There
He and Dan always flirted,
but he wasn’t sure if Dan knew that he actually
really liked him and when he flirted he actually meant it. He was able to
somewhat hid it over a screen, but in person? He couldn’t handle it. He just
wanted to engulf the boy in love. Phil wanted to tell him, he always wanted to.
He just didn’t know where and how. He just knew that it had to happen soon, he
couldn’t contain himself anymore.
Phil looked at the clock once
the two removed the cat whiskers from their nose and face. It was 22:04, and
there was still so much they wanted to do together. His parents weren’t home,
so they could do just about anything. So, they stayed up until three in the
morning blasting Muse and playing Mario Kart, which was one of Dan’s favorite
video games. He was basically an expert, and could beat anyone at it. Phil
wasn’t that good at it to begin with, and Dan always teased him when they would
play together online. But Phil didn’t mind, whatever made Dan happy he would be
willing do. It was always like that.
“You’re so terrible,”
Dan laughed, looking at Phil as he was sitting on the other side of the couch.
Phil rolled his eyes, fixing his black fringe which blocked his vision.
“Oh shut up, put in DDR
and I’ll slay your ass,” Phil looked at Dan, smirking a bit kicking his
“You’re going to slay my ass?”
Dan asked, turning to Phil and smiled, laughing at the statement that just
seemed so funny to him.
“All you have to do is
ask,” Phil winked, causing Dan to blush and look away back at the screen.
See, there was the flirting
they always did. It always left Dan a blushing mess, which Phil found cuter
than anything which made Phil a blushing mess as well. Phil laughed, sticking
his tongue out a bit. It was always a habit of his, he thought it was weird but
Dan had said he liked it, which was all that mattered to him.
The pause menu popped up
without Phil knowing, and he immediately looked over at Dan. He rubbed his
“You look tired. I want
to walk around a bit in Manchester
with you tomorrow and show you around. We should probably call it a night,”
Phil suggested, looking over at Dan who was just about a few inches away from
him now, since he had scooted closer to Phil, probably to lay on him.
“Yeah, I’m cool with
that. But tomorrow is my last full day here…I don’t want to leave…I’m going
to miss you…” Dan said quietly, looking down at his hands.
Phil smiled softly, and
placed his head on top of Dan’s for a second. He was only resting his head on
him, like he had done before, but he felt butterflies in his stomach and the
electricity shot through his body.
“I’m going to miss you,
too. But hey, we’ll be seeing each other again soon enough.”
Once they had turned off the
music and the video game, they walked to Phil’s room turning off all of the
lights in the house, joking about the time Phil was home alone, and was nervous
turning all of the lights off because he was afraid of something attacking him
after watching a horror film. It was childish, but Phil knew with every bone in
his body that he was childish, but in a good way, and he was proud of that.
They laid on Phil’s bed, under
the blue and green duvet, cuddling like they’ve always wanted to and like they
did last night and the nights before. Even though the two boys hadn’t expressed
any feelings for each other, they still cuddled and stayed close to one
another. This made Phil almost die of happiness again, almost like he did last
night. He loved the way their bodies fit together. It was just perfect to Phil,
it was everything he’s ever wanted since he’s known Dan. He laid on Phil’s
chest with his eyes closed, listening to the fast rhythm of his nervous heart
beat. Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s chocolate colored hair, studying the
pattern of the ceiling above him. He never noticed how complex the pattering
was. Each line was somehow connected, like branches off of a tree, or veins in
No matter how far away the
lines were from each other, even two lines across the room from each other,
they were still connected. Even if distance was between them.
Phil woke up from what felt
like the second best sleep of his life. The first was taken up from the first
morning, when he woke up and found Dan still in his arms after thinking it was
all a good dream that he would tell him about when he woke up and Skyped him.
But that wasn’t the case. Dan was here, he was real, and he was laying on the
side of him in his arms sound asleep. Phil almost cried when he remembered
tonight would be the last night he’d be falling asleep with Dan for a while,
until they meet again.
