“HEY STOP! YOU’RE STEALING MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG! WHAT THE FU – oh, they hired a dog walker? hahaha haha.. ha… carry on”
“i’m in the nurse’s office a lot with migraines and you’re always in here organizing her tongue depressors and i really don’t think you go to this school so what gives”
“the building manager neglected to tell me the window washers would be coming by today so excuuuuuuse me for thinking that twenty three floors up was high enough that i could dance around in my office without being seen”
“you’ve been awkwardly inching your way towards the human sexuality section of the bookstore i work at for like fifteen minutes are you looking for something in particular or –?”
“you and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and i’m really just trying to study over here so i’m gonna put an end to this by winning the game”
“it’s 2 in the morning and i was just trying to get home but i left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and i drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping”
“my favorite band dropped a new single today and i’ve had it on repeat for seven hours and i can see you judging me but that isn’t going to make me shut it off"
“hey new neighbor it appears that your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and they’re really jealous and i’m sorry but not really because hellloooooo there”
“you can’t get tattooed drunk, come back in the morning and if you still want my name on your ass we’ll talk”
“Yeah, nah,” someone says to you. They mean ‘no’.
“Yeah, nah,” someone else says to you. They mean ‘yes’. Up is down. Summer is
winter. Birds can’t fly. Meanings have no meaning.
A local university encourages you to ‘take your
place in the world’. Because you don’t have one. The outside world shows you
maps every day. Your place isn’t there. People question if it ever was.
It’s not that hot outside. You can sit outside
for hours. The layers of skin that allow you to feel things will burn in the
first few minutes. Then you can sit outside for eternity.
Everything’s always shaking. You’ve finally
stopped caring whether it’s the void opening up beneath or you or your father
jiggling his leg.
As you drive through the countryside, you pass a
cow. You pass a sheep. You pass more cows. More sheep. It’s the same animals from before.
They’re following you. They know you’ll follow them eventually.
They call it the Land of the Long White Cloud.
It’s an outdated translation. There was no word back then for the mysterious,
unidentified entity that once hovered over the country. You will when it comes
There’s always sea spray on your windscreen. You
don’t live near the beach. The window washers at the traffic lights don’t live
by the beach either. You chalk it up to the Number 8 wire mentality.
“She’ll be right.” Who is she? How is she still alive? What if she’s wrong
for once? Where is she? How do you know she’s alright? No-one ever answers you.
“Call me loyal,” sings Dave Dobbyn. The public refuses, so he keeps singing. “I’ll say you’re loyal too.” His pleas continue to be ignored. No-one wants to bargain with Dave.
The rate at which Shortland Street kills characters has caught up and overtaken the birth rate of the country. It will soon be your turn.
Someone makes fun of Australia. You laugh. You
keep laughing. The whole room is laughing. You can’t stop laughing. The more you panic
that you can’t stop, the more you laugh. Someone mentions the underarm bowling
incident. The laughter stops abruptly.
Every time you half-heartedly mumble the first
verse of the national anthem, a Maui’s dolphin dies. Yes, you. Learn the words. We’re running out of time.
You don’t follow politics, but still know that
Peter Dunne’s hair is sentient and has been controlling his body for the last
30 years. It’s better than the alternative.
Your world is binary. It makes things harder. Black or white.
Marmite or Vegemite. Cadbury’s or Whittaker’s. Union or League. North Island or
South Island. Beef or lamb. Vege crisps or a Cookie Time cookie. You long for a
third option, but that third option fired John Campbell. You’re stuck.
You’re eating chips. You hear a voice whispering
“you know I can’t grab your ghost chips.” You look down, and your chips are
gone. You were never eating any.
The Amazing Spiderman swoops into Purim spirit at Israeli children’s hospital.
For the young patients of the Schneider Children’s Medical Center of Israel, this Purim holiday was out of this world. Thanks to two volunteer window washers who dressed up as superheroes, the sick children were treated to a fantastic surprise: Spiderman dangling from ropes outside the hospital’s windows.
The children and their families could not participate in celebrations outdoors, so hospital staff swooped in to the rescue and brought the fun to them.
The voyeurism/exhibitionism options in a window washer scenario are so good, though. Imagine window washer JK catches you masturbating while washing your window, he’s overcome and decides to masturbate along side of you. You open your eyes and catch him, but don’t stop and you watch eachother until you both finish. No words are spoken. Later you meet by accident at a local coffee shop and he follows you to the restroom where you fuck before even exchanging names.
Goddamn, that’s a good idea. Almost makes me regret having already set up JK’s occupation…maybe the followers would forgive me if I wrote two for him? I’m a JK stan, after all.
Nyx grabbing a bite to eat at some shop and sees a dropped coin rolled next to his boot
“O-Oh, this yours?” says a flustered Nyx after seeing Drautos like ‘hot damn, call the fireman pls’
“Uh well… penny for your thoughts?” Nyx mentally slaps himself like we’re not doing puns
“A cent of your time is enough.”
That Office Au where Drautos working on the 18th floor of some fancy building and befriends the window washer, Nyx.
Nyx slowly wiping the same area he’s been cleaning for the past 10 minutes
Nyx becomes THE window washer guy and keeps seeing Drautos all the time
Nyx miming or writing on the windows like sup
Drautos eventually writes his # on a post it note but Nyx is like where the fuck is my cell - and needs to get back on ground level IMMEDIATELY
Nyx blows his breath against the window and draws a <3
Nyx wants to get a bday gift for his sister and she likes teddy bears so why not but there are so many kinds??
Cues Drautos showing him the ropes of creating your own personalized bear before attending to other families and children in need of help
Nyx starts having this mini crush because wow he’s really great with the kids, they all love him and he’s just so happy???
Nyx gets the perfect bear for his sister and cues next visit, making another excuse that it’s a gift for his friend but turns out, he just wants to visit him and ends up having a collection of stuffed animals