i say “i’m seeing a therapist” and he takes a step backwards. why he wants to know. what happened. what made me like this, basically. what was the final step that pushed me safely into the side of scary people like them.
there’s a lot i think about. like how my illnesses effect me outside of the actual symptoms. like beyond the weight there’s a second river to drown in.
i mean we don’t talk about having to stare at employment papers where they ask you to self-identify your problems. that little bead of sweat that forms when you worry - what if i don’t tell them and i need help? what if i tell them and they think i’m a risk factor? what if they won’t give me the job?
we don’t talk about the way some people act when they find out. the ones who are rude about it are one thing. but then there’s those people you thought were your friends who act like you just told them you’re infectious. who become weird and distant and suspicious like a switch flipped. like if they get to close to you, you’ll give it to them.
we learn to be okay with things we overhear on the bus but we never get used to it coming out of the mouth of the people we love. we carry this secret with us like a rotted fruit, clutching it to our bodies. we’re ashamed of our scars in front of our boss. we don’t talk about our panic attacks during lunch breaks. when the cop pulls you over “i’m disassociating” isn’t an excuse we can open the page on. when you watch people make these ranting posts about how real friends always text back, how if someone loves you, they’ll find the time to spend. success stories make other people cry with inspiration while some part of your brain is saying you can’t do that, you’re not like them. things are uglier at the bottom. you can’t explain why you can’t just make friends. you can’t write because you’re depressed but when you’re depressed you write best. you can’t eat today and no don’t ask why please. nevermind taking the train. never mind trying to be happy. never mind reading books and watching movies and wondering where exactly are people like you in hero stories. i watch a video where a man tells me that being depressed is just a mindset. when i wear all black someone remarks i look particularly emo today. it’s 2017 does anyone say emo anymore, i ask her, and she laughs, “you just look like one of those fake-depressed girls.” okay.
i don’t tell him my therapist is actually why things don’t happen anymore. why i’m getting a handle on it. my tongue feels swollen. i feel embarrassed talking about it. in the highest twist of irony, i think of how many people know my problems anonymously on the internet. i almost spill out all my troubles onto him. instead i tell him it’s just a precaution. that i think everyone should really see a therapist, they’re brain mechanics and we all need a tune-up now and then. he relaxes.
This is a dedicated message to the ones who don’t know why I fangirl SO hard over Jin: THE man can sing, can joke, can cook, is strong, is educated, is kind, can dance (and don’t tell me NO! if you can dance BTS’ choreos or keep up YOU CAN DANCE), is from a good family and lived in a cheap dorm and struggled with the boys when he could just get his dad’s business, is humble and never said that his parents were rich, loves animals, treat people well no matter their age or background or race …, expresses his feelings well, Is a family guy, eats well and feed people he loves delicious and expensive food, is not afraid to wear pink because he is a man who thinks his masculinity is not as fragile nor that wearing a color mostly worn by woman is a disgrace, IS HELLA GOOD LOOKING, AND NOW ADD THIS TO THE LIST: HE HAS ABS! And in case you didn’t know, the BOI is stronger than Jungkook but he let him win because JK hates losing (remember kind?). Did I mention that he plays instruments and is good at snowboarding too? Ah yeah, he does those and he can act too (BIGHIT PUT HIM IN A DRAMA ALREADY). Wait I didn’t finish YET. He is soooo good at variety shows and is not afraid to show who he is. Finally, he is CONFIDENT, POSITIVE and lLoves TO SHARE HAPPINESS & MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. There is still a long list but I will let the ones sleeping on him digest this one first.
- i was deeply inspired by the video troye made a few months or so ago so i decided to make this.. there are so many brilliant young adults that are spectacular role models for young children. There are also many wonderful opportunities for young kids to make and impact for the future, along with years to come. thank you, @troyesivan, for not only helping me out as a young LGBT+ kid in a fast growing community, but so many others as well. -