Phil looked down at him, and
smiled tiredly. Dan had his arms wrapped around Phil’s torso, and he kept his
head on his chest the whole night, listening to his heart beat which had calmed
down through the night. He looked so peaceful, and so handsome. Phil placed his
head back down on his pillow, resting his chin on the smaller boys head as he
ran his fingers through the brown hair below him. He closed his eyes, and held
Dan close. He never wanted to let go, ever. Dan was like his life source, and
if Phil let go he would die instantly.
Phil started to hum a song
from the Final Fantasy soundtrack, which both he and Dan loved. Interrupted By Fireworks was his
absolute favorite. It was one of the few songs without lyrics Phil actually
As he hummed, his mind
trailed away in a day dream. What would their day be like? Phil was taking Dan
out into town today, how could he not think of where he was going to take him?
It was almost like an unofficial date, even though they weren’t dating. He
definitely wanted to show Dan the Manchester Eye, that was for sure. Phil loved
the Eye, it was his favorite part about the city. He had always talked about going
with Dan, but neither of them actually thought it would happen. It made Phil
want to explode knowing he’d finally get to take Dan up.
thought, I feel like a fangirl.
He heard Dan start to wake
up, and Phil opened his eyes to see him. Dan’s eyes opened tiredly, revealing
the brown that was hidden before. Phil smiled, moving the long brown hair out
of the younger boy’s eyes and face so he could get a better view of him.
Phil said softly, keeping his arm around Dan’s shoulders.
“I don’t want to wake up
yet, let me sleep more,” Dan mumbled, shoving his head back into Phil’s
bare chest and covering his face. Phil blushed, shaking his head.
“You can’t sleep more. I
want to go out and we can do breakfast and walk around a bit. I want to take
you to see the Eye, remember? You said we could do that your last full day
here…” Phil said, his voice trailing off. He really didn’t want Dan to leave.
“I know what I
said,” Dan groaned tiredly, his voice muffled by Phil’s chest. “What
time is it?”
“You’re really going to
make me move and get my phone?”
“Oh, so we can get up
and out of bed to fucking walk around Manchester
but you can move three inches to get your phone because you’re
comfortable?” Dan joked looked up at Phil, beginning to rub the sleep out
of his eyes. Phil laughed, shrugging.
“Meh, good point,”
Phil said, turning slightly so he didn’t lose his total position. He unplugged
his phone quickly from the charger on the side of him and turned back to Dan,
laying his head back onto his. “It’s 10:30, we should probably get up and
start getting ready.”
And with that, the two boys
detached from each other after about five more minutes of cuddling, and sat up.
Phil felt cold now, and he sighed as Dan got out of the bed to use the bathroom
quickly. Phil face-planted into the pillow Dan had used, and it smelt like Lynx,
one of Dan’s favorite colognes. Phil usually didn’t like that particular smell,
but for some reason he could tolerate it right now. Probably because it was
Dan, and whatever reminded Phil of him, he liked.
After a few seconds, he got
out of bed and looked through his drawers to find what he would wear. He picked
out his light green plaid shirt, and some normal black skinny jeans. After he
changed, Phil sat in front of his small mirror and plugged in his flatiron. As
he waited for it to heat up, he brushed his black hair as it stuck up in almost
every direction. He heard groaning from the bathroom.
“Dan? Are you
okay…?” Phil blushed, looking in the direction of the bathroom.
“Yeah. I just can’t
figure out this damn shower,” he heard Dan complain, making Phil chuckle.
He walked over to the door, standing next to it.
“I’ll show you, I’m
coming in so you better cover yourself if you need to, I don’t need to see
anything I don’t want to,” Phil laughed, opening the door slightly, slowly
pushing it open to give Dan enough time.
Phil tried not to blush at
the sight of seeing Dan in just a towel, he just tried focusing on the shower.
He had seen Dan shirtless before, and he had even seen Dan change his clothes
over Skype. But just like with everything else, being with Dan in person made
everything more heated and intimidating, making Phil’s nerves set off even
though it was fairly easy to set off his anxiety.
