wiritings

No, you just can’t say “I love you” to a person you don’t love. No, you just can’t hold someone’s hands and then let go just because you realize you don’t like the feeling. No, you just can’t hug a person you don’t care about. No, you just can’t kiss a person you don’t have feelings for. You just can’t get people’s hope up. You just can’t play blind and deaf. You just can’t play with people’s feelings. No. You just can’t.
—  The Diary of a Lost Heart (You Just Can’t) 
2

Dear Future Me, 

I’ve been dying to write you before but now I have the guts to. The truth is I’m scared of you. I’m afraid of you. I fear that someday you’ll blame me for not being a better person of today. I fear that someday you’ll look back in time and tell me how stupid my decisions are and how dumb for me to think that life is just this easy. I fear that someday you’ll regret that you pass through me. And all those fears are crumpled inside me and I don’t wanna face you. But look at me now, I have the confidence to talk to you. And I just wanna tell you that I love you even though I haven’t meet you yet. I know that when I reached that state, I’ll be so proud that I became that person. I know that my dreams will come true and you’ll be the one benefiting all my hard work–and you’ll do better. I love you and I’m excited to meet you. :)

Love, Present Me

So I wrote this, I don't know.

I looked over my shoulder in disbelief, what had I gotten myself into? Why did I think this was a good idea? The bodies of my comrades, or what was left of them, lay scattered amongst the dusty ground. We had been hit, hard. A single tear left a streak down my one side of my face. I was unsure what to think, what to feel.
How had I survived? Why was I still breathing in this musky air around me, why hadn’t it been me? I heard a slight noise from beyond where I sit in shelter. Do I dare? I need to gather the courage. What kind of man would do otherwise? That’s when I decided to take a look, once again, at what had become of us. How foolish we were, to think just the group of us stood a chance?
I heard faint breathing, and I knew someone else had made it. But where were they? I looked around frantically, I had to find them. I called out to them, and no reply. Who had survived, and why were they not answering me?
Then I caught a glimpse.
She was alive, out of all of them, her. No one thought she would make fifteen minutes, her face was streaked in blood. Was she hurt? I started over to her.
“No.” She stated, but what did she mean no? “I don’t want you to see me, who else is left?” She asked as I retreated.
“Just..us” I managed to speak.
She stood, and found her way out of the shadows, it was then I realized that it was not her blood covering her.

Just because someone likes you

Does not mean you have to like them back.

All this pressure on my back

To shack,

With a boy and make a family

Why they dont believe in me

When I told them what the hell was up

That I got pussy stuck

My tongue just wants whats in her jeans

And Her feisty personality

Foreal tho

They ask me how I feel yo

Every boy they meet

they be drilling me

Why my friends cant just chill with me?

Every boy they think we on a date tho

I tell them that I am gay before we even really “meet” tho.


And so thats why we even really speak yo

All my niggas homies we aint smashing on the low

And if nigga ever tried me

better kill me or dont let me go

All im really saying is that people feel my flow

I attractive a lot attention but most it I dont want

I keep it real.

Let me speak on how I feel.

Listen when I say this cause I mean these shit right here

Imma marry a bad bitch, with thick sexy thighs.

Imma be in heaven make sure I call her “wife”

We gone have some kids but that will be so later

We gone have a fat crib and fuck on every table

She gone treat me right and fuck me like me famous

Every weeknd song will blasting through them cables

We gon fuck it up in my penthouse, we will be naked

Imma wake up with pussy hangover


Wify legs gon be hanging around my shoulder

I dont even know but I can tell you this.

Only a few things
I really want and it is this

Pussy
Marijauna
And some money to spend on my bitch

And I stared into his eyes and saw all the pain you’ve taken.
The marks of his tears all across his cheeks.
I saw a little spark in his pupils. I guess it was hope.
He realize that I knew and bit his lips.
Then he said “I’ll figure it out”
But he was wounded, I could tell by the way he faked a smile.
He had no clue of who he was.
He still doesn’t.
—  The Night I Stared in the Mirror, rs
Bastard Thoughts

I see things crawl on my hands,
Shadows move from the corner of my eyes,
I hear the wind move through my windows.

The hum of machines and the dim light accentuate my isolation.
Yet I am content.
For now,
Until some thought will intrude;
Some thought I wish was dead before it’s birth.

It’ll come to me in a word, like a whisper
or like pictures moving along a projector
and it’ll stay and forever linger

unwelcome
unloved
and yet it will be mine.

So I stare at my surrounding isolation 
with my bastard thoughts
While my machines hum
and shadows crawl around me. 

What it means to be young 

is I dont have the rhyme still practicing the motion 

get the love turning, i’m still simmering my potion

what it means to be young

is I don’t own that wisdom

to know how to live in a peaceful altruism

what it means to be young 

I still have that smile or that twinkle in my eye

and that cord in my laugh that help gets people by

what it means to be young

I still make mistakes and so some of the words I have said 

I wish I would have choosen better instead

what it means to be young

I still dream at night and I havent been locked into a permanent life 

so I still haven’t feel the weight of years of strife

what it means to be young 

is I still have faith, that life of earth could change any day

that not everything must continue in the same way

what it means to be young 

is that my soul still grows

and no ones hatred has turn it to stone

what it means to be young

is what it means to be alive 

so never confused age with a time for these qualities to arrive. 