“You pull the handle out
then turn it, it says it right there, you dork,” Phil laughed, poking his
tongue out of his mouth while making room for Dan to see what he was doing.
“I didn’t see it, you
spoon,” Dan blushed, pouting a bit while pushing Phil lightly.
“Well, someone’s a
grumpy Bear this morning,” Phil smirked, making Dan’s face heat up some
more. Dan rolled his eyes, leading Phil to the doorway.
“Get out of here, you
weirdo. I need to shower,” Dan said, and Phil smiled at Dan’s touch on his
back. “I need to use your flatiron after, though, so don’t put it
“Aw, but I love your
Hobbit Hair,” Phil flashed a smile at Dan once he was out the door, which
caused Dan to roll his eyes in embarrassment and shut the door.
When Phil finished straightening
his hair, he placed the flatiron in a high place where Dan wouldn’t be able due
to him being shorter. The door opened, and Dan came out dressed in a grey shirt
and black skinny jeans with his hair curled. He tried not to stare too much,
and started to search through his wallet to see how much money he had for the
day. He had enough to pay for breakfast and the tickets up the Manchester Eye
for the both of them, which made him happy. He knew Dan wouldn’t want him to pay
for him, but he honestly didn’t care.
“Are you ready to
go?” Phil asked, standing up and smiling at Dan. He raised an eyebrow, and
shook his head.
“Phil, I said leave the it
out. I’m not going out with my hair curly, I hate it,” Dan said, trying to
flatten his hair as much as possible.
“Aw, come on, Dan! You
look fine, okay? You’re hair looks nice curly. And its going to end up raining,
“That’s what hoods are
for,” Dan said starting to look
around for the iron. “And it’s not suppose to rain.”
Phil smiled a bit, and sat
down on his bed watching him. Dan walked around curiously, soon enough getting
frustrated knowing that Phil had hidden it to keep him from straightening his
“Phil! Are you fucking
Phil laughed when Dan had
noticed that the flatiron was on top of Phil’s dresser where he couldn’t reach
it. He laughed even harder when Dan started jumping for it when he knew Phil
wouldn’t help him reach it. He loved that Dan was a whole head shorter than
him, he found it adorable and always teased him about it. Dan groaned in
frustration, and looked around for something to stand on. A smirk came across
Dan’s face as he rolled Phil’s computer chair over, and set it up at a position
he was able to reach and grab the object he desperately needed. Phil jumped up
immediately, he was pushing the chair out of the way and grabbed the flatiron
faster than what Dan was able to process. He did it all in a flash, before Dan
was even able to lift a foot off of the ground.
“Don’t stand on that! I
don’t want you to fall off and get hurt! Here, just straighten your hair quick
so we can go get breakfast,” Phil said in a panic and his eyes filled with
worry, handing it to him.
“Sorry, my name isn’t
Phil. I’m not a giant klutz,” Dan teased, and Phil gave him a knowing look
making his smile disappear.
“I just don’t want you
to get hurt, is all,” Phil said, but he didn’t want to make this a big
deal. “And who knows, maybe my clumsiness will start wearing off on
Dan laughed, shaking his head
as he plugged it in and waited for it to heat up. “If your clumsiness rubs
off on me then we’re going to end up dying together.”
“I think I’m okay with
that,” Phil mumbled to himself, and blushed.
Was he making it too obvious?
Once Dan had gotten rid of
his Hobbit Hair and styled it back to his emo fringe, the two of them set out
to find a good place to have breakfast, or at least brunch since they had
stayed in all morning cuddling. As they walked the streets on Manchester, Dan looked around amazed at all
the new sights Phil had only mentioned briefly. He never thought he would
actually see it in person, never mind have Phil standing and walking beside him.
Phil laughed to himself
seeing Dan look around in awe, and decided to find the nearest Starbucks. He
knew that one was only down the road, and Phil had always gone around telling
Dan that Northern Starbucks were better then
any Southern one Dan had ever gone to. So, why not prove it to him?
The both of them had ordered
a caramel macchiato, which were their favorites, and sat down on the green sofa
that was in the corner of the room far away from as much people possible after
Dan had lectured Phil about he could pay for himself. He eventually figured out
that Phil didn’t care, and he would pay for him anyway. He looked down at his cup
as he removed the lid, and smiled at designed lion in the brown caramel color
that reminded him of Dan’s hair.
“Look! He came out so
cute, oh my god!” Phil beamed, carefully pointing his cup at Dan to show
off his fancy lion design. “I’m going to name him Winston.”
“What is up with you and
that name,” Dan laughed shaking his head, taking a sip from his warm drink
ruining his llama design that he didn’t care much about.
Phil shrugged, he didn’t
really know. He just liked the name.
“I’ll upload the video
when we get back to my house. I can’t wait to see what my followers have to
say…I feel like I haven’t uploaded enough,” Phil looked outside the
window, at all of the bricked buildings blocking his sites.
He wished that the Starbucks
wasn’t placed in such a terrible area, he loved the view of Manchester. It was his favorite. But the red
blocks stood in his way, making the outdoors look plain and sad. Phil didn’t go
outside much, he preferred the indoors where he could feel safe and be himself
alone. The outdoors were always too crowded full of people, and they always
gave him weird looks. It was his absolute nightmare.
“Very true, you haven’t
uploaded in so long.”
“Dan, it’s been two
“That’s a long time to
go without seeing your face,” Dan said smiling, which made Phil laugh as
he tried to hide the blush.
Oh, for fucks sake. He
couldn’t handle this anymore. Dan made this all too god damn difficult…or was
he trying to make things easier? That set Phil’s thought skyrocketing, and he
didn’t even want to think anymore.
He’d basically been flirting
with him all weekend, and Dan seemed to have not told him to stop. He never
tells Phil to stop flirting, really. And that seems to be all he does. But what
if he thought it was a joke? That he wasn’t actually
flirting with him? It’s just the norm for them, after all. It’s almost like a
daily routine. Dan makes a joke, Phil finds a way to make it flirty and geeky,
and both of them end up a blushing disaster, and it ends in laughter. He
probably thinks he’s joking…but what if he didn’t? What if he saw through
that? What if Dan Howell actually
returned his feelings? He couldn’t handle this.
Phil cuddled into his sweatshirt
more, making it seem like he was cold even though he was really burning up. He had
only had only been in two relationships his whole life and he had no idea what
the hell he was doing. The girl he dated her for only about a week before left
him for one of his friends. He had a boyfriend in high school, and even though
Phil was the one who took control a lot, he still had no idea how to
relationship. So there he sat, just sitting there in his sweatshirt, sipping
his lion designed macchiato a red mess. Was it the heat in the building? His
blushing? He didn’t know the cause anymore, he just knew he wanted to feel cold
After having a deep
conversation about Final Fantasy, the two boys decided it was about time to
start Dan’s small tour of Manchester.
But Phil had to cut it short, since it was cold and Dan wanted to go back to the
house as soon as possible. He didn’t mind that much, there was always the
spring time when the weather was slightly warmer.
When they walked out of the
heated building, the cold air felt refreshing on Phil’s face, and he felt more
at ease. He walked closely to Dan, pointing to different sceneries and
buildings he had only heard about briefly over Skype calls. Phil explained all
of the small details he had learned in primary school, which he was sure Dan
wasn’t interested in and only really paid attention to what he could see. But
that didn’t bother him, he just loved seeing the way Dan’s face brighten up
when Phil had told him what something was, and he’d exclaim how he remembered
him talking about it over call. The sky was dark and cloudy, but Phil hadn’t even
noticed. As cheesy as it sounds, it was almost like Dan was lighting up the
cloudy skies and he didn’t even need the sun to be out.