Drowning

You said to trust you, so I did. I sat and writhed at the thought of letting someone have power over me, but I let you have it. I listened when you told me to believe you, but you couldn’t do the same. You let the fear was over you and drown you again. I grabbed your hand and pulled as hard as I could, but you kept trying to swim down. I said to follow the bubbles, you’ll find your way up, but you kept going down, and as much as everything told me to let you sink, I couldn’t let go. So now I’m sinking with you, down to the cold, bitter bottom. But I’m fine with the water coming over my head, as long as you’re there with me.

Hold On To What Is Worth

One Sunday morning in Surabaya on the way to church while mom was driving the car, I asked my mom why at that time she decided not to divorce pa. Apparently she was surprised by my abrupt directness but answered me anyway. She said that she remembered the times when they spent together as a young couple; how the met, how pa dropped out of school and worked so hard to support his family,how they managed to get her parents’ approval, how they struggled financially to raise a family(us), how she remembered pa was a person with a big heart. She said she somehow could not let go of him because she believed that she was married to him for a reason and for that she believed he would have a change of heart. She couldn’t let him go as she knew he would suffer and became a worse person. She also said that there was us, which was part of her and part of him.

I was honestly touched by what she said as I did not anticipate such answers. The worst part was the reason why I asked her that question; because I wanted to tell her that since she suffered so much, wasn’t it better to divorce him. I really regretted to have such thoughts and of course, I did not say it. I was being immature and bitter that I forgot about their pain too.

I was so moved and had a change of mind and heart towards pa. If she decided to do this, I might as well endure and share her pain and be one of her pillars (as I should have been). Talk about love, though I did not hear her say that about pa, I just knew she must have really loved him (and still love him).

You know what, when I look back and see how things has become now, it is really worth it. Had my mom did not hold on to the love she had for my dad and her children to keep the family whole, it wouldn’t be like this at all.

So, now you see, this is why my family is valuable and important to me.

released

Life is just learning. I keep peeling off layers of myself 

and with each experience I grow. 

Its daunting to be honest. 

I dont really know what the hell I am going to learn next 

and some of these lessons are frightening

some of these emotions I am not sure I can handle

I mean some of these task seem like mountains 

and every solution bring another problem 

I mean some of the women seem like goddess 

just dipped in poison

All the man just seem like boys

and all my talk just mimics noise 

What are we really doing ?

because I thought I was loving fairly 

and I was just careless hurting 

I was following my mind 

and my heart was following…

I dont even know, cause we dont speak no more

my heart is big but its hard to find 

so I send s.o.s and hope for an answer

and maybe one day I’ll be gentle cause now I am part devil

then its this money imagine problem 

I keep trying to keep up with 

can’t figure out if I’m just being myself

or if i’m programmed to keep wanting 

and if that carried over into my love life 

because I’m always wanting 

to get burn by fire 

I keep saying goodbye to the same damn person 

who I keep forgiving because I wouldn’t want anyone to give up on me

but when the fuck do I actually get to say goodbye 

And I guess that up to me just like everything else 

I write this story 

I live my life 

I control the plot 

I make the strife 

so why the can’t I just write the tale

and live the dream 

stop holding on to old things like a fein 

I know the picture I see for the end 

but I question if that is how it will end 

but the picture shouldn’t change unless 

I move the pen 

but its seems a lot of it is out of my hand 

I because I dropped the pen for my first love 

she drew a picture for my future that was all wrong

but I picked it up and took it home 

stared at her image of me for too long

so I guess the jist is in the eyes of ourselves

but what I see, I cant see for anyone else

I haven’t made a life for me plus someone not myself 

But even then I can’t figure out why I want someone else

I met a new person and think to myself 

do we fuck and spend time 

just to kill time or can you teach me something new

one moment to learn 

and some moments I burn 

like when shame take my words away 

and i crawl into holes

Is that natural in life ?

for us to just fold 

because while I stand strong once I have lost 

I rather stay home 

Whats the point of fighting when the reward is not yours

When there is nothing to gain 

but does that make me shallow

when I only give a fuck , if I get to fuck 

I care in other ways, but those never see the light of day

I usually tend to ruin it 

before my heart gets to have its way 

but then they say there is the one

this one person who stay in the ring 

go round for round 

and stay around 

Next question is the family deal

but thats the basic shit 

because they told me no matter what 

I would have to deal with it 

the shit really just continue and 

its will probably get easier 

I’ll get used to never really knowing 

and not knowing will feel like growing 

and growing will feel like knowing 

and on and on and on and on 

anonymous asked:

hey, I saw what you said about how school is stressing you out and such. It has been for me too. Hope school gets easier! I was just wondering what happened at your lunch that made you not like it ( I know you said the people) but like what happened? ☺️

okay so I’m just gonna rant about all my life problems cause it basicly revolves around that so here

Keep reading

So like I forgot I signed up for WIPbang. Oops.

And I signed up to finish HCA!Clint, which I haven’t worked on at all this month.

oh shit.