Phil stopped when he saw it
in the distance, and he felt his heart skip a beat. Seeing the carts spin in
circles, just like his mind. He was going to do it. Right there, in one of
those carts at the top. He had to, if he didn’t he wouldn’t ever have the
courage to. Dan would leave, and Phil wouldn’t be able to stand being away from
him knowing that he didn’t know. He took a deep breath, and forced a smile on
his face. He turned to his left to face Dan, who suddenly wasn’t by his side
anymore. His smile turned into a frown, and searched the area with his eyes.
Phil heard the sound of a
guitar, and turned to face the music which strummed a familiar song. His smile
appeared again when he saw in the very back of the small crowd, a tall brown
haired boy dressed in grey tapping his foot along to the song playing.
Phil walked over, and saw two
younger people putting on a performance. They had a small black fedora in front
of them, which had some money in it. The two looked about sixteen, two years
younger than Dan. Sometimes Phil wondered why Dan would want to hang out with
him, Phil was four years older than him…wouldn’t he want to hang out with
someone younger? Though both Dan and Phil were twelve at heart, Phil ever
wondered if Dan thought he was too old for him…that was why Phil also thought
it might be wrong to show his fondness to Dan. Would he think it’s weird? A
twenty two year old with an eighteen year old? Great, now Phil was feeling
self-conscious about his age…
The girl was playing the dark
brown guitar, and she kept constantly moving her long blonde hair out of her
face so she could see where she was strumming. She seemed to know what she was
doing regardless of her hair situation. Phil was amazed by her talent, he could
never play the guitar even if he tried. It was like his hands never wanted to
work with him, he was terrible with instruments. The boy with short brown hair
was the one singing, and he reminded Phil a lot of his friend PJ who he had met
last year except the boy was shorter. His voice was perfect for the song he was
singing, which was Hey There Delilah. He was guessing the two musicians where a
couple from seeing the way they looked at each other and even played together.
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise
I’m by your side
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Phil looked down at Dan, and
took in his features. He noticed he did this a lot, but that was okay with him.
Dan was probably the most gorgeous human being possible, and there was no way
Phil wasn’t going to take advantage of that before he had left. The sun shining
through the clouds made their way onto him, making his light skin look even
lighter and his dark hair look more brown. His usually tired eyes were filled
with joy and light, and Phil had never really seen them like that until this
weekend he had spent with him. He remembered when they had first saw each other
at the train station, and how both of them had cried because it was about time
they met each other after months of talking, and holy shit they were actually real and meeting in person and not
over Skype. Dan’s smile was small, but bright and his dimples were soon
creasing into his freckled cheeks. One of his favorite things about Dan were
his dimples, and how his freckles made little shapes out of them.
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
“Phil, do you want to
head to the Wheel? It’s right around the corner, and I know you’re just dying
to take me on it,” Dan had broken Phil out of his trance, and his smile
widened when he caught Phil already starring at him.
Delilah, I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
“Yeah! Let’s go,”
Phil blushed, and grabbed Dan’s hand. He heard Dan’s contagious laugh as Phil
pulled him along the crowd, which made him laugh as well. It was one of his
The whole crowd was just a
giant blur to Phil at the moment. He didn’t care about the people around him,
he didn’t care that the clouds blocked the sun, and he didn’t care if people
looked strangely at Dan and him. The only thing he did care about at that
moment, was Dan himself, and just getting to the top of that Wheel.
The line wasn’t long, and
Phil was excited at the idea. But he couldn’t help that small bit of anxiety
yelling at him, telling him he was making a mistake and all he was going to do
The cart number was nine, and
it was Phil’s lucky number according to his grandmother all those years ago.
Hopefully, it actually was. They stepped in, and excitement spread across Dan’s
face as the cart started to lift.
“My mum always use to
take me on here, it’s such a pretty site. It’s nothing like I’ve ever seen
before,” Phil smiled, looking out the small window seeing them lift off of
“I could only imagine
the London Eye. We should definitely do that one day…if we can,” Dan
chuckled, pulling out his phone to take a picture.
“I think that would be a
great idea,” Phil laughed, and nodded his head. He wouldn’t mind doing
that. He hated the city sometimes because of all of the crowds and walking, but
it would be worth it.
“Do you think we’ll
actually be able to? Like, when is the next time I’m actually able to see
you…? You live across the country, Phil, London
isn’t even close to Manchester…”
Dan said a bit sadly. The cart stopped while they were half way up because of
letting others on.
Phil walked over to Dan, and
stood close to him so their shoulders were touching. “We didn’t think we’d
ever meet in person. Now look at us. I can actually touch you,” Phil
laughed, poking Dan’s cheek where his dimple would be if he would smile, which
he eventually did.
“Yeah…I guess you’re
right,” Dan smiled, and looked down. “I was honestly really nervous to
come here and meet you, you know.”
“I do,” Phil
laughed. “I think I was slightly more nervous, though.”
“Why would you be more
nervous?” Dan asked, as the wheel started moving again. The next stop
would be the top, and Phil felt a knot start to form in his stomach. His nerves
started to act up, and he tried to control his breathing.
“I don’t know…you just
seemed a lot more relaxed than me,” Phil tried laughing, but he knew he
sounded so nervous. “You’re a lot prettier in person.”
Dan only nodded and hummed as
a response. Was it too late for him to break the glass and just jump out? Great
job, Phil, you idiot. You fucked up. Now Dan thinks you’re weirder than what he
already thought. He probably wants to leave, and he probably feels so uncomfortable
right now that a twenty-two year old just hit on him. Prettier? Bloody hell, he could’ve at least said handsome. He was so bad at this. What was this, some
shitty romance story?
It was hard to breath, it was
like the higher they got, the less air there was. Well, that was scientifically
true, but this much air shouldn’t be leaving Phil’s lungs. He shouldn’t be this
hot. All he wanted to do was run away but he couldn’t. The sun was setting, Dan
was looking at him, and holy shit his
eyes. If looks could kill, this would be the look.
“Uhm, Dan - I’m sorry
for…I don’t know, just-”
“Stop it you spork. You
didn’t do anything wrong. Relax,” Dan smiled at Phil softly.
Seriously, can he just jump
out of this thing already?
Phil felt a hand take his,
and his fingers interlocked with someone else’s. A hand touch his cheek, and
the touched burned, nothing like he had ever felt before. He couldn’t speak,
move, or anything besides look into those deep brown eyes that could just
Phil was shaking. No, he was
trembling. His nerves were everywhere.
It took Phil a moment to
process what was happening before he realized Dan was kissing him, and when he
did, he fell right into it. Phil had no idea what was happening or why it was
happening, but he was going with it. He stopped shaking, and he felt as if the
kiss was vacuuming his anxiety away with one touch that he was so scared about.
Dan saw through it, and he
felt the same way. This was just about everything he could ever ask for, in
fact it was even better and he never wanted this to end. Dan’s lips were soft
and welcoming, even better than what he could have ever imagined. He was
gentle, sweet, and shy just as always. Phil had kissed a lot of people in his
lifetime, but he had never felt anything like this before. This was so much
different from all those other kisses. His heart did this weird flip thing that
he had never felt before. This? This was magical. He felt fireworks,
butterflies and electricity all at the same time and the feeling was so
overwhelming in such a good way. It was like time was frozen and neither of
them had a care in the world and all they focused on was each other. He felt
like the moment lasted years when in reality it had only been seconds, but even
when it felt like it had been a long time it felt short and over in an instant.
When he looked into Dan’s
eyes moments later, holy shit.
Less than twenty-four hours
later, they were about to leave for the train station. Dan was going home
today, and it would be a lie if Phil said he wanted to be alone.
Yesterday had been one of the
best days of his life. After they had gotten off of the wheel, they had went
back to Phil’s house. They talked, cuddled, played video games. It was
basically what they did before, but it held such more meaning now. Everything
was interrupted by kisses and hugs, basically everything Phil had wanted to do
before. But now it was okay, because Dan felt the same way, and now they were
“I don’t care, I’m
stealing it. It’s super comfortable, and I don’t have many comfortable
hoodies,” Dan held Phil’s green and blue spotted hoodie to his chest, and
quickly stuffed it into his bag before Phil could even protest. Phil rolled his
eyes, and threw Dan’s pillow at him that was at the top of his bed.
“Fine. But the next time
you see me it better be with you! I’m going to miss it’s fluffy goodness,”
Phil pouted, and Dan laughed shaking his head.
“You’ll have to message
me and remind me because I’ll probably forget,” Dan said stuffing his pillow
in with the rest of his stuff, which was the last of everything. His train left
at 13:00, and it was already 11:49.
“I doubt that,”
Phil said moving his body from the bed to the ground, and sat next to Dan who
starred at his suitcase with a much too sad look on his face. “Hey, what’s
“What if I don’t see you
again? Like, in person?” Dan said looking at Phil with worry in his eyes.
Phil smiled at him weakly, and shook his head.
“Don’t think like that.
Of course you’ll see me again Bear, I promise you. It’ll just be a little
while, but we’ll be okay. Distance doesn’t mean anything to us, and you know
Of course Phil said all of this to make Dan to feel better. It was all true, he
meant every word. Distance was just an object to them, their whole relationship
was formed on distance. They made it work. They would see each other again, and
until then they would Skype for hours on end and talk to each other everyday
just like before. But Phil was pretty sure he was saying all of this to make himself
feel better and to remind himself as well. Dan was already upset, if he knew
Phil was just as upset, it would make things a whole lot worse. This was about
“I’m going to miss you
though…” Dan said laying his head on Phil’s shoulder, to which Phil
responded with a hug and a kiss to the head. “I’m Skypeing you when I get
Phil chuckled, and ran his
hands through the ends of Dan’s hair. Dan came on strong to others and people
did kind of view him as an asshole, but he was such a softie. He knew he was
crying, and for some reason Phil found it sweet. Was that wrong of him? Before
Dan, only one person wanted to stay with Phil for a long time, which was his
best friend who passed away. Beside him, everyone was so okay with leaving Phil
alone. But Dan didn’t want to leave, he wanted to stay here with him for as
long as possible and that meant more to Phil than anything else in the world.
He hadn’t felt this in such a long time.
The cab ride wasn’t as
emotional as the actual goodbye, but it was still emotional. Dan was upset the
whole ride there, and was on the verge of tears as they got closer and closer.
Phil knew Dan still had that fear of never seeing him again, but he knew the
factor of them actually being a couple would make them try even harder to
seeing each other again. If that meant Phil had to put all of his money into
train tickets just to see him, he would do it in a heart beat.
At the station, they acted as
what society thought was appropriate for two adult male friends. This included
standing a far enough distance from each other, not talking about their
favorite video game, or talking about how much they couldn’t wait to see each
other again. The place was busy and filled with business people and judgmental
people who wouldn’t approve of who or what they were for one second. Phil just
wanted to hold Dan’s hand. He wanted to kiss him, hug him and hold him, tell
him everything would be alright and that this wasn’t forever, they’d be
together again soon. He wanted to talk about Crash Bandicoot and Muse. He just
wanted to show affection and be himself withhis boyfriend for crying out loud. But he couldn’t. They were in
public now. The only people Phil knew about that supported people of their
sexuality and likings were on the internet, his family and friends. It was sad,
Dan was scared of coming out,
he hadn’t even told his family he was bisexual. Phil could understand why he
was nervous, some of his family were very religious and his parents weren’t
exactly the most excepting of people. Phil was lucky, his parents had welcomed
his ex boyfriend with open arms when Phil had came out as bi. And Dan was also
the kind of person who took everyone’s opinion to heart, even though he pulls
it off like doesn’t. Everyone’s say mattered to him, and if anyone thought of
him in a negative way, he would completely shut down and hide from the world.
Phil hated it, and he wished Dan wouldn’t hide himself. Even though he didn’t
want to hide their relationship from the world, Dan was scared to show it right
away and he respected that. He wouldn’t force Dan to do anything he was
uncomfortable with. Phil just hated the fact that he was scared because others
When he saw Dan stand next to
the train with bag in hand, that’s when he started to cry. He said his 'see you
later’ and gave him a tearful hug, wanting nothing more than a goodbye kiss. He
tried to make Dan feel better when the train started to move by giving him a
hand heart, which did crack a smile and a giggle he couldn’t hear out of the
brunette. God, what he would do just to hear that laugh in person one more time
before being over 200 miles apart.
The whole time Phil kept an
optimistic smile and controlled his crying. He didn’t lose it until he was at
home laying in his bed that still smelt like Dan in everyway possible. Crying
always made Phil tired, and he was beyond exhausted right now. He had done so
much of it, and now he was just completely losing it, letting out of his
contained emotions he held in so Dan wouldn’t have felt any worse.
The thought of Dan being sad
on that train alone without anyone to hold him through it made his heartbreak.
He must’ve felt so alone and out of place, and Phil wasn’t there to make him
feel better. Now he had to go home and be alone until they met again. What hurt
Phil even more, was that Dan was so convinced they would never see each other
again. Phil knew that they would, and the second he saw Dan he would tell him
'I told you so’. He never got to say that to him, so one could imagine how
excited he was. After all, Dan had his favorite hoodie, and there was no way he
was getting it back through the post only for it to smell like mail. He wanted
Dan to give it back to him in person, and he wanted it to smell just like Dan’s
Phil sighed, rolling over on
his fairly large bed starring at one out of his thousands of posters of Sarah
Michelle Gellar. Not even Buffy could make him feel better right now, that’s
how crap he felt.
Dan had been gone for only an
It’s only been an hour, and
Phil was already acting like Dan had been gone for years and he was waiting for
him to return. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he hated this lonely feeling.
He felt lonely his whole god damn life, and the second he felt a bit of
happiness it was ripped away from him like always. Phil really had no friends
around here. He didn’t click with any of them like he had with Dan. He was
different and special and everyway, and maybe that was too much to say when
they had been in a relationship for not even twenty-four hours, but it was the
truth. Phil had known Dan for a little while now, but it felt like they’ve
known each other forever. He hadn’t felt that way with anyone else in his life.
All he wanted right now was for Dan to be here with him.
Phil eventually relaxed, and
wiped away his tears. Once he had hiccupped, he cursed to himself. Time for
four hours of complete dread. This always happened after he cried, and he hated
it more than anything.
To distract himself, he grabbed
his laptop and quickly opened twitter, where he had a handful of notifications
under his most recent tweet which read “tell @danisnotonfire not to go
home”. The replies read the same thing over and over again, telling him to
stay in Manchester.
Phil smiled at the thought of his follower’s reaction towards Dan, which
encouraged him to open YouTube and look at the 'phil is not on fire’ comments.
They all said good things,
which made Phil smile. He watched the video, wishing he could just go back to a
couple of days ago. the light in both of their eyes, he really noticed how in
love they looked, and that made him smile. He wanted the world to know, but he
didn’t at the same time, and he felt like this video was a perfect example of
Phil pulled out his phone,
and pulled up Dan’s contact number.
just wanted to check on you…you okay???
really…I miss you. are you okay?
okay, just miss you lots <3 we’ll see each other soon enough, Bear, don’t
enough can’t be soon enough
A/N: So yeah…this is my
first phanfiction lmao. I kind of hate the ending, but I’m also really proud of
this at the same time. Please let me know if you want me to post another part!
I plan on making this a 10 part series, taking small parts out of every year
and kind of just mashing it all together. You’d know what I mean if I write up
some more! I have loads of ideas in my head, and I hope you like it! Thanks